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THE 


CLOCKMAKER; 


OR, 


THE    SAYINGS    AND   DOINGS 


ov 


SAMUEL    SLICK. 


OF  8LICKVILLE. 


I         Garrit  aniles 
ox  re  fabellas Horace. 

The  cheerful  sage,  when  solemn  dictate*  fhil, 
Conceals  the  moral  counsel  in  a  tale. 


FIRST  SERIES. 


M^ 


NEW  YORK: 
WILLIAM    H.    COLYER, 

104  BEEKMAN  STREET. 
1840. 


\ 


LP     P5fcMi 


-  ■  / \ 'If  C-r 


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.«"» 


■^.- 


■'--S 


CONTENTS 


OF  THE  FIRST  SERIES^ 


Chapter  Piage 

SlICK'B  LETTBIf. 13 

1.  The  Trotting  Horse 15. 

2.  The  Clockmaker 17 

,  Vj  3.  The  Silent  Girls 19 

'  4.  Conversations  at  the  River  Philip 21 

5.  Justice  Pettifog 23 

6.  Anecdotes 25 

7.  Go  Ahead 27 

8.  The  Preacher  that  wandered  from  his  Text.  ....        29 

9.  Yankee  Eating  and  Horse  Feeding. 32 

10.  The  Road  to  a  Woman's  Heart— The  Broken  Heart.    ...        35 

11.  Cumberland  Oysters  produce  melancholy  forebodings.      .  .38 

12.  The  American  Eagle 41 

13<  The  Clockmaker's  Opinion  of  Halifax 45 

14<  Sayings  and  Doings  in  Cumberland 46 

15.  The  Dancing  Master  Abroad.     . 51 

16.  Mr.  Slick's  Opinion  of  the  British 54 

17.  A  Yankee  Handle  for  a  Halifax  Blade 58 

18.  The  Grahamite  and  the  Irish  Pilot 61 

19.  The  Clockmaker  quilts  a  Blue-nose. 65 

20.  Sister  iSai's  Courtship 68 

21.  Setting  up  for  Governor 71 

22.  A  Cure  for  Conceit 76 

23.  The  Blovrin  Time 79 

24.  Father  John  O'Shaughnessy 83 

25.  T  amine  a  Shrew 86 

26.  The  Minister's  Horn  Mug.     . 89 

k^27.  The  White  Nigger 93 

28.  Fire  in  the  Dairy 96 

29.  A  Body  without  a  Head 99 

30.  A  Tale  of  Bunker's  Hill 102 

31.  Gulling  a  Blue-nose. 105 

32.  Too  many  Irons  in  the  fire 108 

33.  Windsor  and  the  Far  West ng 


Il 


CONTENTS 


OF  THE  SECOND  SERIES. 


\\l 


Chapter  Page 

1.  The  Meeting 119 

2.  The  Voluntary  System 121    ,5 

3.  Training  a  Carriboo 128 

i.  Nick  Bradshav,'. 132 

5.  Travelling  in  America.         . 139 

6.  Elective  Councils 145 

7.  Slavery 149 

8.  Talking  Latin 155 

9.  The  Snow  Wreath 162 

10.  The  Talisman 167 

11.  Italian  Paintings. 172 

12.  Shampooing  the  English 176 

13.  Putting  a  Foot  in  it 182 

14.  English  Aristocracy  and  Yankee  Mobocracy.           ....  186 

15.  Confessions  of  a  Deposed  Minister 192 

16.  Canadian  Politics 107 

17.  A  Cure  for  Smuggling. .  S:03 

18.  Taking  off  the  Factory  Ladies 208 

19.  The  Schoolmaster  Abroad 214 

20.  The  Wrong  Room 220 

21.  Finding  a  Mare's  Nest 223 

22.  Keeping  up  the  Steam 229 

23.  Tke  Clockmakcr's  parting  Advice 233 


.1.". 


SLICK'S    LETTER 


{After  these  Sketches  had  gone  through  the  press,  and  were  ready  for  pub- 
lication, we  sent  Mr.  Slick  a  copy  ;  and  shortly  afterward  received  Tron 
him  the  following  letter,  which  characteristic  commuiiicatioa  we  give 
entire. — Editor.] 

To  Mr.  Howb, 

Sir, — I  received  your  letter,  and  note  its  contents.     I  aint  over  half 

f leased,  I  tell  you  ;  I  think  I  have  been  used  scandalous,  that's  a  fact, 
t  warn't  the  part  of  a  gentleman  for  to  go  and  pump  me  arler  that  fashion, 
and  then  go  right  off  and  blan  it  out  in  prmt.  It  was  a  nasty,  dirty,  mean 
action,  and  I  don't  thank  you  nor  the  Squire  a  bit  for  it.  It  will  be  more 
nor  a  thousand  dollars  out  of  my  pocket.  There's  an  eend  to  the  Clock 
trade  now,  and  a  pretty  kittle  of  fish  I've  made  on  it,  haven't  I?  I  shall 
never  hear  the  last  on  it,  and  what  am  I  to  say  when  I  go  back  to  the 
States  1  I'll  take  my  oath  I  never  said  one  half  the  stuff  he  has  set  down 
there ;  and  as  for  that  long  lochrum  about  Mr.  Everett,  and  th<;  HoUk 
Alden  Gobble,  and  Minister,  there  aint  a  word  of  ^;  ]th  in  it  from  beginnin 

to  eend.     If  ever  I  come  near  hand  to  him  agin,  I'll  larn  him bat 

never  mind,  I  say  nothin.  Now  there's  one  thing  I  don't  cleverly  \m- 
derstand.  If  this  here  book  is  my  "  Sayins  and  Doins"  how  comes  it 
yourn  or  the  Squire's  either  1  If  my  thoughts  and  notions  are  my  own, 
iiu-v  can  they  be  any  other  folks's  ?  According  to  my  idee  you  have  no 
more  right  to  take  them,  than  you  have  to  take  my  clocks  without  payin 
for  'em.  A  man  that  would  be  guilty  of  such  an  action  is  no  gentleman, 
that's  flat,  and  if  you  don't  like  it,  you  may  lump  it — for  I  don't  valy  him 
nor  you  neither,  nor  e'er  a  blue  nose  that  ever  stept  in  shoe  leather,  the 
matter  of  a  pinVi  head.  I  don't  know  as  ever  I  felt  so  ugly  afore  since  I 
was  raised  ;  why  didn't  he  put  his  name  to  it,  as  well  as  mine  1  When 
an  article  han't  the  maker's  name  and  factory  on  it,  it  shows  it's  a  cheat, 
and  he's  ashamed  to  own  it.  If  I'm  to  have  the  name  I'll  have  the  game, 
or  I'll  know  the  cause  why,  that's  a  fact.  Now  folks  say  you  are  a  con- 
siderable of  a  candid  man,  and  right  up  and  down  in  your  dealins,  and  do 
things  above  board,  handsum — at  least  so  I've  hearn  tell.  That's  what 
I  like ;  I  love  to  deal  with  such  folks.  Now  spose  you  make  me  an 
offer  !  You'll  find  me  not  very  difficult  to  trade  with,  and  I  don't  know 
but  I  might  put  off  more  than  half  of  the  books  myself  tu.  I'll  tell  you  how 
I'd  work  it.  I'd  say,  "Here's  a  book  they  ve  namesaked  arterme,  Sam 
Slick  the  Clockmaker,  but  it  aint  mine,  and  I  can't  altogether  jist  say 
rightly  .whose  it  is.  Some  say  it's  the  General's,  and  some  say  it's  the 
Bishop's,  and  some  say  it's  Howe  himself;  but  I  aint  availed  who  it  is.  Its 
a  wise  child  that  knows  its  own  father.  It  wipes  up  th<;  blue  noses  con- 
siderable hard,  and  don't  let  off  the  Yankees  so  very  easy  neither,  but  it's 
generally  allowed  to  be  about  the  prettiest  book  ever  writ  '>xi  this  country  ; 
and  although  it  aint  altogether  jist  gospel  what's  in  it,  ther)<;>B  stpie  pretty 


B 


/ 


14 


•LICK  •    L8TTKII. 


homo  truths  in  it,  that's  a  fact.  Whoever  wrote  it  must  be  a  funny  (ti- 
ler, too,  that's  bartin  ;  for  there  are  some  queer  stories  in  it  that  no  soul 
could  help  larfin  at,  that's  a  fact.  Its  about  the  wittiest  book  I  ever  seed. 
Its  nearly  all  sold  off,  but  jist  a  few  copies  I've  kept  for  my  old  cus- 
tomers.  The  price  is  just  Ss.  6d.  but  I'll  let  you  have  it  for  5s.  because 
you'll  not  get  another  chance  to  have  one."  Always  ax  a  sixpence  more 
thnn  the  price,  and  then  bate  it,  and  when  blue  nose  hears  that,  he  thinks 
he's  got  a  bargain,  and  bites  directly.  I  never  see  one  on  'em  yet  that 
didnU  fall  right  into  the  trap. 

Yes,  make  me  an  offer,  and  you  and  I  will  trade,  I  think.  But  fair 
play's  a  jewel,  and  I  must  say  I  feci  ryled  and  kinder  sore.  I  han't  been 
used  handsum  atween  you  two,  and  it  don't  seem  to  me  that  I  hnd  ought 
to  be  made  a  fool  on  in  that  book,  arter  that  fashion,  for  folks  to  laugh 
at,  and  then  be  sheered  out  of  the  spec.  If  I  am,  somebody  had  better 
look  out  for  squalls,  I  tell  you.  I'm  as  easy  as  an  old  glove,  but  a  glove 
aint  an  old  shoe  to  be  trod  on,  and  I  think  a  certain  person  will  find  that 
out  afore  he  is  six  months  older,  or  else  I'm  mistakened,  that's  all.  Hopin 
to  hear  from  you  soon,  I  remain  yours  to  command, 

SAMUEL  SLICK. 
Pugnoae'a  Inn,  River  Philip,  Dec.  25,  1836. 

P.  S.     I  see  in  the  last  page  it  is  writ,  that  the  Squire  is  to  take  another 

Journey  round  the  Shore,  and  back  to  Halifax  with  me  next  Spring.  Well, 
did  agree  with  him,  to  drive  him  round  the  cousts,  but  don't  you  mind — 
we'll  understand  each  other,  I  guess,  afore  we  start.  I  consait  he'll  rise 
considerable  airly  in  the  mornin,  afore  he  catches  me  asleep  agin.  I'll  bo 
wide  awake  for  him  next  hitch,  that's  a  fact.  I'd  a  ginn  a  tiiousand  dollars 
if  he  had  only  used  Campbell's  name  instead  of  mine  ;  for  he  was  a  most  an 
almighty  villain,  and  cheated  a  proper  raft  of  folks,  and  then  shipped  himself 
off  to  Botany  Bay  for  fear  folks  would  transport  him  there  :  you  couldn't  rub 
out  Slick,  and  put  in  Campbell,  could  you  ?  that's  a  good  feller ;  if  you  would 
X*d  make  it  worth  your  while,  you  may  depend. 


&,i 


I  a  funny  ftl- 

that  no  80ul 

I  ever  seed, 

my  old  CU8- 

r  5s.  because 

xponce  more 

>at,  he  thinkd 

'em  yet  that 

k.  But  fair 
I  han't  been 
:  I  had  ought 
>lks  to  laugh 
ly  had  better 
,  but  a  glove 
will  find  that 
I  all.     Hopin 

iLICK. 


take  another 

iring.     Well, 

you  mind — 

iait  he'll  rise 

ngin.     I'll  be 

sand  dollars 

as  a  most  an 

jped  himself 

couldn't  rub 

f  you  would 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


CHAPTER  I. 

THE  TROTTING  HORSE. 

I  WAS  alw<\ys  well  mounted  ;  I  am  fond  of  a  horse,  and  alwaya  piquei*. 
myself  on  having  the  fastest  trotter  in  the  Province.  I  have  made  no 
groat  progress  in  the  world ;  I  feel  doubly,  therefore,  the  pleasure  of  not 
being  surpassed  on  the  road.  I  never  fee!  so  well  or  so  cheerful  as  on 
horseback,  for  there  is  something  exhilarating  in  quick  motion ;  and,  old 
as  I  am,  I  feel  a  pleasure  in  making  any  person  whom  I  meet  on  the  way 
put  his  horse  to  the  full  gallop,  to  keep  pace  with  my  trotter.  Poor 
Ethiope !  you  recollect  him,  how  he  was  wont  to  lay  back  his  ears  on  his 
arched  neck  and  push  away  from  all  competition.  He  is  done,  poor  fel- 
low !  the  spavin  spoiled  his  speed,  and  he  now  roams  at  large  upon  **  my 
farm  at  Truro."  Mohawk  never  failed  me  till  this  summer.  I  pride 
myself,  (you  may  laugh  at  such  childish  weakness  in  a  man  of  my  age,) 
but  still,  I  pride  myself  in  taking  the  conceit  out  of  coxcombs  I  meet  on 
the  road,  and  on  thn  ease  with  which  I  can  leave  a  fool  behind,  whose 
nonsense  disturbs  my  solitary  musings.  On  my  last  journey  to  Fort  Law- 
rence, as  the  beautiful  view  of  Colchester  had  just  opened  upon  me,  and 
as  I  was  contemplating  its  richness  and  exquisite  scenery,  a  taUthin  man, 
with  hollow  cheeks  and  bright  twinkling  black  eyes,  on  a  good  bay  horse, 
somewhat  out  of  condition,  overtook  me ;  and  drawing  up,  said,  I  guess 
you  started  early  this  morning,  sir  1  I  did,  sir,  I  replied.  You  did  not 
come  from  Halifax,  I  presume,  sir,  did  you  1  in  a  dialect  too  rich  to  be 
mistaken  as  genuine  Yankee.  And  which  way  may  you  be  travelling! 
asked  my  inquisitive  companion.  To  Fort  Lawrence.  Ah !  said  he,  so 
am  I,  it  is  in  my  circuit.  The  word  circuit  sounded  so  professional,  I 
looked  again  at  him,  to  ascertain  whether  I  had  ever  seen  him  before,  or 
whether  I  had  met  with  one  of  those  nameless,  but  innumerable  limbs  of 
the  law,  who  now  flourish  in  every  district  of  the  Province.  There  was 
a  keenness  about  his  eye,  and  an  acuteness  of  expreasion,  much  in  favour 
of  the  law  ;  but  the  dress,  and  general  bearing  of  the  man,  made  against 
the  supposition.  His  was  not  the  coat  of  a  man  who  can  af!brd  to  wear  an 
old  coat,  nor  was  it  one  of  "Tempest  &,  More's,"  that  distinguish  country 
lawyers  from  country  boobies.  His  clothes  were  well  made,  and  of  good 
materials,  but  looked  as  if  their  owner  had  shrunk  a  little  since  they  were 
made  for  him  ;  they  hung  somewhat  loose  on  him.  A  large  brooch,  and 
some  superfluous  seals  and  gold  keys,  which  ornamented  his  outward 
man,  looked  "  New  England"  like.  A  visit  to  the  States  had,  perhaps, 
I  thought,  turned  this  Colchester  beau  into  a  Yankee  fop.  Of  what  con- 
sequence was  it  to  me  who  he  was — in  either  case  I  had  nothing  to  do 
with  him,  and  I  desired  neither  his  acquaintance  nor  his  company — still 
I  could  not  but  ask  myself  who  can  this  man  be  1     I  am  not  aware,  said 


1« 


TUZ  CLOCKMAKBR. 


^!l 


1^ 


W'l 


if 


11 


I,  that  there  is  a  court  sittinsf  at  this  time  nt  Cumberland  1  Nor  am  I,  said 
my  friend.  What  then  could  he  have  to  do  with  the  circuit !  It  occurred 
to  me  he  mu«t  be  a  McthodtHt  preacher.  I  looked  again,  but  his  appearance 
■gain  puzzled  mo  His  attire  might  do — the  colour  might  be  suitable — the 
broad  brim  not  out  of  place ;  but  there  was  a  want  of  that  staidncss  of 
look,  that  seriousness  of  countenance,  that  expression,  in  short,  so  cha* 
racteristic  of  iho  clergy.  I  could  not  account  for  my  idle  curiosity — a 
curiosity  which,  in  him,  I  had  the  moment  before  viewed  both  with  sus- 
picion and  disgust ;  but  so  it  was — I  felt  a  desire  to  know  who  he  could 
be,  who  was  neither  lawyer  nor  preacher,  and  yet  talked  of  his  circuit 
with  the  gravity  of  both.  How  ridiculous,  I  thought  to  myself,  is  this  ; 
I  will  leave  him.  Turning  toward  him,  I  said,  I  feared  I  should  be  late 
for  breakfast,  and  must  therefore  bid  him  good  morning.  Mohawk  felt 
the  predsuro  of  my  knees,  and  away  we  went  at  a  slapping  pace.  I  con- 
gratulated myself  on  conquering  my  own  curiosity,  and  on  avoiding  that 
«f  my  travelling  companion.  This,  I  said  to  myself,  is  the  value  of  a 
good  horse;  I  patted  his  neck — I  felt  proud  of  him.  Presently  I  heard 
the  steps  of  the  unknown's  horse — the  clatter  increased.  Ah,  my  friend, 
thought  I,  it  won't  do ;  you  should  be  well  mounted  if  you  desire  my 
company  ;  I  pushed  Mohawk  faster,  faster,  faster — to  his  best.  He  out- 
did himself;  he  had  never  trotted  so  handsomely — so  easily — so  well. 

I  guess  that  is  a  pretty  considerabh  smart  !iorsc,  said  the  stranger,  at 
he  came  beside  me,  and  apparently  reined  in,  to  prevent  his  horse  pass- 
ing me  ;  there  is  not,  I  recken,  so  spry  a  one  on  my  circuit. 

Circuit,  or  no  circuit,  one  thing  was  settled  in  my  mind ;  he  was  a 
Yankee,  and  a  very  impertinent  Yankee  too.  I  felt  Kumbled,  my  pride 
WS8  hurt,  and  Mohawk  was  beateii.  To  continue  this  trotting  contest 
was  humiliating  ;  I  yielded,  therefore,  before  the  victory  was  palpable, 
and  pulled  up.  Yes,  continued  he,  a  horse  of  pretty  considerable  good 
action,  and  a  pretty  fair  trotter,  too,  I  guess.  Pride  must  have  a  fall— 
I  confess  mine  was  prostrate  in  the  dust.  Thf-se  words  cut  me  to  the 
heart.  What !  is  it  come  to  this,  poor  Mohawk,  that  you,  the  admiration 
of  all  but  the  envious,  the  great  Mohawk,  the  staridard  by  which  all  other 
horses  are  measured— trots  next  to  Mohawk,  only  yields  to  Mohawk, 
looks  like  Mohawk — ihat  you  are,  after  all,  only  a  counterfeit,  and  pro- 
nounced by  a  straggling  Yankee  to  be  merely  "a  pretty  fair  trotter!'* 
If  he  was  trained,  I  guess  that  ho  might  be  made  do  a  little  more. — 
Excuse  me,  but  if  you  divide  your  weight  between  the  knee  and  the  stir- 
rup, rather  most  on  the  knee,  and  rise  forward  on  the  saddle,  so  as  to 
leave  a  little  daylight  between  you  and  it,  I  hope  I  may  never  ride  thit 
circuit  again,  if  you  don't  get  a  mile  more  an  hour  out  of  him.  What  ? 
not  enough,  I  mentally  groaned,  to  have  my  horse  beaten,  but  I  must  be 
told  that  I  don't  know  how  to  ride  him ;  and  that,  too,  by  a  Yankee — 
Ay,  there's  the  rub — a  Yankee  what  1  Perhaps  «t  half-bred  poppy,  half 
Yankee,  half  blue  nose.  As  there  is  no  escape,  Pll  try  to  make  out  my 
riding  master.  Your  eireuit,  said  I,  my  looks  expressing  all  the  surprise 
they  were  capable  of — your  circuit,  pray  what  may  that  be  ]  Oh,  said 
tie,  the  eastern  circuit — I  am  on  the  eastern  circuit,  sir.  I  have  heard, 
said  I,  feeling  that  I  now  had  a  lawyer  to  deal  with,  that  there  is  a  great 
deal  of  business  on  this  circuit — pray,  are  there  many  cases  of  import- 
ance 1  There  is  a  pretty  fair  business  to  be  done,  at  least  there  has  been, 
but  the  cases  are  of  no  great  value — we  do  not  make  much  out  of  them, 
we  get  them  up  very  easy,  but  they  don't  bring  much  profit.  What  a 
beaat,  thought  1,  is  this  ;  and  what  a  curse  to  a  country,  toh^ve  sucUw 


vinfel 
»  fini 


trav< 

talke 
profi 
to  hi  I 
a  hoi[ 
tide 
but 


^or  am  T,  said 
!  It  occurred 
lis  appearance 
suitable — the 
t  staidncss  of 
short,  so  cha- 

curiosity — a 
oti)  with  BUS- 
who  he  could 
of  his  circuit 
self,  is  this  ; 
houliJ  be  late 
Mohawk  felt 
ace.     I  coo- 
ivoiding  that 
le  value  of  a 
Rntly  I  heard 
1».  my  friend, 
u  desire  nay 
St.     He  out- 
' — so  well. 

strBnger,  as 
I  horse  pass- 

i ;  he  was  a 

id,  my  pride 

ting  contest 

as  palpable, 

erable  good 

ave  a  fait— 

It  mc  to  the 

!  admiration 

ch  ail  other 

0  Mohawk, 

it,  and  pro- 

r  trotter!'* 

more.— 

nd  the  stir- 

i&,  so  as  to 

r  ride  this 

■    What  ? 

I  must  be 

Yankee — 

nny,  half 
ke  out  my 
le  surprise 

Oh,  said 
ive  heard, 
is  a  great 
»f  import- 
has  been, 
'■  of  them. 

What  a 
e  auchw 


rnt    CLOCKMAKB*. 


IT 


unfeeling,  pettifogging  rascal  practising  in  it — a  horse  jockey,  too— what 
*  finished  character !     I'll  try  him  on  that  branch  of  his  business. 

That  is  a  superior  animal  you  are  mounted  on,  said  I — I  seldom  meet 
one  that  can  Irivcl  with  mine.     Yes,  said  he,  coolly,  a  considerable  fair 
traveller,  and  most  particular  good  bottom.     I  hesitated,  this  man  who 
talks  with  such  unblushing  elTrontery  of  getting  up  cases,  and  making 
profit  out  of  them,  cannot  be  offended  at  the  question — yes,  I  will  put  it 
to  him.     Do  you  feel  an  inclination  to  part  with  him  ^     I  never  part  with 
a  horse,  sir,  that  suits  me,  said  he — J  am  fond  of  a  horso — I  don't  like  to 
ride  in  the  dust  after  every  one  I  meet,  and  I  allow  no  man  to  pass  me 
but  when  I  choose.     Is  it  possible,  I  thou^rht,  that  he  can  know  me  ; 
that  he  has  heard  of  my  foible,  and  is  quizzing  me  ;  or  have  I  this  feel- 
ing in  common  with  him.     But,  continued  I,  you  might  supply  yourself 
again.     Not  on  this  circuit,  I  guess,  said  he,  nor  yet  in  CampbcH's  eir« 
cuit.     Campbell's  circuit — pray,  sir,  what  is  thati     That,  said  he,  is  the 
western — and  Lampton  rides  the  shore  circuit ;  and  as  for  the  people  on 
the  shore,  they  know  as  little  of  horses,  that  Lampton  tells  me,  a  man 
from  Aylnsford  once  sold  a  hornless  ox  there,  whose  tail  he  had  cut  and 
nicked  for  a  horse  of  the  Goliath  breed.     I  should  think,  said  I,  that  Mr. 
Lampton  must  have  no  lack  of  casci.  u.aong  such  enlightened  client*. 
Clients,  sir,  said  my  friend,  Mr.  Lampton  is  not  a  lawyer.     I  beg  pardon, 
I  thought  you  said  he  roiit.  4.hc  circuit.     We  call  it  a  circuit,  said  the 
stranger,  who  seemed  by  no  means  flattered  by  the  mistake — we  divide 
the  Province,  as  in  the  Almanac,  into  circuits,  in  each  of  which  we 
separately  carry  on  our  business  of  manufacturing  and  selling  clocks.— 
There  are  few,  I  guess,  said  the  Clockinaker,  who  go  upon  tick  as  much 
as  wc  do,  who  have  so  little  use  for  lawyers  ;  if  attorneys  could  wind  %- 
man  up  again,  after  he  has  been  fairly  run  lioien,  I  guess  they'd  be  a 
pretty  harmless  sort  of  folks.     This  explanation  restored  my  good  humour, 
and  as  I  could  not  quit  my  companion,  and  he  did  not  feel  disposed  to 
leave  me,  I  made  up  my  mind  to  travel  with  him  to  Fort  Lawrence,  the 
limit  of  his  circuit. 


CHAPTER  H.  * 

THE  CLOCKMAKER. 

I  HAD  heard  of  Yankee  clock  pedlers,  tin  pedlers,  and  bible  pedlers, 
especially  of  him  who  sold  Polyglott  Bibles  {all  in  English)  to  the  amount 
of  sixteen  thousand  pounds.  The  house  of  every  substantial  farmer  had 
three  substantial  ornaments,  a  wooden  clock,  a  tin  reflector,  and  a  Polyglott 
Bible.  How  is  it  that  an  American  can  sell  his  wares,  at  whatever  price 
he  pleases,  where  a  blue-nose  would  fail  to  make  a  sale  at  all  ?  I  will  in- 
quire of  the  Clockmaker  the  secret  of  his  success.  What  a  pity  it  is, 
Mr.  Slick,  (for  such  was  his  name,)  what  a  pity  it  is,  said  I,  that  you, 
who  are  so  successful  in  teaching  these  people  the  value  of  clocks,  could 
not  also  teach  them  the  value  of  time.  I  guess,  said  he,  they  have  got 
that  rir.j  to  grow  on  their  horns  yet,  which  every  four-year-old  has  in  our 
country.  We  reckon  hours  and  minutes  to  be  dollars  and  cents.  They 
do  nothing  in  these  parts,  but  eat,  drink,  smoke,  sleep,  ride  about,  lounge  at 
taverns,  make  speeches  at  temperance  meetings,  and  talk  about  "  Houst 
of  Assembly.''^  If  a  man  don't  hoe  his  corn,  and  he  don't  get  a  crop,  he 
says  it  is  all  owing  to  the  bank  ;  and  if  he  runs  into  debt  and  ia  sued, 
why,  he  says  the  lawyers  are  a  curse  to  the  country.    They  are  a  most 

B  2 


*s*f 


^> 


w 


TI7I  CLOCKKACnC. 


!  !t-' 


ml 


f 


M 


^'j: 


il 


idle  set  of  folks,  I  tell  yoo.  But  how  is  it^  s&id  I,  that  yoa  manngv  t9 
•ell  such  an  immense  number  of  clocks,  (which  certainly  cannot  be  called 
necessary  articles,)  among  a  people  with  whom  there  seems  to  be  so 
great  a  scarcity  of  money  ? 

Mr.   Slick  paused,  as  if  considering  the  propriety  of  answering  the 

?oestion,  and  looking  me  in  the  face,  said,  in  a  conSdential  tone.  Why, 
don't  care  if  I  do  tell  you,  for  the  market  in  glutted,  and  I  shall  quit 
this  circuit.  It  is  done  by  a  knowledge  of  soft  tatmicr  and  human  vatur. 
But  here  in  Beacon  Flint's,  said  he,  I  have  but  one  clock  left,  and  I  guess 
I  will  sell  it  to  him.  At  the  {rate  of  a  most  comfortable  looking  farm 
bouse  stood  De&con  Flint,  a  respectable  old  man,  who  had  understood 
the  value  of  time  better  than  most  of  his  neigiibours,  if  one  might  judge 
from  the  appearance  of  ererything  about  him.  After  the  usual  saluta« 
tioii,  an  invitation  to  "alight"  was  accepted  by  Mr.  Slick,  who  said,  he 
wished  to  take  leave  of  nn.  Flint  before  he  left  Colchester.  We  had 
hardly  entered  the  house,  before  the  Clockmaker  pointed  to  the  view 
from  the  window,  and,  addressing  himself  to  me,  said,  if  I  was  to  tell 
them  ill  Connecticut,  there  was  such  a  farm  as  this  away  down  east  here 
in  Nova  Scotia,  they  wouldn't  believe  me — wh} ,  there  aint  such  a  loca- 
t)^  in  all  New  England.  The  deacon  has  a  hundred  acres  of  dyke-^ 
Mrenty,  said  the  deacon,  only  seventy.  Well,  seventy ;  but  then  there 
is  your  fine  deep  bottom,  why,  I  could  run  a  ramrod  into  it — Interval,  we 
call  it,  said  the  deacon,  who,  though  evidently  pleased  at  this  eulogium» 
seemed  to  wish  the  experiment  of  the  ramrod  to  be  tried  in  the  right 
place — well,  interval  if  you  please,  (though  Professor  Eleazer  Cumstick, 
in  bis  work  on  Ohio,  calls  them  bottoms,)  is  just  as  ^ood  as  dyke. 
Then  there  is  that  water  privilege,  worth  3  or  $4,000,  twice  as  good  as 
what  Governor  Cass  paid  $15,000  for.  I  wonder,  deacon,  you  don't 
put  up  a  carding  mill  on  it :  the  same  works  would  carry  a  turning  lathe, 
a  shingle  machine,  a  circular  saw,  grind  bark,  and  — .  Too  old,  said  the 
deacon,  too  old  'or  all  those  speculations — old,  repeated  the  Clockmaker, 
not  you  ;  why,  you  are  worth  half  a  dozen  of  the  young  men  we  see 
Dow-a>day8,  you  are  young  enough  to  have-  here  he  said  something  in  a 
lowfr  tone  of  voice,  which  I  did  not  distinctly  hear ;  but  whatever  it 
was,  the  deacon  was  pleased,  he  smiled  and  said  he  did  not  think  of  such 
things  now.  But  your  beasts,  dear  me,  your  beasts  must  be  put  in  and 
have  a  feed ;  saying  which,  he  went  out  to  order  them  to  be  taken  to 
the  stable.  As  the  old  gentleman  closed  the  door  after  him,  Mr.  Slick 
^rew  near  to  me,  and  said  in  an  under  tone,  that  is  what  I  call  "  soft 
aatfder."  An  Englishman  would  pasii  that  man  as  a  sheep  passes  a  hog 
in  a  pasture,  without  looking  at  him  ;  or,  said  he,  looking  rather  archly, 
if  he  was  mounted  on  a  pretty  smart  horse,  I  guess  he'd  trot  away,  if  he 
could. 

Now  I  find— here  his  lecture  on  *♦  toft  sawder'^  was  cut  short  by  the 
entrance  of  Mrs.  Flint.  Jist  come  to  say  good  bye,  Mrs.  Flint.  What, 
have  you  sold  all  your  clocks]  yes,  and  very  low,  too,  for  money  is 
scarce,  and  I  wished  to  close  the  consarn ;  no,  I  am  wrong  in  saying  all,  for 
I  have  just  one  left.  Neighbour  Steel's  wife  asked  to  have  the  refusal  of 
it,  bat  I  e[uess  I  won't  sell  it ;  I  had  but  two  of  them,  this  one  and  the 
feller  of  it,  that  I  sold  Governor  Lincoln.  General  Green,  the  secre- 
tary of  state  for  Maine,  said  he'd  give  me  $50  for  this  here  one— it  has 
composition  wheels  and  patent  axles,  it  is  a  beautiful  article— a  real  first 
chop— no  mistake,  genuine  superfine,  but  I  guess  I'll  take  it  back  ;  and 
beaides,  Squire  Hawk  might  think  kinder  harder,  that  I  did  not  give  him 


TBB  •ILBNT  OIBM. 


19 


oa  mmigeto 
nnot  be  called 
ann  to  be  ao 

newering  the 
I  tone,  Why, 
1  I  shall  quit 
human  vatur. 
t,  and  I  guess 
looking  farm 
i  understuod 
I  might  judge 
usual  saluta- 
who  said,  he 
sr.     We  had 

to  the  view 

was  to  tell 
wn  east  here 
such  a  loca* 
s  of  dyke— - 
t  then  there 
Interval,  we 
lis  eulogium, 
in  the  right 
!r  Cumstick, 
}d  as  dyke. 
)  as  good  as 
you  don't 
irning  lathe, 
dM,  said  the 

'lockmaker, 
nen  we  see 
nething  in  a 
whatever  it 
link  of  such 

put  in  and 
be  taken  to 
,  Mr.  Slick 

call  "  soft 
isses  a  hog 
her  archly, 
iway,  if  he 

lort  by  the 
It.     What, 

money  is 
ing  all,  for 

refusal  of 
le  and  the 
the  secre- 
ne — it  has 

real  first 
>ack;  and 

give  him 


1 
t 


the  offer.  Dear  me,  said  Mrs.  Flint,  I  should  like  to  see  it,  where  is  it  1 
It  is  in  a  chest  of  mine  over  the  way,  at  Tom  Tape's  store,  I  guess  he 
can  ship  it  on  to  Eastport.  That's  a  good  man,  said  Mrs.  Flint,  jist  let's 
look  at  it.  Mr.  Slick,  willing  to  oblige,  yielded  to  these  entreaties,  and 
soon  produced  the  clock — a  gawdy,  highly  varnished,  trumpery  looking 
affair.  He  placed  it  on  the  chimney-piece,  where  its  beauties  were 
pointed  out  and  duly  appreciated  by  Mrs.  Flint,  whose  admiration  was 
about  ending  in  a  proposal,  when  Mr.  Flint  returned  from  giving  his  di- 
rections about  the  care  of  the  horses.  The  deacon  praised  the  clock,  he 
too  thought  it  a  handsome  one  ;  but  the  deacon  was  a  prudent  man,  he 
had  a  watch,  he  was  sorry,  but  he  had  no  occasion  for  a  clock.  I  guess 
you're  in  the  wrong  furrow  this  time,  deacon,  it  aint  for  sale,  said  Mr. 
Slick  ;  and  if  it  was,  I  reckon  neighbour  Steel's  wife  would  have  it,  for 
she  gives  me  no  peace  about  it.  Mrs.  Flint  said,  that  Mr.  Steel  had  eqpugh 
to  do,  poor  man,  to  pay  his  interests,  without  buying  clocks  for  his  wire. 
It's  no  consarn  of  mine,  said  Mr.  Slick,  as  long  as  he  pays  me,  what  he 
has  to  do,  but  I  guess  I  don't  want  to  sell  it,  and  besides  it  comes  too 
high ;  that  clock  can't  be  made  at  Rhode  Island  under  40  dollars.  Why, 
it  aint  possible,  said  the  Clockmaker,  in  apparent  surprise,  looking  at  his 
watch,  why,  as  I'm  alive  it  is  4  o'clock,  and  if  I  haven't  been  (wo  hours 
here — how  on  airth  shall  I  reach  River  Philip  to-night  1  I'll  tell  you 
what,  Mrs.  Flint,  I'll  leave  the  clock  in  your  care  till  I  return  on  my  way 
to  the  States — I'll  set  it  a  going  and  put  it  to  the  right  time.  As  soon 
as  this  operation  was  performed,  he  delivered  the  key  to  the  deacon  with 
a  sort  of  a  serio-comic  injunction  to  wind  up  the  clock  every  Saturday 
night,  which  Mrs.  Flint  said  she  would  take  care  should  be  done,  and 
promised  to  remind  her  husband  of  it,  in  case  he  should  chance  to  for- 
get it. 

That,  said  the  Clockmaker,  as  soon  as  we  were  mounted,  that  I  call 
*'  human  nalur .'"  Now  that  clock  is  sold  for  40  dollars— it  cost  me  just 
6  dollars  and  50  cents.  Mrs.  Flint  will  never  let  Mrs.  Steel  have  the 
refusal — ^nor  will  the  deacon  learn  until  I  call  for  the  clock,  that  having 
once  indulged  in  the  use  of  a  superfluity,  how  difficult  it  is  to  give  it  up. 
We  can  do  without  any  article  of  luxury  we  have  never  had,  but  when 
once  obtained,  it  is  not  "  in  human  nalur"  to  surrender  it  voluntarily. 
Of  fifteen  thousand  sold  by  myself  and  my  partners  in  this  Province, 
twelve  thousand  were  left  in  this  manner,  and  only  ten  clocks  were  ever 
returned — when  we  called  for  them  they  invariably  bought  them.  We 
trust  to  *' soft  sawder"  to  get  them  into  the  house,  and  to  *yhuman  na- 
tur"  tha^  they  never  come  out  of  it. 


CHAPTER  III. 
THE  SILENT  :^IRLS. 


1*^ 


Do  you  see  them  are  swallows,  said  the  Clockmaker,  how  low  they 
fly  1  WeH,  I  presume  we  shall  have  rain  right  away,  and  them  noisy 
critters,  them  gulls,  how  close  they  keep  no  the  water,  down  there  in  the 
Shubenacadie ;  well,  that's  a  sure  sign.  If  '  °e  study  nulur,  we  don't 
want  no  thermometer.  But  I  guess  we  uhall  be  in  time  to  get  under 
cover  in  a  shingle-maker's  shed,  about  three  miles  ahead  on  us..  We  had 
just  reached  the  deserted  hovel  when  the  rain  fell  in  torrents. 

I  reckon,  said  the  Clockmaker,  as  he  sat  himself  down  on  a  bundle  of 
shingles,  I  reckon  they  are  bau  oQ  for  inns  in  this  country.    When  a  fel- 


1'  I 


VHB   CLOOKMAKKB. 


V 


l|!^ 


ii 


?  1 


M 


ler  is  too  lazy  to  work  here,  he  paints  his  name  over  his  door,  and  calli 
it  a  tavern,  and  as  like  as  not  he  makes  the  whole  neighbourhood  as 
lazy  as  himseir— it  is  about  as  easy  to  find  a  good  inn  in  Halifax,  as  it  is 
to  find  wool  on  a  goat's  back.  An  inn,  to  be  a  good  consarn,  must  be 
built  a  purpose ;  you  can  no  more  make  a  good  tavern  out  of  a  common 
dwelling-house,  I  expect,  than  a  good  coat  out  of  an  old  pair  of  trowsers. 
They  are  etarnal  lazy,  you  may  depend — now  there  might  be  a  grand 
spec  made  there,  in  building  a  good  inn  and  a  good  church.  What  a 
aacrilegiuus  and  unnatural  union,  said  I,  with  most  unaffected  surprise.  Not 
at  all,  said  Mr.  Slick,  we  build  both  on  speculation  in  the  States,  and 
make  a  good  deal  of  profit  out  of  'em  too,  I  tell  you.  We  Ioo>(  out  a 
good  sightly  place,  in  a  town  like  Halifax,  that  is  pretty  considerably 
well  peopled  with  folks  that  are  good  marks  ;  and  if  there  is  no  real  rigkit 
down  good  preacher  among  them,  we  build  a  handsome  church,  touched 
off  like  a  New  York  liner,  a  real  taking  looking  thinv; — an  1  liien  we  look 
out  for  a  preacher,  a  crack  man,  a  regular  ten  horse  power  chap — well, 
we  hire  him,  and  we  have  to  give  pretty  high  wages  too,  say  twelve  hun- 
dred or  sixteen  hundred  dollars  a  year.  We  take  hiin  at  first  on  trial 
for  a  Sabbath  or  two,  to  try  bis  paces,  and  if  he  takes  with  the  folks,  if 
ha  goes  down  well,  we  clinch  the  bargain,  and  let  and  sell  the  pews ;  and, 
I  tell  you  it  pays  well  and  makes  a  real  good  investment.  There  were 
few  better  specs  among  us  than  inns  and  churches,  until  the  railroads 
came  on  the  carpet — as  soon  as  the  novelty  of  the  new  preacher  wears 
c!f,  we  hire  another,  and  that  keeps  up  the  vteam.  I  trust  it  will  be  long, 
very  long,  my  friend,  said  I,  ere  the  rage  for  speculation  introduces  "  the 
moneychangers  into  the  temple"  with  us.  Mr.  Slick  looked  at  me  with 
a  most  ineffable  expression  of  pity  and  surprise.  Depend  on  it,  sir,  said 
he,  with  a  most  philosophical  air,  this  provir..j  is  much  behind  the  intel- 
ligence of  the  age.  But  if  it  is  behind  us  in  that  respect,  it  is  a  long 
chalk  ahead  on  us  in  others. 

I  never  seed  or  heard  tell  of  a  country  that  had  s<  many  natural  privi- 
leges as  this.  Why,  there  are  twice  as  many  harboui-s  and  water  powers 
here,  as  we  have  all  the  way  from  Eastport  to  New  OtUens.  They  have 
all  they  can  ax,  and  more  than  they  dosarve.  They  have  iron,  coal, 
slate,  grindstone,  lime,  firestone,  gypsum,  freestone,  and  a  list  as  long'ai 
an  auctioneer's  catalogue.  But  thiey  are  either  asleep,  or  stone  blind  to 
tiiem.  Their  ehorns  are  crowded  with  fish,  and  their  lands  covered  with 
wood.  A  government  that  lays  as  light  on  'em  as  a  down  counterpin, 
and  no  taxes.  1'hen  look  at  their  dyker.  The  Lord  seems  to  have  made  'em 
on  purpose  for  such  lazy  folks.  If  vou  were  to  tell  the  citizens  of  our  coun- 
try, that  these  dykes  had  been  cropped  for  a  hundred  years  without  manure, 
they'd  say,  they  guessed  you  had  seen  Col.  Crockett,  the  greatest  hand  at 
flam  in  all  our  nation.  You've  heerd  tell  of  a  man  who  couldn't  see  London 
for  the  houses,  I  tell  you,  if  we  had  this  country,  you  couldn't  see  the  har- 
bours for  the  shipping.  There'd  be  a  rush  of  folks  tu  it,  as  there  is  in  one  of 
our  inns,  to  the  dinner  table,  when  they  sometimes  get  jammed  together  in 
the  door-way,  and  a  man  has  to  lake  a  running  leap  over  their  heads, 
afore  he  can  get  in.  A  tittle  nigircr  boy  in  New  York  found  a  diamond 
worth  2,000  dollars  ;  well,  he  sold  it  to  a  watchmaker  for  60  cents — the 
little  critter  didn't  know  no  belter.  Your  people  are  just  like  thi  nigger 
boy,  theydorCt  know  the  value  of  their  diamond. 

Do  you  know  the  reason  monkeys  are  no  good  1  because  they  chatter 
all  day  long — so  do  the  niggers — and  so  do  the  blue  noses  of  Nova 
Scotia — it's  all  talk  and  no  work ;  now  with  us  it's  all  work  and  no  talk — 


CONVKR8ATIONS   AT  THK   BITKB   FlIILir. 


SI 


oor,  and  calb 
libourhood  m 
alifax,  as  it  it 
am,  must  be 
of  a  common 
r  of  trowsers. 

be  a  grantl 
b.  WEat  a 
urprise.  Not 

States,  and 
i  loo.(  out  a 
considerably 
no  real  rigbt 
rch,  touched 
hen  we  look 
chap— well, 
twelve  hun- 
first  on  trial 
the  folks,  if 
pews;  and, 
fhere  were 
le  railroads 
cher  wears 
vill  be  long, 
[luces  "  the 
at  me  with 
it,  sir,  said 
1  the  inteU 
^  is  a  long 

tural  privi- 
tcr  powers 
They  have 
ion,  coal, 
as  loi^'as 
e  blind  to 
'cicd  with 
)unterpin, 
made  'em 
our  coun- 
t  manure, 
It  hand  at 
e  London 
i  the  har- 
in  one  of 
getherin 
ir  heads, 
diamond 
rats — the 
r  nigger 


in  our  shipyards,  our  factories,  our  mills,  and  even  in  our  vessels,  there's 
no  talk — a  man  can't  work  and  talk  too.  I  guess  if  you  were  at  the  facto- 
ries at  Lowell  we'd  show  you  a  wonder — Jive  huvdred  gals  at  work  togethtf 
all  in  silence.  I  don't  think  our  great  country  has  such  a  real  natural  cv- 
riosity  as  that — I  expect  the  world  don't  contain  the  beat  of  that ;  for  a 
woman's  tongue  goes  so  slick  of  itself,  without  water  power  or  steam, 
and  moves  so  easy  on  its  hinges,  that  it's  no  easy  matter  to  put  a  spring 
stop  on  it,  I  tell  you — it  comes  as  natural  as  drinking  mint  julep. 

1  don't  pretend  to  say  the  gals  don't  nullify  the  rule  sometimes,  at 
intermission  and  arter  hours,  but  when  they  do,  if  they  don't  let  go,  then 
it's  a  pity.  Yon  have  heerd  a  school  come  out,  Af  little  boys.  Lord,  it's  no 
touch  to  it ;  or  a  fluck  of  geese  at  it,  they  are  no  more  a  match  for  'em 
than  a  pony  is  for  a  coach-horse.  But  when  they  are  at  work,  all's  as 
still  as  sleep  and  no  snoring.  I  guess  we  have  a  right  to  brag  o'  that 
invention — we  trained  the  dear  critters,  so  they  don't  think  of  striking 
the  minutes  and  seconds  no  longer. 

Now  the  folks  of  Halifax  take  it  all  out  in  talking — they  talk  of  steam- 
boats, whalers,  and  railroads — but  they  all  end  where  they  begin — ^in  talk. 
I  don't  think  I'd  be  out  in  my  latitude,  if  I  was  to  say  they  beat  the  wo- 
men kind  at  that.  One  feller  says,  I  talk  of  going  to  England — another 
says,  I  talk  of  going  to  the  country — while  a  third  says,  I  talk  of  going 
to  sleep.  Jf  we  happen  to  speak  of  such  things,  we  say,  "  I'm  right  off 
down  east ;  or  I'm  away  off  south,"  and  away  we  go,  jist  like  a  streak 
of  lightning. 

When  we  want  folks  to  talk,  we  pay  'em  for  it,  such  as  our  ministers, 
lawyers,  and  members  of  congress :  but  then  we  expect  the  use  of  their 
tongues,  and  not  their  hands ;  and  when  we  pay  folks  to  work,  we  expect 
ih*  «•»  of  »hpir  handn.  -inA  not  their  tnngiien.  T  gnnRn  work  don't  roma 
kind  o'  natural  to  the  poople  of  this  province,  no  more  than  it  does  to  a 
full  bred  horse.  1  expect  they  think  they  have  a  little  too  much,  blood  in 
'cm  for  work,  for  they  are  near  about  as  proud  as  they  are  lazy. 

Now  the  bees  know  how  to  sarve  out  such  chaps,  for  they  have  their 
drones  too.  Well,  they  reckon  it's  no  fun,  a  making  honey  all  summer, 
for  these  idle  critters  to  eat  all  winter — so  they  give  'em  Lynch  law. 
They  have  a  regular  built  mob  of  citizens,  and  string  up  the  drones  like 
the  Vicksburg  gamblers.  Their  maxim  is,  and  not  a  bad  one  neither  I 
guess,  "  no  work,  no  honey." 


CHAPTER  IV.  ' 

CONVERSATIONS  AT  THE  RIVER  PHILIP. 

It  was  late  before  we  arrived  at  l*ngnose's  inn — the  evening  was  cool, 
and  a  fire  was  cheering  and  comfortable.  Mr.  iSlick  declined  any  share 
in  the  bottle  of  wine,  he  said  he  was  dyspeptic  ;  and  a  glass  or  two  soon 
convinced  me,  that  it  was  likely  to  produce  in  me  something  worse  than 
the  dyspepsy.  It  was  speedily  removed,  and  we  drew  up  to  the  fire. 
Taking  a  small  penknife  from  his  pocket,  he  began  to  whittle  a  thin  piece 
of  dry  wood,  which  lay  on  the  hearth  ;  and,  after  musing  some  time  said, 
I  guess  you've  never  been  in  the  Stales.  I  replied  that  I  had  not,  but 
that  before  I  returned  to  England  I  proposed  visiting  that  co jntry.  There, 
said  he,  you'll  9ee  the  great  Daniel  Webster — he's  a  great  man,  I  tell  you  ; 
King  William,  number  4,  I  guess,  would  be  no  match  for  him  as  an  ort- 


I 


•w. 


tt 


THK   CLOCKMAKBR. 


li  ! 


I 


■  *•*!<' 


tor — he'd  talk  him  out  of  sight  in  half  an  hour.  If  he  was  in  your  Hous* 
of  Commons,  I  reckon  he'd  make  some  of  your  great  folks  look  pretty 
streaked — he's  a  true  patriot  and  statesman,  the  first  in  our  country,  and  a 
most  particular  cute  lawyer.  There  was  a  Quaker  chap  too  cute  for  him  once 
tho'.  This  Quaker,  a  pretty  knowin'  old  shaver,  had  a  cause  down  to  Rhode 
Island  ;  so  he  went  to  Daniel  to  hire  him  to  go  down  and  plead  his  case  for 
him;  so,  says  he,  Lawyer  Webster,  what's  your  fee  !  W  hy,  says  Daniel, 
let  me  see,  I  have  to  go  down  south  to  Washington,  to  plead  the  great  insu< 
ranee  case  of  the  Hartford  company — and  I've  got  io  be  at  Cincinnati  to  at- 
tend the  convention,  and  I  don't  see  how  lean  go  to  Rhode  Island  without 
{[reat  lose  and  great  fatigutf ;  it  would  cost  you  maybe  more  than  you'd  be  wil- 
ing to  give.  Well,  the  Quaker  looked  pretty  white  about  the  gills,  I  tell 
you,  when  he  heard  thii^,  for  he  could  not  do  without  him  no  how,  and  he 
did  not  like  this  preliminary  talk  of  his  at  all — at  last  he  made  bold  to  ask 
him  the  worst  of  it,  what  be  would  take ;  why,  says  Daniel,  I  always 
liked  the  Quakers,  they  are  a  quiet  peaceable  people  who  never  go  to  law 
if  they  can  help  it,  and  it  would  be  better  for  our  great  country  if  there 
were  more  such  people  in  it.  I  never  seed  or  heerd  tell  of  any  harm  in 
'em  except  going  the  whole  figure  for  Gineral  Jackson,  and  that  ever- 
lastin  almighty  villain,  Van  Buren ;  yes,  I  love  the  Quakers,  I  hope  they'll 
go  the  Webster  ticket  yet — and  I'll  go  for  you  as  low  as  I  can  any  way 
afford,  say  1,000  dollars.  The  Quaker  well  nigh  fainted  when  he  heard 
this,  but  he  was  pretty  deep  too  ;  so,  says  he,  lawyer,  that's  a  great  deal 
of  money,  but  I  have  more  causes  there,  if  I  give  you  the  1,000  dollars 
will  you  plead  the  other  cases  I  shall  have  to  give  to  you  1  Yes,  says 
Daniel,  I  will  to  the  best  of  my  hutr.ble  abilities  ;  so  down  they  went  to 
Rhode  Island,  and  Daniel  tried  the  case  ancl  carried  it  for  the  Quaker. 
WrII.  the  Quaker  Ha  gnna  round  tn  all  tlut  folkn  that  had  «tiitR  in  rrturt, 
and  says  he,  what  will  you  give  me  if  I  get  the  great  Daniel  to  plead  for 
you  1  It  cost  ;ne  1,000  dollars  for  a  fee,  but  now  he  and  I  are  pretty 
thick,  and  as  he  is  on  the  spot,  I'd  get  him  to  plead  cheap  for  you — so 
he  got  three  hundred  dollars  from  one,  and  two  from  another,  and  so  on, 
until  he  got  eleven  hundred  dollars,  jist  one  hundred  more  than  he  gave. 
Daniel  was  in  a  great  rage  when  he  heerd  this ;  what,  said  he  do  you 
think  I  would  agree  to  your  letting  me  out  like  a  horse  to  hire  ?  Friend 
Daniel,  said  the  Quaker,  didst  thou  not  undertake  to  plead  all  such  cases 
as  I  should  have  to  give  to  thee  1  If  thou  .wilt  not  stand  to  thy  agree- 
ment, neither  will  I  stand  to  mine.  Daniel  laughed  out  ready  to  split 
his  sides' at  this.  Well,  says  he,  L  guess  I  might  as  well  siand  still  for 
you  to  put  the  bridle  on  this  time,  for  you  have  fairly  pinned  me  up  in  a 
corner  of  the  fence  any  how — so  he  went  good  humouredly  to  work  and 
pleaded  them  all. 

This  lazy  fellow,  Pugnose,  continued  the  Clockmaker,  that  keeps  this 
Inn,  is  going  to  sell  ofT  and  go  to  the  States  ;  he  says  he  has  to  work  too 
bard  here ;  that  the  markets  are  dull,  and  the  winters  too  long ;  and  he 
guesses  he  can  live  easier  there  ;  I  guess  he'll  find  his  mistake  afore  he 
has  been  there  long.  Why,  our  country  aint  to  be  compared  to  this,  on 
no  account  whatever ;  our  country  never  made  us  to  be  the  great  nation 
we  are,  but  wo  made  the  country.  How  on  airth  could  we,  if  we  were 
all  like  old  Pugnose,  as  lazy,  as  udy,  make  that  cold  thin  soil  of  New 
England  produce  what  it  does  1  Why,  sir,  the  land  between  Boston  and 
Salem  would  starve  a  flock  of  geese  ;  and  yet  look  at  Salem,  it  has  more 
cash  than  would  buy  Nova  Scotia  from  the  king.  We  rise  early,  live 
frugally,  and  work  late  :  what  we  get  we  take  care  of.    To  all  this  w« 


jOiiTicB  riTTiroo.  M 

add  enterprise  and  intelligence,  a  feller  who  finds  work  too  hard  here,  had 
better  not  go  to  the  Stales.  I  met  an  Irishman,  one  Pat  Lannigan,  last 
week,  who  had  just  returned  from  the  States  :  why,  says  I,  Pat,  what  on 
airth  brought  you  back  1  Bad  luck  to  them,  says  Pat,  if  I  warn't  properly 
bit.  What  do  you  get  a  day  in  Nova  Scotia  ?  says  Judge  Beler  to  mo. 
Four  shillinffs,  your  lordship,  says  I.  There  are  no  lords  here,  says 
he,  we  are  all  free.  Well,  says  he,  I'll  give  you  as  much  in  one  day  as 
yoa  can  earn  there  in  two  ;  Til  give  you  eight  shillings.  Long  life  to 
your  lordship,  says  I.  So  next  day  to  it  I  went  with  a  party  of  men  a 
digging  a  piece  of  canal,  and  if  it  wasn't  a  hot  day  my  name  is  not  Pat 
Lannigan.  Presently  I  looked  up  and  straightened  my  back ;  says  I  to 
a  comrade  of  mine,  Mick,  says  I,  I'm  very  dry  ;  with  that  says  the  over* 
seer,  we  don't  allow  gentlemen  to  talk  at  their  work  in  this  country. 
Faith,  I  soon  found  out  for  my  two  day's  pay  in  one,  I  had  to  do  two 
days*  work  in  one,  and  pay  two  weeks'  board  in  one,  and  at  the  end  of 
a  month,  I  found  myself  no  better  off  in  pocket  than  in  Nova  Scotia  ; 
while  the  devil  a  bone  in  my  body  that  didn't  ache  with  pain :  and  as 
for  my  nose,  it  took  to  bleeding  and  bled  day  and  night  entirely.  Upon 
my  eoul,  Mr  Slick,  said  he,  the  poor  labourer  does  not  last  long  in  your 
country ;  what  with  new  mm,  hard  labour,  and  hot  weather,  you'll  see  the 
graves  of  the  Irish  each  side  of  the  canals,  for  all  the  world  like  two 
rows  of  potatoes  in  a  field  that  have  forgot  to  come  up.  It  is  a  land, 
sir,  continued  the  Clockmaker,  of  hard  work.  We  have  two  kind  of 
slaves — the  niggers  and  the  white  slaves.  All  European  labourers  and 
blacks,  who  come  out  to  us,  do  our  hard  bodily  work,  while  we  direct  it 
to  a  profitable  end ;  neither  rich  nor  poor,  high  nor  low,  with  us,  eat  the 
bread  of  idleness.  Our  whole  capital  is  in  active  operation,  and  our 
whole  population  is  in  active  employment.  An  idle  fellow,  like  Pugnose, 
who  runs  away  to  us,  is  clapt  into  harness  afore  he  knows  where  he  is, 
and  is  made  to  work  ;  like  a  horse  that  refuses  to  draw,  he  is  put  into 
the  Team-boat ;  he  finds  some  before  him  and  others  behind  him,  Ae 
must  either  draw  or  be  dragged  to  death. 


CHAPTER  V. 

JUSTICE  PETTIFOG. 

In  the  morning  tho  Clcckmaker  informed  me  that  the  justice's  court 
was  to  be  held  that  day  at  Pugriose's  inn,  and  he  guessed  he  could  do  a 
little  business  among  the  country  folks  that  would  bf  assembled  there. 
Some  of  them,  he  said,  owe  '  '-<m  for  clocks,  and  it  would  save  him  a 
world  of  travelling,  to  have  the  justice  and  constable  to  drive  them  up 
together.  If  you  want  a  fat  wether,  there's  nothing  like  penning  up  the 
whole  flock  in  a  corner.  I  guess,  said  he,  if  General  Campbell  knew 
what  sort  of  a  man  that  are  magistrate  was,  he'd  disband  him  pretty 
quick  ;  he's  a  regular  suck  egg — a  disgrace  to  the  country.  I  guess  if 
he  acted  that  way  in  Kentucky,  he'd  got  a  breakfast  of  cold  lead  some 
morning,  out  of  the  small  eend  of  a  rifle,  he'd  find  pretty  difficult  to  di- 
gest. They  tell  me  he  issues  three  hundred  writs  a  year,  the  cost  of 
which,  including  that  tarnation  constable's  fees,  can't  amount  to  nothing 
less  than  3000  dollars  per  annum.  If  the  Hon.  Daniel  Webster  had  him 
afore  a  jury,  I  reckon  he'd  turn  him  inside  out,  and  slip  him  back  again, 
as  qu.-.k  as  an  old  stocking.    He'd  paint  him  to  the  life,  as  plain  to  be 


u 


TUB  CLOdCMAKEk. 


*.- 


known  aa  the  head  of  Gineral  Jackson.  He's  jist  a  fit  feller  for  Lynch 
law,  to  be  tried,  hanged,  and  damned,  all  at  once — there's  more  nor  him 
in  the  country — there's  some  of  the  breed  in  every  county  in  the  pro- 
vince. Jist  one  or  two  to  do  the  dirty  work,  as  we  keep  niggersTor  jobs 
that  would  give  a  white  man  the  cholera.  They  ought  to  pay  his  pas- 
sage, as  we  do  with  such  critters ;  tell  him  his  place  is  taken  in  the  mail 
coacl),  and  if  he's  to  be  found  here  after  twenty-fours,  they'd  make  a 
carpenter's  phmib-bob  of  him,  and  hang  him  outside  the  church  steeple, 
to  try  if  it  was  perpendicular,  lie  almost  always  gives  judgment  for 
plaintiff,  and  if  the  poor  defendant  has  an  offset,  he  makes  him  sue  it, 
so  that  it  grinds  a  grist  both  Avays  for  him,  like  the  upper  and  lower 
millstone. 

People  soon  began  to  assemble,  some  on  foot,  and  others  on  horseback 
and  in  wagons — Pugnose's  tavern  was  nil  bustle  and  confusion — plain- 
tiffs, defendaiits,  and  witnesses,  all  talking,  quarrelling,  explaining,  and 
drinking.  Here  comes  the  squire,  said  one  ;  I'm  thinking  his  horse  car- 
ries moie  roguery  than  law,  said  another  ;  they  must  have  been  in  pro- 
per want  of  timber  to  make  a  justice  of,  said  a  third,  when  they  took 
such  a  crooked  stick  as  that ;  sap-headed  enough,  too,  for  refuse,  said  a 
dtout-luoking  fanner ;  maybe  so,  said  another,  but  as  hard  at  the  heart 
as  a  log  of  elm  ;  howsomever,  said  a  third,  I  hope  he  won't  be  long  afore 
he  has  the  wainy  edge  scored  off  of  him,  any  how.  Many  more  such  re- 
marks were  made,  all  drawn  from  familiar  objects,  but  all  expressive 
of  bitterness  and  contempt. 

He  carried  one  or  two  large  books  with  him  in  his  gig,  with  a  consider- 
able roll  of  papers  As  soon  as  the  obsequious  Mr.  Puenose  saw  him  at 
the  door,  he  assisted  him  to  alight,  ushered  him  into  we  ''  best  room," 
and  desired  the  constable  to  attend  "  the  squire."  The  crowd  imme- 
diately entered,  and  the  constable  opened  the  court  in  due  form,  and 
commanded  silence.  Taking  out  a  long  list  of  causes,  Mr.  Pettifog  com- 
menced reading  the  names — James  Sharpe  versus  John  Slug—call  John 
Slug :  John  Slug  being  duly  called,  and  not  answering,  was  defaulted. 
In  this  manner  he  proceeded  to  default  some  twenty  or  thirty  persons  ; 
at  last  Ye  came  to  a  cause,  William  Hare  versus  Dennis  O'Brien— call 
Dennis  O'Brien — here  I  am,  said  a  voice  from  the  other  room — here  I 
am,  who  has  anything  to  say  to  Dennis  O'Brienl  Make  less  noise,  sir, 
said  the  justice,  or  I'll  commit  you.  Commit  me,  is  it,  said  Dennis, 
take  care  then,  squire,  you  don't  commit  yourself.  You  are  sued  by 
William  Hare  for  three  pounds,  for  a  month's  board  and  lodging ;  what 
have  you  to  say  to  it  1  Say  to  it,  said  Dennis,  did  you  ever  hear  what 
Tim  Doyle  said  when  he  was  going  to  be  hanged  for  stealing  a  pig?  says 
he,  if  the  pig  hadn't  squealed  in  the  bag  I'd  never  have  been  found  out, 
so  I  wouldn't ;  so  I'll  take  warning  by  Tim  Doyle's  fate ;  I  say  nothing, 
let  him  prove  it.  Here  Mr.  Hare  was  called  on  fur  his  proof;  but  tak- 
ing it  for  granted  that  the  board  would  be  admitted,  and  the  defence 
opened,  he  was  not  prepared  with  proof.  I  demand,  said  Dennis,  I  de- 
mand an  unsuit.  Here  there  was  a  consultation  between  the  justice  and 
the  plaintiff,  when  the  justice  said,  I  shall  not  nonsuit  him,  I  shall  con- 
tinue the  cause.  What,  hang  it  up  till  next  court  1  you  had  better  hang 
me  up  then  at  once  ;  Iiow  can  a  pour  man  come  here  so  often  1  this  may 
be  the  entertainment  Pugnose  advertises  for  horses  ;  but  by  Jacquers,  it 
is  no  entertainment  foi  me  :  I  admit  then,  sooner  than  come  again,  I  ad- 
mit it.  You  admit  you  owe  him  three  pounds  for  a  month's  board  1  I 
admit  no  such  thing,  I  say  I  boarded  with  hin>  a  month,  and  was  like  Pat 


'Her  for  Ljrnch 
I  more  nor  him 
Illy  in  the  pro- 
liggersTor  joba 
io  pay  his  pas- 
;en  in  the  mail 
they'd  make  a 
hurcli  steeple, 
judgment  for 
s  him  sue  it, 
)er  and  lower 

I  on  horseback 
fusion— plain- 
iplaining,  and 
his  horse  car- 
s  been  in  pro- 
hen  they  took 
refuse,  said  a 
1  at  the  heart 
be  long  afore 
more  suchte- 
lU  expressive 

:h  a  consider- 
e  saw  him  at 

best  room," 
;rowd  imme- 
e  form,  and 
'ettifog  com- 
g— call  John 
>8  defaulted. 
rty  persons  ; 
•'13rien — call 
)om — here  I  v-'^ 
38  noise,  sir, 
said  Dennis, 
are  sued  by 
ging;  what 
it  hear  what 

a  pig?  says 

I  found  out, 
say  nothing, 
f;  but  tak- 
the  defence 
ennis,  I  de- 
justice  and 

[  shall  con- 
better  hang 

I I  this  may 
lacquers,  it 
"gain,  I  ad- 
board  1     I 

ras  like  Pat 


XHfeOVOtlBS.'i'^  H) 

Moran's  cow  it  the  end  of  it,  at  the  lifting,  bad  luck  to  him.  A  neigh>- 
hour  was  here  called,  who  proved  that  the  three  pounds  might  be  the 
usual  price.  And  do  you  know  I  taught  his  children  to  write  at  the 
school  ?  asked  Dennis.  You  might,  answered  the  witness.  And  what  is 
that  worth  ?  I  don't  know.  You  don't  know  !  faith,  I  believe  you're 
right,  said  Dennis,  for  if  the  children  are  half  as  big  rogues  as  the  father, 
they  might  leave  writing  alone,  or  they'd  he  like  to  be  hanged  for  forgery% 
Here  Dennis  produced  his  account  for  teaching  five  children,  two  quarters, 
at9«.  a  quarter  each,  4Z.  10s.  lamsorry,  Mr.  O'Brien,  said  the  justice,  very 
sorry,  but  your  defence  will  not  avail  you,  yocr  account  is  too  largo  for 
one  justice  -,  any  sum  over  three  pounds  must  be  sued  before  two  magis- 
trates. But  I  only  want  to  ofl'sct  as  much  as  will  pay  tho  board.  It 
can't  be  done  in  this  shape,  said  the  magistrate ;  I  will  consult  Justice 
Dooliltle,  my  neighbour ;  and  if  Mr.  Hare  won't  settle  with  you,  I  will 
sue  it  for  you.  Well,  said  Dennis,  all  I  have  to  say  is,  that  there  is  not 
so  big  a  rogue  as  Hare  on  the  whole  river,  save  and  except  one  scoundrel, 
who  shall  be  nameless,  making  a  significant  and  humble  bow  to  the  jus- 
tice. Here  there  was  a  general  laugh  throughout  the  court.  Dennis 
retired  to  the  next  room  to  indemnify  himself  by  another  glass  of  grogi, 
and  venting  his  abuse  against  Hare  and  the  magistrate.  Disgusted  at 
the  gross  partiality  of  the  justice,  I  also  quitted  the  court,  fully  concur- 
ring in  the  opinion,  though  not  in  the  language,  that  Dennis  was  giving 
utterance  to  m  the  bar-room. 

Pettifog  owed  his  elevation  to  his  interest  at  an  election.  It  is  to  be 
hoped  that  his  subsequent  merits  will  be  as  promptly  rewarded,  by  his 
dismissal  from  a  bench  which  he  disgraces  and  defiles  by  his  presence. 


r>.  .  b0-i-:.- 


CHAPTER  VI. 
ANECDOTES. 


>5ic 


As  we  mounted  our  'aorses  to  proceed  to  Amherst,  groups  of  coun'tfjr 
people  we|e  to  be  seeki  standing  about  Pugnose'e  inn,  talking  over  the 
events  of  the  morning,  while  others  wef«  dispersing  to  their  several 
homes.  A  pretty  prime  superfine  scoundrel,  that  Pettifog,  said  the  Clock- 
maker  ;  he  and  his  constable  are  well  mated,  and  they've  travelled  in 
the  same  gear  so  long  together-,  that  they  make  about  as  nice  a  yoke  of 
rascals  as  you'll  meet  in  a  day's  ride.  They  pull  together  like  one  rope 
reeved  through  two  blocks.  That  are  constable  was  e'en  almost  stran- 
gled t'other  day  ;  and  if  he  badn'^t  had  a  little  grain  more  wit  than  his 
master,  I  guess  he'd  had  his  windpipe  stopped  as  tight  as  a  bladder. 
There  is  an  outlaw  of  a  fetler  here,  for  all  the  world  like  one  of  our  KeiH 
tucky  squatters,  one  Bill  Smith— a  critter  that  neither  fears  man  nor  de- 
vil. Sheriff  and  constable  can't  make  no  hand  of  him  ;  they  can't  catch 
him  no  how ;  and  if  they  do  come  up  with  him,  he  slips  through  their 
fingers  like  an  eel;  and  then,  he  goes  armed,  and  he  can  knock  the  eye 
out  of  a  squirrel  with  a  ball  at  fifty  yards  hand  running ;  a  regular  ugly 
customer.  Well,  Nabb,  the  constable,  had  a  writ  agin  him,  and  he  was 
ciphering  a  good  while  how  he  should  catch  him ;  at  last  he  hit  on  a 
plan  that  he.  thought  was  pretty  clever,  and  he  schemed  it  for  a  chance  to 
try  it.  So  one  day  he  heerd  that  Bill  was  up  at  Pugnose's  inn, -«  settling 
some  business,  and  was  likely  to  be  there  all  night.  Nabb  waits  till  it  was 
considerable  late  in  the  evening,  and  then  he  takes  his  horae  and  ride* 

C 


TUB  CLOOIMAKKR. 


down  to  the  inn,  and  hitches  his  beast  behind  the  hay-stack.  Then  he 
crawls  up  to  the  window  and  peeps  i:i,  and  watches  there  till  Bill  should 
go  to  bed,  thinking  the  bpst  way  to  catch  them  are  sort  of  animals  is  to 
catch  them  asleep.  Well,  he  kept  Nnbb  a  waiting  outside  so  long,  with 
his  talking  and  singing,  that  he  well  nigh  fell  asleep  first  himself;  at  last 
Bill  began  to  strip  for  bed.  First,  he  takes  out  a  long  pocket  pistol, 
examines  the  primmg,  and  lays  it  down  on  the  table,  near  the  head  of 
the  bed. 

When  Nabb  sees  this,  he  begins  to  creep  like  all  over,  and  feel  kinder 
ugly,  and  rather  sick  of  his  job ;  but  when  he  seed  him  jump  into  bed, 
and  heerd  him  snore  out  a  noi.se  like  a  man  driving  pigs  to  market,  he 
plucked  up   courage,  and  thought  he  might  do  it  easy  arter  all  if  he  was 
to  open  the  door  softly,  and  make  one  spring  on  him  afore  he  could  wake. 
So  round  he  goes,  lifts  up  the  latch  of  his  dour  as  soft  as  soap,  and  makes 
»  jump  right  atop  of  him,  as  he  lay  on  the  bed.     I  guess  I  got  you  this 
time,  says  Nabb ;  I  guess  so  too,  said  Bill,  but  I  wish  you  wouldn't  lay 
so  plaguy  heavy  on  me — jist  turn  over,  that's  a  good  fellow,  will  you  1 
With  that  Bill  lays  his  arm  on  him  to  raise  him  up,  for  he  said  he  was 
squeezed  as  flat  as  a  pancake,  and  afore  Nabb  knew  where  ho  was,  Bill 
rolled  him  right  over  and  was  atop  of  him.     Then  he  seized  him  by  the 
throat,  and  twisted  his  pipe  till  his  eyes  were  as  big  as  saucers,  and  his 
tongue  grew  six  inches  longer,  while  he  kept  making  faces  for  all  the  world 
Ukc  the  pirate  that  was  hanged  on  Monument  Hill  at  Boston.     It  was  pret- 
ty near  over  with  him,  when  Nabb  thought  of  his  spurs  ;  so  he  just  curl- 
ed up  both  heels,  and  drove  the  spurs  right  into  him  ;  he  let  him  have  it 
jist  below  his  crupper ;  as  Bill  was  naked  he  had  a  fair  chance,  and  he 
ragged  him  like  the  lea  f  of  a  book  cut  open  with  your  finger.     At  last,  Bill 
could  stand  it  no  longer  ;  he  let  go  his  hold  and  roared  like  a  bull,  and 
clapping  both  hands  ahind  him,  he  out  of  the  door  like  a  shot.     If  it  hadn't 
been  for  them  are  spurs,  I  guess  Bill  would  have  saved  the  hangman  a  job 
of  Nabb  that  time. 

The  Clockmaker  was  an  observing  man,  and  equally  communicative. 
Nolhing'escaped  his  notice  ;  he  knew  everybody's  genealogy,  history,  and 
means,  and  like  a  driver  of  an  English   stage-coach,  was  not  unwilling 
to  impart  what  he  knew.     Do  you  see  that  snug  looking  house  there,  said 
he,  with  a  short  sarce  garden  afore  it  ?   that  belongs  to  Elder  Thomson. 
The  eUer  is  pretty  close  fisted,  and  holds  special  fast  to  all  he  gets.     Ho 
is  a  just  man  and  very  pious,  but  I  have  observed  when  a  man  becomes 
near  about  too  good,  ho  is  apt,  sometimes,  to  slip  ahead  into  avarice,  un- 
less he  looks  sharp  arter  his  girths.     A  friend  of  mine  in  Connecticut, 
an  old  sea  captain,  who  was  once  let  in  for  it  pretty  deep,  by  a  man  with 
a  broader  brim  than  c\;mmon,  said  to  me,  **  friend  Sam,"  says  he,  "  I  don't 
like  those  folks  who  are  too  d — n  good."     There  is,  I  expect,  some  truth 
in  it,  tho'  he  needn't  have  swore  at  all,  but  he  was  an  awful  hand  to 
swear.     Howsomever  that  may  be,  there  is  a  story  about  the  elder,  that's 
not  so  coarse  neither.     It  appears,  an  old  minister  came  there  once,  to 
hold  a  meetin  at  his  house-— well,  after,  meetin  was  over,  the  elder  took 
the  minister  all  over  his  farm,  which  is  pretty  tidy,  I  tell  you  ;  and  show- 
ed him  a  great  ox  he  had,  and  a  swingeing  big  pig,  that  weighed  some 
six  or  seven  hundred  weight,  that  he  was  plaguy  proud  of,  but  he  never 
offered  the  old  mmister  anything  to  eat  or  drink.     The  preacher  was  pret- 
ty tired  of  all  this,  and  seeing  no  prospect  of  being  asked  to  partake  with 
the  family,  and  tolerably  sharp  set,  he  asked  one  of  the  boys  to  fetch  him 
(lis  horse  out  of  the  bnrn.     When  he  was  taking  leave  of  the  elder,  (there 


I 


•k.  Then  he 
ill  Bill  should 
animals  is  to 
so  long,  with 
nself ;  at  last 
pocket  pistol, 
r  the  head  of 

id  feel  kinder 

imp  into  bed, 

to  market,  he 

all  if  he  was 

i  could  wake. 

p,  and  makes 

got  you  this 

wouldn't  lay 

w,  will  you  ? 

said  he  was 

he  was,  Bill 

d  him  by  the 

icers,  and  his 

all  the  world 

It  was  pret- 

hc  just  curl- 

him  have  it 

»nce,  and  he 

At  last,  Bill 

e  a  bull,  and 

If  it  hadn't 

ingman  a  job 

imunicative. 

history,  and 

ot  unwilling 

'"  there,  said 

Thomson. 

gfits.  He 
in  becomes 
avarice,  un- 
onnecticut, 
a  man  with 
he, '« I  don't 
some  truth 
hand  to 
ilder,  that's 
re  once,  to 

elder  took 
and  show* 
ghcd  some 
It  he  never 
r  was  pret- 
rtake  with 
>  fetch  him 
der,  (there 


u 


aa  AUBAD.  S7 

vrere  several  folks  by  at  the  time,)  says  he,  Elder  Thomson,  you  have  a  fine 
farm  here,  a  very  fine  farm  indeed*;  you  have  a  large  ox  too,  a  very  large 
ox  ;  and  I  thirik,  said  he,  I've  seen  to-day  (turning  and  looking  him  full 
in  the  face,  for  he  intended  to  hit  him  pretty  hard,}  /  think  I  have  seen  to- 
day the  greatest  hog  I  ever  saw  in  my  life.  The  neighbours  snickered  • 
good  deal,  and  the  elder  felt  pretty  streaked.  I  guess  he'd  give  hii 
great  pig  or  his  great  ox  either,  if  that  story  hadn't  got  wind. 


CHAPTER  VII.  -.  ,„ 

GO  AHEAD. 

When  we  resumed  our  conversation,  the  Clockmaker  said,  "  leuesi 
we  are  the  greatest  nation  on  the  face  of  the  airth,  and  the  most  enfight- 
ened  too."  Thtji  was  rather  too  arrogant  to  pass  unnoticed,  and  I  was 
about  replying,  that  whatever  doubts  there  mignt  be  on  that  subject,  there 
could  be  none  whatever  that  they  were  the  most  modest ;  when  he  con- 
tinued, we  go  "ahead,"  the  Nova  Scotians  go  "astarn."  Our  ships  ^o 
ahead  of  the  ships  of  other  folks,  our  steamboats  beat  the  British  in 
speed,  and  so  do  our  stage-coaches;  and  I  reckon  a  real  right  down  New 
York  trotter  might  stump  the  univarse  for  going  ''ahead."  But  since 
we  introduced  the  railroads,  if  we  don't  go  "  anead"  it's  a  pity.  We 
never  fairly  knew  what  going  the  whole  hog  was  till  then ;  we  actilly  went 
«head  of  ourselves,  and  that's  no  easy  matter,  I  tell  you.  If  they  only 
had  edication  here,  they  might  learn  to  do  so  too,  but  they  don't  know 
nothin.  You  undervalue  them,  said  I,  they  have  their  college  and  acade- 
mies, ihm  grammar-schools  and  primary  institutions,  and  I  believe 
there  are  taw  among  them  who  cannot  read  and  write. 

I  guess  all  that's  nothin,  said  he.  As  for  Latin  and  Greek,  we  don't 
valy  it  a  cent ;  we  teach  it,  and  so  we  do  painting  and  music,  because 
the  English  do,  and  we  like  to  go  ahead  on  'em,  even  in  them  are  things. 
As  for  reading,  it's  well  enough  for  them  that  has  nothing  to  (}q,  and 
writing  is  plaguy  apt  to  bring  a  man  to  states-prison,  particularly  if  he 
writes  hi»  name  so  like  another  man  as  to  have  it  mistaken  for  his'n. 
Ciphering  is  the  thing — if  a  man  knows  how  to  cipher,  he  is  sure  to 
grow  rich.     We  are  a  '*  calculating"  people,  we  all  cipher. 

A  horse  that  won't  go  ahead  is  apt  to  run  back,  and  the  more  yoa 
whip  him  the  faster  he  goes  astarn.  That's  jist  the  way  with  the  Nova 
Scotians ;  they  have  been  running  back  so  fast  lately,  that  they  have 
tumbled  over  a  bank  or  two,  and  nearly  broke  their  necks ;  and  now 
they've  got  up  and  shook  themselves,  they  swear  their  dirty  clothes  and 
bloody  noses  are  all  owing  to  the  banks.  I  guess  if  they  won't  lookahead 
for  the  future,  they'll  lam  to  look  behind,  and  see  if  there's  a  bank  oeai 
hand  'em. 

A  bear  always  goes  down  a  tiee  stam  foremost.  He  is  a  cunninjg; 
critter,  he  knows  it  aint  safe  to  carry  a  heavy  load  over  his  head,  and  hie 
rump  is  so  heavy,  he  don't  like  to  trust  it  over  his'n,  for  fear  it  might  take 
a  lurch,  and  carry  him  heels  over  head,  to  the  ground  ;  so  he  lets  his  stam 
down  first,  and  his  head  arter.  I  wish  the  blue-noses  would  find  as  good 
an  excuse  in  theii  rumps  for  running  backwards  as  he  has.  But  the  bear 
'* ciphers;"  he  knows  how  many  pounds  his  hams  weigh,  and  he 
"calculates"  if  be  carried  them  up  in  the  air,  they  might  be  topi  heavy  for 
bim. 
If  we  had  this  province  we'd  go  to  work  and  "  cipher"  right  off,     Hali< 


A 


f! 


iM 


li'' 


1 


ff  TRI  CLOCKMAKKR. 

hx  is  nothing  without  a  river  or  back  country  ;  add  nothing  to  nsthinf , 
•od  I  guest  you  have  nothing  still— add  a  railroad  to  the  Bay  of  Fundy, 
and  how  much  do  you  get  1  That  requires  ciphering — it  will  cost  8300, 
000,  or  i;75,O00  your  money — add  for  notions  omitted  in  the  addition 
column,  one-third,  and  it  makes  even  money — ;£  100,000.     Interest  at  & 

r)r  cent.  ^6000  a  year.     Now  turn  over  the  slate  and  count  up  freight — 
make  it  upward  of  .£35,000  a  year.     If  I  had  you  at  the  desk,  I'd  show 
you  a  bill  of  items. 

Now  comes  "subtraction  ;"  deduct  cost  of  engines,  wear  and  tear,  and 
expenses,  and  what  net,  and  reduce  it  for  shortness  down  to  £5000  a 
rear.  The  amount  of  interest.  What  figures  have  you  got  now  1  you 
have  an  investment  that  pays  interest,  I  guess,  and  if  it  don't  pay  more, 
then  I  don't  know  chalk  from  cheese.  But  suppose  it  don't,  and  that  it 
only  yields  2  1-2  per  cent.,  (and  it  requires  good  ciphering,  I  tell  you, 
to  say  how  it  would  act  with  folks  that  like  gomg  astarn  better  than  going 
ahead,)  what  would  them  are  wise  ones  say  then  1  Why^  the  ccitter» 
would'  say  it  won't  pay  ;  but  I  say  the  sum  aint  half  stated.  Chn  you 
count  in  your  headi  Net  to  any  extent,  said  I.  Well,  that's  an  etarnal 
pity,,  said  the  Clockmaker,  for  I  should  like  to  show  you  Yankee  ciphering. 
What  is  the  entire  real  estate  of  Halifax  worth,  at  a  valeation  1  I  really 
cannot  say.  Ah,  said  he,  I  see  you  don't  cipher,  and  Latin  and  Greek 
won't  do  ;  them  are  people  had  no  railroads.  Well,  find  out,  and  then 
only  add  ten  per  cent,  to  it,  for  increased  value,  and  if  it  don't  give  the  cost 
of  a  railroad,,  then,  toy  name  ia  not  Sam  Slick.     Well,  the  land  between 

Halifax  and  Ardoisc  is  worth nothin,  add  6  per  cent,  to  that,  and  8<r?nd 

the  sum  to  the  college,  and  ax  the  students  how  much  incomes  to.  But 
when  you  get  into  Hants  county,  I  guess  you  have  land  worth  coming  all 
the  way  from  Boston  to  see.  His  royal  highness  the  king,  I  guess,, 
hasn't  cot  the  like  in  his  dominions.  Well',,  add  l^S  per  ceni.  to  all  them 
are  lands  that  border  on  Windsor  Basin,  add  five  pes  cent,  to- what  butt» 
on  Basin  of  Mines,  and  then,  wiiat  do  you.  get?  A  pretty  considerablt 
•um  Ptell  you — but  it'6  no  use  to  give  you  the  chalks,  if  you  can't  keep' 
the  tallie*.  Now  we  will  lay  down  the  schoolmaster's  assistant,  and  take 
up  another  book  every  bit  and  grain  as  good  as  that,  although  these  folks 
anect  to  sneer  «t  it — I  mean  human  natur  Ah  \  sa>d_  I,  a  knowledge 
of  that  was  of  great  service  to  you,  certainly,  in  the  sale'  of  your  elock  ta 
the  old  deacon  ;.  let  us  see  how  it  will  assist  you  now.  What  does  a 
clock  want  that's  run  down  T  said  he.  Undoubtedly  to  be  wound  up,  I 
replied  ;  I  guess  you've  hit  it  this  time.  The  folks  of  Halifax  have  tui> 
down,  and  they'll  never  go  to  all  etarnity,  till  they  are  wound  up  into 
motion  ;  the  works  are  all  good,  and  it  is  plaguy  well*  eased  and  set — it 
only  wants  a  key.  Put  this  railsoad'  into  operation,  and  the  activity  it 
wiU  inspire  into,  businetis,  the  new  life  it  will  give  the  place,  will  surprise 
you.  h's  hke  lifting  a  child  off  its  crawling,  and  putting  him  on  his  legs 
to  run — see  how  the  little  critter  goes  ahead  arter  that.  A  kurnel,  (I 
don't  mean  a  kurnel  of  militia,  for  we  don't  valy  that  breed  o'  cattle  no., 
thing — they  do  nothing  but  strut  about  and  screech  all  day,  like  peacocks,) 
but  a  kurnel  of  grain,  when  sowed,  will  stool  into  several  shoots,  and  each 
shoot  bear  many  kurnels,  and  will  multiply  itself  thus>—4  times  1  is  4, 
and  4  tiines  25  is  a  hundred,  (you  see  all  natur  ciphers,  except  the  blue- 
noses.),  Jjst  so,  this  here- railroad  will  not  perhaps  beget  other  railroads, 
but  it  will  beget  a  spirit  of  enterprise,  that  will  beget  other  useful  im- 
provements. It  will  enlarge  the  sphere  and  the  means  of  trade,  open, 
new  sources  of  traffic  and  supply — develope  resources — and  what  ia  oS 


eoun/l 


ng  to  nathinf  ^ 
Bay  of  Fundy, 
rill  cost  8300, 
I  the  addition 
Interest  at  & 
t  up  freight — 
esk,  I'd  show 

and  tear,  and 
1  to  £5000  ii 
)t  now  1  you 
I't  pay  more, 
t,  and  that  it 
'„  I  tell  you, 
r  than  going 
-  the  ccitter» 
I.     dm  you 
's  nn  eta  ma  I 
'e  ciphering. 
D0 1  I  really 
I  and  Greek 
It,  and  then 
^ive  the  cost 
nd  betweeiii 
It,  and  st^nd 
es  to.     ]^t 
coming  all 
igf  I  gueas,. 

0  all  them 
what  butt» 
insiderabl* 
can't  keep' 
t,  and  take 
hese  folks 
(nowIedgjB. 
ir  clock  to 
lat  does  a 
)und  up,  I 

have  tui> 
d  up  into 
h1  set — it 
ictivity  it 

1  surprise 
1  his  legs 
turnel,  (I 
attle  no. 
Jacocks,) 
and  each 
3  1  is  4, 
he  blue- 
ailroads, 
leful  im- 
Je,  opeu, 
hat  ii<tf 


TRB  PBBIOHBB  THAT  WANDIBBD  VIOM  HIS  TEXT. 


t» 


more  value  perhaps  than  all — beget  motion.  It  will  teach  the  folks  thaV 
go  astarn  or  stand  stock  still,  like  the  state-house  in  Boston,  (though 
they  do  say  the  foundation  has  moved  a  little  this  summer,)  not  only  to 
go  "  ahead,"  but  to  nullify  lime  and  space. 

Here  his  horse,  (who,  feeling  the  animation  of  his  master,  had  been  res- 
tiff  of  late,)  set  off  at  a  most  prodi|(ious  rate  of  trotting.     It  was  some 
time  before  he  was  reined  up      When  I  overtook  him  ,  the  Clockmaker 
said,  '*  this  old  Yankee    horse,  you   see,  understands  our  word   *  go 
ahead'  better  nor  these  blue-noses." 

What  ia  if,  he  continued,  what  is  it  that  fetters  the  heels  of  a  young 
country,  and  hangs  like  'a  poke'  around  its  neck  1  what  retards  the  cultiva- 
tion of  its  soilf  and  the  improvement  of  its  fisheries  J — the  high  price  of  la- 
iour,  I  guess.  Well,  what's  a  railroad  ?  The  substitution  of  mechani' 
ral  for  human  and  animal  labour,  on  a  scale  as  grand  as  our  great  coun- 
try.  Labour  is  dear  in  America,  and  cheap  in  Europe.  A  railroad, 
therefore,  is  comparatively  no  manner  of  use  to  them,  to  what  it  is  to  us— 
it  does  wonders  there,  but  it  works  miracles  here.  There  it  makes  the  old 
man  younger,  hut  here  it  makes  a  child  a  giant.  To  us  it  is  river,  bridge, 
road,  and  canal,  all  one.  It  saves  what  we  havenU  got  to  spare,  men,  horset, 
carts,  vessels,  barges,  and  what's  all  in  all — time. 

Since  the  creation  of  the  univarse,  I  guess  it's  the  greatest  invention, 
arter  man.  Now  this  is  what  I  call "  ciphering"  arter  human  natur,  while 
figures  are  ciphering  arter  "  the  assistant."  These  two  sorts  of  cipher- 
ing make  idecation — and  you  may  depend  on't,  squire,  there  is  nothing 
like  folks  ciphering,  if  they  want  to  "go  ahead." 


t      —    ffiW 


'■ff 


CHAPTER  VIII.    .)  ^rii 


^•.  •■    .'!  l^^  ^u 

THE  PREACHER  THAT  WANDERED  FROM  HIS  TEXT.  ^^ 

I  ouBss,  said  the  Clockmaker,  we  know  more  of  Nova  Scotia  than  the 
blue-noses  themselves  do.  The  Yankees  see  farther  ahead  than  most 
folks ;  they  can  een  a  most  see  round  t'other  side  of  a  thing ;  indeed 
some  on  them  have  hurt  their  eyes  by  it,  and  sometimes  I  think  that'i 
the  reason  such  sight  of  them  wear  spectacles.  The  first  I  ever  heerd 
tell  of  Cumberland  was  from  Mr.  Everett  of  congress ;  he  know'd  as 
much  about  it  as  if  he  had  lived  here  all  his  days,  and  may  be  a  little  grain 
more.  He  is  a  splendid  man  that — we  class  him  No.  1,  letter  A.  One 
night  I  chanced  to  go  into  General  Peep's  tavern  at  JSoston,  and  who 
should  I  see  there  but  the  great  Mr.  EVerett,  a  studying  over  a  map  of  th« 
province  of  Nova  Scotia.  Why,  it  aint  possible  !  said  I — if  that  aint 
Professor  Everett,  as  I  am  alive  !  why,  how  do  you  do  professor  1  Pretty 
well,  I  give  you  thanks,  said  he ;  how  be  you  1  but  I  aint  no  longer  pro- 
fessor; I  gin  that  up,  and  also  the  trade  of  preaching,  and  took  up  poUi- 
tics.  You  don't  say  so,  said  I ;  why,  what  on  airth  is  the  cause  o'  thati 
Why,  says  he,  look  here,  Mr.  Slick.  What  is  the  use  of  reading  the 
Proverbs  of  Solomon  to  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens,  that  are  every 
mite  and  mortal  as  wise  as  he  was  1  That  are  man  undertook  to  say 
there  was  nothing  new  under  the  sun.  I  guess  he'd  think  he  spoke  a  lit- 
tle too  fast,  if  he  was  to  see  our  steamboats,  railroads,  and  India  rubber 
shoes — three  inventions  worth  more  nor  all  he  knew  put  in  a  heap  toge- 
ther. Well,  I  don't  know,  said  I,  but  somehow  or  another,  I  guess  you'd 
have  found  preaching  the  best  speculation  in  the  long  run ;  them  are  Uui- 

ca 


39 


THK  CLOCKMAna'. 


% 


Urians  pay  better  than  Uncle  Sam   (we  call,  said  the  Clockmaker,  ihtr 
American  public  Uncle  Sam,  as  you  calllho  Dritith  John  Dull  ) 

That  remark  aeemed  to  grig  him  a  little  ;  he  felt  oneasy  like,  and 
walked  twice  across  the  room,  fifty  fathoms  deep  in  thought ;  at  Ust  he 
said,  which  way  are  you  from,  Mr.  Slick,  this  hiioh  1  Why,  says  I,  I've' 
been  away  «p  60ulh<  a  speculating  in  nutmegs.  I  hope,  says  the  profbs^ 
■or,  they  were  a  good  article,  the  real  right  down  genuine  thing. — No 
UMfltaite,  says  I, — no  mistake,  professor  ^  they  wore  all  prime,  first  chop, 
but  why  did  you  ax  that  are  question  V-  Why,  says  he,  that  eternak 
scoundrel,  that  Captain  John  Allspice,  of  Nahant,  lie  used  to  trade  to- 
Charleston,  and  he  carried  a  cargo  once  there  of  tifiy  barrels  of  nutmegs  :. 
well,  he  put  half  s  bushel  of  good  one»  into  each  eend  of  the  barreii 
and  the  rest  he  filled  up- with- wooden  ones,  so  like  the  real  thing  that  no' 
living  souLeo4ild<  teU  the  difference  until  he  bit  one  wtth  hts  teeth,  and  that 
he  nevcB  thouglit  of  doing,  until  he  was  first  bit  himself.  Well,  it's  beoo 
a  standing  joke  with  them  southerners  agin  us  ever  since. 

It  wa«  only  t'other  day  at  Washington  that  everlasting  Virginy  duelliair, 
General  Cufly,  afore  a  number  of  senators^  at  the  President's  house,  said 
tome,  Well,  Everett,  says  he — you  know  I  was  always  dead  agin  yourTarilS 
bill,  but  I  have  changed  my  mind  since  your  able  speech  on  it ;  I  shall  vote 
for  it  now.  Give  me  your  hand,  says  I,  General  Cuffy  :  the  Boston  folks 
will  be  dreadful  glad  when  they  hear  your  splendid  talents  are  on  our  side 
—I  think  it  will  go-  now — we'll  carry  it.  Yes,  says-  he,  your  factaries' 
down  east  beat  all  natur ;  they  go  ahead  ont  the  English  a  long  chaik. 
You  may  depend!  was  glad  tohear  the  New-Englanders  spoken  of  in  thaH 
way. — I  felt  proud  I  tell  you — and,  says  he,  there's  one  manufacture  that 
might  stump  all  Europe  to  produce  the  like.  What's  that]  says  I,  look- 
ing as  pleased  all  the  time  as  a  gal  that's  tickled.  Why,  says  he,  the 
facture  of  wooden,  nutmegs-;  that's  a  cap-ahsaf  that  bangs  the  bush — it's 
» real  Yankee  patent  invention.  With  that  all  the  gentleman  set  upai 
laugh  that  you  might  have  heerd  away  down  to  Sandy  Hook— >and  the- 
general  gig  gobbled  like  a  great  turkey  cock,  the  half  nigger,  half  alliga- 
tor like  leeking  -villain  as  he  is.  I  tell  you  what,  Mr.  Slick,  said  the  pro- 
fessor, 1  wish  with  all  my  heart  them  are  damned  nutmegs  were  in  the 
bottom  of  the  sea.  That  was  the  first  oath  I  ever  heerd  him  let  slip*: 
but  he  was  dreadful  ryled,.  andi  it  made  me  feel  ugly  too,  for  its  awfuf 
to  hear  a  minister  swear :  and  the  only  match  I  know  for  it,  is  to  hear  a 
regular  sneezer  of  a  sinner  quote  scripture.  Says  I,  Mr.  Everett.,  that's 
the  fruit  that  politics  bear  ;  for  my  part  I  never  seed  a  good  graft  ua  it 
yet,  that  bore  anything  good  tO'  eat,  or  easy  to  digest. 

Well,  he  stood  awhile  looking  down  on  the  carpet,  with  his  hand's  be>- 
hind  him,  quite  taken  up  a  ciphering  in  his  head,  and  then  be  straight- 
ened himself  up,  and  he  jmU  his  hand  upon  his  heart,  just  as  he  used  to 
do  in  the  pulpit,  (he  looked  pretty  I  tell  you,>  and  slowly,  lifting  his  haadj^ 
off  his  breast,  he  said,  Mr.  Slick,,  our  tree  of  liberty  was  a  beautiful 
tree — a  splendid  tree — it  was- a  sight  to  look  at ;  it  was  well  fenced  and 
well  protected^  and  it  grew  so  stalely  and  so  handsome,  that  strangers 
came  from  all  parts  of  the  globe-  to*  see  it.  They  all  allowed  it  was  the 
most  splendid  thing  in  the  world.  Well,  the  mobs  have  broken  in  and* 
tore  tlown  their  fences,  and  snapped  off  the  branches,  and  scattered  all  the 
leaves  about,  and  it  looks  no  better  than  a  gallows  tree.  I  am  afeard* 
■aid  he,  I  tremble  to  think  on  it,  but  I  am  afeard  our  ways  will  no  longer 
be  the  ways  of  pleasantness,  nor  oat  paths  paths  of  peace  ;.  I  am,  indeed* 


i 


Ttn  PUBACIISR  THAT  WANDKBEO,  rBOV  HIS  TEXT. 


ffl 


ockmaker,  th«r 
iull) 

easy  like,  and 
ht  ;  at  Idst  he 
ly,  says  I,  I've 
ys  ihe  proflBsi 
le  thing. — No 
ne,  first  choj*, 
,  that,  eternal 
(1  to  trade  to- 
B  of  nutmegs  :. 
of  the  barreli 
I  thing  that  no- 
teeth,  and  that 
Veil,  it's  been 

rginy  duf  iliiiir, 
's  house,  said 
jrinyourTariiS 
;  I  shall  vote 
Boston  folks 
re  on  our  side 
jTOur  fHcteric» 
K  long  chaik. 
ken  of  b  that 
lufacttire  that 
says  I,  look- 
says  he,  the 
ke  bush — it's 
i»n  set  up^ 
lok — and  the 
r,  half  alliga- 
said  the  pro* 
were  in  the 
lim  let  8]ip<£ 
or  its  awful* 
is  to  hear  a 
erettj  that's 
graft  oa  it 


he  used  to 
ng  his  haml 
a  beautiful 
fenced  and 

strangers 
it  was  the 
•ken  in  and 
Bred  all  tlie 
atn  afeard^ 

no  longer 
m,  indeed. 


f  vow,  Mr.  Slick.     He  looked  so  streaked  and  so  chop-fallen,  that  I  fel# 
kinder  sorry  fur  him  ;  I  actilly  thought  he'd  a  boo-hooid  right  out. 

So  to  turn  the  conversation,  says  I,  professor,  what  great  map  is  that  are 
i  scoii  you  a  studyin'  over  when  I  came  in  ?  Says  he  it's  a  map  of  Mova 
Scotiii.  That,  says  he,  is  a  valuable  province  ,a  real  clever  province  ;  we- 
haven't  pot  the  like  on  it,  but  it's  must  plagily  in  our  way.  Well,  says  I,. 
send  for  Sam  Patch  (that  are  man  was  a  great  diver,  says  the  Clockmaker, 
and  the  last  dive  he  took  was  otfihe  fails  of  Niagara,  and  he  was  never  heerd 
of  agin  till  t'other  day,  when  (Japtain  Enoch  Wentworih,  of  the  Susy  Ann 
whalt>r.  saw  him  in  the  South  Sta.  Why,  says  (Jnpt.  Enoch  to  him,  why. 
Sam,  says  he,  how  on  airth  did  you  get  liere  ?  I  thought  you  was  drowned 
at  the  Canadian  lines.  Why,  says  he,  1  Jidn't  get  on  airth  here  at  all,  but  1 
came  right  slap  through  it.  In  lliat  are  Niagara  dive,  I  went  so'everhstin^ 
Uepp,  I  thought  that  it  was  just  as  short  to  come  up  t'other  side,  so  out  I 
ramo  in  those  parts.  If  I  don't  take  liie  shine  olT  the  sea  Ber|>ent,  wheu 
1  get  back  to  Boston,  then  my  name's  not  Sam  Patch.)  Well,  says  I,, 
professor,  send  for  Sam  Patch,  the  diver,  and  let  him  dive  down  and 
stick  a  torpedo  in  the  bottom  of  the  province  and  Uow  it  up  ;  or  if  that 
won't  do,  send  for  some  of  our  stewm  tow-boats  from  our  great  easterik 
cities  and  tow  it  out  to  sea  ;  you  know  there's  nothing  our  folks  can't 
do,  when  they  once  fairly  take  hold  on  a  thing  in  airne8^ 

Well,  that  made  him  laugh  ;  he  seemed  to  forget  about  the  witmegs^  f 
and  says  ho,  that's  a  bright  sciicme,  but  it  won't  do;  we  shall  want  the 
province  some  day,  and  I  guess  we'll  buy  it  of  King  William ;  they  sav 
he  is  over  head  and  ears  i.i  debt,      :d  owes  nine  hundred  millions  of 
pounds  starling — we'll  buy  it  ns  we  Jid  Florida.     In  the  meantime  we  • 
must  h-dve  a  canal  from  Bay  Fundy  to  Bay  Varte,  right  through  Crnn- 
berland  neck,  by  Shittyack,  for  our   fishing  vessels  tO'  go  to  Labrador. 
I  guess  you  must  ax  leave  first,  said  I.     That's  jist  what  I  was  cipher- 
ma  at,  says  he,  when  you  came  in.     I  believe  we  won't  ax  them  at  all, 
but  jist  fnll  to  and  do  it ;  Ws  a  road  of  needcetsity.     I  once  heerd  ChieC 
Justice  Marshall  of  Baltimore  say  If  the  people's  highway  is  dnngereus^ 
a  man  may  take  down  a  fence,   and  pass  throui>h  the  fields  as  a  way 
9(  needcessity ;  and  we  shall  do  it  on  that  principle,  as  the  way  round 
by  Isle  Sable  is  dangerous.     I  wonder  the  Nova  Scotians  don't  do  it  for 
their  own  convenience.     Saiil  I,  it  wouldn't  make  a  bad  speculation  that. 
The  critters  don't  know  no  better,  said  he.     Well,  says  I,  the  St.  John's 
folks,  why  don't  they  ]  for  they  are  pretty  cute  chaps  them. 

They  remind  me,  says  the  professor,  of  Jim  Billings.  You  knew  Jim 
Billings,  didn't  you,  Mr.  Slick  1  Oh  yes,  said  I,  I  knew  him.  It  was 
ho  tiiat  made  such  a  talk  by  shipping  blankets  to  the  West  Indies.  The 
saime,.  says  he.  Wdl,  I  went  to>  see  him  the  oihe-  day  at  Mrs.  Lecain'^ 
boarding  house,  and  eays  I,  Billings,  you  have  a  nice  location  here.  A 
plaguy  siuht  too  nice,  said  he.  Marm  Lecain  majtes  buch  an  eternal  touss 
about  her  carpets,  that  I  have  to  go  along  that  everlasting  long  entry,  and 
down  both  staircases,  to  the  street  door  to  spit ;  and  it  keeps  all  the 
gentlemen  a  running  with  their  mouths  full  all  day.  I  had  a  real  bout 
with  a  New  Yorker  this  inOTning,  I  tan  dow»  t»  the  street  door,  and 
afore  I  seed  any  body  a  coining,  I  let  go,  and  I  vow  if  I  didr't  let  a  cl  ap. 
have  it  all  over  his  white  waistcoat.  Well,  ho  makes  a  gr^  at  me,  and 
I  shuts  the  door  rigtii  to  on  his  wrist,  and  hooks  the  door  ci  in  taught, 
and  leaves  lijm,  there,  and  into  Marm  Lecain's  bed-room  lik  a  shot,  and 
bides  behind  the  curtain.  Well,  he  roared  like  a  bull,  till  black  Lucre- 
tia,  oae  oi.'  the  house  helps,  let  him  go^and  they  ipokpd^into.aU  the  gear- 


M 


Tnt:  clockmakbk. 


tieincn's  rooms  and  found  nobody — so  T  got  out  of  that  are  scrape.  So, 
what  with  Marm  Lecain's  carpets  in  the  house,  and  other  folks's  \«.;ist- 
coats  in  the  street,  its  too  nice  a  location  for  me,  I  guess,  so  I  shall  up 
killoch  and  off  to-morrow  to  the  7Vccmont. 

Now,  says  the  professor,  the  St.  John's  folks  are  yst  like  Billings, 
fifty  cents  would  have  bought  him  a  spit  box,  and  saved  him  all  them  are 
journeys  to  the  street  door — and  a  canal  at  Bay  Varte  would  save  the 
St.  John's  folks  a  voyage  all  round  Nova  Scotia.  Why,  they  can't  get 
at  thrir  own  backside  settlements,  without  a  voyage  most  as  long  as  one 
to  Europe.  If  we  had  that  arc  neck  of  land  in  Cumberland,  we'd  have  a 
ship  canal  there,  and  a  town  at  each  ecnd  of  it  as  big  a^  Portland.  You 
may  talk  of  Solomon,  said  the  professor,  but  if  Solomon  in  all  his  glory 
was  not  arrayed  like  a  lily  of  the  field,  neither  was  he  in  all  his  wisdom 
equal  in  knowledge  to  a  real  free  American  citizen.  Well,  said  I,  pro- 
fossor,  we  are  a  most  enlightened  people,  that's  sartin,  but  somehow  I 
don't  like  to  hear  you  run  down  King  Solomon  neither  ;  perhaps  he 
warn't  quite  so  wise  as  Uncle  Sam,  but  then,  said  I,  (drawing  close  to 
the  professor,  and  whisperin<;  in  his  ear,  for  fear  any  folks  in  the  bar-.'oom 
might  hear  me,)  but  then,  said  I,  may  be  he  was  every  bit  and  grpin  li.^ 
honest.  Says  he,  Mr.  Slick,  there  are  some  folks  who  think  a  guod  deal 
and  say  but  little,  and  they  are  wise  folks ;  and  there  are  others  >>ginr 
who  blart  right  out  whatever  comes  uppermost,  and  I  guess  they  are 
pretty  considerable  superfine  darned  fools. 

And  with  that  he  turned  right  round,  and  sat  down  to  his  map,  and 
never  said  another  word,  lookin  as  mad  as  a  hatter  the  whole  blessed 
time. 


I 


CHAPTER  IX. 

YANKEE  EATING  AND  HORSE  FEEDING. 

Did  you  ever  heer  tell  of  Abcrnethy,  a  British  doctor  1  said  the  Clock- 
maker.  Frequently,  said  I,  he  was  an  eminent  man,  and  had  a  most  ex- 
tensive practice.  Well,  I  reckon  he  was  a  vulgar  critter  that,  he  replied, 
he  treated  the  hon'ble.  Alden  Gobble,  secretary  to  our  legation  at  London, 
dreadful  bad  once  ;  and  I  guess  if  it  had  been  me  he  had  used  that  way, 
I'd  a  fixed  his  flint  for  him,  so  that  he'd  think  twice  afore  he  d  fire  such 
another  shot  as  that  arc  again,  Td  a  made  him  make  tracks,  I  guess,  as  quick 
as  a  dog  does  a  hog  from  a  potaiu  field.  He'd  a  found  his  way  out  of 
the  hole  in  the  fence  a  plaguy  sight  quicker  than  he  came  in,  I  reckon. 
His  manner,  said  I,  was  certainly  rather  unceremonious  at  times,  but  he 
was  so  honest,  and  so  straightforward,  that  no  per^^on  was,  I  believe, 
ever  seriously  offended  at  him.  It  vas  his  way.  Then  his  way  was  so 
plaguy  rough,  continued  the  Clockmaker,  that  he'd  been  the  better,  if  it  had 
been  hammered  and  mauled  down  smoother.  I'd  a  levelled  him  as  flat 
as  a  fluunder.  Pray,  what  was  his  offence  1  said  I.  Bad  enough  you  may 
depend.  The  hon'ble.  Alden  Gobble  was  dyspeptic,  and  he  suffered  great 
oneasiness  arter  eatin,  so  he  goes  to  Aberneihy  for  advice.  What's  the 
matter  with  you  1  said  the  doctor,  jiat  that  way,  without  even  passing  the 
time  o'  day  with  him.  What's  the  matter  with  you  1  said  he.  Why, 
says  Alden,  I  presume  I  have  the  dyspepsy.  Ah !  said  he,  I  see ;  a 
Yankee  swallowed  more  dollars  and  cents  than  he  can  digest.  I  am  an 
American  citizen,  says  Alden,  with  great  dignity  ;  I  am  secretary  to  our 
legation  at  the  Court  of  St.  James.     The  devil  you  are,  said  Aberneihy ; 


1 


TANKBE  £AT1N0  AND  K0B8B  FERDTNO. 


33 


8a, 
80  I  shall  up 


e  scrape. 

■  folks's  \ 


like  Billings, 
n  all  ilif>m  are 
ould  save  the 
Ihey  can't  get 
IS  long  as  one 
I,  we'd  have  a 
ntland.     You 
n  all  his  glory 
ill  his  wisdom 
It  said  I,  pro- 
t  somehow  I 
;  perhaps  he 
ving  close  to 
the  bar-rnom 
and  grpin  a^ 
c  a  good  deal 

others  agin, 
ess  they  are 

[lis  map,  and 
'hole  blessed^ 


\  the  Clock- 
a  most  ex- 
he  replied, 
at  London, 
i  that  way, 
tl  fire  such 
(88,  as  quick 
way  out  of 
I,  I  reckon, 
nes,  but  he 
I  believe, 
vay  was  so 
:er,  if  it  had 
him  as  flat 
?h  you  may 
rered  great 
kVhat's  the 
>assing  the 
e.     Why, 
I  see ;  a 
I  am  an 
ary  to  our 
bernethy ; 


then  you'll  soon  get  rid  of  your  dyspepsy.  I  don't  see  that  inference-, 
sutd  Alden ;  it  don't  follow  from  what  you  predicate  at  all — it  aint  a 
natural  consequence,  I  gues^,  that  a  man  should  cease  to  be  ill,  because 
he  is  called  by  the  voice  of  a  free  and  enlightened  people  to  fill  an  im- 
portRnt  office  (The  truth  is,  you  could  no  more  trap  Alden  than  you 
could  an  Indian.  He  could  see  other  folks'  trail,  and  make  none  him- 
self;  he  was  a  real  diplomatist,  and  I  believe  our  diplomatists  are  all<Mv- 
ed  to  be  the  best  in  the  world.)  Br.t  I  tell  you  it  does  follow,  said  the 
doctor ;  for  in  the  company  you'll  have  to  kceji,  you'll  have  to  eat  like  a 
Christi;it).     It  was  an  everhsling  pity  Aldien  contradicted  him,  for  ho 

broke  out  like  one  ravin  mad.     I'll  be  d d,  said  he,  if  ever  I  saw  a 

Yankee  that  didn't  bolt  his  food  whole  like  a  Boa  Constrictor.  How  the 
devil  can  you  expect  to  digest  food,  that  you  neither  take  the  trouble  to 
dissect,  nor  time  to  maslicHte  1  It's  no  wonder  you  lose  your  teeth, 
for  you  never  use  them  ;  nor  your  digestion,  for  you  overload  it ;  nor 
your  saliva,  for  you  expend  it  on  the  carpets,  instead  of  your  food.  It'§ 
disgustin;^,  it'({  beastly.  Yon  Yankees  load  your  stomachs  as  a  Devon- 
shire man  docs  his  cart,  as  full  as  it  can  hold,  and  as  fast  as  he  can  pit  :h 
it  with  a  dung  fork,  and  drive  ott";  and  then'  you  complain  that  such  a 
load  of  compost  is  too  heavy  for  you.  Dyspepsy,  eh  !  infernal  guzzling, 
you  mean.  I'll  tell  you  what,  Mr.  Secretary  of  hegation,  take  half  tho 
time  ta  cat  that  you  do  to  drawl  out  your  words,  chew  your  food  half  a» 
much  as  you  do  your  filthy  tobacco,  and  you'll  be  well  in  a  month.  I 
tlon't  understand  such  language,  said  Alden,  (for  he  was  fairly  ryled,  and 
got  his  dander  up,  and  when  he  showb  clear  grit,  he  looks  wicked  ugly, 
I  tell  you,)  I  don't  understand  such  language,  sir  ;  I  came  here  to  con- 
sult you  professionally,  and  not  to  be .     Don't  unlerstand  !  said  the 

doctor,  why,  it's  plain  English  ;  but  here,  read  my  book — and  he  shoved 
a  book  into  his  hands  and  left  him  in  an  instant,  standing  alone  in  the 
middle  of  the  room.  If  the  hon'ble.  Alden  Gobble  had  gone  right  away 
and  demanded  his  passports,  and  returned  home  with  the  legation,  in 
one  of  our  first  cfass  frigates,  (I  guess  the  Engli^  would  a»  soon  see' 
pyson  as  one  o'  them  are  serpents)  to  Washington,  the  president  and  the 
people  would  have  sustained  him  in  it,  \  guess,  until  an  apology  was  of- 
fered for  the  insult  to  tho  nation.  I  guess  if  it  had  been  me,  said  Mi. 
Slick,  I'd  a  headed  him  afore  he  slipt  out  o'  the  door,  and  pinned  him  up 
agin  the  wall,  and  made  him  bolt  his  words  agin,  as  quick  as  he  throw'd 
'em  up,  for  I  never  see'd  an  Englishman  that  didn't  cut  his  words  as 
short  as  he  does  his  horse's  tail,  close  up  to  the  stump.  It  certainly  waie 
very  coarse  and  vulgar  language,  ?nd  I  think,  saiil  I,  that  your  secretary 
had  just  cause  to  be  offended  at  such  an  uiigentlemanlike  attack,  although 
he  showed  his  good  sense  in  treating  it  with  the  contempt  it  deserved. 
It  was  plaguy  lucky  for  the  doctor,  I  tell  you,  that  he  cut  his  slick  as  he  did, 
and  made  himself  scarce,  for  Alde.i  was  ar'  ugly  customer;  he'd  a  gin  him 
a  propei  ^calding — he'd  a  taken  the  brissies  off  his  hide,  as  clean  as  the 
skin  of  a  spring  sliote  of  a  pig  killed  at  Christmas.  I'he  Clockmaker 
was  evidently  excited  by  his  own  story,  and  to  indemnify  himself  for  these 
remarks  on  his  countrymen,  he  indulged  for  some  time  ridiculing  tho 
Nova  Scotians. 

Do  you  sec  that  arc  flock  of  colts,  said  he,  (as  we  passed  one  of  those 
beautiful  prairies  that  render  the  valleys  of  Nova  Scotia  .so  verdant  andi 
so  fertile,)  well,  I  guess  they  keep  too  much  of  that  are  stock.  I  heerd 
an  Indian  one  day  ax  a  tavern  keeper  for  some  rum ;  why,  Joe  Spaw- 
deeck,  said  he^  \  reckon  you  have  got  too  much  alread,^.     'I'oo  mucbi  of 


3« 


THE  OLOCKHAKER. 


H 


any  thinff,  said  Joe,  is  not  good,  but  too  much  rum  is  jist  enough.     I  guess 
these  blue-nuses  think  so  'bout  their  lioiaes,  they  are  fairly  eat  up  by 
them,  ou>.  of  house  and  home,  and  they  are  uo  good  neither.     They  beant 
good  saddle  horses,  and  they  beant  good  draft  beasts — they  are  jist 
neither  one  thin^  nor  tother.     Thoy  are  like  the  drink  of  o'jr  Cotmecticut 
folks.     At  mowmg  time  they  use  molasses  and  water,  nasty  stufi'  only  fit 
to  catch  flies — it  spiles  good  water  and  makes  bad  beer.     No  wonder  the 
folks  are  poor.     Look  at  them  are  great  dykes  ;  well,  th(;y  all  goto  feed 
horses ;  and  look  at  their  graiti  fields  on  the  upland  ;  well,  tney  are  all 
sowed  with  oats  to  feed  horses,  and  they  buy  their  bread  from  us  :  so  wo 
feed  assrs  and  they  feed  the  horses.     If  I  had  them  critters  on  that  are 
marsh,  on  a  location  of  mine,  I'd  jist  take  my  rifle  and  shoot  every  one 
on  thcin ;  the  nasty  yo  necked,  cat  hammed,  heavy  headed,  flat  eared, 
crooked  shanked,  long  legged,  narrow  chested,  good  for  nothin  brutes  ; 
they  aint  worth  their  Keep  one  winter.    I  vow,  I  wish  one  of  these  blue- 
noses,  with  his  go-lo-me«tin  clothes  on,  coal  tails  p  nned  up  behind  like 
a  leather   blind  of  a  sliay,  an  old  spur  on  one  heel    and  a  pipe  stuck 
through  his  hat  band,  mounted  on  one  of  these  limber  timbered  critters, 
that  moves  its  hind  legs  like  a  hen  scratching  gravel,  was  sot  down  in 
Broadway,  in  New  York,  for  a  sight.     Lord  !  f  think  I  hear  the  West 
Point  cadets  a  larfln  at  him.     Wlto  brought  that  are  scarecrow  out  of 
standin  corn  and  stuck  him  here  ?     I  guess  that  arc  citizen  came  from 
away  down  east  out  of  the  notch  of  the  White  Mountains.     Here  comes 
the  cholera  doctor  from  Canada — not  from  Canada,  I  guess,  neither, 
for  he  don't  look  as  if  he  hud  evtr  lecn  among  the  raptda.     If  they 
wouldn't  poke  fun  at  hitn  it's  a  pity.     If  they'd  keep  less  horses,  and  raore 
sheep,  they'd  have  food  and  clothing  too,  instead  of  buying  both.     I  vow 
I've  larfed  afore  now  till  I  have  fairly  wet  myself  a  cryin,  to  see  one  of 
these  folks  catch  a  horse  :  may  be  he  has  to  go  two  or  three  miles  of  an 
errand.     Well,  down  he  goes  on  the  dyke  with  a  bridle  in  one  hand,    nd 
an  old  tin  pan  in  another,  full  of  oats  to  catch  his  beast.     First  he  goes 
to  one  flock  of  horses,  and  then  to  another,  to  see  if  ho  can  And  his  own 
critter.     At  last  he  gets  sight  on  him,  and  goes  softly  up  to  him,  shakiii 
of  his  oats,  and  a  coaxin  him,  and  jist  as  he  goes  to  put  his  hand  upon 
him,  away  he  starts  all  head  and  tail,  and  the  rest  with  him ;  that  starts 
another  flock,  and  they  set  a  third  off,  and  at  last  every  troop  on  'em  goes, 
as  if  Old  Nick  was  arter  them,  till  they  amount  to  two  or  three  hundred 
in  a  drove.     Well,  he  chases  them  clear  across  the  Tantramer  marsh, 
seven  miles  good,  over  ditches,  creeks,  mire  holes,  and  flag  ponds,  and 
then  they  turn  and  take  a  fair  chase  for  it  back  again  seven  miles  more. 
By  this  lime,  I  pr'^sume,  they  are  all  pretty  considerably  well  tired,  and 
blue-nose,  he  goes  and  gets  up  all  the  men  folks  in  the  neighbourhood,  aid 
catches  his  beast,  as  they  do  a  moose  arter  he  is  fairly  run  down  ;  so  he 
tuns  fourteen  miles,  to  ride  two,  because  he  is  in  a  tarnation  hurry.     It's 
e'en  a  most  equal  to  oalin  soup  with  a  fork,  when  you  are  short  of  time. 
It  puts  me  in  mind  of  catching  birds  by  sprinkling  salt  on  their  tails  ;  it's 
only  one  horse  a  man  caa  ride  out  of  half  a  dozen,  aiter  all.     One  has 
no  shoes,  t'other  has  a  colt,  one  ahit  broke,  another  has  a  sore  back, 
while  a  tiflh  is  so  etarnal  cunnin,  all  Cumberland  couldn't  catch  him,  till 
winter  drives  him  up  to  the  barn  for  food. 

Most  of  them  are  dyke  marshes  have  what  they  call  "  honey  pot$^'  in 
*em  ;  that  is  a  deep  hole  all  full  of  squash,  where  you  can't  find  no  bot- 
tom. Well,  every  now  and  then,  when  a  feller  goes  to  look  for  his  horsa, 
ho  aces  hia  '.ail  a  stickin  right  ouc  an  eeiid.  from  one  of  these  honey 


or  tl 

swini 
'em 
theii^ 
Awf 
for  al 
greaj 
don'l 
wintl 
com4 
wishi 
in  til 
manji 
half  I 
SuncI 
nothi 
C. 
euto 


THB  ROAD  TO  A  WOMAn's  hEART.  oV 

pots,  and  wavin  like  a  head  of  broom  corn ;  and  aometimes  you  see  two 
or  three  tritpped  there,  eVn  a  most  smothered,  everhstin'  tired,  half 
swimmin*,  half  wadin',  like  rats  in  a  molasses  cask.  When  they  find 
'em  in  that  are  pickle,  they  go  and  get  ropes*,  and  iie  'em  tight  round 
their  necks,  and  half  hang  'em  to  make  'em  float,  and  then  haul  'em  out. 
Awful  looking  critters  they  be,  you  may  depend,  when  they  do  come  out ; 
for  all  the  world  like  half  drowned  kittens — all  slinky — slimy — with  their 
great  long  tails  glued  up  like  a  swab  of  oakum  dipped  in  tar.  If  they 
don't  look  foolish  it's  a  pity.  Well,  they  have  to  nurse  these  critters  aII 
winter,  wiih  hot  mashes,  warm  covering,  and  what  not,  and  when  spring 
comes  they  mostly  die,  and  if  they  don't  they  are  never  good  arter.  I 
vne\i  with  all  my  heart  half  the  horses  in  the  country  were  barrelled  up 
in  these  here  '*  honey  pots,"  and  then  there'd  be  near  about  one-half  too 
many  left  for  profit.  Jist  look  at  one  of  these  barn  yards  in  the  spring — 
half  a  dozen  half  starved  colls,  with  their  hair  lookin  a  thousand  ways  for 
Sunday,  and  their  coats  liangin  in  tatters,  and  half  a  dozen  good  for 
nothin  old  horses  a  crowdin  out  the  cows  and  sheep. 

C<i«  you  wonder  thai  people  who  keep  xueh  an  unprofitable  slock  cmne 
out  of  the  smitll  tend  of  the  horn  in  the  long  run  1 


CHAPTER  X. 

THE  ROAD  TO  A  WOMAN'S  HEART— THE  BROKEN  HEART. 

As  we  approached  the  Inn  at  Amherst,  the  Clockmaker  grew  uneasy. 
It's  pretty  well  on  in  the  evening,  I  guess,  said  he,  and  Marm  Pugwash  is 
as  onsartain  in  her  temper  as  a  morniri  in  April  ;  it's  all  sunshine  or  all 
clouds  with  her,  and  if  she's  in  one  of  her  tantrums,  she'll  stretch  ovt 
her  neck  and  hiss,  like  a  goose  with  a  flock  of  goslins.     I  wonder  what 
on  airth  Pugwash  was  a  thinkin  on,  when  he  signed  articles  of  part- 
nership with  that  are  woman  *,  she's  not  a  bad  lookin  piece  of  furniture 
neither,  and  it's  a  proper  pity  sich  a  clever  woman  should  carry  such 
a  stiff  upper  lip — she  reminds  me  of  our  old  minister  Joshua  Hope- 
well's apple   trees.      The  old  minister   had   an  orchard  of  most   par- 
ticular good  fruit,  for  he  was  a  great  hand  at  buddin,  graftin,  and  what 
not,  and  the  orchard  (it  was  on  the  south  side  of  the  house)  stretched 
right  up  to   the   road.      Well,   there  were  some  trees  hung  over  the 
fence,  I   never  seed  such  bearers,  the  apples  hung  in  ropes,  for  all  the 
world  like  strings  of  onions,  and  the  fruit  was  beautiful.     Nobody  touch- 
ed the  minister's  apples,  and  when  other  folks  lost  thcirn  from  the  boys, 
his'n  always  hung  there  like  bait  to  a  hook,  but  there  never  was  so  much 
■as  a  nibble  at  'em.     So  I  said  to  him  one  day,  minister,  said  I,  how  on 
airth  do  you   manage  to  keep  your  fruit  that's  so  exposed,  when  no  one 
else  can't  do  it  nohow  !     Why,  says  he,  they  arc  dreadful  pretty  fruit, 
aint  they  1     I  guess,  said  I,  there  aint  the  like  on  'em  in  all  Connecticut. 
Well,  says  he,  I'll  tell  you  the  secret,  but  you  needn't  let  on  to  no  one 
about  it.     That  are  row  next  the  fence,  I  grafted  if  myself,  I  took  great 
pains  to  get  the  right  kind,  [  sent  clean  up  to  Roxberry,  and  away  down  to 
Squaw-ncck  Creek,  (I  was  afeard  he  was  going  to  give  me  day  and  date 
for  every  graft,  being  a  terrible  long-winded  man  in  his  stories,  so,  says 
I,  I  know  that,  minister,  but  how  do  you  preserve  them  1      Why,  I  was 
agoin  to  tell  yon,  said  he,  when  you  stopped  me.     That  are  outward  row 
I  grafted  myself  with  the  choicest  kind  I  could  find,  and  I  succeeded. 
They  are  beautiful,  but  so  etarnal  sour,  no  human  soul  can  eat  them. 
Well,  the  boys  think  the  old  minister's  graften  has  all  succeeded  about 


H 


VSl%  CLOCKMAKlift. 


as  well  as  that  row,  and  they  sarch  no  farther.     They  snicker  at  my 
^aften,  and  I  laugh  in  my  sleeve,  I  guess,  at  their  penetration. 

Now,  Marm  Pugwash  is  like  the  minister's  apples,  very  temptin  fruit 
to  look  at,  but  desperate  sour.  If  Pugwash  had  a  watery  mouth  when  he 
married,  I  guest  it's  pretty  puckery  by  this  tim^.  However,  if  she  goes 
to  act  ugly,  I'll  give  her  a  dose  of  "  soft  sawder,"  that  will  take  the  frown 
out  of  her  frontispiece,  and  make  her  dial  plate  as  smooth  as  a  lick  of  copal 
varnish.  It's  a  pity  she's  such  a  kickin'  devil,  too,  for  she  has  good  points — 
good  eye — good  foot — neat  pattern — fine  chest — a  clean  set  of  limbs,  and 
carries  a  good— >.  But  here  we  are,  now  you'll  see  what  'soft  sawder' will  do. 

When  we  entered  the  house,  the  travellers'  room  was  all  in  darkness, 
and  on  opening  the  opposite  door  into  the  sitting  room,  we  found  the  fe- 
male part  of  the  family  extinguishing  the  fire  for  the  night.  Mrs.  Pug- 
wash had  a  broom  in  hei  hand,  and  was  in  the  act  (the- last  act  of  female 
housewifery)  of  sweeping  the  hearth.  The  strong  flickering  light  of  tha 
fire,  as  it  fell  upon  her  tall  fine  figure  and  beautiful  face,  revealed  a  crea- 
ture worthy  of  the  Clockmaker's  comments. 

Good  evening,  Marm,  said  Mr.  Slick,  how  do  you  do,  r'ld  how's  Mr. 
Pugwash  1  He,  said  she,  why,  he's  been  abed  this  hour,  you  don't  expect 
to  disturb  him  this  time  of  night,  I  hope.  Oh  no,  said  Mr.  Slick,  certainly 
not,  and  I  am  sorry  to  have  disturbed  you,  but  we  got  detained  longer 
than  we  expected  ;  I  am  sorry  that — .  So  am  I,  said  she,  but  if  Mr. 
Pugwash  will  keep  an  inn  when  he  has  no  occasion  to,  his  family  can't 
«xpect  no  rest. 

Here  the  Clockmaker,  seeing  the  storm  gathering,  stooped  down 
suddenly,  and  staring  intently,  held  out  his  hand  and  exclaimed,  well, 
if  that  aint  a  beautiful  child — come  here,  my  little  man,  and  shake 
"hands  along  with  me — well,  I  declare,  if  that  are  little  feller  aint  the 
finest  child  I  ever  seed — what,  not  abed  yet  1  ah,  you  rogue,  where  did 
YOU  get  them  are  pretty  rosy  cheeks ;  stole  ihem  from  mamma,  eh  ? 
Well,  I  wish  my  old  mother  could  see  that  child,  it  is  such  a  treat.  In 
our  country,  said  he,  turning  to  me,  the  children  are  all  as  pale  as  chalk, 
or  as  yaller  as  an  orange.  Lord,  that  are  little  feller  would  be  a  show 
in  ou.  country — come  to  me,  my  man.  Here  the  '  soft  sawder'  began  to 
operate.  Mrs.  Pugwash  said  in  a  milder  tone  than  we  had  yet  heard, 
'  go,  my  dear  to  the  gentleman — go,  dear.'  Mr.  Slick  kissed  him,  asked 
"him  if  he  would  go  to  the  states  along  with  him,  told  him  all  the  little 
girls  there  would  fall  in  love  with  him,  for  they  didn't  see  such  a  beauti- 
ful fare  once  in  a  month  of  Sundays.  Black  eyes — let  mu  see — ah, 
inamma's  eyes  too,  and  black  hair  also  ;  as  I  am  alive,  why,  you  are 
mamma's  own  boy,  the  very  image  of  mamma.  Do  be  seated,  gentlemen, 
said  Mrs.  Pugwash — Sally,  make  a  fire  in  the  next  room.  She  ought  to 
be  proud  of  you,  he  continued.  Well,  if  I  live  to  return  here,  I  must 
paint  your  face,  and  have  it  put  on  my  clocks,  and  our  folks  will  buy  the 
clocks  for  the  sake  of  the  fiicc.  Did  you  ever  see,  said  he,  again  ad- 
dreising  me,  such  a  likeness  betweon  one  human  and  another,  as  between 
this  beautiful  little  boy  and  his  mother  1  I  am  sure  you  have  hpd  no  sup- 
per, said  Mrs.  Pugwash  to  rnc  ;  you  must  be  hungry  and  weary,  too — I 
will  get  you  a  cup  of  tea.  I  am  sorry  to  give  you  so  much  trouble,  said  I. 
Not  the  least  trouble  in  the  world,  she  rephed,  on  the  contrary  a  pleasure. 

We  were  then  shown  into  the  next  room,  where  the  fire  was  now 
blazing  up,  but  Mr.  Slick  protested  he  could  not  proceed  without  the  lit- 
tle boy,  and  lingered  behind  to  ascertain  his  age,  and  concluded  by  asking 
the  child  if  he  had  any  aunts  that  looked  like  mamma. 


.A^. 


THB  BOAD  TO  A  WOMAN'b  HEART. 


37 


*4 
"■i 


As  the  door  closed,  Mr.  Slick  said^  it's  a  pity  she  donU  go  well  iu  gear. 
The  difGculty  with  those  critters  is  to  git  them  to  start,  arter  that 
there  is  no  trouble  with  them  if  you  don't  check  'em  too  short.  If  j^ou 
do  they'll  stop  agin,  run  back  and  kick  like  mad,  and  then  Old  Nick  him- 
self wouldn't  stop  'em.  Pugwash,  I  guess,  don't  understand  the  natur 
of  the  critter  ;  she'll  never  jro  kind  in  harness  for  him.  When  1'  see  a 
chiid,  said  the  Clockmaker,  I  always  feci  safe  with  these  womenfolk ;  for 
I  have  always  found  that  the  road  to  a  woman's  heart  lies  through  her 
child. 

You  seem,  said  I,  to  understand  the  female  heart  so  well,  I  make  no 
doubt  you  are  a  general  favourite  among  the  fair  sex.  Any  man,  he  re» 
plied,  that  understands  horses,  has  a  pretty  considerable  fair  knowledge 
of  women,  for  they  are  jist  alike  in  temper,  and  require  the  very  identical 
same  treatment.  Incourage  the  timid  ones,  he  gentle  and  steady  with  the 
fractious,  but  lather  the  sulky  ones  like  blazes. 

People  talk  an  everlastin  sight  of  nonsense  about  wine,  women,  and 
horses.  I've  bought  and  sold  'em  all,  I've  traded  in  all  of  them,  and  I 
tell  you,  there  aint  one  in  a  thousand  that  knows  a  grain  about  either  on 
'em.  You  hear  folks  say,  oh,  such  a  man  is  an  ugly  grained  critter,  he'll 
break  hit  wife's  heart ;  jist  as  if  a  woman's  heart  was  as  brittle  as  a  pipe 
Stalk.  The  female  heart,  as  far  as  my  experience  goes,  is  jist  like  a  new 
India  rubber  shoe  ;  you  may  pull  and  pull  at  it  till  it  stretches  out  a  yard 
long,  and  then  let  go,  and  it  will  fly  riglit  back  to  its  old  shape.  Their 
hearts  are  made  of  stout  leather,  I  tell  you ;  there's  a  plaguy  sight  of 
wear  in  'em. 

I  never  knowed  bat  one  case  of  a  btoken  heart,  and  that  was  in  t'othet 
sex,  one  Washington  Banks.  He  was  a  sneezer.  He  was  tali  enough 
to  spit  down  on  the  heads  of  your  grenadiers,  and  near  about  high  enough 
to  wade  across  Charlestown  River,  and  as  strong  as  a  tow  boat.  I  guess 
he  was  somewhat  less  than  a  foot  longer  than  the  moral  law  and  the 
catechism  too.  He  was  a  perfect  pictur  of  a  man  ;  you  couldn't  fait  him 
in  no  particular ",  he  was  so  just  a  made  critter  ;  folks  used  to  run  to  the 
winder  when  he  passed,  and  say,  there  goes  Washington  Banks,  beam 
he  lovely  1  I  do  believe  there  wasn't  a  gal  in  the  Lowell  factories  that 
warnt  in  love  with  him.  Sometimes,  at  intermission,  on  Sabbath  days, 
when  they  all  came  out  together,  (an  amazin  handsOm  sight  too,  neat 
about  a  whole  congregation  of  young  gals)  Banks  used  to  say,  •'  I  vow, 
young  ladies,  I  wish  I  had  five  hundred  arms  to  reciprocate  one  with  each 
of  you  ;  but  I  reckon  I  have  a  heart  big  enough  for  you  all ;  it's  a  whap^- 
per,  you  may  depend,  and  everv  mite  and  morsel  of  it  at  your  service.'' 
Well,  how  do  you  act,  Mr.  Banks,  half  a  thousand  little  clipper  clapper 
tongues  would  say,  all  at  the  same  time,  and  their  dear  little  eyes  spark- 
iin,  like  so  many  stars  twinklin  of  a  frosty  night. 

Well,  when  I  last  seed  him,  he  was  all  skin  and  bone,  like  a  horse 
turned  out  to  die.  He  was  teetotally  defleshed,  a  mere  walkin  skeleton. 
I  am  dreadful  sorry,  said  I,  to  see  you.  Banks,  lookin  so  peecked  ;  why 
you  look  like  a  sick  turkey  hen,  all  legs  ;  what  on  airlh  ails  you  1  I  am 
dyin,  says  he,  of  rt  broken  heart.  What,  says  I,  have  the  gals  been 
jiltin  you  1  No,  no,  says  he,  I  beant  such  a  fool  as  that  neither.  Well, 
says  I,  have  you  made  a  bad  speculation  1  No,  says  he,  shaking  his  head, 
I  hope  I  have  too  much  clear  grit  in  me  to  take  on  so  bad  for  that. 
What  under  the  sun  is  it,  then  1  said  I.  Why,  says  he,  I  made  a  bet 
the  forepart  of  summer  with  Leftenant  Oby  Knowles,  that  Icouid  shoulder 
the  best  bower  of  the  Constitution  frigate.     I  won  my  bet,  but  the  anchor 


4^^^. 


\ 


39 


TRI   CLOCKMAKER. 


I* 


i: 


N; 


teas  to  elarnal  heavy  it  broke  my  heart.  Sure  enough  he  did  die  ihat 
▼ery  fall,  and  he  was  the  only  instance  I  ever  heerd  tell  of  a  broken 
heart. 


CHAPTER  XI. 


■>]]'■ 


CUMBERLAND  OYSTERS  PRODUCE  MELANCHOLY  FORE- 
BODINGS. 

The  •'  soft  sawder"  of  the  Ciockmaker  had  operated  elfectually  on  the 
beauty  of  Amherst,  our  lovely  hostess  of  Pugwash's  inn  :  indeed,  I  am 
inclined  to  think  with  Mr.  Slick,  that  "  the  road  to  a  woman's  heart  lies 
thiough  her  child,"  from  the  effect  produced  upon  her  by  the  praises  be- 
stowed on  her  infant  boy. 

I  was  musing  on  this  feminine  su jceptibility  to  flattery,  when  the  door  . 
opened,  and  Mrs.  Pugwash  entered  dressed  in  her  sweetest  smiles  and 
her  best  cap,  an  auxiliary  by  no  means  required  by  her  charms,  which,  like 
an  Italian  sky,  when  unclouded,  are  unrivalled  in  splendour.     Approach- 
ing me,  she  said,  with  an  irresistible  smile,  would  you  like  Mr. ,  (here 

there  was  a  pau.sc,  a  hiatus,  evidently  intended  for  me  to  All  up  with  my 
name  ;  but  that  no  person  knows,  nor  do  I  intend  they  shall ;  at  Medley's 
Hotel,  in  Halifax,  I  was  known  as  the  stranger  in  No.  1.  The  attention 
that  incognito  procured  for  me,  the  importance  it  gave  me  in  the  eyes  of 
the  master  of  the  house,  its  lodgers  and  servants,  is  indescribable.  It  is 
only  great  people  who  travel  incog.  State  travelling  is  inconvenient  and 
slow  ;  the  constant  weight  of  form  and  etiquette  oppresses  at  once  the 
strength  and  the  spirits.  It  is  pleasant  to  travel  unobserved,  to  stand  at 
case,  or  exchange  the  full  suit  for  the  undress  coat  and  fatigue  jacket. 
Wherever,  too,  there  is  mystery  there  is  importance ;  there  is  no  know- 
ing for  whom  I  may  be  mistaken — but  let  n>e  once  give  my  humble  cog- 
nomen and  occupation,  and  I  sink  immediately  to  my  own  level,  to  ple- 
beian station  and  a  vulgar  name  ;  not  even  my  beautiful  hobtess,  nor  my 
inquisitive  friend,  the  Ciockmaker,  who  calls  me  "^  Squire,'  shall  extract 

that  secret !)     Would  you  lik'^,  Mr. ,  indeed  I  would,  says  I,  Mrs. 

Pugwash  ;  pr.ay  be  seated,  and  tell  me  what  it  is.  Would  you  like  a 
dish  of  superior  Shittyacks  for  supper  ?  Indeed  I  would,  said  I,  agin 
laughing ;  but  pray  tell  me  what  it  is  1  Laws  me !  said  she,  with  a 
stare,  where  have  you  been  all  your  days,  that  you  never  heard  of  our 
Shiltyack  oysters  1  I  thought  everybody  had  heerd  of  them.  I  beg 
pardon,  said  I,  but  I  understood  at  Halifax,  that  the  only  oysters  in  this 
part  of  the  world  arc  found  on  the  shores  of  Prince  Edward  Island.  Oh  f 
dear  no,  said  our  hostess,  they  are  found  all  along  the  coast  from  Shittyack, 
through  Bay  of  Vartes,  away  to  Ramshag.  The  latter  we  seldom  get, 
though  the  best ;  there  is  no  regular  conveyance,  and  when  they  do 
come,  they  are  generally  shelled  and  in  kegs,  and  never  in  good  order. 
I  have  nut  had  a  real  good  Ramshag  in  my  house  these  two  years,  since 
Governor  Maitland  was  here  ;  he  was  amazing  fund  of  them,  and  Lawyer 
'I'alkemdeaf  sent  his  carriage  there  on  purpose  to  procure  them  fresh  for 
him.  Now  we  can't  get  them,  but  we  have  the  Shittyacks  in  perfection  ; 
say  the  word  and  they  shall  be  served  up  immediately. 

A  good  dish  and  an  unexpected  dish  is  most  acceptable,  and  certainly 
my  American  friend  and  myself  did  ample  justice  to  the  oysters,  which, 
if  they  had  not  so  classical  name,  have  quite  as  good  a  flavour  as 
their  far-famed  brethren  of  Milton.     Mr,  Slick  ate  so  heartily  that  when 


1 


CUMBERLAND    OVSTBBS,    ETC. 


91 


•lid  die  (hat 
of  a  broken 


iY  FORE- 

ually  on  the 

ideed,  I  am 

's  heart  lies 

praises  be« 

en  the  door 
smiles  and 
which,  like 
Approach- 

, (here 

up  with  my 
It  Medley's 
>e  attention 
the  eyes  of 
ible.     It  is 
enient  and 
it  once  the 
to  stand  at 
ue  jacket. 
3  no  know- 
imbje  cog- 
I'el,  to  ple- 
!ss,  nor  my 
all  extract 
I's  I,  Mrs. 
y;ou  like  a 
id  I,  agin 
e,  with  a 
rd  of  our 
1.     I  beg 
3rs  in  this 
nd.    Ohr 
Shittyack, 
Idem  get, 
I  they  do 
od  order, 
ars,  since 
1  Lawyer 
fresh  for 
rfection  ; 


tic  resumed  his  conversation,  he  indulged  in  the  most  melancholy  fore* 
todings. 

Did  you  see  that  are  nigger,  said  he,  that  removed  the  oyster-shells  1 
well,  he's  one  of  our  Chesapickers,  one  of  General  CufTy's  slaves.  I  wish 
Admiral  Cockbum  had  a  taken  them  all  off  our  hands  at  the  same  rate. 
We  made  a  pretty  good  sale  of  them  are  black  cattle,  I  guess,  to  the 
British  ;  I  wish  we  were  well  rid  of  'em  all.  The  blacks  and  the  whiles 
in  the  States  show  their  tepth  and  snarl ;  they  are  jist  ready  to  fall  to. 
The  ■protestantf  and,  catholics  begin  to  lay  back  their  ears,  and  turn  tail 
for  kickin'.  The  a^olilionisls  and  planters  are  at  it  likelwo  bulls  in  a 
paslur.  Mob  law  and  Lynch  laio  are  working  like  yeast  in  a  barrel,  and 
frothing  at  the  bung-hole.  Nullification  and  tariff  are  like  a  charcoal 
pit,  all  covered  up,  but  burning  inside,  and  sending  out  smoke  at  every 
crack,  enough  to  stifle  a  horse.  General  government  and  State  govern- 
mcnt  every  now  and  then  square  off  and  spar,  and  the  first  blow  given 
will  bring  on  a  general  set-to.  Surplus  revenue  is  another  bone  of  con- 
tention ;  like  a  shin  of  beef  thrown  among  a  pack  of  dogs,  it  will  set  the 
whole  on  'em  by  the  ears.  You  have  heard  tell  of  cotton  rags  dipt  in 
turpentine,  haven't  you,  how  they  produce  combustion  1  Well,  I  guess 
we  have  the  elements  of  spontaneous  combustion  among  us  in  abundar  ; 
when  it  docs  break  out,  if  you  don't  see  an  eruption  of  human  gor», 
worse  than  Etna  lava,  then  I'm  mistaken.  There'll  be  the  very  devil  to 
pay,  that's  a  fact.  I  expect  the  blacks  will  butcher  the  southern  whites, 
and  the  northerners  will  have  to  turn  out  and  butcher  them  again  ;  and 
all  this  shoot,  hang,  cut,  stab,  and  burn  business,  will  sweeten  our  folks' 
temper,  as  raw  meat  does  that  of  a  dog — it  fairly  makes  me  sick  to  think 
on  it.  The  explosion  may  clear  the  air  again,  and  all  be  tranquil  once 
more,  but  it's  an°  even  chance  if  it  don't  leave  us  the  three  steamboat 
options,  to  be  blown  sky  high,  to  be  scalded  to  death,  or  drowned. 

If  this  sad  picture  you  have  drawn  be  indeed  true  to  nature,  how  does 
your  country,  said  I,  appear  so  attractive  as  to  draw  to  it  so  large  a  por- 
tion of  our  population  1  It  aint  its  attraction,  said  the  Clockmaker;  it's 
nolhing  but  its  power  of  suction  ;  it  is  a  great  whirlpool — a  grjat  vortex; 
it  drags  all  the  straw  and  chips,  and  floating  sticks,  drift  wo(  d  and  trash 
into  it.  The  small  crafts  are  sucked  in,  and  whirl  round  and  round  like 
R  squirrel  in  the  cage — they'll  never  come  out.  Bigger  ones  pass  through 
at  certain  times  of  tide,  and  can  come  in  and  out  with  good  pilotage,  as 
they  do  at  Hell  Gate  up  the  Sound. 

You  astonish  me,  said  I,  beyond  measure ;  both  your  previous  con- 
versations with  me,  and  the  concurrent  testimony  of  all  my  friends  who 
have  visited  the  States,  give  a  different  view  of  it.  Your  friends  !  said 
the  Clockmaker,  with  such  a  tone  of  ineffable  contempt,  that  I  felt  a 
strong  inclination  to  knock  him  down  for  his  insolence — your  friends  I 
Ensigns  and  leftenants,  I  guess,  from  the  British  marchin  regiments 
in  the  Colonies,  that  run  over  five  thousand  miles  of  country  in  five 
weeks,  on  leave  of  absence,  and  then  return,  looking  as  wise  as  the  mon- 
key that  had  seen  the  world.  When  they  get  back  they  are  so  chock 
fi"  of  knowledge  of  the  Yankees,  that  it  runs  over  of  itself,  like  a  hogs- 
head of  molasses,  rolled  about  in  hot  weather ;  a  white  froth  and  scum 
bubbles  out  of  the  bung ;  w!  nywashy  trash  they  call  tours,  sketches, 
travels,  letters,  and  what  not ;  vapid  stuff,  jist  sweet  enough  to  catch 
flies,  cockroaches,  and  half-fledged  gulls.  It  puts  me  in  mind  of  my 
French.  I  larnt  French  at  night-school  one  winter  of  our  minister,  Jo- 
shua Hopewell,  (he  was  the  most  lamed  man  of  the  age,  for  he  taught 


40 


THB    CI.OCKMAKKR. 


Pl 


m 


himself  een  amosl  every  language  in  Europe  ;)  well,  next  spring,  when  I 
went  to  Boston,  I  met  a  Frenchman,  and  I  began  to  jabber  away  French 
to  him  :  •'  Polly  woes  a  french  shay,"  says  I.  I  don't  understand  Yan- 
kee yet,  says  he.  You  don't  understand !  says  I,  why,  it's  French. 
i  guess  yun  didn't  expect  to  hear  such  good  French,  did  you,  away 
down  cast  here  1  but  we  speak  it  real  weU,  and  it's  generally  allowed 
we  speak  English,  too,  better  than  the  British.  Oh,  says  he,  you  one 
very  droll  Yankee,  dat  very  good  joke,  Sare  ;  you  talk  Indian,  and  cni\ 
it  French.  But,  says  T,  Mr.  Mountshear,  it  is  French,  I  vow  ;  real  mer- 
chantable, without  wainy  edge  or  shakes — all  cleai;  stulf ;  it  will  pass 
survey  in  any  market — it's  ready  stuck  and  seasoned.  Oh,  very  like, 
says  he,  bowin  as  poUte  as  a  black  waiter  at  New  Otleens,  very  like,  only 
1  never  heerd  it  afo'  e  ;  oh,  very  goo<l  French  dat — clear  at»fi,  no  doubt, 
but  I  no  understand — it's  all  my  fault,  I  dare  say,  Sare. 

Thinks  I  to  myself,  a  no<l  is  as  good  as  a  wink  tc  a  blind  horse,  I  see 
how  the  cat  jumps.  Minister  knows  so  many  languages,  he  liaint  been 
particular  enough  to  keep  'em  in  separate  parcels,  and  mark  'em  on  the 
back,  and  they've  got  mixed,  and  sure  enough  I  found  my  French  was 
so  overrun  with  other  sorts,  that  it  v^'as  better  to  lose  the  whole  crop  llian 
go  to  weedin,  for  as  fast  as  I  pulled  up  any  strange  seedlin.  it  would 
grow  right  up  agin  as  quick  as  wink,  if  th«re  was  the  least  bit  of  root  in 
the  world  left  m  the  ground,  so  I  left  it  all  to  rot  on  the  field. 

There  is  no  way  so  good  to  lam  French  as  to  live  among  'em,  and  if 
you  want  to  understand  us,  you  must  live  among  us,  i»o;  your  HaUs,  Ha- 
miltons,  and  De  Rouses,  and  such  critters,  what  ca7t  they  know  of  us  ' 
Can  a  chap  catch  a  hkeness  flying  along  the  railroad  1  can  he  even  see 
the  featurs  ?  Old  Admiral  Anson  once  axed  one  of  our  folks  afore  our 
glorious  rerolution,  (if  the  British  had  a  known  us  a  little  grain  better  at 
that  time,  they  wouldn't  have  got  whipped  like  a  sack  as  they  did  then,.) 
where  he  come  from  1  From  the  Chesapeeke,  said  he.  Ay,  ay,  said 
the  admiral,  from  the  West  Indies.  I  guess,  said  the  southaner,  you 
may  have  been  clean  rou7id  the  world,  admiiaL,  but  you  have  been  plaguy 
little  in  it,  not  to  know  better  nor  that. 

I  shot  a  wild  goose  at  River  Philip  last  yeaar,  with  the  rice  of  Vargi> 
ney  fresh  in  his  crop  ;  he  must  have  cracked  on  near  about  as  fast  as 
them  other  geese,  the  British  travellers.  Which  know'd  the  most  of 
the  country  tTiey  passed  O'Ver  do  you  suppose  1  I  guess  it  was  much  of  a 
muchness —  near  about  six  of  one,  and  half  a  dozen  of  the  tother  ;  two  eyes 
aint  much  bettel-  than  one,  if  they  are  both  blind. 

No,  if  you  want  to  know  all  about  us  and  the  blue-noses  (a  pretty 
considerable  share  of  Yankee  blood  in  them  too,  I  tell  you  ;  the  old  stock 
eomes  from  New  England,  and  the  breed  is  tolerable  pure  yet,  near  about 
one-half  apple  sarce,  and  toth  n  half  molasses^  all  except  to  the  easterd, 
where  there  is  »  cross  of  the  Scotch,)  jist  ax  me  and  I'll  tell  you  candid- 
ly. I'm  not  ono  of  them  that  can't  see  no  good  points  in  my  neighbour's 
critter,  and  no  bad  one  in  my  own  ;  I've  seen  too  much  of  the-  world  for 
that  I  guess.  Indeed,  in  a  general  way,  I  praise  other  folks'  beasts,  and 
keep  dark  about  ray  own.  Says  I,  when  I  meet  blue-noses  mounted, 
that's  a  real  smart  horse  of  youm,  put  him  out,  I  guess  he'll  trot  like 
mad.  Well,  he  lets  him  have  the  spur,  and  the  critter  does  his  best,  and 
then  I  pass  him  like  a  streak  of  lightning  with  mine.  The  feller  looks 
all  taken  aback  at  that.  Why,  says  he,  t'^^t's  a  real  clipper  of  youm,  I 
vo'v.  Middlin,  says  I,  (quite  cool,  as  if  I  had  heerd  that  are  same  thing 
» thousand  times,)  he's  good  enough  for  me,  jist  a  fair  trotter,  and  no- 


I 


'.:fi< 


THE  AMERICAN  EAGLE. 


tt 


thing  to  brag  of.  That  goes  near  about  as  far  agin  in  a  general  way,  as 
a  crackin  and  a  boastin  does.  Never  tell  folks  you  can  go  ahead  on  'em, 
hnt  do  it ;  it  spares  a  good  deal  of  talk,  and  helps  them  to  save  their 
breath  to  cool  their  broth. 

No,  if  you  want  to  know  the  ins  and  the  outs  of  the  Yankees — I've 
wintered  them  and  summered  them  ;  I  know  all  their  points,  shape,  make, 
and  breed  ;  I've  tried  'em  alongside  of  other  folks,  and  I  know  where  they 
fall  short,  where  they  mate  'em,  and  where  they  have  the  advantage, 
about  as  well  as  some  who  think  they  know  a  plaguy  sight  more.  It  aint 
them  that  stare  the  most,  that  see  the  best  alwayd,  I  guess.  Our  folks 
have  their  faults,  and  I  know  them,  (I  warn't  born  blind  I  reckon,)  but 
your  friends,  the  tour  writers,  are  a  little  grain  too  hard  on  us.  Our  old 
nigger  wench  had  several  dirty,  ugly  lookin  children,  and  was  proper  cross 
to  'em.  Mother  used  to  say,  Juno,  i7'«  belter  never  to  wipe  a  child'' » 
nose  at  all,  I  guess,  than  to  wring  it  off. 


CHAPTER  XII. 
THE  AMERICAN  EAGLE. 


o: 


m  i 


JisT  look  out  of  the  door,  said  the  Clockmakcr,  and  see  what  a  beauti- 
ful night  it  is,  how  calm,  how  still,  how  clear  it  is,  beant  it  lovely  !  I 
'like  to  look  up  at  them  are  stars,  when  I  am  away  from  home,  they  put 
me  in  mind  of  our  national  flag,  and  it  is  generally  allowed  to  be  the  first 
flag  in  the  univarsc  now.  The  British  can  whip  all  the  world,  and  we 
can  whip  the  British.  It's  near  about  the  prettiest  sight  I  know  of,  is 
one  of  our  first  class  frigates,  manned  with  our  free  and  enlightened  citi- 
■zens,  all  ready  for  sea ;  it  is  like  the  great  American  Eagle  on  its  perch, 
^balancing  itself  for  a  start  on  the  broad  expanse  of  blue  sky,  afeared  of 
nothin  of  its  kind,  and  president  of  all  it  surveys.  It  was  a  good  emblem 
that  we  cho3e,  warn't  it  1 

There  was  no  evading  so  direct,  and  at  the  same  time,  so  conceited 
an  appeal  as  this.  Certainly,  said  I,  the  emblem  was  well  chosen.  I 
was  particularly  struck  with  it  on  observing  the  device  on  your  naval  but- 
tons during  the  last  war — an  eagle  with  an  anchor  in  its  claws.  That 
was  a  natural  idea,  taken  from  an  ordinary  occurrence  ;  a  bird  purloining 
the  anchor  of  a  frigate — an  article  so  useful  and  necessary  for  the  food  of 
its  young.  It  was  well  chosen,  and  exhibited  great  taste  and  judgment 
in  the  artist.  The  emblem  is  more  appropriate  than  you  are  aware  of — 
boasting  of  what  you  cannot  perform — grasping  at  what  you  cannot  attain 
— an  emblem  of  arrogance  and  weaknoss^-of  ill-directed  ambition  and 
vulgar  pretension. 

It's  a  common  phrase,  said  he,  with  great  composure,  among  seamen, 
to  say  "  damn  your  buttons,"  and  I  guess  its  natural  for  you  to  say  so  (^ 
the  buttons  of  our  navals ;  I  guess  you  have  a  right  to  that  are  oath. 
It's  a  sore  subject,  that,  I  reckon,  and  I  believe  I  hadn't  ought  to  hnve 
spoken  of  it  to  you  at  all.     BrHg  is  a  good  dog,  but  hold  fast  is  a  better  one. 

He  was  evidently  annoyed,  and  with  his  usual  dexterity  gave  vent  to 
his  feelings,  by  a  sally  upon  the  blue-noses,  who,  he  says,  are  a  cross  of 
English  and  Yankee,  and  therefore  first  cousins  to  us  both.  Perhaps, 
said  he,  that  are  eagle  might  with  more  propriety  have  been  take  off  a» 
perched  on  an  anchor,  instead  of  holding  it  in  his  claws,  and  I  think  it 
would  have  been  nateral ;  but  I  suppose  it  was  some  stupid  foreign 
artist  that  made  that  are  blunder — I  never  seed  one  yet  that  was  equal 

D2 


418 


THE  CLOL'KMAKER. 


to  oum.  If  that  earrle  is  represented  as  trying  what  he  cniCt  do,  it's 
an  honourable  ambition  arter  all,  but  these  blue-noses  won't  try  whak 
they  can  do.  They  put  me  in  mind  of  a  great  big  hulk  of  a  horse  in 
a  cart,  that  won't  put  his  shoulder  to  the  collar  at  all  for  all  the  lambastin 
in  the  world,  but  turns  his  head  round  and  looks  at  you,  as  much  as  to 
say,  "what  an  cverlastin  heavy  thing  an  empty  cart  is,  isn't  it  1"  An 
oiel  should  be  their  emblem,  and  the  motlo,  "  He  sleeps  all  the  days  of  his 
life."  The  whole  country  is  like  this  night ;  beautiful  to  look  at,  but 
silent  as  the  grave — still  as  death,  asleep,  becalmed. 

If  the  sea  was  always  calm,  said  he,  it  would  pyson  the  nnivarsc  ;  no 
soul  could  breathe  the  air,,  it  would  be  so  uncommon  bad.  Stagnant 
water  is  always  onpleasant,  but  salt  water  when  it  gets  tainted  beats  all 
natur  ;  motion  keeps  it  sweet  and  wholesomo,  and  that  our  minister  used 
to  say  is  one  of  the  "  wonders  of  the  great  deep."  This  province  n 
stagnant ;  it  aint  deep  like  still  water  neither,  for  its  shaller  enough, 
gracious  knows,  but  it  is  motionless,  noiseless,  lifeless.  If  you  have  ever 
been  to  sea  in  a  calm,  you'd  know  what  a  plaguy  tiresome  thing  it  is  for 
a  man  that's  in  a  hurry.  An  everlastin  flappin  of  the  sails,  and  a  creakin 
of  the  booms,  and  an  onsleady  pitchin  of  the  ship,  and  folks  lyin  about 
dozin  away  their  time,  and  the  sea  a  heavin  a  long  heavy  swell,  like  the 
breathin  of  the  chist  of  some  great  monster  asleep.  A  passenger  wonders 
the  sailors  are  so  plaguy  easy  about  it,  and  he  goes  a  lookin  out  east,  and 
a  spyin  out  west,  to  see  if  there's  any  chance  of  a  breeze,  and  says  to 
himself,  "Well,  if  this  aint  dull  music  it's  a  pity."  Then  how  streaked 
he  feels  when  he  sees  a  steamboat  a  clippin  it  by  him  like  mad,  and  the 
folks  on  board  pokin  fun  at  him,  and  askin  him  if  he  has  any  word  to 
send  home.  Well,  he  says,  if  any  soul  ever  catches  me  on  board  a  sail 
vessel  again,  when  I  can  go  by  steain^  I'll  give  him  leave  to  tell  me  of 
k,  that's  a  fact. 

That's  partly  the  case  here.  They  are  becalmed,  and  they  see  i!6 
going  ahead  on  them,  till  we  are  een  amost  out  of  sight ;  yet  they  haven't 
got  a  steamboat,  and  they  haven't  got  a  railroad ;  indeed,  I  doubt  if  one-half 
on  'em  ever  seed  or  heerd  tell  of  one  or  tother  of  them.  I  never  seed 
any  folks  like  'em  except  the  Indians,  and  they  wont  even  so  much  as 
look — they  haven't  the  least  morsel  of  curiosity  in  the  world  ;  from  which 
one  of  our  Unitarian  preachers  (they  are  dreadful  hands  at  doubtin,  them. 
I  Aon' i  doubt  but  some  day  or  another,  they  will  doubt  whether  every 
thing  aint  a  doubt)  in  a  very  learned  work,  doubts  whether  they  were  ever 
descended  from  Eve  at  all.  Old  marm  Eve's  children,  he  says,  are  aH 
lost,  it  is  said,  in  consequence  of  too  much  curiosity,  while  these  copper 
coloured  folks  are  lost  from  havin  too  little.  How  can  they  be  the  same  ? 
Thinks  I,  that  may  be  logic,  old  Dubersome,  but  it  aint  sense,  don't  ex- 
tremes meet  ]  Now,  these  blue  noses  have  no  motion  in  'em,  no  enter- 
prise, no  spirit,  and  if  any  critter  shows  any  symptoms  of  activity,  they 
say  he  is  a  man  of  no  judgment,  he's  speculative,  he's  a  schemer,  in  short, 
he's  mad.  They  vegetate  like  a  lettuce  plant  in  a  sarce  garden,  they  grow 
tall  and  spindlin,  run  to  seed  right  off,  grow  as  bitter  as  gall,  and  die. 

A  gal  once  came  to  our  minister  to  hire  as  a  house  help ;  says  she,  min- 
ister, I  suppose  you  don't  want  a  voung  lady  to  do  chamber  business  and 
breed  worms,  do  you  1  For  I've  hiif  a  mind  to  take  a  spell  at  livin  out 
(she  meant,  said  the  Clockmaker,  housework  and  rearing  silk  worms.) 
My  pretty  maiden,  says  he,  a  pattin  her  on  the  cheek,  (for  I've  often  ob- 
served old  men  always  talk  kinder  pleasant  (o  women,)  my  pretty  maiden, 
where   was  you  brought  up?     Why,  says  she,  I  guess  I  warn't brought 


.<Mtv 


THB    AMERICAN    EARLK. 


43 


lip  at  all,  I  growd  up.  Under  what  platform,  says  he,  (for  he  was  very 
particular  that  all  his  house  helps  should  go  to  his  mcotin,)  under  what 
church  platform  1  Church  platform,  says  she,  with  a  toas  of  her  head, 
like  a  young  colt  that  got  a  check  of  the  curb,  I  guess  I  wam't  raised 
under  a  platform  at  all,  but  in  as  good  a  house  as  yourn,  grand  as  you 
be. — You  said  well,  said  tho  old  mmister,  quite  shocked,  when  you  said 
you  growd  up,  dear,  for  you  have  grown  up  in  great  ignorance.  Then  I 
guess  you  had  better  got  a  lady  that  knows  more  than  me,  says  she,  that's 
tint.  I  reckon  I  am  every  bit  and  grain  as  good  as  you  be — If  I  don*t 
understand  a  bum-byx  (silk  worm)  both  feeding,  breeding,  and  rearing, 
then  I  want  to  know  who  does,  that's  all ;  church  platform,  indeed,  says 
she,  I  guess  you  were  raised  under  a  glass  frame  in  March,  and  trans- 
planted on  Independence  day,  wam't  you  1  And  off  she  sot  lookin  as 
scorney  as  a  London  lady,  and  leavin  the  poor  minister  standin  starin  like 
a  stuck  pig.  Well,  well,  says  he,  a  liftin  up  both  hands,  and  t-urnin  up 
the  whites  of  his  eyes  like  a  duck  in  thunder,  if  that  don't  bang  the  busl>! 
It  fearly  beats  sheep  shearin,  after  the  blackberry  bushes  have  got  the 
wool.  It  does  I  vow ;  them  are  the  tares  them  Unitarians  sow  in  our 
grain  fields  nt  night ;  I  guess  they'll  ruinate  the  crops  yet,  and  make  the 
grounds  so  everlasting  foul,  we'll  have  to  pare  the  sod  and  burn  it,  to  kill 
tho  roots.  Our  fathers  sowed  the  right  seed  here  in  the  wilderness,  and 
watered  it  with  thoir  tears,  and  watched  over  it  with  fastin  and  prayer, 
and  now  it's  fairly  run  out,  that's  a  &ct,  I  snore.  It's  got  choked  up 
with  all  sorts  of  trash  in  natur,  I  declare.  Dear,  dear,  I  vow  I  never  seed 
the  beat  o'  that  in  all  my  born  days. 

Now  the  blue-nases  are  like  that  are  gal ;  they  have  grown  up,  and 
grown  up  in  ignorance  of  many  things  they  hadn't  ought  not  to  know  ; 
and  it's  as  hard  to  teach  grown-up  folks  as  it  is  to  break  a  six  year  old 
horse ;  and  they  do  ryle  one's  temper  so — they  act  so  ugly  that  it  tempts 
one  sometimes  to  break  their  confounded  necks — it's  near  about  as  much 
trouble  as  it's  worth.  What  remedy  is  therefor  all  this supineness ?  said 
I ;  how  can  these  people  be  awakened  out  of  their  ignorant  slothfulnes?, 
into  active  exertion  ]  Tho  remedy,  said  Mr.  Slick,  is  at  hand — it  is  al- 
ready workin  its  own  cure.  They  must  recede  before  our  free  and  en- 
lightened citizens,  like  the  Indians ;  our  folks  will  buy  them  out,  and 
they  must  give  place  to  a  more  intelligent  and  ac-tive  people.  They  must 
go  to  the  lands  of  Labrador,  or  be  located  back  of  Canada ;  they  can  hold 
«n  there  a  few  years,  until  the  wave  of  civilization  reaches  them,  and  then 
they  must  move  again  as  the  savages  do.  It  is  decreed  ;  I  hear  the  bugle 
of  destiny  a  soundin  of  their  retreat,  as  plain  as  anything.  Congress  will 
give  them  a  concession  of  land,  if  they  petition,  away  to  Alleghany's 
backside  terrrtory,  and  grant  them  relief  for  a  few  years ;  for  we  are  out 
of  debt,  and  don't  know  what  to  do  with  our  surplus  revenue.  The  only 
way  to  shame  them,  that  I  know,  would  be  to  sarve  them  as  Unele  Enoch 
sarved  a  neighbour  of  his  in  Varginy. 

There  was  a  lady  that  had  a  plantation  near  hand  to  hisn,  and  there 
was  only  a  small-  river  atwixt  the  two  houses,  so  that  folks  could  hear 
each  other  across  it.  Well,  she  was  a  dreadful  cross  grained  woman,  a 
real  catamount,  as  savage  as  a  she  bear  that  has  cubs,  an  eld  farrow  crit- 
ter, as  ugly  as  sin,  and  one  that  bcvth  hooked  and  kicked  too — a  most 
particular  onmarciful  she  devil,  that's  a  fact.  She  used  to  have  some  of 
her  niggers  tied  up  every  day,  and  flogged  oncommon  severe,  and  their 
screams  and  screeches  were  horrid— no  soul  could  stand  it ;  nothin  was 
heard  all  day  but  oh  Lord,  Missus  I  oh  Lord,  Missus !  Enoch  was  fairly 


u 


THK    CLOCKMARER. 


(illji 


i{>ii 


kick  of  tho  sound,  for  he  was  a  tender  hearted  man,  and  says  ho  to  her 
one  day,  now  do,  mnrm,  find  out  some  other  place  to  give  your  cattle  the 
cowskin,  for  it  worries  me  to  hear  'em  tako  on  so  dreadful  bad — I  can't 
stand  it,  I  vow ;  they  arc  flesh  and  blood  as  well  as  we  be,  though  the 
meat  is  a  different  colour  ;  but  it  was  no  good — she  jist  up  ar.d  told  him 
to  mind  his  own  business,  and  she  guessed  she'd  mmd  hern.  He  was 
determined  to  shame  her  out  of  it ;  so  one  mornin  arter  breakfast  he  goes 
into  the  cane  field,  and  says  he  to  liavender,  one  of  the  black  overseers, 
muster  up  the  whole  gang  of  slaves,  every  soul,  and  bring  'cm  down  to 
the  whippin  post,  the  whole  stock  of  them,  bulls,  cows,  and  calves.  Well, 
awny  goes  Lavender,  and  drives  up  all  the  niggers.  Now  you  catch  it, 
vays  he,  you  lazy  villains  ;  I  tole  you  so  many  a  time — I  tole  you  Masaa 
he  lose  alt  patience  wid  you,  you  good  for  nothin  rascals.  I  grad,  upon 
my  soul,  I  werry  grad  ;  you  mind  now  what  old  Lavender  say  anoder 
time.  (The  black  overseers  are  always  the  most  cruel,  said  the  Clock- 
maker;  they  have  no  sort  of  feeling  for  their  own  people.) 

Well,  when  they  were  gathered  there  according  to  orders,  they  looked 
streaked  enough  you  may  depend,  thinkin  they  were  going  to  get  itail 
round,  and  the  wenches  they  fell  to  acryin,  wringin  their  hands,  and  boo- 
h«oing  like  mad.  Lavender  was  there  with  his  cowskin,  grinnin  like  a 
chessy  cat,  and  vrackin  it  about,  ready  for  business.  Pick  mc  out,  says 
Enoch,  four  that  have  the  loudest  voices  ;  hard  matter  dat,  says  Lavender, 
4iard  matter  dat.  Massa,  dey  all  talk  loud,  dey  all  lub  talk  more  better 
nor  work — de  idle  villains  ;  better  gib  'em  ail  a  little  tickle,  jist  to  teach 
'em  larf  on  tolher  side  of  de  mouth :  dat  side  bran  new,  dey  never  use 
it  yet.  Do  is  I  order  you,  sir,  said  Uncle,  or  I'll  have  you  triced  up,  yoti 
cruel  old  rascal  you.  When  they  were  picked  out  and  sot  by  themselves, 
they  hanged  their  heads,  and  looked  like  sheep  going  to  the  shambles. 
Now,  eays  Uncle  Enoch,  my  Pickininnics,  do  you  sing  out  as  loud  as 
J)viHgara,  at  the  very  tip  eend  of  you  Toice — 

Don't  kill  a  nigger,  pray. 
Let  him  lib  another  day. 
•  >'     i  Oh  Lord,  Missus — Oh  Lord,  Missus. 

My  back  be  very  sore, 
'    '    '..  Ko  stand  it  any  more. 

'  '•  '  Oh  Lord,  Missus — Oh  Lord,  ^Tissus, 

'  And  aTl  the  rest  of  you  join  chorus,  as  loud  as  you  cnn  bi  vl,  "Oh  Lord, 
Jlfissuf."  The  black  rascals  understood  the  joke  real  well  They  larfed 
ready  to  split  their  sides  ;  they  fairly  lay  down  on  the  j^r  jund,  and  rolled 
aver  and  over  with  lafter.  Well,  when  they  came  tc  the  chorus  "OA 
Lord,  Miasus,"  if  they  didn't  let  go,  it's  a  pity.  They  made  the  river  ring 
Mgin — they  were  heerd  clean  out  to  sea.  AH  the  folks  ran  out  of  the 
lady's  house,  to  see  what  on  airth  was  the  matter  on  Uncle  Enoch's 
plantation — they  thought  there  was  actilly  a  rebellion  there  ;  but  when 
they  listened  awhile,  and  heerd  it  over  and  over  agin,  they  took  the  hint 
and  returned  a  larfin  in  their  sleeves, — Says  they.  Master  Enoch  Slick, 
he  upsides  with  Missus  this  hitch  any  how.  Uncle  never  heerd  anything 
more  of  "Oh  Lord,  Missus"  arter  that.  Yes,  they  ought  to  be  shamed 
out  of  it  those  blue-noses.  When  reason  fails  to  convince,  there  is 
nothing  left  but  ridicule.  If  they  have  no  ambition,  apply  to  their  feelings, 
clap  &  blister  on  their  pride,  and  it  will  do  the  business.  It's  like  a  puttin 
ginger  under  a  horse's  tail ;  it  makes  him  carry  up  real  hand«um,  I 
tell  you.     When  I  was  a  boy,  I  was  always  late  to  school :  well,  father's 


THB  CLOCKMAKKE'a  OPINION  OF  HALIFAX. 


says  lio  to  her 
^our  cattle  the 
I  bad — I  can't 
le,  though  the 
>  and  told  him 
Jrn.  He  was 
ikfast  he  goes 
ack  overseers, 
r  'em  down  to 
lalves.    Well, 

you  catch  it, 
)le  you  Maasa 

I  grad,  upon 
3r  say  anoder 
lid  the  Clock- 

s,  they  looked 
g  to  get  it  ail 
iiids,  and  boo- 
grinnin  hke  a 

mo  out,  says 
lys  Lavender, 

more  better 
,  jist  to  teach 
ly  never  use 
;riced  up,  yoii 
1  themselves, 
ho  shambles. 
t  as  loud  as 


(«. 


,''OhLord, 
They  larfed 

and  rolled 

chorus  »'0A 

le  river  ring 

out  of  the 

le  Enoch's 

but  when 
ok  the  hint 
loch  Slick, 
d  anything 
)e  shamed 
there  is 

feelings, 
te  a  puttin 
inHsutn,  I 
II,  father's 


preachin  I  didn't  mind  much,  but  I  never  could  bear  to  hear  my  mother 
nay, Why,  Sam,  are  you  actilly  up  for  all  day  1  Well,  I  hope  your  airly 
rising  won't  hurt  you,  I  declare.  What  on  airth  is  a  going  to  happen  now  1 
Well,  wonders  will  never  cease.  It  raised  my  dander ;  at  lust  says  I, 
Now,  mother,  don't  say  that  are  any  more  for  gracious  sake,  fur  it  makes 
inc  feel  ugly,  and  I'll  gel  up  as  airly  as  any  on  you  ;  and  so  I  did  and 
I  soon  found  what's  worth  knowing  in  this  life,  ".in  airly  Mtart  makes 
easy  ataget'' 


CHAPTER  XIII. 
THE  CLOCKMAKEll'S  OPINION  OF  HALIFAX. 


,  1  .f 


The  next  morning  was  warmer  than  several  that  had  preceded  it.  Tl 
was  one  of  those  uncommonly  fine  days  that  distinguish  an  An^crican  au- 
tumn. I  guess,  said  Mr.  Slick,  the  heat  to-day  is  like  a  glass  of  mint 
julep,  with  a  lump  of  ice  in  it,  it  tastes  cool  and  feels  warm — it's  real  good, 
1  tell  you  ;  I  love  such  a  day  as  this  dearly.  It's  generally  allowed  the 
finest  weather  in  the  world  is  in  America — there  aint  the  beat  of  it  to  be 
found  anywhere.  He  then  lighted  a  cigar,  and  throwing  himself  back  on 
his  chair,  put  both  feet  out  of  the  window,  and  sat  with  his  anna  folded, 
a  perfect  picture  of  happiness. 

you  appear,  said  I,  to  have  travelled  over  the  whole  of  this  province, 
and  to  have  observed  tne  country  and  the  people  with  much  attention, 
pray  what  is  your  opinon  of  the  present  state  and  future  prospects  of 
Halifax  1  If  you  will  tell  me,  said  he,  when  the  folks  there  will  wak6 
up,  then  I  can  answer  you,  but  they  are  fast  asleep  :  as  to  the  province, 
it's  a  splendid  province,  and  calculated  to  go  ahead  ;  it  will  grow  as  fast 
as  a  Varginy  gal,  and  they  grow  so  amazin  fast,  if  you  put  your  arm  round 
one  of  their  necks  to  kiss  them,  by  the  time  you're  done,  they've  grown 
up  into  women.  It's  a  pretty  province  I  tell  you,  good  above  and  better 
below  ;  surface  covered  with  pastures,  meadows,  woods,  and  a  nation 
sight  of  water  privileges,  and  under  the  ground  full  of  mines — it  puts  me 
in  mind  of  the  soup  at  the  Tree-mont  house. 

One  day  I  was  a  walkin  in  the  Mall,  and  who  should  I  meet  but  Major 
Bradfor<l,  a  gentleman  from  Connecxicut,  that  traded  in  calves  and  pump* 
kins  for  the  Boston  market.  Says  he.  Slick,  where  do  you  get  your  grub 
to-day  1  At  General  Peep's  tavern,  says  I.  Only  fit  for  niggers,  says 
he  ;  why  don't  you  come  to  the  Trfc-mont  house,  that's  the  most  splen< 
did  thing  it's  generally  allowed  in  all  the  world.  Why,  says  I,  that's  a 
notch  above  my  mark,  I  guess  it's  too  plaguy  dear  for  me,  I  can't  aflurd  it 
no  how.  Well,  says  he,  it's  dear  in  one  sense,  but  it's  dog  cheap  in  another 
— it's  a  grand  place  for  a  speculation — there's  so  many  rich  southeners 
and  strangers  there  that  have  more  money  than  wit,  that  you  might  do  a 
pretty  good  business  there  without  goin  out  of  the  street  door.  I  made 
two  hundred  dollars  this  mornin  in  little  less  than  half  no  time.  There's 
a  Carolina  lawyer  there  as  rich  as  a  bank,  and  says  he  to  me  arter  break- 
fast, major,  says  he,  I  wish  I  knew  where  to  get  a  real  slapping  trotter 
of  a  horse,  one  that  could  trot  with  a  flash  ot  lightning  for  a  milo,  and 
beat  it  by  a  whole  neck  or  so.  Says  I,  my  lord,  (for  you  must  know,  he 
says  he's  the  nearest  male  heir  to  a  Scotch  dormant  peerage,)  my  lord, 
says  I,  I  have  one,  a  proper  sneezer,  a  chap  that  can  go  ahead  of  a  rail- 
road steamer,  a  real  natural  traveller,  one  that  can  trot  with  the  ball  out 
of  the  small  eeud   of  a  rifle,  and  never  break   into  a  gallop.     Says  ho. 


'n 


^'l 


ii'. 'i 


i 
IS 


46 


THE  CLOCRMARER. 


major,  I  wish  you  wouldn't  give  me  tliat  are  nickname,  I  don't  like  it, 
(thongh  h>3  looked  as  tickled  all  the  .ime  as  possible,)  I  never  knew,  says 
he,  a  lord  that  warn't  a  fool,  that's  a  fact,  and  that's  the  reason  I  don't  go 
ahead  and  claim  the  title.  Well,  says  I,  my  lord,  I  don't  know,  but 
somehow  I  can't  help  thinkin,  if  you  have  a  good  claim,  you'd  be  more 
like  a  fool  not  to  go  ahead  with  it.  Well,  says  he,  lord  or  no  lord,  let's 
look  at  your  horse.  So  away  I  went  to  Joe  Brown's  livery  stable,  at 
tother  ecnd  of  the  city,  and  picked  out  the  best  trotter  he  had,  and  no 
great  stick  to  brag  on  either  ;  pays  I,  Joe  Brown,  what  do  you  ax  for 
«hat  are  horse  1  Two  hundred  dollars,  saya  he.  Well,  says  I,  I  will 
lake  him  out  and  trv  him,  and  if  I  iikc  him  1  will  keep  him.  So  I  shows 
our  Carolina  lord  the  horse,  and  when  he  gets  on  him,  says  I,  don't  let 
him  trot  as  fast  as  he  can,  rcsarve  that  for  a  heat ;  if  folks  find  out  how 
everlastin  fast  ho  is,  they'd  be  afcared  to  stump  you  for  a  start.  V/hen 
he  returned,  he  said  he  liked  the  horse  amazingly,  and  nxed  the  price  ; 
four  hundred  dollars,  says  I,  you  can  get  nothin  special  without  a  good 
price,  pewter  cases  nevor  hold  good  watches  ;  I  know  it,  says  he,  the 
hotsc  is  mine.  Thinks  I  to  myself,  that's  more  than  ever  I  could  say  of 
4um  then  any  how. 

Well,  I  was  goin  to  tell  you  about  the  soup — says  the  major,  it's  near 
about  dinner  time,  iist  come  and  see  how  you  like  the  location.  There 
was  a  sight  of  folks  there,  gentlemen  and  ladies  in  the  public  room  (I 
never  seed  so  many  afore  except  at  commencement  day,)  all  ready  for  a 
start,  and  when  the  gong  sounded,  otf  we  sot  like  a  flock  of  sheep.  Well, 
if  there  warn't  a  jam  you  may  depend — some  one  give  me  a  pull,  and  I 
near  abouts  went  heels  up  over  head,  so  I  reach.^J  out  both  hands,  and 
caught  hold  of  the  first  thing  I  could,  and  what  ihould  it  be  but  a  lady's 
dress — well,  as  I'm  alive,  rip  went  the  frock,  r.^d  tear  goes  the  petticoat, 
and  when  I  righted  myself  from  my  beam  et.idp,  away  they  all  came  home 
to  me,  and  there  she  was,  the  pretty  critter,  with  all  her  upper  riggin  stand- 
ing hd  far  as  her  waist,  and  nothin  left  beiow  but  a  short  linen  under 
garment.  It  she  didn't  scream,  it's  a  pity,  and  th.T  more  she  screamed, 
the  folks  larfed,  for  no  soul  could  help  larfin,  till  one  of  the  waiters  fold- 
ed her  up  in  a  table  cloth. 

What  an  awkward  devil  you  be,  Sl'.ck,  says  the  major,  now  that  comes 
of  not  falling  in  first,  they  should  hava  formed  four  deep,  rear  rank  in  open 
order,  and  marched  in  to  our  splo'idid  national  air,  and  filed  off  to  their 
seats,  right  and  left  shoulders  forward.  I  feci  kinder  sorry,  too,  says  he, 
for  that  are  young  heifer,  but  she  showed  a  proper  pretty  leg  the'  Slick, 
didn't  she — I  guess  you  don't  often  get  such  a  chance  as  that  are.  Well, 
I  gets  near  the  major  at  table,  and  afore  me  stood  a  china  utensil  with  two 
handles,  full  of  soup,  about  the  size  of  a  foot  tub,  with  a  large  silver  scoop 
in  it,  near  about  as  big  as  a  ladle  of  a  maple  sugar  kettle.  I  was  jist  about 
bailing  out  some  soup  into  my  dish,  when  the  mrtjor  said,  fish  it  from  the 
bottom.  Slick, — well,  sure  enough,  I  gives  it  a  drag  from  the  bottom,  and 
up  come  the  fat  pieces  of  turtle,  and  the  iiiick  rich  soup,  and  a  sight  of 
littlo  forced  meat  balls,  of  the  size  of  sheep's  dung.  No  soul  could  tell 
how  good  it  was — it  was  near  about  as  handaum  as  father's  old  genuine 
particular  cider,  and  that  you  could  foel  tingle  clean  away  down  to  the  tip 
eends  of  your  toes  Now,  says  the  major,  I'll  give  you,  Slick,  a  new 
wrinkle  on  your  horn.  Folks  si.tt  thought  nothing  of,  unless  they  live  at 
Treemont :  it's  all  the  go.  Do  you  dine  at  Peep's  tavern  every  day,  and 
then  otf  hot  foot  to  Treemont,  and  pick  your  teeth  on  the  street  slops  there, 
And  folks  will  think  vou    loe  there.     I  do  it  often,  and  it  saves  two  dol- 


h       word. 


THE  CLOCKMAKBB's  OPINION  OF  HALIFAX. 


47 


lars  a  day.  Then  he  put  his  finger  on  his  nose,  and  sajis  he,  Mum  is  the 
word. 

Now  this  provivce  is  jist  hke  that  are  soup,  good  enough  at  top,  but 
dip  down  and  you  have  the  riches,  the  coal,  the  iron  ore,  the  gypsum,  and 
what  not.  As  for  HaUfax,  it's  well  enough  in  itself,  though  no  great  shakes 
^dittiei,  a  few  sizeahle  houses,  with  a  proper  sight  of  small  ones,  like  half 
a  dozen  old  hens  with  their  broods  of  young  chickens  ;  but  the  people, 
the  strange  critters,  they  are  all  asleep.  They  walk  in  their  sleep,  and 
talk  in  their  sleep,  and  what  they  say  one  day  they  forget  the  next,  they 
say  they  were  dreaming.  You  know  where  Governor  Campbell  lives,  don't 
you,  in  a  large  stone  house,  with  a  great  wall  round  it,  that  looks  like  a 
state-prison  ?  well,  near  hand  there  is  a  nasty  dirty  horrid  lookin  buryin 
ground  there — it's  filled  with  large  grave  rats  as  big  as  kittens,  and  the 
springs  of  black  water  there,  go  through  the  chinks  of  the  rocks,  and  flow 
into  all  the  wells,  and  fairly  pyson  the  folks — it's  a  dismal  place,  I  tell  you 
— I  wonder  the  air  from  it  don't  turn  all  the  silver  in  the  gineral's  house 
of  a  brass  colour,  (and  folks  say  he  has  four  cart  loads  of  it)  it's  so  ever- 
lastin  bad — it's  near  about  as  noisy  as  a  slave  ship  of  niggers.  Well,  you 
may  go  there  and  shake  the  folks  to  all  etarnity  and  you  won't  wake  'em, 
I  guess,  and  yet  there  aint  much  difference  atween  their  sle^p  and  the 
folks  "^t  Halifax,  only  they  lie  still  there  and  are  quiet,  and  don't  walk  and 
talk  in  their  sleep  like  them  above  ground. 

Halifax  reminds  r.ie  of  a  Russian  officer  I  oncb  seed  a\  Warsaw  ;  he 
had  lost  both  arms  in  battle  ;  but  I  guess  I  must  tell  you  first  why  I  went 
there,  cause  that  will  show  you  how  we  speculate.  One  Sabbath  day, 
after  bell  ringin,  when  most  of  the  women  had  gone  to  meetin  (for  they 
were  great  hands  for  pretty  sarmons,  and  our  Unitarian  ministers  all 
preach  poetry,  only  they  leave  the  rhyme  o\it — it  sparkles  like  perry,)  I  goes 
down  to  Ea<=t  India  wharf  to  see  Captain  Zeek  Hancock,  of  Nantucket,  to 
inquire  how  oil  was,  and  if  it  would  bea>-  doing  anything  in  ;  when  who 
should  come  along  but  Jabesh  Green.  Slick,  says  he,  now  do  you  do  : 
isn't  this  as  pretty  a  day  as  you'll  see  between  this  and  Norfolk  ;  it  whips 
English  weather  by  a  long  chalk  ;  and  then  he  looked  down  at  my  watch 
seals,  and  looked  and  looked  as  if  he  thought  I'd  stole  'em.  At  last  he 
looks  up,  and  says  he,  Slick,  I  suppose  you  wouldn't  go  to  Warsaw,  would 
vou,  if  it  was  made  worth  your  while  !  Which  Warsaw  1  says  I,  for  I 
believe  in  my  heart  we  have  a  hundred  of  them.  None  ol  ourn  at  all, 
says  he  ;  Warsaw  in  Poland,  Well,  I  don't  know,  says  I ;  what  do  you 
call  worth  while  1  Six  dollars  a  uay,  expenses  paid,  and  a  bonus  of  one 
thousand  dollars,  if  speculation  turns  out  well.  I  am  off,  says  I,  when- 
ever  you  say  go.  Tuesday,  says  he,  in  the  Hamburgh  packet.  Now, 
says  he,  I'm  in  a  tarnation  hurry  ;  I'm  goin  a  pleasurin  to-day  in  the  cus- 
tom house  boat,  along  with  Josiah  Bradford's  gals  down  to  Nahant.  But 
I'll  tell  you  what  I  am  at  :  the  Emperor  of  Russia  has  orderp''.  me  Poles 
to  cut  off  their  qutus  on  the  1st  of  January  ;  you  must  '^y  ihcm  all  up, 
and  ship  them  off  to  London  for  the  wig  makers.  H^man  hair  is  scarce 
and  risin.  Lord  a  mansy  !  says  I,  how  queer  tbcy  will  look,  won't  they. 
Well,  I  vow,  that's  what  the  sea  folks  call  sailmg  under  bare  Poles,  come 
true,  aim  if?  I  guesji  it  will  turn  out  a  good  spec,  says  he  ;  and  a  good 
one  it  did  turn  out — he  cleared  ten  Miousand  dollars  by  it. 

When  1  was  at  Warsaw,  as  I  was  a  sayin,  there  was  a  Russian  officer 
there  who  had  lost  both  his  arms  in  battle,  a  good-nature  J  contented  crit- 
ter, as  I  een  amost  ever  seed,  and  he  was  fen  with  spoons  by  his  neigh- 
bours, but  arter  a  while  they  grew  tired  of  it,  aud  I  gn.ess  he  near  about 


4d 


THE  CLOrUMAiCLn. 


\i. 


m 


I?  I'. 


if  ■ 


u 


starved  to  death  at  last.  Now  Halifax  is  like  that  are  Spoonci;,  as  I  used 
to  call  him  ;  it  is  fed  by  the  outports,  and  they  begin  to  have  enough  to 
do  to  feed  themselves — it  must  larn  to  live  without  'em.  They  have  no 
river,  and  no  country  about  them  ;  let  them  make  a  railroad  to  Minas 
Banin,  and  they  will  have  arms  of  their  own  to  feed  themselves  with.  If 
they  don't  do  it,  and  do  it  soon,  I  guess  they'll  get  into  a  decline  that  no 
human  skill  will  cure.  They  are  proper  thin  now ;  you  can  count  tlieir 
ribs  een  amost  as  far  as  you  can  see  them.  The  only  thing  that  will 
cither  make  or  save  Halifax  is  a  railroad  across  the  country  to  Bay  of 
Fundy. 

It  will  do  to  talk  of,  says  one  ;  you'll  see  it  some  day,  says  another  ; 
yes,  says  a  third,  it  will  come,  bvit  we  are  tc  young  yet. 

Our  old  minister  had  a  darter,  8  real  clevcr-looking  gal  as  you'd  see 
in  a  day's  ride,  and  she  had  two  or  three  offers  of  marriage  from  sponsible 
men  ;  most  particular  good  specs  ;  but  minister  always  said  "Phoebe,  you 
are  too  young — the  day  will  come — but  you  are  too  young  yet,  dear." 
Well,  Phoebe  didn't  think  so  at  all  ;  she  said,  she  guessed  she  knew 
better  nor  that ;  10  the  next  ofTor  she  had,  she  said  she  had  no  notion  to 
lose  another  chance — off  she  shot  to  Rhode  Island  and  got  married  ;  says 
she,  father's  too  old,  he  don't  know.  That's  jist  the  case  at  Halifax. 
The  old  folks  say  the  country  is  too  young ;  the  time  WAX  come,  and  so 
on  ;  and  in  the  mean  time  the  young  folks  won't  wait,  and  run  off  to  the 
states,  where  the  maxim  is,  ^'youfh  is  the  time  for  improvement ;  a  new 
country  is  never  too  young  for  exerdon — push  on^-keep  m,ovin—-go 
ahead.-" 

Darn  it  all,  said  the  Clorkmaker  rising  with  great  animation,  clinching 
his  fist,  and  extend.ng  his  arm  ;  darn  it  all,  it  fairly  makes  my  dander 
rise  to  8«e  the  nastj  idle  loungin  good  for  nothin  do-little  critters — they 
aint  fit  to  tend  a  bear  trap,  I  vow.  They  or.ghtto  be  quilted  round  and 
round  a  room,  like  a  lady's  lap  dog,  the  matter  of  two  hours  a  day,  to  keep 
them  from  dyin  of  apoplexy.  Hush,  hush,  said  I,  Mr.  Slick,  you  forget. 
Well,  said  he,  resuming  his  usual  composure — well,  it's  enough  to  make 
one  vexed  though,  I  declare — isn't  it  1 

Mr.  Slick  has  often  alluded  to  this  subject,  3nd  always  in  a  most  de- 
nided  manner ;  I  am  inclined  to  think  he  is  right.  Mr.  Howe's  papers 
on  the  railroad  I  read,  till  I  came  to  his  calculations,  but  I  never  could 
read  figures,  "  I  can't  cipher,"  and  there  1  paused  ;  it  was  a  barrier  :  I 
retreated  a  few  paces,  took  a  running  leap,  and  cleared  the  whole  of  them. 
Mr.  Slick  says  he  has  under  and  not  over  rated  its  advantages.  He  ap» 
pears  to  be  such  a  shrewd,  observing,  intelligent  man,  and  so  perfectly 
at  home  on  these  subjects,  that  I  confess  I  have  more  faith  in  this  humble 
but  eccentric  Clockmakcr,  than  in  any  other  man  I  have  met  with  in  this 
province.     I  therefore  pronounce  "  there  will  he  a  railroad." 


% 


i 


1 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

SAYINGS  AND  DOINGS  IN  GUMDERLAND 

t  rbckon,  said  the  Clockmaker,  as  we  strolled  through  Amherst,  you 
have  read  Hook's  story  of  the  boy  that  one  day  asked  one  of  his  father's 
guests  who  his  next  door  neighbour  was,  and  when  he  heerd  his  name, 
asked  him  if  he  warn't  a  fool.  No,  my  little  feller,  said  he,  he  beant  a 
fool,  he  is  a  most  particular  sensible  man  ;  but  why  did  you  ax  that  aro 
question  1     Why,  said  the    little  boy,  mother   said  tother  day  you  were 


SXYINGS  AND  DOINGS  IN  CUMBERLAND. 


4« 


oncy,  as  I  used 
lave  enough  to 
They  have  no 
oad  to  Minas 
selvea  with.  If 
lechne  that  no 
an  count  their 
iing  that  will 
try  to  Bay  of 

says  another  ; 

as  you'd  see 
from  sponsible 

"Phoebe,  you 
g  yet,  dear." 
sed  she  knew 
d  no  notion  to 
narried  ;  says 
se  at  Halifax, 
come,  and  so 
run  off  to  the 
tment ;  a  new 
p  movin—go 

ion,  clinching 
s  my  dander 
:ritters — they 
?d  round  and 
a  day,  to  keep 
k,  you  forget. 
Jugh  to  make 

n  a  most  de- 
owe's  papers 
[  never  could 
1  a  barrier  :  I 
hole  of  them. 
Tes.  He  ap- 
so  perfectly 
1  this  humble 
t  with  in  this 


Imherst,  you 
F  his  father's 
rd  his  name, 
he  beant  a 
u  ax  that  arc- 
lay  you  were 


jI.V 

I 
I 

1 

■f 

.4 


rtixt  door  to  a  fool,  and  I  wanted  to  know  who  lived  next  door  to  you. 
His  mother  felt  pretty  ugly,  I  guess,  when  she  heerd  him  run  right  slap 
on  that  are  breaker. 

Now  these  Cumberland  folks  have  curious  next-door  neighbours,  too ; 
they  arc  placed  by  theii  location  right  atwixt  fire  and  water ;  they  have 
New  Brunswick  politics  on  one  side,  and  Nov.i  Scotia  politics  on  tothef 
side  of  them,  and  Bay  Fundy  and  Bay  Varte  on  tother  two  sides ;  they 
are  actiily  in  hot  water ;  they  are  up  to  their  croopers  in  politics,  and 
great  hands  for  talking  of  house  of  assembly,  political  unions,  and  what 
not.  Like  all  folks  who  wade  so  deep  thty  can't  always  tell  the  natur  of 
the  ford.  Sometimes  they  strike  their  shins  agin  a  snag  of  a  rock  ;  at 
ether  times  they  go  whap  into  a  quicksand,  and  if  they  don't  take  special 
care  they  are  apt  to  go  souse  over  head  and  ears  into  deep  vmter.  I 
guess  if  they'd  talk  more  of  rotations,  and  less  of  elections,  more  of  the/n 
are  dykes,  and  less  of  banks,  and  attend  more  to  top-dressing  and  less 
to  re-dressinf    h  ed  be  better  for  'em. 

Now  you  m  .'Mi-n  the  subject,  1  think  I  have  observed,  said  I,  that  there 
rs  a  great  t'a.^r^.,  ],  vour  countrymen  in  that  respect.  Formerly,  when- 
ever you  . :.  .^r,  v.nerican,  you  had  a  dish  of  politics  set  before  yoa, 
whether  you  had  an  appetite  for  it  or  not-;  but  lately  I  have  remarked 
they  seldom  allude  to  it.  Pray  to  what  is  this  attributable  ?  I  guess, 
said  he,  they  have  enough  of  it  to  home,  and  aie  sick  of  the  subject. 
They  are  cured  the  way  our  pastry  cooks  cure  their  prentices  of  stealing 
sweet  notions  out  of  their  shops.  When  they  get  a  new  prentice  they 
t«Il  him  he  must  never  ^to  much  as  look  at  all  them  are  nice  things  ;  and 
if  he  dares  to  lay  the  weight  of  his  finger  upon  one  of  them,  they'll  have 
him  op  for  it  before  a  justice  ;  they  tell  him  it's  every  bit  and  grain  as  bad 
as  stealing  from  a  till.  Well,  that's  sure  to  set  him  at  it,  just  as  a  high 
fence  does  a  hreechy  ox,  first  to  look  over  it,  and  then  to  push  it  down 
with  its  rump  ;  its  human  natur.  Well,  the  boy  eats  and  eats  till  he  can't 
eat  no  longer,  and  then  he  gets  sick  at  his  stomach,  and  hates  the  vei-f 
sight  of  sweetmeats  arterward. 

We've  had  politics  with  "s  till  we  are  dog  sick  of  'em,  I  tell  yoo. 
Besides,  I  guess  we  are  v  '■  fzr  from   perfection  as  when  we  set  out  t 

•  rii,/  of  election,  but  how  are  you  to  get  puri- 
iltf  =  great  deal  <A'  ciphering  to  tell  that.     I 


roin  for  it.     You  may  ge^ 
ty  of  members  1     It  wc  -.^ 


.^' 


mjver  heerd  tell  of  or.,    vr  t.  r.i\-   s,-ed  it. 

The  best  member  I  e  ■*  ;;  •■m'.  i  v  n  seed  was  iohn  Adams.  Well,  John 
Adams  could  no  more  ploug:<  '  :Hrnight  futro'v  in  politics  than  he  could 
haul  the  plough  himself.  Hi'  i  ^at  set  out  straight  at  beginnin  for  a 
little  way,  but  he  was  sure  to  get  crooked  afore  he  got  to  the  ee.nd  of  the 
ridge — and  sometime  he  would  have  two  or  three  crooks  iu  it,  .'used 
to  say  to  him,  how  on  airth  is  it,  Mr.  Adams  (for  he  was  n^.  a  _  proud 
like,  though  he  was  president  of  our  great  nation,  and  it  is  allowed  to  b<;  ti;<t 
greatest  nation  in  the  world,  too  ;  for  you  might  see  him  sometimes  of  an 
arternoon  a  swimmin  along  with  the  boys  in  the  Potomac  ;  I  do  believe 
that's  the  way  he  lamed  to  give  the  folks  the  dodge  so  spry  ;)  well,  I  used 
to  say  to  him,  how  o^  lirth  is  it,  Mr.  Adams,  you  can't  makg  straight 
work  on  iti  He  was  u  i^  .aud  h.  nd  at  an  excuse  (though  minister  used  to 
say  that  folks  that  riiov:  f  .^ct'.  at  an  excuse,  were  seldom  good  for  nothin 
else) ;  sometimes,  he  ■■  .:  ".ne  ground  was  so  tarnation  stony,  it  throwed 
the  plough  out ;  at  otlit^r  limes,  he  said  the  off  ox  was  such  an  ugly 
wilful  tempered  critter,  there  was  no  doin  nothin  with  him  ;  or  that  there 
"-M8  so  much  machine- vabc at  the  plough,  it  made  it  plaguy  hard  t0  6,eer, 


ftO 


THE   CLOCKMAiCeR. 


1^' 


m'< 

W 


iii: 


I  tell  you.     Politics 
not  that  they  are  so 


or  may  be  it  was  the  fault  of  them  that  went  afore  hitr,  that  they  laid  it 
down  so  bad  ;  unless  he  was  hired  for  another  terir.  of  four  years,  the 
work  wouldn't  look  well ;  and  if  all  thpm  are  excused  wouldn't  do,  why 
ho  would  take  to  scolding  the  nigger  that  drove  the  team,  throw  all  the 
blame  on  him,  and  order  him  to  have  an  everlastin  lacin  with  the  cow- 
skin.  You  might  as  well  catch  a  weazel  asleep  as  catch  him.  He  had 
soinethin  the  matter  with  one  eye — well,  he  knew  I  know'd  that  when  he 
was  a  boy  ;  so  one  dny,  a  feller  presented  a  petition  to  him,  and  ho  told 
him  it  was  very  affectin.  Says  he,  it  fairly  draws  tears  from  me,  and 
his  weak  eye  took  to  leltin  off  its  water  like  statiee  ;  so  as  soon  as  the 
chap  went,  he  winks  to  me  with  tother  one,  quite  knowin,  as  much  as  to 
■ay,  you  see  ifs  all  in  my  eye.  Slick,  but  don't  let  on  to  any  one  about  it, 
that  I  said  so.  That  eye  was  a  regular  cheat,  a  complete  New  England 
wooden  nutmeg.  Folks  said  that  Mr.  Adams  was  a  very  tender  hearted 
man.  Perhaps  he  was,  but  I  gU'  hot  eye  didn't  pump  its  water  out 
o'  that  place. 

Members    in   general  ainl  to  be  u  A  on, 

makes  a  man  as  crooked  as  a  pack  doc  .  pcdier 
awful  heavy,  neither,  but  it  teaches  a  man  to  stoop  m  the  long  run.  Arter 
all,  there's  not  that  difference  in  'em  (at  least  there  ain't  in  congress) 
one  would  think  ;  for  if  one  of  them  is  clear  of  one  rice,  why,  as  like  aa 
not,  he  has  another  fault  jist  as  bad.  An  honest  farmer,  like  one  of  these 
Cumberland  folks,  when  he  goes  to  choo.se  atwixt  two  that  offers  for 
votes,  is  just  'ike  the  flying  fish.  That  are  little  critter  is  not  content 
to  stay  to  home  in  the  water,  and  mind  its  business,  but  he  must  try  his 
hand  at  flyin, — and  he  is  no  great  dab  at  flyin,  neither.  Well,  the  mo- 
ment he's  out  of  water,  and  takes  to  flyin,  the  sea  fowl  are  arter  him,  and 
let  ^im  have  it ;  and  if  he  has  the  good  luck  to  escape  them,  and  dive 
into  the  sea,  the  dolphin,  as  like  as  not,  has  a  dig  at  him,  that  knocks 
more  wind  out  of  him  than  he  got  while  aping  the  birds,  a  plaguy  sight. 
I  guess  the  blue-noses  know  jist  about  as  much  about  politics  as  this 
foolish  fish  knows  about  flyin.  All  critters  in  nater  are  better  in  their 
own  element. 

It  beats  cock-fightin,  I  tell  you,  to  hear  the  blue-noses,  when  they  get 
together,  talk  politics.  They  have  got  three  or  four  evil  spirits,  like  the 
Irish  Banshees,  that  they  say  cause  all  the  mischief  in  the  province — 
the  council,  thn  banks,  the  house  of  assembly,  and  the  lawyerb.  If  a 
man  places  a  higher  valiation  on  himself  than  his  neighbours  do,  and  wants 
to  be  a  magistrate  before  he  is  fit  to  carry  the  ink  horn  for  one,  and  finds 
himself  saiely  delivered  of  a  mistake,  he  says  it  is  all  owing  to  the  coun- 
cil. The  members  are  cunning  critters  too,  they  know  tnis  fcelin,  and 
when  they  come  home  from  assembly,  and  people  ax  'em,  where  are  all 
them  are  flne  things  you  promised  usi  Why,  they  say,  we'd  a  had  'em 
all  for  you,  but  for  that  elarnal  council,  they  nullifled  all  we  did.  The 
country  will  come  to  no  good  till  them  chaps  show  their  respect  for  it,  by 
covering  thoir  bottoms  with  homespun.  If  a  man  is  eo  tarnation  lazy  he 
wont  work,  and  in  course  has  no  money,  why,  he  says  it's  all  owin  to  the 
banks,  they  wont  discount,  i  .ere's  no  money,  they've  ruined  the  pro- 
vince. If  there  beant  a  road  made  up  to  every  citizen's  door,  away  back 
to  the  woods,  (who  as  like  as  not  has  squatted  there)  why,  he  says  the  ..^use 
of  assembly  have  voted  all  the  money  to  pay  great  men's  salaries,  and 
there's  nothing  left  for  poor  settlers  and  cross  roads.  Well,  the  lawyers 
come  in  for  theii  share  of  cake  and  ale,  too,  if  they  don't  catch  it,  it's  a 
pity-  ,  It*. 


m 


THB  DANCINO  MASTER  ABROAD. 


181 


they  laid  it 
r  years,  the 
I't  do,  why 
irow  all  the 
ih  the  cow- 

I.  He  had 
lat  when  he 
and  ho  told 
n  me,  and 
soon  as  the 
much  as  to 
lie  about  it, 
w  England 
Jer- hearted 
3  water  out 

.  Politics 
ihey  are  so 
un.  Arter 
1  congress) 
,  as  like  as 
ne  of  these 
otfers  for 
)t  content 
ust  try  his 

II,  the  mo- 
!r  him,  and 

and   dive 

lat  knocks 

guy  sight. 

cs  as  this 

in  their 

they  get 

like  the 

rovince — 

ers.     If  a 

tnd  wants 

and  finds 
the  coun- 
sclin,  and 
re  are  all 

had  'em 
id.     The 

for  it,  by 
n  lazy  he 
'in  to  the 

the  pro- 
vav  hack 
he  ..c>u8e 
ries,  and 

lawyers 


I 


Iv,. 


There  was  one  Jim  Munroe  of  Onion  County,  Connecticut,  a  desper- 
ate idle  fellow,  a  great  hand  at  singin  songs,  a  skatin,  drivin  about  with 
the  gals,  and  so  on.  Well,  if  any  body's  windows  were  broke,  it  was  Jim 
Munroe — and  if  there  were  any  youngsters  in  want  of  a  father,  they  were 
sure  to  be  poor  Jim's.  Jist  so  it  is  with  the  lawyers  here  ;  they  stand 
godfathers  for  every  misfortune  that  happens  in  the  country.  When 
there  is  a  mad  dog  a  goin  about,  every  dog  that  barks  is  said  to  be  bit  by 
the  maJ  one,  so  he  gets  credit  for  all  the  mischief  that  every  dog  does  for 
three  months  to  come.  So  every  feller  that  goes  yelpin  home  from  a  court 
house,  smaitin  from  the  law,  swears  he  is  bit  by  a  lawyer.  Now  there 
may  be  something  wrong  in  all  these  things,  (and  it  can't  be  otherwise  in 
natur)  in  council,  banks,  house  of  assembly,  and  lawyers  :  but  change 
them  all,  and  it's  an  even  chance  if  you  don't  get  worse  ones  in  their  room. 
It  is  in  politics  as  in  horses  ;  when  a  man  has  a  beast  that's  near  about 
UT  to  the  notch,  he'd  better  not  swap  him  ;  if  he  does,  he's  een  amost 
sure  to  get  one  not  so  good  as  his  own.  My  rule  is,  Fd  rather  keep  a 
critter  whose  faults  I  do  know,  than  change  him/or  a  beast  whose  faults  I 
don't  know. 


CHAPTER  XV. 
THE   D.WCING  MASTER  ABROAD. 

I  WISH  that  are  black  heifer  in  the  kitchen  would  give  over  singing  that 
arc  everlastin  dismal  tune,  said  the  Ciockmaker,  it  makes  my  head  ache. 
You've  heerd  a  song  afore  now,  said  he,  havn't  you,  till  you  was  fairly 
sick  of  it  ?  for  I  have,  I  vow.  The  last  time  I  war  in  Rhode  Island 
(all  the  gals  sing  there,  and  it's  generally  allowed  there  s  no  such  singers 
anywhere  ;  they  beat  the  £yetalians  a  long  chalk — they  sing  so  high 
some  on  'em,  they  go  clear  out  o'  hearin  sometimes,  like  a  lark,)  well,  you 
heerd  nothing  but "  Oh  no,  we  never  mention  her  ;"  well,  I  grew  so  plaguy 
tired  of  it,  I  used  to  say  to  myself,  I'd  sooner  see  it  than  heer  tell  of  it,  I 
vow  ;  I  wish  to  gracious  you  would  never  mention  her,  for  it  makes  me 
feel  ugly  to  hear  that  same  thing  for  ever  and  ever  and  amen  that  way. 
Well,  they've  got  a  cant  phrase  here,  "  the  schoolmaster  is  abroad,"  aiid 
every  feller  tells  you  that  fifty  times  a  day. 

There  was  a  chap  said  to  me  not  long  ago  at  Truro,  Mr.  Slick,  this 
country  is  rapidly  improving,  "  the  schoolmaster  is  abroad  now,"  and  he 
looked  as  knowin  as  though  he  had  found  a  mare's  nest.  So  I  should 
think,  said  I,  and  it  would  jist  be  about  as  well,  I  guess,  if  he'd  stay  to 
home  and  .mind  his  business,  for  your  folks  are  so  consoomedly  itrnoranl, 
I  reckon  he's  abroad  een  amost  all  his  time.  I  hope,  when  he  returns, 
he'll  be  the  better  of  his  travels,  and  that's  more  nor  many  of  our  young 
folks  are  who  go  r.broad,  for  they  import  more  airs  and  nonsense  Ihan  they 
dispose  of  one  while,  I  tell  you — some  of  the  stock  remains  on  hand  all 
the  rest  of  their  lives.  There's  nothin  I  hate  so  much  as  cant,  of  all 
kinds  ;  it's  a  sure  sign  of  a  trickly  disposition.  If  you  see  a  feller  cant  in 
religion,  clap  your  hand  into  your  pocket,  and  lay  right  hold  of  your  puss, 
or  he'll  steal  it,  as  sure  as  you're  alive  ;  and  if  a  man  cant  in  politics,  he'll 
sell  you  if  he  gets  a  chance,  you  may  depend.  Law  and  physic  are  jist 
the  same,  and  every  mile  ai  d  morsel  as  bad.  If  a  lawyer  takes  to  cantin, 
it's  like  the  fox  preachin  to  tLe  eeese,  he'll  cat  up  his  whole  congregation  ; 
»nd  if  a  doctor  takes  to  it  he's  a  quack  as  sure  as  rales.  The  Lord  have 
massy  on  you,  for  he  won't.     I'd  sooner  trust  my  chance  with  a  naked 


iff    t 


Mv  ! 


aa 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


Iiook  any  time,  than  one  that's  half-coverpd  with  bad  bait.  The  fish  will 
•omeiimea  swallow  the  one,  without  thinkin,  but  they  get  frightened  at 
tnther,  turn  tail,  and  oiT  like  a  shot. 

Now,  to  change  the  tune,  I'll  give  tl>e  blue-noses  a  new  phrase.  They'H 
have  an  election  moat  likely  next  year,  and  then  the  dancin  master  will 
be  abroad.  A  candidate  is  a  most  particular  polite  manr  and  a  noddin  here^ 
and  a  bowin  there,  and  a  shakin  hands  all  round.  Nothin  improves  a 
man's  manners  like  an  election.  The  dancin  master's  abroad  then  f 
notiiin  gives  the  paces  equal  to  that,  it  makes  them  as  squirmy  as  an  eel  j 
they  cross  h:mds  and  back  agin,  set  to  their  partners  and  right  and  left  in 
great  style,  and  slick  it  ofT  at  the  eend,  with  a  real  complete  bow,  and  a 
smile  for  all  the  world  as  sweet  as  a  cat  n\akes  at  a  {tan  of  new  milk. 
Then  they  get  as  full  of  compliments  as  a  dog  is  full  of  fleas — inquirin 
how  the  old  lady  is  to  home,  and  the  little  boy  that  made  such  a  wonder- 
ful smart  answer,  they  never  can  fc»get  it  till  next  time  ;  a  praisin  a  man's 
farms  ta  the  nines,  and  a  teHin  of  hint  how  scandalous  the  road  that  leads 
to  his  location  hais  been  neglected,  and  huw  much  he  wants  to  find  a  real 
complete  hand  that  can  build  a  bridge  over  his  brook,  and  axin  him  if  he 
ever  built  one.  When  he  gets  the  hook  baited  witli  the  right  fly,  and 
and  the  simple  critter  begins  to  jump  out  of  water  arter  it,  all  mouth  and 
gills,  he  winds  up  the  reel,  and  takes  leave,  athinkin  to  himself,  now  you 
see  what's  to  the  eend  of  my  line,  I  guess  I'll  know  where  to  find  you 
when  I  want  you. 

There's  no  sort  of  fishin  rct^uires  sa  much  practice  as  this.  When 
bait  is.  scarce,  one  worm  must  answer  tor  several  fish.  A  handful  of  oats 
in  a  pan,  arter  it  brings  one  horse  up  in  a  pasture  for  the  bridle,  serves 
for  another ;  a  shakin  of  it,  i»  better  than  a  given  of  it — it  saves  the  grain 
foi  another  time.  It's  a  poor  business  arter  all,  is  electioneering,  and 
whfa.i  the  dancin  master  is  abroad,  he's  as  apt  to  teach  a  man  to  cut  ca- 
pers and  get  larfed  at  as  anything  else.  It  aint  every  one  that's  soople 
enough  to  dance  real  complete.  Politics  takes  a  great  deal  of  time,  and 
grijids  away  a  man^s  honesty  near  about  as  .ast  as  cleaning  a  knife  with  brich 
dust,  it  takes  its  steel  out.  What  does  a  critter  get  arter  all  for  it  in  this 
country,  why  nothin  but  expense  and  disappointment.  As  King  Solomon 
says,  (and  that  arc  man  was  up»  to  a  thing  or  two,  you  may  depend,  tho' 
our  profe.<«sor  did  say  he  warn't  so  knowin  as  Uncle  Sam,)  it'»  all  vanity 
and  vexation  of  spirit. 

I  raised  a  foui  year  old  colt  once,  half  blood,  a  perfect  pictur  of  a 
horse,  and  a  genuine  clipper,  could  gallop  like  the  wind  ;  a  real  daisy,  a 
perfect  doll,  had  an  eye  like  a  weazel,  and  nostril  like  Commodore 
Rogers's  speaking  trumpet.  Well,  I  took  it  down  to  the  races  at  New 
York,  and  father  he  went  along  with  me  ;  for,  says  he,  Sam,  you  don't 
know  everything,  I  guess,  you  haven't  cut  your  wisdom  teeth  yet,  and  you 
are  goin  among  them  that's  had  'em  through  their  gums  this  while  past. 
Well,,  when  we  gets  to  the  races,  father  he  gets  colt  and  puts  him 
in  an  old  wagon,  with  a  worn-out  Dutch  harness  and  breast  band  ;  ho 
looked  like  Old  Nick,  that's  a  fact.  Then  he  fastened  a  head  martin- 
gale on,  and  buckled  it  to  the  girths  atwixt  his  fore  legs.  Says  I,  father, 
what  on  airth  arc  you  at  1  I  vow  I  feel  ashamed  to  be  seen  with  such 
a  catamaran  as  that,  and  colt  looks  like  old  Saytan  himself — no  soul 
would  know  him.  I  guess  I  warn't  born  yesterday,  says  he,  let  me  be, 
I  know  what  I  am  at.  I  guess  I'll  slip  it  into  'em  afore  I've  done,  as 
slick  as  a  whistle.  I  guess  I  can  see  as  far  into  a  millstone  as  the  best 
on  'em. 


rhe  fish  will 
tightened  at 

le.     They'H 
master  wiU 
noddin  here^ 
improves  a 
>road  them 
f  as  an  eel ; 
t  and  left  in 
bow, and  a 
new  milk. 
18 — inquirin 
1  a  wonder- 
isin  a  man's 
1  that  leads 
I-  find  a  real 
n  him  if  he 
jht  fly,  and 
mouth  and 
If,  now  you 
o   find  you 

s.  When 
Iful  of  oats 
die,  serves 
s  the  grain 
lering,  and 
to  cut  ca- 
t's soople 

time,  and 
with  brich 
r  it  in  this 

Solomon 
lend,  tho' 
all  vanity 

ictur  of  a 

daisy,  a 
mmodore 
s  at  New 
you  don't 

and  you 
lile  past. 
)ut8  him 
)and  ;  he 

martin- 
,  (ather, 
ith  such 
-no  soul 

me  be, 
lone,  as 
the  best 


.'s* 

n 


^ 


■i 
i 


TttS  DANCING   MASTBR    ABROAD.  8 

Well,  father  never  entered  the  horse  at  all,  but  stood  by  and  seed  the 
races,  and  the  winnin  hurae  was  followed  about  by  the  matter  of  two  or 
three  thousand  people  a  praisin  of  him  and  admirin  him.  They  seemed 
as  if  they  never  had  seed  a  horse  afore.  The  owner  of  him  was  all  up 
on  eend  a  boastin  of  him,  and  a  stumpin  the  course  to  produce  a  horso 
to  run  agin  him  for  four  hundred  dollars.  Father  goes  up  to  him,  look- 
in  as  soft  as  dough,  and  as  meechin  as  you  please,  and  says  he,  friend, 
it  aint  every  one  that  has  four  hundred  dollars-— it's  a  plaguy  sight  of 
money,  I  tell  you ;  would  you  run  for  one  hundred  dollars,  and  give  me 
a  little  start  ?  if  you  would,  I'd  try  my  colt  out  of  my  old  wagon  agin 
you,  I  vow.  Let's  look  at  your  horse,  says  he  ;  so  away  they  went,  and 
a  proper  sight  of  people  arter  them  to  look  at  colt,  an^  when  they  seed  him 
they  sot  up  such  a  larf,  I  felt  een  a  most  ready  to  cry  for  spite.  Says  I  to 
myself,  what  can  possess  the  old  man  to  act  arter  that  fashion  ;  I  do  be- 
lieve he  has  taken  leave  of  his  senses.  You  needn't  larf,  says  father, 
he's  smarter  thri  he  looks ;  our  minister's  old  horse.  Captain  Jack,  is 
reckoned  as  quick  a  beast  of  his  age  as  any  in  our  location,  and  that  are 
colt  can  beat  him  for  a  lick  of  a  quarter  of  a  mile  quite  easy — I  seed  it 
myself.  Well,  they  larfed  i^iii  louder  than  before,  and  says  father,  if 
you  dispute  my  word,  try  mo  ;  what  odds  will  you  give  1  Two  to  one, 
says  the  owner — 800  to  400  dollars.  Well,  that's  a  great  deal  of  mo- 
ney, aint  it,  says  father ;  if  I  were  to  lose  it,  I'd  look  pretty  foolish, 
wouldn't  I.  How  folks  would  pass  their  jokes  at  me  when  I  went  home 
ngm.  You  wouldn't  take  that  are  wagon  and  harness  for  fifty  dollars  of  it, 
would  you  1  says  he.  Well,  says  the  other,  sooner  than  disappoint  you, 
as  you  seem  to  have  set  your  mind  on  losing  your  money,  I  don't  care  if 
I  do. 

As  soon  as  it  was  settled,  father  drives  off  to  the  stables,  and  then  re- 
turns mounted,  with  a  red  silk  pocket  handkerchief  tied  round  his  head, 
and  colt  a  looking  like  himself,  as  proud  as  a  nabob,  chock  full  of  spring 
like  the  wiro  eend  of  a  bran  new  pair  of  trouser  gallusses — one  said,  that's 
a  plaguy  iiice-lookin  colt  that  old  feller  has  arter  all ;  that  horse  will 
show  play  for  it  yet,  says  a  third  ;  and  I  hcerd  otic  feller  say,  I  guess 
that's  a  regular  yankec  trick,  a  complete  take  in.  They  had  a  fair  start 
for  it,  and  oflf  they  sot,  father  '  "^ok  the  lead  and  kept  it,  and  won  the 
race,  though  it  was  a  pretty  tigi.t  scratch,  for  father  was  too  old  to  ride 
colt,  he  was  near  about  the  matter  of  seventy  years  old. 

Well,  when  the  colt  was  walked  round  after  the  lace,  there  was  ait 
amazin  crowd  arter  him,  and  several  wanted  to  buy  him ;  but  says  fa- 
ther, how  am  I  to  get  home  without  him,  and  what  shall  I  do  with  that 
are  wagon  and  harness  so  far  as  I  be  from  Slickville?  So  he  kept  them  in  talk 
till  he  felt  their  pulse  pretty  well,  and  at  last  he  closed  with  a  southerner 
for  700  dollars,  and  we  returned,  having  made  a  considerable  good  spec  of 
colt.  Says  fB.ther  to  me,  Sam,  says  he,  you  seed  tho  crowd  a  foUerin? 
the  winnin  horse,  when  we  came  there,  didn't  you  T  Yes,  sir,  said  I, 
I  did.  Well,  when  colt  beat  him,  no  one  fullered  him  at  all,  but  come 
and  crowded  about  him.  That's  popularity,  said  he,  soon  won,  soon  lost; 
cried  up  sky  high  one  minute  and  deserted  the  next,  or  run  down ;  colt 
will  share  the  same  fate.  He'll  get  beat  afore  long,  and  then  he's  done 
for.  The  multitude  are  always  fickle-minded.  Our  great  Washington 
found  that  out,  and  the  British  oflicer  that  beat  Buonaparte  ;  the  bread 
they  gave  him  turned  sour  afore  he  got  half  through  the  loaf  His  soap 
had  hardly  stiSened  afore  it  ran  right  back  to  lye  and  grease  agin. 

I  was  served  the  same  way  ;  I  liked  to  have  missed  my  pension — the 

E  2 


54 


THE   CLOCKHArSR. 


committee  said  I  warn't  at  Bunker's  hill  at  all,  the  villains.    That  vtras ' 

a  glo ,  (thinks  I,  old  boy,  if  you  once  get  into  thai  are  field,  you'll 

race  longer  than  colt  a  plaguy  sight ;  you'll  run  clear  away  to  the  fence, 
to  the  far  eend  afore  you  stop,  so  I  jist  cut  in  and  took  a  hand  myself) 
Yes,  says  I,  you  did  'em,  father,  properly  ;  that  old  wagon  was  a  bright 
scheme,  it  letl  'em  on  '.ill  you  got  'em  on  the  right  spot,  didn't  iti  Says 
father,  There's  a  morale  Sam,  in  every  thing  in  na/ur.  Never  have  no- 
thin  to  do  with  elections,  you  see  the  valy  of  popularity  in  the  case  of 
that  are  horse — sarve  the  public  999  times,  and  the  1000th,  if  they  don't 
agree  with  you,  they  desart  and  abuse  you — see  how  they  sarved  old 
John  Adams,  see  how  they  let  Jefferson  starve  in  his  old  age,  see  how 
good  old  Monroe  like  to  have  got  right  hito  jail  after  his  term  of  presl- 
uent  was  up.  They  may  talk  of  independence,  says  father,  but,  Sam,  I'll 
tell  you  what  independence  is — and  he  gave  his  hands  a  s'.ap  agin  his 
trousers  pocket,  and  made  the  gold  eagles  he  won  at  the  race  all  jitigle 
agin — that,  says  he,  givin  them  another  wipe  with  his  fist,  and  winkin. 
as  much  as  to  say,  do  you  hear  that,  my  boy,  that  I  call  independence-, 
He  was  in  great  spirits,  the  old  man,  he  was  so  proud  of  winnin  the  race, 
and  puttin  the  leak  into  the  New  Yorkers — he  looked  all  dander.  Let 
them  hungry,  ill-favoured,  long-legged  bitterns,  says  he,  (only  he  called 
them  by  another  name,  that  don't  sound  quite  so  pretty,)  from  the  out- 
landish states  to  congress,  talk  about  independence  ;  but,  Sam,  said  he, 
hitting  the  shiners  agin  till  he  made  them  dance  right  up  an  eend  in  his 
pocket,  I  like  to  feel  it. 

No,  Sam,  said  he,  line  the  pocket  well  first,  make  that  independent, 
and  then  the  spirit  will  be  like  a  horse  turned  out  to  grass  in  the  spring, 
for  the  first  time ;  he's  all  head  and  tail,  a  snortin  and  kickin  and  racin 
and  carrying  on  like  mad — it  soon  gita  independent  too.  While  it's  in 
the  stall  it  may  hold  up,  and  paw,  and  whiner,  and  feel  as  wpry  as  any- 
thing, but  the  leather  strap  keeps  it  to  the  manger,  and  the  lead  weight 
to  the  eend  of  it  makes  it  hold  down  its  he^d  at  last.  No,  says  he,  here's 
independence,  and  he  gave  the  eagles  such  a  drive  with  his  fist,  he  bust, 
his  pocket,  and  sent  a  whole  raft  of  them  a  spinnin  down  his  leg  to  the 

! [round.  Says  I,  father,  (and  I  swear  I  could  hardly  keep  from  larfin,  he 
ooked  so  peskily  vexed)  father,  says  I,  I  guess  there's  a  moral  in  that 
are  too  ;  Extremes  nary  way  are  none  o'  the  best.  Well,  well,  says  he, 
(kinder  snappishly)  I  suppose  you're  half  right,  Sam,  but  we've  said 
enough  about  it,  let's  drop  the  subject  and  see  if  I  have  picked  'em  all 
up,  for  my  eyes  are  none  of  the  best  now,  I'm  near  hand  to  seventy. 


>i 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

MR.  SLICK'S  OPINION  OF  THE  BRITISH. 
What  success  had  you,  said  I,  in  the  sale  of  your  clocks  among  the 
Scotch  in  the  eastern  part  of  the  province  T  do  you  find  them  as  gullible 
as  the  blue-noses  1  Well,  said  he,  you  have  heerd  tell  that  a  Yankee 
never  answers  one  question  without  axing  another,  haven't  you  1  Did 
you  ever  see  an  English  stage  driver  make  a  bow  ]  because  if  you  haven't 
observed  it,  I  have,  and  a  queer  one  it  is,  I  swan.  He  brings  his  right 
arm  up,  jist  across  his  face,  and  passes  on,  with  a  knownin  nod  of  nis 
head,  •■  much  as  to  say,  how  do  you  do  :  but  keep  clear  o'  my  wheels, 
or  I'l  *'otch  your  horses  a  lick  in  the  mouth  as  sure  as  you're  born  ;  jist 
as  a  uasr  puts  up  his  paw  to  fend  off  the  blow  of  a  stick  from  his  none. 


I' 


VR.  slick's  opinion  or  THE  BRITISH. 


60 


Well,  that's  the  way  I  pass  them  are  bare-breeched  ScotchmGTi.  Lord, 
if  they  were  located  down  in  these  here  Cumberland  mashes,  how  the 
musquitocs  would  tickle  them  up,  wouldn't  they '!  They'd  set  'em 
scratchin  thereabouts,  as  an  Irishman  does  his  head,  when  he's  in  sarch 
of  a  lie.  Them  are  fellers  cut  their  eye  teeth  afore  they  ever  sot  foot  in 
this  couBlry,  I  expect.  When  they  get  a  bawbee,  they  know  what  to  do 
with  it,  that's  a  fact,  they  open  their  pouch  and  drop  it  in,  and  it's  got  a 
spring  like  a  fox-trap ;  it  holds  fast  to  all  it  gets,  like  grim  death  to  a 
dead  nigger.  They  are  proper  skinflints,  you  may  depend.  Oatmeal 
is  no  great  shakes  at  beat ;  it  aint  even  as  good  for  a  horse  as  real  yal- 
ler  Varginy  corn,  but  I  guess  I  warn't  long  in  finding  out  that  the  grits 
hardly  pay  for  the  riddlin.  No,  a  Yankee  has  as  little  chance  among  them 
as  a  jew  has  in  New  £ngland  ;  the  sooner  he  clears  out  the  better.  You 
can  no  more  put  a  loake  into  them,  than  you  can  send  a  chissel  into 
Teake-wood  ;  it  turns  the  edge  of  the  tool  the  first  drive.  If  the  blue- 
noses  knew  the  value  of  money  as  well  as  they  do,  they'd  have  more 
cash,  and  fewer  clocks  and  tin  reflectors,  I  reckon. 

Now,  its  different  with  the  Irish  ;  they  never  carry  a  puss,  for  they 
never  have  a  cent  to  put  in  it.  They  are  always  in  love  or  in  liquor,  or 
else  in  a  row  ;  they  are  the  merriest  shavers  I  ever  seed.  Judge  Beeler, 
I  dare  .say  you  have  heerd  tell  of  him — he's  a  funny  feller — he  put  a 
notice  over  his  factory  gate  at  Lowell,  •'  no  cigars  or  Irishmen  admitted 
within  these  walls  ;"  for,  said  he,  the  one  will  set  a  flame  agoin  among 
my  cottons,  and  t'other  my  gals.  I  won't  have  no  such  inflammable  and 
dangerous  things  about  me  on  no  account.  When  the  British  wanted 
our  folks  to  join  in  the  treaty  to  chock  the  wheels  of  the  slave  trade,  I 
recollect  hearin  old  John  Adams  say,  we  ought  to  humour  them ;  for, 
says  he,  they  supply  us  with  labour  on  easier  terms,  by  shippin  out  the 
Irish.  Says  he,  they  work  better,  and  they  work  cheaper,  and  they  don't 
live  so  long.  The  blacks,  when  they  are  past  work,  hang  on  for  ever, 
and  a  proper  bill  of  expense  they  be  ;  but  hot  weather  and  new  rum  rub 
out  the  poor  rates  for  toiher  ones. 

The  English  are  the  boys  for  tiadin  with  ;  they  shell  out  their  cash 
like  a  sheaf  of  wheat  in  frosty  weather  :  it  flies  all  over  the  thrashin  floor; 
but  then  they  are  a  cross  grained,  ungainly,  kickin  breed  of  cattle,  as  I 
een  amost  ever  seed.  Whoever  gave  them  the  name  of  John  Bull,  knew 
what  he  was  about,  I  tell  you  ;  for  they  are  all  bull-necked,  bull-headed 
folks,  I  vow  ;  sulky,  ugly  tempered,  vicious  critters,  a  pawin  and  a 
roarin  the  whole  time,  and  plaguy  onsafe  unless  well  watched.  They 
are  as  headstrong  as  mules,  and  as  conceited  as  peacocks. 

The  astonishment  with  which  I  heard  this  tirade  against  my  country- 
men, absorbed  every  feeling  of  resentment.  I  listened  with  amazement 
at  the  perfect  composure  with  which  he  uttered  it.  He  treated  it  as  one 
of  those  self-evident  truths,  that  need  neither  proof  nor  apology,  but  as  a 
thing  well  known  and  admitted  by  all  mankind. 

There's  no  richer  sight  that  I  know  of,  said  he,  than  to  see  one  on 
'em  when  he  first  lands  in  one  of  our  great  cities.  He  swells  out  as  big 
as  a  balloon,  his  skin  is  ready  to  burst  with  wind — a  regular  walking  bag 
of  gas  ;  and  he  prances  over  the  pavement  like  a  bear  over  hot  iron — a 
great  awkward  hulk  of  a  feller,  (for  they  aint  to  be  compared  to  the  French 
in  manners)  a  smirkin  at  you,  as  much  as  to  say,  look  here,  Jonathan, 
here's  an  Englishman  ;  here's  a  boy  that's  got  blood  as  pu'e  as  a  Nor- 
man pirate,  and  lots  of  the  bluut  of  both  kinds,  a  pocket  full  of  one,  and 
a  mouthful  of  tother :  beant  he  lovely  1  and  then  he  looks  as  fierce  aa  a 
tiger,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  say  boo  to  a  goose,  if  you  dare." 


66 


THB  CLOCKMAKBIt. 


I  I:  .   I  ( 


:i   . 


No,  I  believe  we  may  ktump  the  univarse  ;  wo  improve  on  every  thing, 
and  wc  have  improved  un  our  own  species.  You'll  sarch  one  while,  I 
tell  you,  afore  you'll  find  a  man  that,  take  him  l>y  and  large,  is  equal  to 
one  of  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens.  He's  the  chap  that  has  both 
speed,  wind,  and  bottom  ;  he's  a  clear  grit — ginger  to  the  back  bone,  you 
may  dopend.  It's  generally  allowed  there  aint  the  beat  of  them  to  be 
found  any  where.  Spry  as  a  fox,  supple  as  nn  eel,  and  cute  as  a  weazel. 
Though  I  say  it,  that  shouldn't  say  it,  they  fairly  take  the  shine  oir  urea* 
tion — they  are  actilly  equal  to  cash. 

He  looked  like  a  man  who  felt  that  he  had  expressed  himself  so  aptly 
and  80  well,  that  anything  additional  would  only  weaken  its  effect ;  he 
therefore  clianged  the  conversation  immediately,  by  pointing  to  a  tree  at 
some  little  distance  from  the  house,  and  remarking  that  |it  was  the  rock 
maple  or  sugar  tree.  It's  a  pretty  tree,  said  he,  and  a  profitable  one  toa 
to  raise.  It  will  bear  tapping  for  many  years,  tho'  it  gets  exhausted  at 
last. 

This  province  is  like  that  arc  tree  :  it  is  tapped  till  it  begins  to  die  at 
the  top,  and  if  they  don't  drive  in  a  spile  and  stop  the  cverlastin  fiow  of 
sap,  it  will  perish  all  together.  All  the  money  that's  made  here,  all  the 
interest  that's  paid  ou  it,  and  a  pretty  considerable  portion  of  ren>  too, 
all  goes  abroad  for  investment,  and  the  rest  is  sent  to  us  to  buy  bread. 
It's  drained  like  a  l>og,  it  has  opened  and  covered  trenches  all  through  it, 
and  then  there's  others  to  the  foot  of  the  upland  to  cut  ofl'  the  springs. 

Now  you  may  make  even  a  bog  too  dry  ;  you  may  take  the  moisture 
out  to  that  degree,  that  the  very  site  becomes  dust,  and  blow  away.  The 
English  funds,  and  our  banks,  railroads,  and  canals,  are  a!!  absording  your 
capital  like  a  sponge,  and  will  lick  it  up  as  fast  as  you  v^an  make  it. 
That  very  bridge  we  heerd  of  at  Windsor,  is  owned  in  New  Brunswick, 
and  will  p<iy  toll  to  that  province.  The  capitalists  of  Nova  Scotia  treat 
it  like  a  hired  house,  they  won't  keep  it  in  repair ;  they  neither  paini  it 
to  preserve  the  boards,  nor  stop  a  leak  to  keep  the  frame, from  rottin  ;  but 
let  it  go  to  wrack  sooner  than  drive  a  nail  or  put  in  a  pane  of  glass.  It 
will  sarve  our  turn  out  they  say. 

There's  neither  spirit,  enterprise,  nor  patriotism  here ;  but  the  whole 
country  is  as  inactive  as  a  bear  in  winter,  that  does  nothin  but  scroutch 
up  in  his  den,  a  thinkin  to  himself,  "  Well,  if  I  aint  an  unfortunate  divil, 
it's  a  pity  ;  I  have  a  most  splendid  warm  coat  as  are  a  gentleman  in  these 
here  woads,  let  him  be  who  he  will ;  but  I  got  no  socks  to  my  feet,  and 
have  to  sit  for  everlastingly  a  suckin  of  my  paws  to  keep  'em  warm  ;  if  it 
warn't  for  that,  I  guess  I'd  make  some  o'  them  chaps  that  have  hoofs  to 
their  feet  and  horns  to  their  heads,  look  about  them  pretty  sharp,  I  know. 
It's  dismal,  now  aint  if?"  If  I  had  the  framin  of  the  governor's  message, 
if  I  wouldn't  show  'em  how  to  put  timber  together  you  may  depend  ;  I'd 
make  them  scratch  their  heads  and  stare,  I  know. 

I  went  down  to  Matanzas  in  the  Fulton  steamboat  once — well  it  was 
the  first  of  the  kind  they  ever  seed,  and  proper  scared  they  were  to  see  a 
vessel  without  sails  or  oars,  goin  right  straight  ahead,  nine  knots  an  hour, 
in  the  very  wind's  eye,,  and  a  great  streak  of  smoke  arter  her  as  long  as 
the  tail  of  a  comet.  I  believe  they-  thought  it  was  Old  Nick  alive,  a 
trcatin  himself  to  a  swim.  You  could  see  the  niggers  clippin  it  away 
from  the  shore  for  dear  life,  and  the  soldiers  a  movin  about  as  if  they 
thought  that  we  were  agoin  to  take  the  whole  country.  Presently  a  little, 
half-starved,  orange  coloured  looking  Spanish  officer,  all  dressed  off  in  his 
livery,  as  fine  as  a  fiddle,  came  off  with  two  men  in  a  boat  to  board  us. 


MR.  SLtCK'a  OPINION  OF  THR  BRITISH. 


67 


Well,  we  yawed  once  or  twice,  and  motioned  to  him  to  keep  ofT  for  fear 
ho  should  gel  hurt ;  but  he  came  right  on  afore  the  wheel,  and  I  hope  I 
may  be  shot  if  the  paddle  didn't  strike  the  bow  of  the  boat  with  that  force, 
it  knocked  up  the  starn  hke  a  plank  tilt,  when  one  of  the  boys  playing  on 
it  is  heavier  than  t'other,  and  chucked  him  right  atop  of  tho  wheel  houso — 
you  never  seed  a  fellow  in  such  a  dunderment  in  your  life.  He  had  picked 
up  a  little  Englinh  from  scein  our  folks  there  so  much,  and  when  he  got 
up,  the  first  thing  he  said  was,  "  Damn  all  sheenery,  I  say,  where's  my 
boat !"  and  he  looked  round  as  if  he  thought  it  had  jumped  on  board  too. 
Your  boat,  said  the  captain,  why  I  expect  it's  gone  to  the  bottom,  and 
your  men  have  gone  down  to  look  frter  it,  for  we  never  seed  or  hecrd  tell 
of  one  or  t'other  of  them  arter  the  boat  was  struck.  Yes,  I'd  make  'em 
stare  like  that  are  Spanish  officer,  as  if  they  had  seed  out  of  their  eyes 
for  the  first  time.  Governor  Campbell  didn't  expect  to  see  such  a  country 
as  this  when  he  came  here,  I  reckon,  I  know  he  didn't. 

When  I  was  a  little  hoy,  about  a  knee  high  or  so,  and  lived  down  Con- 
necticut river,  mother  used  to  say,  Sam,  if  you  don't  give  over  acting  so 
like  old  Scratch,  I'll  send  you  oflfto  Nova  Scotia,  as  sure  as  you  are  born, 
I  will,  I  vow.  Well,  Lord,  how  that  are  used  to  frighten  me  ;  it  made 
my  hair  stand  right  up  on  eend,  like  a  cat's  back  when  she's  wrathy  ;  it 
made  me  drop  it  an  quick  as  wink — like  a  tin  night  cap  put  on  a  dipped 
candle  agoin  to  bed,  it  put  the  fun  right  out.  Neighbour  Dearborn's 
darter  married  a  gentleman  to  Yarmouth,  that  speculates  in  the  smuggling 
line  :  well,  when  she  went  on  board  to  sail  down  to  Nova  Scotia,  all  her 
folks  took  on  as  if  it  was  a  funeral ;  they  said  she  was  goin  to  he  buried 
alive,  liko  the  nuns  in  Portengale  that  get  a  frolickin,  break  out  of  the 
pastur,  and  race  off,  and  get  catched  and  brought  back  agin.  Says  the 
old  colonel,  her  father.  Deliverance,  my  dear,  I  would  sooner  foUer  you 
to  your  grave,  for  that  would  be  an  eend  to  your  troubles,  than  to  see  you 
go  off  tu  that  dismal  country,  that's  nothing  but  an  iceberg  aground  ;  and 
he  howled  as  loud  as  an  Irishman  that  tries  to  wake  his  wife  when  she  is 
dead.  Awful  accounts  we  have  of  the  country,  that's  a  fact ;  but  if  the 
province  is  not  so  bad  as  they  make  it  out,  the  folks  are  a  thousand 
times  worse. 

You've  seen  a  flock  of  partridges  of  a  frosty  mornin  in  the  fall,  a  crowdin 
out  of  the  shade  to  a  sunny  spot,  and  huddlin  up  there  in  the  warmth^ 
well,  the  bluc-noses  have  nothin  else  to  do  half  the  time  but  sun  them- 
selves. Whose  fault  is  that  ?  Why,  it's  the  fault  of  the  legislature  1 
they  don't  encourage  internal  improvement,  nor  the  investment  of  capital 
in  the  country  ;  and  the  result  is  apathy,  inaction,  and  poverty.  They 
spend  three  months  in  Halifax,  and  what  do  they  do  !  Father  gave  mo 
a  dollar  once,  to  go  to  the  fair  at  Hartford,  and  when  I  came  back,  says 
he,  Sam,  what  have  you  got  to  show  for  it  1  Now  I  ax  what  have  they 
to  show  for  their  three  months'  setting  1  They  mislead  folks  ;  they  mako 
'em  believe  all  the  use  of  the  assembly  is  to  bark  at  councillors,  judges, 
bankers,  and  such  cattle,  to  keep  'em  from  eatin  up  the  crops,  and  it 
actilly  costs  more  to  feed  them  when  they  are  watchin,  than  all  the  others 
could  eat  if  they  did  break  a  fence,  and  get  in.  Indeed,  some  folks  say 
they  are  the  most  breachy  of  the  two,  and  ought  to  go  to  pound  them- 
selves. If  their  fences  were  good,  them  hungry  cattle  couldn't  break 
through  ;  and  if  they  aint,  they  ought  to  stake  'em  up,  and  withe  them 
well ;  but  it's  no  use  to  make  fences  unless  the  land  is  cultivated.  If  I 
see  a  farm  all  gone  to  wrack,  I  say  here's  bad  husbandry  and  bad  manage* 
tnent ;  and  if  I  see  a  province  like  this,  of  great  capacity,  and  great 
natutnl  resources,  poverty-stricken,  I  say,  there  s  bad  legislation. 


M 


THE  CLOCKUAKBB. 


hit  I 


No,  said  he,  (with  an  Hirofinore  ncriounness  than  I  had  yet  observed,) 
how  much  it  is  to  bn  rpgrotted,  thnt,  laying  aside  pergonal  altacka  and 
potty  jealouBies,  they  would  unite  nn  one  man,  and  with  one  mmd  and 
one  hvart  apply  thernaeJvpM  sedulously  to  the  internal  improvement  and 
development  of  this  beautiful  province.  Its  value  is  utterly  unknown, 
either  to  the  general  or  local  government,  and  the  only  persons  who  duly 
appreciate  it,  are  the  Yankees. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 
A  YANKEE  HANDLE  FOR  A  HALIFAX  BLADE. 

I  MRT  a  man  this  mornin,  said  the  Clockmaker,  from  Halifax,  a  real 
conccile'l  loukm  critter  as  you  een  a  most  ever  seen,  all  shines  and  didos. 
He  looked  as  if  he  had  picked  up  his  airs  arter  some  officer  of  the  regilars 
had  worn  'em  out  and  cast  'em  off.  They  sot  on  him  like  second-hand 
clothes,  as  if  they  hadn't  been  made  for  him  and  didn't  exactly  fit.  He 
looked  fine,  but  awkward,  like  a  captain  of  militia,  Krhcn  he  gets  his  uni* 
form  on,  to  play  sodger ;  a  thinkJn  himself  mighty  hand«um,  and  that  all 
the  world  is  a  jookin  at  him.  He  marched  up  and  down  afore  the  street 
duorlike  a  peacock,  as  large  as  life  and  twice  as  natural ;  he  had  a  riding 
whip  in  his  hand,  and  every  now  and  then  struck  it  agin  his  thigh,  as 
much  as  to  say,  aint  that  a  splendid  leg  for  a  boot,  now  1  Won't  I  as- 
tonish the  Amherst  folks,  that's  all  ?  Thinks  I  you  are  a  pretty  blade, 
aint  you  1  I'd  like  to  fit  a  Yankee  handle  on  to  you,  that's  a  fact.  When 
I  came  up,  he  held  up  his  head  near  about  as  high  as  a  shot  factory,  and 
stood  with  his  fists  on  his  hips,  and  eyed  me  from  head  to  foot,  as  a  shakin 
quaker  does  a  town  lady  :  as  much  as  to  say,  what  a  queer  critter  you 
be,  that's  toggery  I  never  seed  afore,  you're  some  carnal  minded  maiden, 
that's  sa'toin. 

Well,  says  he  to  me,  with  the  air  of  a  man  that  chucks  a  cent  into  a 
beggar's  hat,  a  fine  day  this,  sir.  Do  yon  actilly  think  sol  said  I,  and  I 
gave  it  th«;  real  Connecticut  drawl.  Why,  said  he,  quite  short,  if  I 
didn't  thinK  so,  I  wouldn't  say  so.  Well,  says  I,  I  don't  know,  but  if  I 
did  think  so,  I  guess  I  wouldn't  say  so.  Why  not  1  says  he.  Because, 
I  expect,  says  I,  any  fool  could  see  that  as  well  as  me  ;  and  then  I  stared 
at  him,  as  much  as  to  say,  now  if  you  like  that  are  swap,  I  am  ready  to 
trade  with  you  agin  as  soon  as  you  like.  Well,  he  turned  right  round  on 
his  heel  and  walked  off,  a  whistlin  Yankee  Doodle  to  himself.  Ho  looked 
jist  like  a  man  that  finds  whistlin  a  plaguy  sight  easier  than  thinkin. 

Presently  I  heard  him  ax  the  groom  who  that  are  Yankee  lookin  feller 
was.  'J'hat,  said  the  groom  ;  why,  I  guess  it's  Mr.  Slick.  Sho !  !  said 
he,  how  you  talk.  What,  Slick  the  Clockmaker,  why,  it  aint  possible  ;  I 
wish  I  had  a  known  that  afore,  I  declare,  for  I  have  a  great  curiosity  to 
see  him,  folks  say  he  is  amazin  clever  feller  ll.at — and  he  turned  and 
stared,  as  if  it  was  old  Hickory  himself.  Then  he  walked  round  and 
about  like  a  pig  round  the  fence  of  a  potato  field,  a  watchin  for  a  chance 
to  cut  in  ;  so,  thinks  I,  I'll  jist  give  him  something  to  talk  about,  when 
he  gets  back  to  the  <  ity,  I'll  fix  a  Yankee  handle  on  to  him  in  no  time. 

How's  time  to  Halifax,  sir,  said  I.  Better,  says  he,  much  better,  busi- 
ness is  done  on  a  surer  bottom  than  it  was,  and  things  look  bright  agin. 
So  does  a  candle,  says  I,  jist  afore  it  goes  out ;  it  burns  up  ever  so  high, 
and  then  sinks  right  down.,  and  leaves  nothin  behind  but  grease,  and  an 
everlastin  bad  smell.     I  guess  they  don't  know  how  to  feed  their  lamp, 


jbservcd,) 
t.icks  and 
mind  and 
inRiit  and 
unknown, 
who  duly 


A   YANKEB  HANDLB,  KTC. 


fax,  a  real 
nnd  didos. 
he  regilars 
cond-hand 
y  fit.  Ho 
Is  his  uni- 
nd  that  all 
the  street 
)d  a  riding 
I  thigh,  as 
7on\  I  Bs- 
etty  blade, 
;t.  When 
ictory,  and 
as  a  shakin 
:ritter  you 
id  maiden, 

ent  into  a 
id  I,  and  I 
short,  if  I 
w,  but  if  I 

Because, 
n  I  stared 
n  ready  to 

round  on 
lo  looked 
inkin. 
okin  feller 
w  I  !  said 
ussible  ;  I 
uriosity  to 
limed  and 
round  and 

a  chance 
out,  when 

no  time. 
;tter,  busi- 

ight  agin, 
r  so  high, 
36,  and  an 
leir  lamp, 


•nJ  it  can't  burn  lon^;  ou  nothin.  No,  sir,  tho  jig  is  up  with  Hikiifiix,  and 
It's  all  their  own  fault.  If  a  man  sitH  at  his  door,  and  sfcs  HlMy  cattle 
in  his  held,  a  eatin  upof  h.scrop,  and  his  neighbours  acartinotf  his  grain, 
and  won't  so  much  as  go  and  drive  'em  out,  why  1  should  say  it  sarves 
him  right. 

I  don't  exactly  understand,  sir,  said  he.  Thinks  I,  it  would  be  btrange 
if  you  did,  fur  I  never  see  one  of  your  folks  yet  that  could  undv^rsland  a 
hitwk  from  a  handsaw.  Well,  says  I,  I  will  tell  you  what  I  mean  :  drav/ 
a  lino  from  Cape  Saltio  to  Cape  Cansoo,  right  through  the  province,  and 
it  will  split  into  two,  this  way,  and  I  cut  an  apple  into  two  halves ;  now, 
says  I,  the  worst  half,  like  the  rotten  half  of  the  apple,  beloi>g.s  to  Hali- 
fax, and  the  other  and  sound  half  belongs  to  St.  John.  Your  side  of  the 
province  on  the  sea-coast  is  all  stone  ;  I  never  seed  such  a  proper  sight 
of  rocks  in  my  life,  it's  enough  to  starve  a  rabbit.  Well,  t'other  side  on 
the  Uay  of  Fundy  is  a  ouperfine  country,  there  aint  the  beat  of  it  to  be 
found  any  where.  Now,  wouldn't  the  folks  living  away  up  to  the  bay  be 
pretty  fools  to  go  to  Halifax,  when  they  can  go  to  St.  John  with  half  the 
trouble.  St.  John  is  the  natural  capital  of  tho  Bay  of  Fundy,  it  will  bo 
the  largest  city  in  America,  next  lo  New  York.  It  has  an  immense  back 
country  as  big  as  Great  Britain,  a  first  chop  river,  and  amazin  sharp  folks, 
most  as  cute  as  the  Yankees ;  it's  a  splendid  location  for  business. 
Well,  they  draw  all  the  produce  of  tho  bay  shores,  and  where  the  pro* 
duce  goes  th'  'tpplies  return  ;  it  will  take  the  whole  trade  of  the  pro- 
vince  ;  I  gi  lur  rich  folks  will  find  they've  burnt  their  fingers,  they've 

put  their  f(  it,  that's  a  fact.     Houses  without  tenants ;  wharves 

without  chipi»::g,  a  town  without  people — what  a  grand  investment  !  ! 
If  you  have  any  loose  dollars,  let  'em  out  on  a  mortgage  in  Halifax,  that's 
the  security ;  keep  clear  of  the  country  for  your  life ;  the  people  may 
run,  but  the  town  can't.  No,  take  away  the  troops,  and  you're  done ; 
yoJIl  sing  the  dead  march  folks  did  at  Louisburg  and  Shelburne.  Why. 
you  haven't  got  a  single  thing  worth  havin,  but  a  good  harbour,  and  aa 
for  that  the  coast  is  full  on  'em.  You  haven't  a  pine  log,  a  spruce  board, 
or  a  refuse  shingle  ;  you  neither  raise  wheat,  oats,  or  hay,  nor  never  can  ; 
you  have  no  staples  on  airth,  unless  it  be  them  iron  ones  for  the  padlocks 
in  Bridewell ;  you've  sowed  pride,  and  reaped  poverty,  take  care  of  your 
crop,  for  id  worth  harvestin ;  you  have  no  river  and  no  country,  what 
in  the  name  of  fortin  have  you  to  trade  on  1 

But,  said  he,  (and  he  showed  the  whites  of  his  eyes  like  a  wall-eyed 
horse,)  but,  said  he,  Mr.  Slick,  how  is  it,  then,  Halifax  ever  grew  at  all, 
hasn't  it  got  what  it  always  had  1  it's  no  worse  than  it  was.  I  guess, 
said  I,  that  polo  aint  strong  enough  to  bear  you,  neither  ;  if  you  trust  to 
that  you'll  be  into  the  brook,  iis  sure  as  you  arc  born  ;  you  once  had  the 
trade  of  the  whole  province,  but  St.  John  has  run  off  with  that  now ; 
you've  lost  all  but  your  trade  in  blue  berrii^s  and  rabbits  with  the  niggers 
at  Hammond  Plains.  You've  lost  your  customers,  your  rivals  have  a 
better  stand  for  business — they've  got  the  corner  store — four  great  streets 
meet  there,  and  it's  near  the  market  slip. 

Well,  he  stared  ;  says  he,  I  believe  you're  right,  but  I  never  thought 
of  that  afore  ;  (thinks  I,  nobody  ever  suspects  you  of  the  trick  of  thinkin, 
that  ever  I  hcerd  tell  of;)  some  of  our  great  men,  said  he,  laid  it  all  to 
your  folks,  selling  so  many  clocks  and  Polyglott  Bibles,  they  say  you  have 
taken  off  a  horrid  sight  of  money.  Did  they,  indeed,  said  I ;  well,  I 
guess  it  aint  pins  and  needles  that's  the  expense  of  house-keepin,  it  is 
something  more  costly  than  that.     Well,  some  folks  say  it's  the  banks, 


60 


THE    CLOCKHAKEld. 


it: 


iriit 


',!ti 


says  he.  Better  still,  says  I,  perhaps  you've  b^ard  tell  too,  that  greasing 
the  axle  makes  a  gig  harder  to  draw,  for  there's  jist  about  as  much  sense 
in  that.  Well  then,  says  he,  others  say  it's  srnugglin  has  made  us  so 
poor.  That  guess,  said  I,  is  most  as  good  as  t'o  her  one,  whoever  Found 
out  that  secret  ought  to  get  a  patent  lor  it,  for  it's  worth  knowin.  Then 
the  country  has  grown  poorer,  hasn't  it,  becaus'.  it  has  bought  cheaper 
this  year  than  it  did  the  year  before  ?  Why,  your  folks  are  cute  chaps, 
I  vow  ;  they'd  puzzle  a  Philadelphia  lawyer,  they  are  so  amazin  knowin. 
Ah,  said  he,  and  he  rubb'd  his  hands  and  smiled  like  a  young  doctor, 
when  he  gets  his  first  patient ;  ah,  said  he,  if  the  timber  duties  are  alter- 
ed, down  comes  St.  John,  body  and  breeches,  it's  built  on  a  poor  founda- 
tion— it's  all  show — they  arc  speculatin  like  mad — they'll  ruin  themselves. 
Saya  I,  if  you  wait  till  they're  dead,  for  your  fortin,  it  will  be  one  while  I 
toll  you,  afore  you  pocket  the  shiners.  It's  no  joke  waitin  for  a  dead 
man's  shoes.  Suppose  an  old  feller  of  eighty  was  to  say  when  that  are 
young  feller  dien.  I'm  to  inherit  his  property,  what  woi'ld  you  think  T 
Why,  I  guess  you'd  think  he  was  an  old  fool.  No,  sir,  if  the  English 
don't  want  their  timber  we  do  want  it  all,  we  have  used  ourn  up,  we 
haven't  got  a  stick  even  to  whittle.  If  the  British  don't  offer  we  will,  and 
St.  John,  like  a  dear  \\'n^  weeping  widow,  will  dry  up  her  tears,  and  take 
to  frolickin  agin  and  accept  it  right  off. 

There  isn't  at  this  moment  such  a  location  hardly  in  America,  as  St. 
John ;  for  besides  all  its  other  ad  vantPges,  it  hasjthis  great  one,  its  only  rival, 
Halirix,  has  pot  a  dose  of  opium  that  will  send  it  snoring  out  of  the 
world,  like  a  feller  who  falls  asleep  on  the  ice  of  a  winter's  night.  It  has 
been  asleep  so  long,  I  actilly  think  it  never  will  wake.  It's  an  easy  death 
t<H),  you  may  rouse  them  up  if  you  like,  but  I  voat  I  won't.  I  once 
brought  a  feller  loo  that  was  drowned,  and  one  night  he  got  drunk  and 
quilted  me,  I  couldn't  walk  for  a  week  ;  says  I,  You're  the  last  chap  I'll 
ever  save  from  drowning  in  all  my  born  days,  if  that's  all  the  thanks  I 
get  for  it.  No,  sir,  Halifax  has  lost  the  run  of  its  custonr-.  Who  does 
I  armouth  trade  with  T  St.  John.  Who  does  Annapolis  county  trade 
with  1  St.  John  Who  do  all  the  folks  on  the  Basin  of  Mines,  and  Bay 
Shore,  trade  with  ?  St.  John.  Who  does  Cumberland  trade  with?  St. 
John.  W^ell,  Pictou,  Lunenburg,  and  Liverpool  supply  themselves,  and 
the  rest  that  aint  worth  havin,  trade  with  Halifax,  They  take  down  a 
few  half-starved  pigs,  old  viteran  geese,  and  long-legged  fowls,  some  ram 
mutton,  and  tuff  beef,  and  swap  them  for  tea,  sugar,  and  such  little  no- 
tions for  their  old  women  to  home  ;  while  the  railroads  and  canals  of  St. 
John  are  goin  to  cut  off  your  Gulf  Shore  trade  to  Miramichi,  an<l  along 
there.  Flies  live  in  the  summer  and  die  in  winter,  you're  jist  as  umny 
in  war  as  those  little  critters,  but  you  sing  small  in  peace. 

No,  you're  done  for,  you  are  up  a  tree,  you  may  depend,  pride  must  fall. 
Your  town  is  like  a  ball-room  ai  ler  a  dance.  The  folks  have  eat,  drank, 
and  frolicked,  and  left  an  empty  house  ;  the  lamps  and  hangings,  r.re  left, 
but  the  people  are  gone. 

Is  there  no  remedy  for  this  !  said  he,  and  he  looked  as  wild  as  a  Chero- 
kee Indian.  Thinks  I,  the  handle  is  fitten  on  proper  tight  now.  Well, 
says  I,  when  a  man  has  a  cold,  he  had  ought  to  look  out  pretty  sharp, 
afore  it  gets  seated  on  his  lungs  ;  if  he  don't  he  gets  into  a  gaiiooin  con- 
eumption,  and  it's  gone  goose  with  him.  There  is  a  remedy,  if  applied 
in  time  :  make  a  railroad  to  Minas  Basin,  and,  you  have  a  way  for  your 
customers  to  get  to  you,  and  a  conveyance  for  yonr  goods  to  them.  When 
I  was  in  New  York  last,  a  cousin  of  mine,  Hezekiah  Slick,  said  to  me. 


THE  GRAHAMITE    'N.D  THE    IRISH  PILOT. 


Bl 


lilt  greasing 
much  sense 
nade  us  so 
oever  found 
vin.  Then 
ht  cheaper 
cute  chaps, 
un  knowin. 
ung  doctor, 
»s  are  alter- 
oor  founda- 
themselvea. 
one  while  I 
I  for  a  dead 
len  that  are 
you  think! 
the  English 
)tirn  up,  we 
ve  will,  and 
'8,  and  take 

(rica,  as  St. 
s  only  rival, 

out  of  the 
[ht.     It  has 

easy  death 
I't.     I  once 

drunk  and 
St  chap  I'll 
he  thanks  I 

Who  does 
)unty  trade 
?s,  and  Bay 

with!  St. 
selves,  and 
ke  down  a 
I,  some  ranj 
h  little  no- 
fjnaisof  St. 

and  along 
St  as  noisy 


I  do  believe,  Sam,  I  shall  be  ruined  .  I've  lost  all  my  custom,  they  are 
widening  and  improving  the  streets,  r.i.d  there's  so  many  carts  and  people 
to  work  in  it,  folks  can't  come  to  my  shop  to  trade,  what  on  airth  shall 
I  do,  and  I'm  payin  a  dreadful  high  rent,  too  ]  Stop,  Ki,  says  I,  when 
the  street  is  all  finished  off  ;ind  slicked  up,  they'll  all  come  back  agin, 
and  a  whole  raft  more  on  'enr»  too,  you'll  sell  twice  as  much  as  ever  you 
did,  you'll  put  off  a  proper  swad  of  goods  next  year,  you  may  depend  j 
and  so  he  did,  he  made  money,  hand  over  hand.  A  railroad  will  bring 
back  your  customers,  if  done  right  off;  but  wait  till  trade  has  made 
new  channels,  and  fairly  gets  settled  in  them,  and  you'll  never  divart 
it  again  to  all  etarnity.  When  a  fellsr  waits  till  a  gal  gets  married,  I 
guess  it  will  be  too  late  to  pop  the  question  then. 

St.  .John  must  go  ahead,  at  any  rate ;  you  may,  if  you  choose,  but 
you  must  exert  yourselves,  I  tell  yoK.  If  a  man  has  only  one  leg,  and 
wants  to  walk,  he  must  get  an  artificial  one.  If  y«u  have  no  river, 
make  a  railroad,  and  that  will  supply  its  place.  But,  says  be,  Mr.  Slick> 
people  said  it  never  will  pay  in  the  world,  they  say  it's  as  mad  a  scheme 
as  the  canal.  Do  they,  indeed,  s<iys  I ;  send  them  to  .-ne  then,  and  I'll 
tit  the  handle  on  to  them  in  tu  tu"s.  I  say  it  will  pa  ;,  and  the  best  proof 
is,  our  folks  will  take  tu  thirds  of  the  stock.  JDid  you  ever  hear  any 
one  else  b\it  your  folks,  ax  whether  a  dose  of  medicine  would  pay  when 
it  was  given  te  save  life  ?  If  that  cverlastin  long  Erie  canal  can  secure 
to  New  York  the  supply  of  that  far  off  country,  most  t'other  side  of  cre- 
ation, surely  a  railroad  of  forty-five  miles  can  give  you  the  trad*!  of  the 
Bay  of  Fundy.  A  railroad  will  go  from  Halifax  to  Windsor  and  make 
them  one  town,  easier  to  send  goods  from  one  to  t'other  than  Iroii: 
Governor  Campbell's  horse  to  Admiral  Coci^burn's.  A  bridge  makes  a 
town,  a  river  makes  a  town,  a  can  il  makes  a  town,  but  a  railroad  is 
bridge,  river,  thoiouphfare,  canal,  all  a  one  ;  what  a  whappin  large  place 
that  w'ould  make,  wouUJn't  it!  It  would  be  the  dandy,  that's  a  fact. 
No,  when  you  go  back,  take  a  piece  of  chalk,  and  the  first  dark  night, 
write  on  every  door  ir.  Halifax,  in  large  letters — a  railroad — and  if  they 
don't  know  the  meanin  of  i.,  says  you  it's  a  Yankee  word  ;  if  you'll  go 
to  Sam  Slick  the  Clockmaker,  the  chap  that  fixed  a  Yankee  handle  on  to 
a  Halifax  blade,  (an'J  I  mad<»him  a  scrape  of  my  leg,  as  much  as  to  say 
that's  you,)  every  man  that  buys  a  clock  shall  hear  all  about  a  railroad. 


CHAPTER  XVITI. 
THE  GRAHAMITE  AND  THE  IRISH  PILOT. 

I  THINK,  said  I,  this  is  a  happy  country,  Mr.  Slick.  The  people  are 
fortunately  all  of  one  origin,  there  are  no  national  jealousies  to  divide,  and 
no  very  violent  politics  to  agitate  them  They  appear  to  be  cheerful  and 
contented,  an.l  are  a  civil,  good-natured,  hospitable  race.  Considering 
the  unsettled  state  of  almost  every  part  of  the  world,  I  think  I  would  as 
soon  cast  my  lot  in  Nova  Scotia  as  in  any  part  I  know  of. 

It's  a  clever  country,  you  may  depend,  said  he,  a  very  clever  country  ; 
full  of  mineral  wealth,  aboundin  in  superior  water  privileges  and  noble 
harbours,  a  large  part  of  il  prime  laud,  and  it  is  in  tho  very  heart  of  the 
fisheries.  But  the  folks  put  me  in  mind  of  a  sect  in  our  country  they 
call  the  Grahamites — they  eat  no  meat  and  no  exciting  food,  and  drink 
jnoihin  stronger  than  water.  They  call  it  philosophy,  (and  that  is  such 
a  pretty  word  it  has  made  fools  of  more  folks  than  them  afore  novr ;)  but 

F 


i9 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


KVi'      '' 


\k. 


I  call  it  tarnation  nonsense.  I  once  travelled  all  through  the  state  of 
•  Maine  with  one  of  them  are  chaps.  He  was  as  thin  as  a  whippin  post. 
His  skin  looked  like  a  blown  bladder  arter  some  of  the  air  had  leaked 
out,  kinder  wrinkled  and  rumpled  like,  and  his  eyes  as  dim  as  a  iamp 
that's  livin  on  a  short  allowance  of 'ile.  He  put  me  in  mind  of  a  pair 
of  kitchen  tongs,  all  legs,  shaft,  and  head,  and  no  belly  ;  a  real  gander 
gutted  lookin  critter,  as  holler  as  a  bamboo  walkin  cane,  and  twice  aa 
yaller.  He  actilly  looked  as  if  he  had  been  picked  off  a  wrack  at  sea,  and 
dragged  through  a  gimlet  hole.  He  was  a  lawyer.  Thinks  I,  the  Lord 
a  maasy  on  your  clients,  you  hungry,  half-starved  lookin  critter,  you, 
you'll  eat  'em  up  alive  as  sure  as  the  Lord  made  Moses.  You  are  just 
the  chap  to  strain  at  a  gnat  and  swallow  a  camel,  tank,  shank,  and  flank, 
all  at  a  gulp. 

Well,  when  we  came  to  an  inn,  and  a  beef-steak  was  sot  afore  us  for 
dinner,  he'd  say,  Oh,  that  is  too  good  for  me,  it's  too  exciting;  all  fat 
meat  is  diseased  meat — give  mesorn''  *'read  and  cheese.  Well,  I'd  say, 
I  don't  know  what  you  call  too  good,  but  it  aint  good  enough  for  me, 
for  I  call  it  as  tuff  as  laushong,  and  that  will  bear  chawing  all  day.  When 
I  liquidate  for  my  dinner,  I  like  to  get  about  the  best  that's  goin,  and  I 
aint  a  bit  too  well  pleased  if  I  don't.  Exciting  indeed  ! !  thinks  I.  Lord, 
I  should  like  to  see  you  excited,  if  it  was  only  for  the  fun  of  the  thing. 
What  a  temptin  lookin  critter  you'd  be  among  the  gals,  wouldn't  you  1 
Why,  you  look  like  a  subject  the  doctor  boys  had  dropped  on  the  road 
arter  they  had  dug  you  up,  and  had  cut  stick  and  run  for  it. 

Well,  when  tea  came,  he  said  the  same  thing,  it's  too  exciting,  give 
me  some  water,  do ;  that's  follerin  the  law  of  nator.  Well,  says  I,  if 
that'.,  the  case  you  ought  to  eat  beef  ;  why,  says  he,  how  do  you  make 
out  that  are  proposition  !  Why,  says  I,  if  drinking  water,  instead  of 
tea,  is  natur,  so  is  eatin  grass  according  to  natur  ;  now  all  flesh  is  grass, 
we  are  told,  so  you  had  better  eat  that  and  call  it  vegetable  ;  like  a  man 
I  once  seed,  who  fasted  on  fish  on  a  Friday,  and  when  he  had  done, 
whipped  a  leg  o'  mutton  into  the  oven  and  took  it  out  fish  ;  says  he  it's 
changed  plaice,  that's  all,  and  plaice  aint  a  bad  fish.  The  Catholics  fast 
enough,  gracious  knows,  but  then  they  fast  on  a  great  rousin  big  salmon 
at  two  dollars  and  forty  cent.^  a  pound,  and*lots  of  old  Madeira  to  make 
it  float  on  the  stomach ;  there  is  some  sense  in  mortifying  the  appetite 
arter  that  fashion,  but  plaguy  little  in  your  way.  No,  says  I,  friend,  you 
may  talk  about  natur  as  you  please,  I've  studied  natur  ail  my  life,  and  I 
vow  if  your  natur  could  speak  out,  it  would  tell  you,  it  don't  over  half 
like  to  be  starved  arter  that  plan.  If  you  know'd  as  much  about  the 
marks  of  the  mouth  as  I  do,  you'd  know  that  you  have  carnivorous  as 
well  as  granivorous  teeth,  and  that  natur  meant  by  that,  you  should  eat 
most  anything  that  are  door-keeper,  your  nose,  would  give  a  ticket  to,  to 
pass  into  your  mouth.  Father  rode  a  race  at  New  York  course,  when 
he  was  near  hand  to  seventy,  and  that's  more  nor  you'll  do,  I  guess,  and 
h8  eats  as  hearty  as  a  turkey  cock,  and  he  never  confined  himself  to 
water  neither,' when  he  could  get  anything  convened  him  better.  Says 
he,  Sam,  grandfather  Slick  used  to  say  there  was  an  old  proverb  in  York- 
shire, "a  full  belly  makes  a  strong  back,"  and  I  guess  if  you  try  it,  na- 
tur will  tell  you  so  too.  If  ever  you  go  to  Connecticut,  jist  call  into 
father's,  and  he'll  give  you  a  real  right  down  genuine  New  England  break- 
fast, and  if  that  don't  happify  your  heart,  then  my  name's  not  Sam  Slick. 
It  will  make  you  feel  about  among  the  stiffest,  I  tell  you.  It  will  blow 
your  jacket  out  like  a  pig  at  sea.     You'll  have  to  shake  a  reef  or  two 


THB  ORAUAMITE  AND  THG  IRISH  PILOT. 


69 


f)Ut  of  your  waistbans  and  make  good  stowage,  I  guess  to  carry  it  all  ua» 
der  batches.  There's  nothin  like  a  good  pastur  to  cover  the  ribs,  and 
make  the  hide  shine,  depend  on't. 

•Now  this  province  is  like  that  are  Grahamite  lawyer's  beef,  it's  too 
good  for  the  folks  that's  in  it ;  they  either  don't  avail  its  value  or  won't 
use  it,  because  work  aint  arter  their  "  law  of  natur."  As  you  say,  they 
are  quiet  enough  (there's  worse  folks  than  the  blue-noses,  too,  if  you 
come  to  that,)  and  so  they  had  ought  to  be  quiet,  for  they  have  nothin  to 
fight  about.  As  for  pohtics,  they  nave  nothin  to  desarve  the  name  ;  but 
they  talk  about  it,  and  a  plaguy  sight  of  nonsense  they  do  talk  too. 

Now  with  us  the  country  is  divided  into  two  parties,  of  the  mammoth 
breed,  the  Ins  and  the  Outs,  tlie  Administration  and  the  Opposition.  But 
Where's  'he  administration  here?  Where's  the  War  Office,  the  Fo- 
reign Office,  and  the  Home  Office  ?  where's  the  Secretary  of  the  Navy  1 
Where's  the  State  Bank  1  where's  the  Ambassadors  and  Diplomatists 
(them  are  the  boys  to  wind  off  a  snarl  of  ravcUins  at,  slick  as  if  it  were 
on  a  reel),  and  where's  that  Ship  of  State,  fitted  ap  all  the  way  from  the 
forecastle  clean  to  the  starn  post,  chock  full  of  good>snug  berths,  hand- 
somely  found  and  furnished,  tier  over  tier,  one  above  another,  as  thick 
as  it  can  hold  1  That'o  a  helm  worth  handlin,  I  tell  you  ;  I  don't  wondci 
that  folks  mutiny  below,  and  fight  on  the  decks  above  for  it ;  it  makes  a 
|iltguy  uproar  the  whole  time,  and  keeps  the  passengers  for  everlastingly 
in  a  state  of  alarm  for  fear  they'd  do  mischief  by  bustin  the  byler,  a  run> 
nin  aground,  or  geltin  foul  of  some  other  craft. 

This  province  is  better  as  it  is,  quieter  and  happier  far  ;  they  have 
berths  enough  and  big  enough,  they  should  be  careful  not  to  increase  'em ; 
and  if  they  were  to  do  it  over  agin,  perhaps  they'd  be  as  well  with  fewer. 
They  have  two  parties  here,  the  Tory  party  and  the  Opposition  party, 
and  both  on  'em  run  to  extremes.  Them  radicals,  says  one,  are  for 
levellin  all  down  to  their  own  level,  tho'  not  a  peg  lower ;  that's  their  gage, 
jist  down  to  their  own  notch  and  no  farther;  and  they'd  agitate  ne 
whole  country  to  obtain  that  object,  for  if  a  man  can't  grow  to  be  as  i;aU 
as  his  neighbour,  if  he  cuts  a  few  inches  off  him,  why  then  they  are  both 
of  one  heighth.  They  are  a  most  dangerous,  disaffected  people — they 
are  eternally  appealin  to  the  worst  passions  of  the  mob.  Well,  says  tothcr, 
them  aristocrats,  they'll  ruinate  the  country,  they  spend  the  whole  revenue 
on  themselves.  What  with  bankers,  councillors,  judges,  bishops,  and  public 
officers,  and  a  whole  tribe  of  lawyers,  as  hungry  as  hawks,  and  jist  about  as 
marciful,  the  country  is  devoured,  as  if  there  was  a  flock  of  locusts  a  feedin 
on  it.  There's  nothin  left  for  roads  and  bridges.  When  a  chap  sets  out  to 
canvass,  he's  got  to  antagonise  one  side  or  tother.  If  he  hangs  on  to  the 
powers  that  be,  then  he's  a  council-man,  he's  for  votin  large  salaries,  for 
doin  as  the  great  people  at  Halifax  tell  him.  He  is  a  fool.  If  he  is  on 
tother  side,  a  raiiin  at  banks,  judges,  lawyers,  and  such  cattle,  and  baulin 
for  what  he  knows  ho  can't  get,  then  he  is  a  rogue.  So  that,  if  you  were 
to  listen  to  the  weak  and  noisy  critters  on  both  side?  you'd  beUeve  the 
house  of  assembly  was  one-half  rogues  and  tother  half  fouls.  All  this 
arises  from  ignorance.  Jf  they  knew  more  of  each  other,  I  guess  they'd 
lay  aside  one-half  their  fears  and  all  their  abuse.  The  upper  classes  don't 
know  one-half  the  virtue  that's  in  the  middlin  and  lower  classes,  and  they 
don't  know  one-half  the  integrity  and  good  feelin  that's  in  the  others,  and 
both  are  fooled  "and  gulled  by  their  own  noisy  and  designin  champions. 
Take  any  two  men  that  are  by  the  ears,  they  opniionate  all  they  hear  of 
each  other,  impute  all  sprts  of  onworthy  motives,  and  misconstrue  erery 


«4 


THE    CLOCKMAKKK. 


ifK 


r*ii 


Ji'v 


11 


act ;  let  them  see  more  of  each  other,  and  they'll  find  out  to  their  sur- 
prise, that  they  have  not  only  been  lookin  through  a  magnifying  glass  that 
warn't  very  true,  but  a  coloured  one  also,  that  changed  the  complexion, 
and  distorted  the  features,  and  each  one  will  think  tother  a  very  good 
kind  of  chap,  and  like  as  not  a  plaguy  pleasant  one  too. 

If  I  was  axed  which  side  was  farthest  from  the  mark  in  this  province, 
I  vow  I  should  be  puzzled  to  say.  As  I  don't  belong  to  the  country,  and 
don't  care  a  snap  of  my  finger  for  either  of  'em,  I  suppose  I  can  j  dge 
better  than  any  mr.a  in  it,  but  I  snore  I  don't  think  there's  much  diflfer- 
encc.  The  popular  side  (I  won't  say  patriotic,  for  we  find  in  our  steam- 
boats .1  man  who  has  a  plaguy  sight  of  property  in  his  porlmanter,  is  quite 
as  anxious  for  its  safety  as  him  that's  only  one  pair  of  yarn  stockings  and 
a  clean  shirt,  is  for  hjs'n)  the  popular  side  are  not  so  well  informed  as 
tother,  and  they  have  the  misfortin  of  havin  their  passions  addressed  more 
than  their  reason,  therefore  they  are  often  out  of  the  way,  or  rather  led 
out  of  it,  and  put  astray  by  bad  guides  ;  well,  tother  side  have  the  preju- 
dices of  birth  and  education  to  dim  their  vision,  and  are  alarmed  ta  un- 
dertake a  thing,  from  the  dread  of  ambush,  or  open  foes,  that  their  guides 
are  eternally  descrying'in  the  mist — and  beside,  poiccr  has  a  nateral  teit' 
dcncy  to  corpulency.  As  for  them  guides,  I'd  make  short  work  of  'em  if 
it  was  me. 

In  the  last  war  with  Britain,  the  Constitution  frigate  was  close  in  once 
on  the  shores  of  Ireland,  a  lookin  arter  some  marchant  ships,  and  she 
took  on  board  a  pilot  ;  well,  he  was  a  deep,  sly,  twiptical  lookin  chap, 
as  you  een  amost  ever  seed.  He  had  a  sort  of  dark  down  look  about 
him,  and  a  leer  out  of  the  corner  of  one  eye,  like  a  horse  that's  goin  to 
kick.  The  captain  guessed  he  read  in  his  face,  "  well  now,  if  I  was  to  run 
this  here  Yankee  right  slap  on  a  rock  and  bilge  her,  the  kmg  would  make 
a  man  of  me  for  ever."  So  says  he  to  the  first  leftenant,  reeve  a  ropo 
thro'  that  are  block  at  the  tip  eend  of  the  fore-yard,  and  clap  a  rnnnin 
nuse  in  it.  The  leftenant  did  it  as  quick  as  wink,  and  came  back,  and 
says  he,  I  guess  it's  done.  Now,  says  the  caj>tain,  look  here,  pilot,  here's 
a  rope  you  haven't  seed  yet ;  I'll  jist  explain  the  use  of  it  to  you  incase 
you  wBTit  the  loan  of  it.  If  this  here  frigate,  manned  with  our  free  and 
enligbieued  citizens,  gets  aground,  I'll  give  you  a  ride  on  the  slack  of 
that  are  rope^  right  up  to  that  yard  by  the  neck,  by  gum.  Well,  it  rub'd 
all  the  writin  out  of  his  face,  as  quick  as  spittin  on  a  slate  takes  a  sum 
out,  you  may  depend.  Now,  they  should  rig  up  a  crane  over  the  street 
door  of  the  state  house  at  Halifax,  and  when  any  of  the  pilots  at  either 
eend  of  the  buildin,  run  'em  on  the  breakers  on  purpose,  string  'era  up- 
like  an  onsafe  dog.  A  sign  of  that  are  kind,  with  *■'  a  house  of  oitertain- 
ment"  painted  under  it,  would  do  the  business  in  less  tlwn  no  iitne.  If 
it  wouldn't  keep  the  hawks  out  of  the  poultry  yard,  it's  a  pity  ;  it  would 
scare  them  out  of  a  year's  growth,  that's  a  fact ;  if  the^  used  it  once,  I 
guess  they  wouldn't  liave  occasion  for  it  agin  in  a  hurry  ^  it  would  be 
like  the  Aloe  tree,  and  that  bears  fruit  only  once  in  a  hundred  years. 

If  you  want  to  know  how  to  act  any  time,  squire,  never  go  to  books, 
leave  them  to  gals  and  schoolboys  ;  but  go  right  oflf  and  cipher  it  out  of 
natur,  that's  a  sure  guide,^  it  will  never  deceive  you,  you  may  depend. 
For  instance,  "  whaVs  that  to  mc,"  is  a  phrase  so  common  that  it  shows 
it's  a  natural  one,  when  people  have  no  particular  interest  in  a  thing. 
Well,  when  a  feller  gets  so  warm  on  either  side  as  never  to  use  that 
phrase  at  all,  watch  him,  that's  all  I  keep  your  eye  on  him,  or  he'll  walk 
right  into  you  before  you  know  where  you  be.     if  a  man  runs  to  me  and 


THE  CL^CKMAKER  QUILTS  A  BLUE-NOSC. 


6ft 


says,  "  your  fence  is  down,"  thank  you,  says  I,  that's  kind ;  if  he  comes 
agin  and  says,  "  I  guess  some  stray  cattle  have  broke  into  your  short  sarce 
garden,"  I  thank  him  again  ;  says  I,  come  now,  this  is  neighbourly  ;  but 
when  he  keeps  etarnally  tellin  me  this  thing  of  one  sarvant,  and  that  thing 
of  another  sarvant,  hints  that  my  friend  aint  true,  that  my  neighbours  are 
inclined  to  take  advantage  of  me,  and  that  suspicious  folks  are  seen  about 
my  place,  I  say  to  myself,  what  on  airth  makea  this  critter  take  such  a 
wonderful  interest  in  my  affairs  ]  I  don't  like  to  hear  such  tales  ;  he's 
arter  something  as  sure  as  the  world,  if  he  warn't  he'd  say,  ♦'  whaCs  that  to 
me."  I  never  believe  much  what  I  hear  said  by  a  man's  violent  friend, 
or  violent  enemy,  I  want  to  hear  what  a  disinterested  man  has  to  say ; 
now,  as  a  disinterested  man,  I  say  if  the  members  of  the  house  of  assem- 
bly, instead  oj  raisin  up  ghosts  and  hobgoblins  to  frighten  folks  with,  and 
to  show  what  swordsmen  they  be,  a  cutltn  and  a  thrustin  at  phantoms  that 
only  exist  in  their  own  brains,  would  turn  to,  heart  and  hand,  and  develope 
the  resource'  of  this  jine  country,  facilitate  the  means  of  transport,  pro- 
mote its  internal  improvement,  and  encourage  its  foreign  trade,  they 
icould  make  it  the  richest  and  the  grcatset,  as  it  now  is  one  of  the  happi- 
est, sections  of  ail  America  ;  I  hope  I  may  be  skinned  if  they  wouldnU — 
they  would,  I  swan. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 
THE.CLOCKMAKER  QLILTS  A  BLUE-NOSE. 

The  descendants  of  Eve  have  profited  little  by  her  example.  The 
cariosity  of  the  fair  sex  is  still  insatiable,  and,  as  it  is  often  ill  directed, 
it  frequently  terminates  in  error.  In  the  country  this  feminine  propensity 
is  troublesome  to  a  traveller,  and  he  who  would  avoid  importunities, 
would  do  well  to  announce  at  once,  on  his  arrival  at  a  Cumberland  inn, 
his  name  and  his  business,  the  place  of  his  abode,  and  the  length  of  his  visit. 

Our  beautiful  he  Jtess,  Mrs.  Pugwash,  as  she  took  her  seat  at  the 
breakfast  table  this  morning,  exhibited  the  example  that  suggested  these 
reflections.  She  was  struck  with  horror  at  our  conversation,  the  latter 
part  only  of  which  she  heard,  and  of  course  misEipplied  and  misunderstood. 

She  was  run  down  by  the  President,  said  I,  and  has  been  laid  up  for 
some  time.  Gulard's  people  have  stripped  her,  in  consequence  of  her 
making  water  so  fast.  Stripped  whom  ?  said  Mrs.  Pugwash,  as  she  sud- 
denly  dropped  the  teapot  from  her  hand ;  stripped  whom,  for  heaven's 
sake  tell  me  who  it  is  !  The  Lady  Ogle,  said  I.  Lady  Ogle,  said  she, 
how  horrid  1  Two  of  her  ribs  were  so  broken  as  to  require  to  be  re- 
placed with  new  ones.  Two  new  ribs,  said  she,  well,  I  never  heerd  the 
beat  of  that  in  all  my  born  days  ;  poor  critter,  how  she  must  have  suffer- 
ed. On  examining  her  below  the  waist  they  found — Examining  her  still 
lower,  said  she,  (all  the  pride  of  her  sex  revolting  at  the  idea  of  such  an 
indecent  exhibition,)  you  don't  pretend  to  say  they  stripped  her  below  the 
waist;  what  did  the  admiral  say  1  Did  he  stand  by  and  see  her  handled 
in  that  way  1  The  admiral,  madam,  said  I,  did  not  trouble  his  head 
about  it.  They  found  her  extremely  unsound  there,  and  much  worm  eaten. 
Worm  eaten,  she  continued,  how  awful !  it  must  have  been  them  nasty 
jiggers,  that  got  in  there ;  they  tell  me  they  are  dreadful  thick  in  the 
West  Indies  ;  Joe  Crow  had  them  in  his  feet,  and  lost  two  of  his  toes. 
Worm  eaten,  dear,  dear  !  !  but  still  that  aint  so  bad  as  having  them  great 
he  fellows  strip  one.     I  promise  you  if  them  Gulards  had  undertaken  to. 

F2 


de 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


"(i 


m 


strip  mc,  I'd  taught  them  different  guess  manners  ;  I'd  died  first  before 
I'd  submitted  to  it.  1  always  licerd  ttll  the  English  quality  ladies  were 
awful  bold,  but  I  never  hcerd  the  like  o'  that. 

What  on  airth  are  you  drivin  nil  said  Mr.  Slick.  I  never  seed  you 
ao^much  out  in  your  latitude  afore,  inarm,  I  vow.  Wo  were  talkin  of 
repairin  a  vessel,  not  sfrippin  a  woman  :  what  under  the  sun  could  have 
put  that  are  crocket  into  your  head  ]  She  looked  mortified  and  humbled 
at  the  result  of  her  own  absurd  curiosity,  and  soon  quitted  the  room.  I 
thought  I  should  have  snorted  right  out  two  or  three  times,  said  the 
Clockmaker ;  I  had  to  pucker  up  my  mouth  like  the  upper  eend  of  a 
silk  puss,  to  keep  from  yawhawin  in  her  face,  to  hear  the  critter  let  her 
clapper  run  that  fashion.  She  is  not  the  first  hand  that  has  caught  a 
lobster,  by  puttin  in  her  oar  afore  her  turn,  I  guess.  She'll  mind  her 
stops  next  hitch,  I  reckon.     This  was  our  last  breakfast  at  Amherst. 

An  early  frost  that  smote  the  potato  field,  and  changed  the  beautiful 
green  colour  of  the  Indian  corn  into  shades  of  light  yellow  and  dark 
brown,  reminded  me  of  the  presence  of  autumn — of  the  season  of  short 
days  and  bad  roads.  I  determined  to  proceed  at  once  to  Parrsboro,  and 
thence  by  the  Windsor  and  Kentville  route  to  Annapolis,  Yarmouth,  and 
Shclburne,  and  to  return  by  the  shore  road,  through  Liverpool  and  Lu- 
nenburg to  Halifa.Y.  I  therefore  took  leave  (though  not  without  much 
reluctance)  of  the  Clockinaker,  whoso  intention  had  been  to  go  to  Fort 
Lawrence.  Well,  said  he,  I  vow  I  am  sorry  to  part  company  along  with 
you  ;  a  considerable  long  journey  like  ourn,  is  like  sitting  up  late  with 
the  gals,  a  body  knows  it's  getting  on  pretty  well  toward  niornin,  and 
yet  feels  loth  to  go  to  bed,  for  it's  just  the  time  folks  grow  sociable. 

I  got  a  scheme  in  my  head,,  said  he,  that  I  think  will  answer  both  on 
us ;  I  got  debts  due  to  me  in  all  them  are  places  for  clocks  sold  by  the 
concern  ;  now  suppose  you  leave  your  horse  on  these  marshes  this  fall, 
he'll  get  as  fat  as  a  fool,  he  won't  be  able  to  see  out  of  his  eyes  in  a 
month,  and  I'll  put  "  Old  Clay"  (I  call  him  Clay  arter  our  senator,  who  is 
a  prime  bit  of  stuff)  into  a  Yankee  wagon  I  have  here,  and  drive  you  all 
"ound  the  coast. 

This  was  too  good  an  offer  to  bo  declined.  A  run  at  grass  for  my 
horse,  an  easy  and  comfortable  wagon,  and  a  guide  so  original  and 
amusing  as  Mr.  Slick,  were  either  of  them  enough  to  induce  rny  ac- 
quiescence. 

As  sooa  as  we  had  taken  our  seats  in  the  wagon,  he  observed,  We 
shall  progress  real  handsum  now ;  that  are  horse  goes  etarnal  fast,  he 
near  about  set  my  axle  on  fire  twice.  He's  a  spanker,  you  may  depend. 
I  had  him  when  he  was  a  two-year  old,  all  legs  and  tail,  like  a  devil's 
darniu  needle,  and  had  him  broke  on  purpose  by  father's  old  nigger,  Ja- 
nuary Snow.  He  knows  English  real  well,  and  can  do  near  about  any- 
thing but  speak  it.  He  helped  me  once  to  ginn  a  blue-n'ose  a  proper 
handsum  quiUin.  He  must  have  stood  a  poor  chance  indeed,  said  I,  a 
horse  kicking,  and  a  man  striking  him  at  the  same  time.  Oh  !  not'arter 
that  pattern  at  all,  said  he  ;  Lord,  if  Old  Clay  had  kicked  him,  he'd  a 
smashed  him  like  that  are  saucer  you  broke  at  Pugnose's  inn,  into  ten 
hundred  thousand  million  flinders.  Oh !  no,  if  I  didn't  fix  his  flint  for 
him  in  fair  play  it's  a  pity.  I'll  tell  you  how  it  was.  I  was  up  to  Truro, 
at  Ezra  Whitter's  inn.  There  was  an  arbitration  there  atween  Deacon 
Text  and  Deacon  Faithful.  Well,  there  was  a  nation  sight  of  folks  there, 
for  they  saiil  it  was  a  biter  bit,  and  they  came  to  witness  the  sport,  and 
to  see  which  critter  would  get  the  ear  mark. 


THE  CLOCKMAKER  QUILTS  A  DLUE-NOSE. 


67 


Well,  I'd  been  doin  a  little  business  there  among  the  folks  and  had 
list  sot  oir  for  the  river,  mounted  on  Old  Clay,  arter  takin  a  glaas  of 
Ezra's  most  particular  handsum  Jamaiky,  and  was  trottin  off  pretty  slick, 
when  who  should  I  run  agin  but  Tim  Bradley.     He  is  a  dreadful  ugly, 
cross-grained  critter,  as  you  een  amost  ever  seed,  when  he  is  about  half- 
shaved.     Well,  I  stopped  short,  and  says  I,  M-,  Bradley,  I  hope  yon 
bcant  hurt ;  I'm  proper  sorry  I  run  agin  you,  you  can't  feel  uglier  than  I 
do  about  it,  I  do  assure  you.     He  called  me  a  Yankee  pedler,  a  cheatin 
vawabond,  a  wooden  nutmeg,  and  threw  a  good  deal  of  assorted  hard- 
wa'rc  of  that  kind  at  me;  and,the" crowd  of  folks  cried  out,  down  with 
the  Yankee,  let  him  have  it,  Tim,  teach  him  better  manners  ;  and  they 
carried  on  pretty  high,  I  tell  you.    Well,  I  got  my  dander  up  too,  I  felt 
all  up  on  eend  like  ;  and,  thinks  I  to  myself,  my  lad,  if  I  get  a  clever 
chance,  I'll  give  you  such  a  quiltin  as  you  never  had  since  you  ivero 
raised  from  a  seedlin,  I  vow.     So,  says  I,  Mr.  Bradley,  I  guess  you  had 
bettor  let  me  be  ;  you  know  I  can't  fight  no  more  than  a  cow  ;  I  never 
was  brought  up  to  wranglin,  and  I  don't  like  it.     Haul  off  the  cowardly 
rascal,  they  all  bawled  out,  haul  him  off,  and  lay  it  into  him.     So  he  lays 
right  hold  of  me  by  the  collar,  and  gives  nie  a  pull;  and  I  lets  on  as  if 
I'd  lost  my  balance  and  falls  right  down.     Then  I  jumps  up  on  eend,  and 
says  I,  "go  ahead,  Clay,"  and  the  old  horse  he  sets  oil  ahead,  so  I  knew 
I  had  him  when  I  wanted  him.     Then  says  I,  I  hope  you  are  satisfied 
now,  Mr.  Bradley,  with  that  are  nngenteel  fall  you  gmn  me.     Well,  ho 
makes  a  blow  at  me,  and  I  dodged  it :  now,  says  I,  you'll  be  sorry  for 
this,  I  tell  you  ;  I  won't  be  traeted  this  way  for  nothin,  I'll  go  right  off 
and  swear  my  life  agin  you,  I'm  most  afeard  you'll  murder  me.     Well, 
he  strikes  at  nie  agin,  (ihinkin  he  had  a  genuine  soft  horn  to  deal  with,) 
and  hits  me  in  the  shoulder.     Now,  says  I,  I  won't  stand  here  to  bo 
lathered  like  a  dog  all  day  long  this  fashion,  it  aint  pretty  at  ail,  I  guess 
I'll  give  you  a  chase  for  it.     Off  I  sets  arter  my  horse  like  mad,  and  he 
arter  me,  (I  did  that  to  get  clear  of  the  crowd,  so  that  I  might  have  fair 
play  at  him.)     Well,  I  soon  found  I  had  the  heels  of  him,  and  could  play 
him  as  I  liked.     Then  1  slackened  up  a  little,  and  when  he  came  close 
up  to  me,  so  as  nearly  to  lay  his  hand  upon  me,  I  squatted  right  whap 
down,  all  short,  and  he  pitched  over  nie  near  about  a  rod  or  so,  I  guess, 
on  his  head,  and  ploughed  up  the  ground  with  his  nose,  the  matter  of  a 
foot  or  two.     If  he  didn't  polish  up  the  coulter,  and  both  mould  boards 
of  his  face,  it's  a  pity.     Now,  says  I,  you  had  l)etter  lay  where  you  be 
and  let  me  go,  for  I  am  proper  tired  ;  I  blow  like  a  horse  that's  got  the 
heaves ;  and  besides,  says  I,  I  guess  you  had  better  wash  yo'.ir  f,;re,  for 
I  am  most  afeard  you  hurt  yourself.     That  ryled  him  prop jrly  ;  I  iieant 
that  it  should  ;  so  he  ups  and  at  me  awful  spiteful,  like  a  bull ;  then  I 
lets  hitn  have  it,  right,  left,  right,  jist  three  cofkers,  beginning  with  the 
right  hand,  shiftin  to  the  left,  and  then  with  the  right  hand  agin.     This 
way  I  did  it,  said  the  Clockmaker,  (and  ho  showed  me  the  manner  in 
which  it  was  done) ;  it's  a  beautiful  way  of  hitting,  and  always  does  the 
business ;  a  blow  for  each  eye,  and  one  for  the  mouth.     It  sounds  like 
ten  pounds  ten  on  a  blacksmith's  anvil ;  I  bunged  up  both  eyes  for  him, 
and  put  in  the  dead  lights  in  two  tu's,  and  drew  three  of  his  teeth,  quicker 
a  plaguy  sight  than  the  Truro   doctor  could,  to  save   his    soul    alive. 
Now,  says  I,  my  friend,  when  you  recover  your  eyesight,  I  guess  you'll 
see  your  mistake  ;  I  warn't  born  in  the  woods  to  be  scared  by  an  owl. 
The  next  time  y  ju  feel  in  a  most  particular  elegant  good  humour,  come  to 
me,  and  I'll  play  you  the  second  part  of  that  identical  same  tune,  that's  a  fact. 


«8 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


Ill 


rl 


Witli  that  I  whistled  for  Old  Clay,  and  back  he  comes,  and  I  mounted 
and  ort",  jist  as  the  crowd  came  up.  The  folks  looked  staggered,  and 
wondered  a  little  grain  how  it  was  done  so  cleverly  in  short  metre.  If  I 
tlidn't  quilt  him  in  no  time,  you  may  depend  ;  I  went  right  slap  into  him, 
like  a  flash  of  lightning  into  a  gooseberry  bush.  He  found  his  suit  ready 
made  and  fitted  afore  he  thought  he  was  half  measured.  Thinks  I, 
friend  Bradley,  I  hope  you  know  yourself  now,  for  I  vow  no  livin  soul 
would  ;  you  swallowed  your  soup  without  singin  out  scaldins,  and  you're 
near  about  a  pint  and  a  hiilf  nearer  crying  than  larfin. 

Yes,  as  I  was  sayin,  this  "  Old  (Jlay"  is  a  real  knowin  one  ;  he's  as 
spry  as  a  colt  yet,  clear  grit,  ginger  to  the  back  bone  ;  I  can't  help 
a  thinkin  sometimes  the  breed  must  have  come  fiom  old  Kentuck,  half 
horse,  half  alligator,  with  a  cross  of  the  airthquake. 

I  hope  I  may  be  tee-totally  ruinated,  if  I'd  take  eight  hundred  dollars 
for  him.  Go  ahead,  you  old  clinker  built  villain,  said  he,  and  show  the 
gentleman  how  wonderful  handsum  you  can  travel.  Give  him  the  real 
Connecticut  quick  step.  That's  it ;  that's  the  way  to  carry  the  president's 
message  to  congress  from  Washington  to  New  York  in  no  time  ;  that's 
the  go  to  carry  a  gal'  from  Boston  to  Rhode  Island,  and  trice  her  up  to  a 
justice  to  be  married  afore  her  father's  out  of  bed  of  a  summer's  mornin. 
Aint  he  a  beauty  1  a  real  doll !  none  of  your  Cumberland  critters,  that 
the  more  you  quilt  them,  the  more  they  won't  go  ;  but  a  proper  one, 
that  will  go  free  gratis  for  nothin,  all  out  of  his  own  head  voluntcrnV/y. 
Y'es,  a  horse  hke  "  Old  Clay"  is  worth  the  whole  seed,  breed,  and  gene- 
ration of  them  Amherst  beasts  put  together.  He's  a  horse  every  inch  of 
him,  stock,  lock,  and  barrel,  is  Old  Clay. 


CHAPTER  XX. 
SISTER  SAL'S  COURTSHIP. 

There  goes  one  of  them  are  everlastin  rottin  poles  in  that  bridge ; 
they  are  no  better  than  a  trap  for  a  critter's  leg,  said  the  Clockmaker. 
They  remind  me  of  a  trap  Jim  Munroe  put  his  foot  in  one  night,  that 
near  about  made  one  leg  half  a  yard  longer  than  t'other.  I  believe  I 
told  you  of  him,  what  a  desperate  idle  feller  be  was ;  he  came  from 
Onion  county  in  Connecticut.  Well,  he  was  courtin  sister  Sal  ;  she 
was  a  real  handsum  looking  gal  ;  you  scarce  ever  seed  a  more  out  and 
out  complete  critter  than  she  was ;  a  firje  figur  head,  and  a  beautiful 
model  of  a  craft  as  any  in  the  state,  a  real  clipper,  and  as  full  of  fun  and 
frolic  as  a  kitten.  Well,  he  fairly  turned  Sal's  head ;  the  more  we 
wanted  her  to  give  him  up,  the  more  she  wouldn't,  and  we  got  plaguy 
oneasy  about  it,  for  his  character  was  none  of  thte  best.  He  was  a  univer- 
sal favourite  with  the  gals,  and  though  he  didn't  behave  very  pretty 
neither,  forgetting  to  marry  where  he  promised,  and  where  he  hadn't 
ought  to  have  forgot,  too ;  yet  so  it  was,  he  had  such  an  uncommon 
winnin  way  with  him,  he  could  talk  them  over  in  no  time  ;  Sal  was 
fairly  bewitched. 

At  last,  father  said  to  him  one  evening  when  he  came  a  courtin,  Jim, 
says  he,  you'll  never  come  to  no  good  if  you  act  like  old  Scratch  as  you 
do  ;  you  aint  fit  to  come  into  no  decent  man's  house  at  all,  and  your 
absence  would  be  ten  times  more  agreeable  than  your  company,  I  tell 
you.  I  won't  consent  to  Sal's  goin  to  them  are  huskin  parties  and 
quiltin  frolics  along  with  you  no  more,  on  no  account,  for  you  know  how 


ftlsTER  sal's  courtship. 


69 


Jim, 
as  you 
i  your 
,  I  tell 
s  and 
w  how 


Polly  Brown  and  Nancy  White .     Now  don't,  says  he,  now  don't^ 

Uncle  Sam ;  say  no  more  about  that ;  if  you  know'd  all,  you  wouldn't 
!<ay  it  was  my  fault ;  and  besides,  I  have  turned  right  about,  I  am  on  tother 
tack  now,  and  the  long  leg,  too  ;  I  am  as  steady  as  a  pump  boU,  now. 
I  intend  to  settle  myself  and  take  a  farm.  Yes,  yes,  and  you  could  stock 
it,  too,  by  all  accounts,  pretty  well,  unl«ssyou  are  much  misreported,  says 
father,  but  it  won't  do.  I  knew  your  father,  he  was  our  sargeant,  a  pro- 
per clever  and  brave  man  he  was,  too  ;  he  was  one  of  the  heroes  of  our 
glorious  revolution.  I  had  a  great  respect  for  him,  and  I  am  sorry,  for 
his  sake,  you  will  act  as  you  do;  but  1  tell  you  once  for  all,  you  must 
give  vip  all  thoughts  of  Sal,  now  and  for  everlastin.  When  Sal  heerd  this, 
she  began  to  nit  away  like  mad  in  a  desperate  hurry  ;  she  looked  foolish 
enough,  that's  a  fact.  First  she  tried  to  bite  in  her  breath,  and  looked 
as  if  there  was  nothin  particular  in  the  wind,  then  she  blushed  all  over 
like  scarlet  fever,  but  she  recovered  that  pretty  soon,  and  then  her  colour 
went  and  came,  and  came  and  went,  till  at  last  she  grew  as  white  as 
chalk,  and  down  she  fell  slap  off  her  seat  on  the  floor,  in  a  faintin 
lit.  I  see,  says  father,  I  see  it  now,  you  etarnal  villain,  and  he  made  a 
pull  at  the  old-fashioned  sword,  that  always  hung  over  the  fireplace, 
(we  used  to  call  it  old  Bunker,  for  his  stories  always  begun,  "  when  I 
was  at  Bunker's  hill,")  and  drawing  it  out  he  made  a  clip  at  him  as  wicked 
as  if  he  was  stabbing  a  rat  with  a  hay  fork  ;  but  Jim,  he  outs  of  the  door 
like  a  shot,  and  draws  it  too  arter  him,  and  father  sends  old  Biffiker  right 
through  the  panel.  I'll  chop  you  up  as  fine  as  mince  meat,  you  villain, 
said  he,  if  ever  I^  catch  you  inside  my  door  agin  ;  mind  what  1  tell  you, 
^^  ijouHl  swing  for  it  yd."  Well,  he  made  himself  considerable  scarce 
arter  that,  he  never  sot  foot  inside  the  door  agin,  and  I  thought  he  had 
ginn  up  all  hopes  of  Sal,  and  she  of  him  ;  when  one  night,  a  most  par- 
ticular uncommon  dark  night,  as  I  was  a  comin  home  from  neighbour 
Dearborne's,  I  heerd  some  one  a  talkin  under  Sal's  window.  Well,  I  stops 
and  listens,  and  who  should  be  near  the  ash  sapling  but  Jim  Monroe,  a 
tryin  to  persuade  Sal  to  run  otf  with  him  to  Rhode  Island  to  be  married. 
It  was  all  settled,  he  should  come  with  a  horse  and  shay  to  the  gate,  and 
then  help  her  out  of  the  window,  jist  at  nine  o'clock,  about  the  time  she 
commonly  went  to  bed.  Then  he  axes  her  to  reach  down  her  hand  for 
him  to  kiss,  (for  he  was  proper  clever  at  soft  sawder)  and  she  stretches 
t  down  and  he  kisses  it ;  and  says  he,  I  believe  I  must  have  the  whole 
of  you  out  after  all,  and  gives  her  a  jirk  that  kinder  startled  her  ;  it  came 
so  sudden  like  it  made  her  scream  ;  so  off  he  sot  hot  foot,  and  over  tho 
gate  in  no  time. 

Well,  I  ciphered  over  this  all  night,  a  calculatin  how  I  should  reci- 
procate that  trick  with  him,  and  at  last  I  hit  on  a  scheme.  I  recollected 
father's  words  at  partin,  "  mind  what  I  tell  you,  you'll  swing  for  it  yet ;" 
and,  thinks  I,  friend  Jim,  I'll  make  that  prophecy  come  true  yet,  I  guess. 
So  the  next  night,  jist  at  dark,  I  gives  January  Snow,  the  old  nigger,  a 
nidge  with  my  elbow,  and  as  soon  as  he  looks  up,  I  winks  and  walks  out 
and  he  arter  me  ;  says  I,  January,  can  you  keep  your  tongue  within  your 
teeth,  you  old  nigger,  you  ]  Wliy,  massa,  why  you  ax  that  are  ques- 
tion! my  Gor  Ormity,  you  tink  old  Snow  he  don't  know  that  are  yetT 
my  tongue  he  got  plenty  room  now,  debil  a  tooth  left,  he  can  stretch  out 
ever  so  far ;  like  a  little  leg  in  a  big  bed,  he  lay  quiet  enough,  massa, 
neber  fear.  Well  then,  says  I,  bend  down  that  are  ash  saplin  softly, 
you  old  Snowball,  and  make  no  noise.  The  saplin  was  no  sooner  bent 
than  secured  to  the  ground  by  a  notched  peg  and  a  noose,  and  a  slip 


I 


ro 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


m 


knot  was  suapended  from  the  tree,  ji(«t  over  the  track  that  led  from  the 

pathway  to  the  house.     Why,  my  Gor,  masaa,  that's  a .     Hold  your 

mug,  you  old  nigger,  says  I,  or  I'll  send  your  tongue  sarchin  arter  your 
tcctli ;  keep  quiet,  and  follow  me  in  presently. 

Well,  jist  as  it  struck  nine  o'clock,  says  J,  Sally,  hold  this  here  hank 
of  twine  for  a  minute,  till  I  wind  a  trifle  on  it  oflf;  that's  a  dear  critter. 
She  sot  down  her  candle,  and  I  put  the  twine  into  her  hands,  and  then 
I  begins  to  wind  and  wind  away  ever  so  slow,  and  drops  the  ball  every 
now  and  then,  so  as  to  keep  her  down  stairs.  Sam,  says  she,  I  do  be- 
lieve you  won't  wind  that  are  twine  off  all  night,  do  give  it  to  January,  I 
won't  stay  no  longer,  I'm  een  a  most  dead  ableep.  The  old  feller's  arm 
is  so  plaguy  onsteady,  says  I,  it  won't  do ;  but  hark,  what's  that  1  I'm 
sure  1  hccrd  something  in  the  ash  saplin,  didn't  you,  Sal  ?  I  heerd  the 
geese  there,  that's  all,  says  she,  they  always  come  under  the  window  at 
night  ;  but  she  looked  scared  enough,  and  says  she,  I  vow  I'm  tired  a 
holding  out  of  my  arms,  and  I  won't  do  it  no  longer ;  and  down  she 
throw'd  the  hank  on  the  floor.  Well,  says  I,  stop  one  minute,  dear,  till 
I  send  old  Januiiry  out  to  see  if  anybody  is  there  ;  perl  aps  some  o' 
neighbour  Dearborne's  cattle  have  broke  into  the  sarce  garden.  January 
wont  out,  though  Sal  say'd  it  was  no  use,  for  she  knew  the  noise  of  the 
^eese,  they  always  kept  close  to  the  house  at  night,  for  fear  of  the  var- 
tnin.  Presently  in  runs  old  Snow,  with  his  hair  standin  up  an  eend,  and 
the  whites  of  his  eyes  looking  as  big  as  the  rims  of  a  soup  plate  ;  Oh ! 
Gor  Ormity,  said  he,  oh  massa,  oh  Miss  Sally,  oh !  !  What  on  airth  is 
the  matter  with  you,  said)  Sally,  how  you  do  frighten  me  ;  I  vow  I  be- 
lieve you're  mad.  Oh  my  Gor,  said  he,  oh,  massa  Jim'  Munroe  he  hang 
himself  on  the  ash  saplin  under  Miss  Sally's  window  ;  Oh  my  Gor  !  !  ! 
That  shot  was  a  settler — it  struck  poor  Sal  right  atwixt  wind  and 
water ;  she  gave  a  lurch  ahead,  and  then  heeled  over,  and  sunk  right 
down  in  another  faintin  fit ;  and  Juno,  old  Snow's  wife,  carried  her  off  and 
laid  her  down  on  the  bed — poor  thing,  she  felt  ugly  enough,  I  do  suppose. 

Well,  father,  I  thought  he'd  a  fainted  too,  he  was  so  struck  up  all  of  a 
heap,  he  was  completely  bung  fungercd ;.  dear,  dear,  said  he,  I  didn't 
think  it  would  come  to  pass  so  soon,  but  I  knew  it  would  come ;  I  fore- 
told it,  says  I,  the  last  time  I  seed  him,  Jim,  says  I,  mind  what 
I  say  to  you,  "  You'll  swing  for  it  yet."  Give  me  the  swcrd  I  wore 
when  I  was  at  Bunker's  hill,  maybe  there's  Ufe  yet,  I'll  cut  him  down. 
The  lantern  was  soon  made  ready,  and  out  we  went  to  the  ash  saplin. 
Cut  me  down,  Sam,  that's  a  good  fellow,  said  Jim,  all  the  blood  in  my 
body  has  swashed  into  n»y',head,  and's  a  runnin  out  o'  my  nose ;  I'm  een 
a  most  smothered  ;  be  quick,  for  heaven's  sake.  The  Lord  be  praised, 
said  father,  the  poor  sinner  is  not  quite  dead  yet.  Why,  as  I'm  alive — 
well,  if  that  don't  beat  all  natur,  why,  he  has  hanged  himself  by  one  leg, 
and's  a  swingin  like  a  rabbit  upside  down,  thai^s  a  fact.  Why,  if  he  aint 
snared,  Sam ;  he  is  properly  wired,  I  declare  ;  I  vow  this  is  som  eo' 
your  doins,  Sam  ;  well,  it  was  a  clever  scheme  too,  but  a  little  grain  too 
dangerous,  I  guess.  Don't  stand  starin  and  jawin  there  all  night,  said 
Jim ;  cut  me  down,  I  tell  you,  or  cut  my  throat,  and  be  damned  to  you, 
for  I'm  chokin  with  blood.  Roll  over  that  are  hogshead,  old  Snow,  said 
I,  till  I  get  a  top  on  it  and  cut  him  down ;  so  I  soon  released  him,  but 
he  couldn't  walk  a  bit.  His  ankle  was  swelled  and  sprained  like  venge- 
ance, and  he  swore  one  leg  was  near  about  six  inches  longer  than  tother. 
Jim  Munroe,  says  father,  little  did  I  think  I  should  ever  see  you  inside 
my  door  agin,  but  I  bid  you  enter  now,  we  owe  you  that  kindness  any  how. 

Well,  to  make  a  long  story  short,  Jim  was  so  chop-fallen,  and  so  dowft 


in  t 
8ai( 
Stat 
run 

tofJ 

be 

fath 

our 

had 

the 

he 

to 

anc 

a  y 

wo 

till 

fath 


SETTING  Vr  POR  OOVERNOIC. 


71 


in  the  mouth,  he  begged  for  heaven's  sake  it  might  be  kept  a  secret ;  he 
said  lie  would  run  the  state,  if  ever  it  got  wind,  he  was  sure  he  couldn't 
stand  it.  It  will  be  one  while,  I  guess,  said  father,  afore  you  are  able  to 
run  or  stand  either ;  but  if  you  will  give  me  your  hand,  Jim,  and  promise 
to  give  over  /our  evil  ways,  I  will  not  only  keep  it  secret,  but  you  shall 
be  a  welcome  guest  at  old  Sam  Slick's  once  more,  for  the  sake  of  your 
father ;  he  was  a  brave  man,  one  of  the  heroes  of  Bunker's  hill,  he  was 

our  sargeant,  and .     He  promises,  says  I,  father,  (for  the  old  man 

had  stuck  his  right  foot  out,  the  way  he  always  stood  when  he  told  about 
the  qld  war ;  and  as  Jim  couldn't  stir  a  peg,  it  was  a  grand  chance,  and 
ho  was  a  goin  to  give  him  the  whole  revolution,  from  General  Gage  up 
to  Independence,)  he  promises,  says  I,  father.  Well,  it  was  all  settled, 
and  things  soon  grew  as  calm  as  a  pan  of  milk  two  days  old ;  and  afore 
a  year  was  over,  Jim  was  as  steady  agoin  man  as  Minister  Joshua  Hope- 
well, and  was  married  to  our  Sal.  Nothin  was  ever  said  about  the  snare 
till  arter  the  weddin.  When  the  minister  had  finished  axin  a  blessin, 
father  goes  up  to  Jim,  and  says  he,  Jim  Munroe,  my  boy,  givin  him  a 
rousin  slap  on  the  shoulder  that  sot  him  a  coughin  for  the  matter  of  five 
minutes,  (for  he  was  a  mortal  powerful  man,  was  father,)  Jim  Munroe,  my 
boy,  says  he,  you've  got  the  snare  round  the  nock,  I  guess  now,  instead 
of  your  leg ;  the  saplin  has  been  a  father  to  you,  you  may  be  the  father 
of  many  saplins. 

We  had  a  most  special  time  of  it,  you  may  depend,  all  except  the  minis- 
ter ;  father  got  him  into  a  corner,  and  gave  him  chapter  and  verse  for  the 
whole  war.  Every  now  and  then  as  I  come  near  them,  I  heard  Bun- 
ker's hill,  Brandywine,  Clinton,  Gales,  and  so  on.  It  was  broad  day 
when  we  parted,  and  the  last  that  went  was  poor  minister.  Father  fol- 
lowed him  clean  down  to  the  gate,  and,  says  he.  Minister,  we  hadn't  time 
this  hitch,  or  I'd  a  told  you  all  about  the  Evakxjation  of  New  York,  but 
I'll  tell  you  that  the  next  time  we  meet. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

SETTING  UP  FOR  GOVERNOR. 

I  NEVER  see  one  of  them  queer  little  old-fashioned  teapots,  like  that 
are  in  the  cupboard  of  Marm  Pugwash,  said  tht  Clockmaker,  that  I  don't 
think  of  Lawyer  Crowninshield  and  his  wife.  When  I  was  down  to 
Rhode  Island  last  I  spent  an  evening  with  them.  After  I  had  been 
there  awhile,  the  black  house-help  brought  in  a  little  home-made  dipped 
candle,  stuck  in  a  turnip  sliced  in  two,  to  make  it  stand  straight,  and  sot 
it  down  on  the  table.  Why,  says  the  lawyer  to  his  wife.  Increase,  my 
dear,  what  on  earth  is  the  ineanin  o'  that]  What  does  little  Viney 
mean  by  bringin  in  such  a  light  as  this,  that  aint  fit  for  even  a  log  hut  of 
one  of  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens  away  down  east ;  whe're's  the 
lamp!  My  dear,  says  she,  I  ordered  it;  you  know  they  are  a  goin  to 
set  you  up  for  governor  next  year,  and  I  allot  we  must  economize  or  we 
will  be  ruined  ;  the  salary  is  only  four  hundred  dollars  a  year,  you  know, 
and  you'll  have  to  give  up  your  practice  ;  we  can't  afford  nothin  now. 
''  Well,  when  tea  was  brought  in,  there  was  a  little  wee  china  teapot, 
that  held  about  the  matter  of  half  a  pint  or  fo,  and  cups  and  sarcers 
about  the  bigness  of  children's  toys.  When  he  seed  that,  he  grew  most 
peskily  ryled,  his  under  lip  curled  down  like  a  peach  leaf  that's  got  a 
worm  in  it,  and  he  stripped  his  teeth  and  showed  his  grinders,  like  a 


M      *! 


I     ' 


11,     I 


it 


; 


I 


72 


TUB    CLOCKMAKER. 


bull  (log.  What  foolery  is  this,  mu[  ho  1  My  dear,  said  she,  it's  thu 
foolery  of  being  governor ;  if  you  choose  to  sacrifice  all  your  comfort 
to  being  the  first  rung  in  the  ladder,  don't  blame  me  for  it.  I  didn't  nomi- 
rmtti  you,  I  had  not  art  nor  part  in  it.  It  was  cooked  up  at  that  are  con- 
vention, at  Town  Hall.  Well,  he  sot  for  some  time  without  sayin  a  word, 
lookin  iis  black  as  a  thunder  cloud,  juat  ready  to  make  all  natur  crack 
Hgin.  At  last  ho  gets  up,  and  walks  round  behind  his  wife's  chair,  and 
takin  her  face  between  his  two  hands,  he  turns  it  up  and  gives  her  a  buss 
that  went  off  like  a  pistol,  it  fairly  made  my  mouth  water  to  see  him ; 
thinks  I,  them  lips  aiiit  a  bad  bank  to  deposit  one's  spare  kissas  in, 
neither.  Increase,  my  dear,  said  he,  I  b(  lieve  you  :<ie  half  right,  I'll  de- 
cline to-morrow,  I'll  have  notbin  to  do  with  it ;  I  won't  be  a  governor, 
on  no  account. 

Well,  she  had  to  haw  and  gee  like,  both  a  little,  afore  she  could  get 
her  head  out  of  his  hands  ;  and  then  she  said,  Zachariah,  says  she,  how 
you  d.i  act,  aint  you  ashamed  ?  Do  for  gracious  sake  behave  yourself : 
and  she  coloured  up  all  over  like  a  crimson  piany  ;  if  you  haven't  foozled 
all  my  hair  too,  that's  a  fact,  says  she ;  and  she  put  her  curls  to  rights, 
and  looked  as  pleased  as  fun,  though  poutin  all  the  time,  and  walked  right 
out  of  the  room.  Presently  in  come  two  well-dressed  house-helps,  ono 
with  a  splendid  gilt  Inmp,  a  real  London  touch,  and  another  with  a  tea 
tray,  with  a  large  solid  silver  coffee-pot,  and  tea-pot,  and  a  cream  jug, 
and  sugar  bowl,  of  the  same  genuine  metal,  and  a  most  an  elegant  set  of 
re;il  gilt  china.  Then  in  came  Marm  Crowninshield  herself,  lookin  as 
proud  as  if  she  would  not  call  the  president  her  cousin  ;  and  she  gave 
the  lawyer  a  look,  as  much  as  to  say,  I  guess  when  Mr.  Slick  is  gone, 
I'll  pay  you  off  that  are  kiss  with  interest,  you  dear  you ;  I'll  answer  a 
bill  at  sight  for  it,  I  will,  you  may  depend. 

I  believe,  said  he  agin,  you  are  right.  Increase,  my  dear,  it's  an  expen- 
sive kind  of  honour  that  bein  governor,  and  no  great  thanks  neither ; 
great  cry  and  little  wool,  all  talk  and  no  cider;  it's  enough  I  guess  for  a 
man  to  govern  his  own  family,  aint  it,  dear?  Sarlin,  my  love,  said  she, 
sartin,  a  man  is  never  so  much  in  his  own  proper  sphere  as  there ;  and 
besides,  said  she,  his  will  is  supreme  to  home,  there  is  no  danger  of  any 
one  nonconcurring  him  there,  and  she  gave  me  a  r.Iy  look,  as  much  as  to  say, 
I  let  him  think  he  is  master  in  his  own  house,  for  when  ladies  wear  the 
breeches,  their  petticoats  ought  to  be  long  enough  to  hide  them ;  but  1 
allot,  Mr.  Slick,  you  can  see  with  half  an  eye  that  the  "  gray  mare  is 
the  better  horse  here." 

What  a  pity  it  is,  continued  the  Clockmaker,  that  the  blue-noses  would 
not  take  a  leaf  out  of  Marm  Crowninshield's  book  ;  talk  more  of  their 
own  affairs  and  less  of  politics.  I'm  sick  of  the  everlastin  sound  of 
house  of  assembly,  and  council,  and  great  folks.  They  never  alleviate 
talking  about  them  from  .luly  to  ctarnily. 

I  had  a  curious  conversation  about  politics  once,  away  up  to  the  right 
here.  Do  you  see  that  are  house,  said  he,  in  the  field,  that's  got  a 
lurcii  to  leevvard,  like  a  north  river  sloop,  struck  with  a  squall,  off  West 
Point,  lopsided  like  ?  It  looks  like  Seth  Pine,  a  tailor  down  to  Hartford, 
that  h,id  one  Jcg  shorter  than  t'other,  when  he  stood  at  ease  at  malitia 
trainin,  a  restin  on  the  littlest  one.  Well,  I  had  a  special  frolic  there 
the  l?st  time  I  passed  this  way.  I  lost  the  linch  pin  out  of  my  forred 
axle,  ind  I  turned  up  there  to  get  it  sot  to  rights.  Just  as  I  drove  through 
the  g}  te,  I  saw  the  eldest  gal  a  makin  for  the  house  for  dear  life  ;  she 
had  a  short  petticoat  on  that  looked  like  a  kilt,  and  her  bare  legs  put  me 


«BTTl>)ri  UP  rOR  OOVItlNOR. 


VI 


lie,  it's  the 
ur  comfort 
ilidn't  nomi- 
hat  are  cori- 
lyin  a  word, 
iiatur  crack 
i  chair,  and 
i  her  a  buss 

0  see  him ; 

1  kisses  in, 
ght,  I'll  de- 
a  governor, 

i  could  got 

s  she,  how 

e  yourself: 

in't  foozled 

i  to  rights, 

aikcd  right 

-helps,  ono 

with  a  tea 

;ream  jug, 

gant  set  of 

lookin  as 

she  gave 

k  is  gone, 

answer  a 

an  expen- 
i  neither ; 
uess  for  a 
,  said  she, 
here ;  and 
yet  of  any 
1  as  to  say, 

wear  the 
5m ;  but  1 
y  mare  is 

ises  would 

e  of  their 

sound  of 

r  alleviate 

t  the  right 
it's  got  a 
oft"  West 
Hartford, 
at  malitia 
olic  there 
my  forred 
e  through 
life  ;  she 
js  put  me 


in  mind  of  the  long  shnnks  of  a  bittern  down  in  a  rush  swamp,  a  drivin 
away  like  m;id  full  chiz«l  artor  a  frog.  I  could  not  think  what  on  airth 
was  the  matter.  Thinks  I,  she  wants  to  make  herself  look  decent  .'ika 
afore  I  gRt  in,  she  don't  like  to  pull  her  stockin){son  afore  me  ;  su  I  pulls 
up  the  old  horse  and  let  her  have  a  fair  start.  Well,  when  I  came  to 
the  door,  I  heard  a  proper  scuddin  ;  there  was  a  regular  flight  into  Egypt, 
jist  8uch  a  niMse  as  little  childrrn  make  when  the  mistress  comes  sud- 
lienly  into  school,  all  a  buddlin  and  scroudgin  into  their  scats  as  quick 
as  wink.  Dear  me,  sayd  the  old  n'oniiin,  as  she  put  her  head  out  of  a 
broken  window  to  avai(  who  it  was,  is  it  you,  Mr.  Slick!  I  sniggers,  if 
you  did  not  frighten  us  properly,  we  actilly  thought  it  was  the  sheritf ; 
do  como  in. 

Poor  thine,  she  looked  half  starved  and  half  savage,  hunger  and  tcm« 
per  had  madtj  proper  strong  tines  in  her  face,  like  water  furrows  in  a 
ploughed  fiflld  ;  she  lool<»d  hony  and  thin,  like  a  horse  that  has  had  more 
work  than  oats,  and  hai  a  wicked  expression,  as  though  it  warn't  over 
safe  to  come  too  neat  her  heels  ;  an  everlastin  kicker.  You  may  come 
out,  John,  said  she  to  her  hu.sband,  it's  only  Mr.  Slick  ;  and  out  cam« 
lohn  from  under  the  bed  backwards,  on  all  fours,  like  an  o.t  out  of  the 
shnein  frame,  or  a  lobster  skullin  wrong  eend  foremost ;  he  looked  as 
wild  as  a  hawk.  Well,  I  swan  I  thought  I  should  have  split,  I  could 
hardly  keep  from  bursting  right  out  with  larfter  ;  he  was  all  covered  with 
leathers,  lint,  and  dust,  the  savins  of  all  the  svveepins  since  the  house 
was  built,  shoved  under  there  for  tidiness.  He  actilly  sneezed  for  the 
matter  of  ten  minutes  ;  he  seemed  half-choked  with  the  flaff  and  stufl^ 
that  came  out  with  him  i  •  n  a  cloud.  Lord,  he  looked  like  a  goose  half- 
picked,  as  if  all  the  <;.  illn  verc  gone,  but  the  pen  feathers  «nd  dovvQ 
were  left,  jist  ready  for  singm  and  stuffin.  He  put  me  in  mind  of  a  sick 
adjutan'.,  a  great  tall  hulkin  bird,  that  comes  from  the  East  Indgies,  a 
most  as  high  as  a  man,  and  most  as  knowin  as  a  blue-nose.  I'd  a  ginn 
a  hundred  dollars  to  have  had  tin:it  chap  as  a  show  at  a  fair,  tar  and 
feathers  warn't  half  as  nateia!.  You've  seen  a  gal  both  larf  and  cry  at 
the  same  time,  haven't  you  1  wnell,  I  bope  I  may  bo  shot  if  I  couldn't  have 
done  the  same.  To  see  that  critter  come  like  a  turkey  out  of  a  bag  at 
Christmas,  to  be  fired  at  for  two  cents  a  shot,  was  as  good  as  play ;  but 
to  look  round  and  see  the  poverty,  the  half  naked  children,  the  old  pine 
stumps  for  chairs,  a  small  bin  of  poor  watery  yaller  potatoes  in  the  cor- 
ner, daylight  through  the  sides  and  roof  of  the  house,  looking  like  the 
tarred  seams  of  a  ship,  all  black  where  the  smoke  got  out ;  no  utensils 
for  cookingor  eatin,  and  starvation  wrote  as  plain  as  a  nandbill  on  their  hol- 
ler checks,  skinny  fingers,  and  sunk  eyes,  went  right  straight  to  the  heart. 
I  do  declare  I  believe  I  should  have  cried,  only  they  didn't  seem  to  mind 
it  themselves.  They  had  beea  used  to  it,  like  a  man  that's  married  to  a 
thunderin  ugly  wife,  he  gets  so  accustomed  to  the  look  of  her  everlastin 
dismal  mug,  that  he  don't  think  her  ugly  at  all. 

Wdt,  there  was  another  chap  a  settin  by  the  fire,  and  he  did  look  as 
if  he  saw  it  and  felt  it  too,  he  didn't  seem  over  half  pleased,  you  may  de- 
pend. He  was  the  district  schoolmaster,  and  he  told  me  he  was  takin  a 
spell  at  board  in  there,  for  it  was  their  turn  to  keep  him.  Thinks  I  to 
myself,  poor  devil,  you've  brought  your  pigs  to  a  pretty  market,  that's  a 
fact.  I  see  how  it  is,  the  blue-noses  can't  cipher.  The  cat's  out  of  the 
bag  now,  it's  no  wonder  they  don't  go  ahead,  for  they  don't  know  nothin' ; 
the  schoolmaster  is  abroad,  with  the  devil  to  it,  for  he  has  no  home  "t 
all.     Why,  squire,  you  might  jist  as  well  expect  a  horse  to  go  right  off 

G 


'0 


74 


THE  CLOCKMAKKk. 


in  genr,  before  he  is  haltor  broke,  as  a  blue-nose  to  get  on  in  the  world, 
tvhen  he  hns  got  no  sclioolin. 

But  to  get  back  to  my  story.  Well,  says  I,  how's  times  with  you,  Mrs. 
Spry  1  Dull,  says  she,  very  dull,  there's  no  markets  now,  things  don't 
fetch  nothin.  Thinks  I,  som'  folks  hadn't  ought  to  complain  of  markets, 
for  they  don't  raise  nolhia  t  >  sell,  but  I  didn't  say  so  ;  for  poverty  i»  keen 
enough,  without  sharpening  its  edge  by  pokin  fun  at  it.  Potatoes,  says 
I,  will  fetch  a  good  price  t'.iis  fall,  for  it's  a  short  crop  in  a  general  way  ; 
how's  yourn'!  (Jrand,  says  she,  as  complete  as  ever  you  seed  ;  our  tops 
were  small  and  didn't  look  well ;  but  we  have  the  handsomest  bottoms, 
it  is  generally  allowed,  in  all  our  plnce  :  you  never  seed  the  beat  of  them, 
they  are  actilly  worth  loukin  at.  I  vow  I  had  to  lake  a  chaw  of  tobacky 
to  keep  from  snorting  right  out,  it  sounded  so  queer  like.  Thinks  I  to 
myself,  old  lady,  it's  a  pity  you  couldn't  he  chf  iged  eend  for  eend  then, 
as  some  folks  do  their  stockings  :  it  would  improve  the  looks  of  your  dial 
plate  ama^inly  then,  that's  a  fact. 

Now,  there  was  human  natur,  squire,  said  the  Clockmaker.  there  wa» 
pride  even  in  that  hovel.  It  is  found  in  rags  as  well  as  kungs'  robes, 
where  butter  is  spread  with  the  thumb  as  well  as  the  silver  knife,  natur 
is  natur,  wherever  you  find  it. 

Jist  then,  in  came  one  or  two  neighbours  to  s«e  tlie  sport,  for  they 
took  me  for  u  sheritF  or  a  constable,  or  something  of  that  breed,  and  when 
tboy  liaw  it  was  me  they  sot  down  to  hear  the  news  ;  they  fell  right  to 
at  politics  as  keen  as  anything,  as  if  it  had  been  a  dish  of  real  Connecti- 
cut slap  jacks,  or  hominy  ;  or  what  is  better  still,  a  glass  of  real  ge- 
nuine splendid  mint  ju\ep,  irhe-ue-vp,  it  fHirly  makes  my  mouth  water  to 
thiiil:  of  it.  I  wonder,  says  one,  what  they  will  do  for  us  this  v/inter  in 
the  house  of  assembly  1  Nothin,  says  the  other,  they  never  do  nothin 
but  what  the  great  people  at  Halifax  tell  'em.  Squire  Yeoman  is  the 
man,  he'll  pay  up  the  great  folks  this  hitch,  he'll  let  'tm  have  their  own, 
he's  jist  the  boy  that  can  do  it.  Says  I,  I  wish  I  couhl  say  all  men  were 
as  honest  then,  for  I  am  afeatd  there  are  a  great  many  won't  pay  nie  up 
this  winter  ;  I  should  hke  to  trade  with  your  friend,  who  is  he  1  Why, 
aaya  he,  he  is  the  member  for  Isle  Sable  county,  and  if  he  don't  let  the 

frcat  .folks  have  it,  it's  a  pity.  Who  do  you  call  great  folks,  for,  i<aid  I, 
vow,  I  haven't  seed  one  since  I  came  here  1  The  only  one  that  I  know 
that  comes  near  hand  to  one  is  Nicholas  Overknocker,  that  lives  all  along 
ahore,  about  Margaret's  Bay,  and  he  is  a  great  man,  it  takes  a  yoke  of 
oxen  to  drag  him,  When  I  first  seed  him,  says  I,  what  on  airth  is  the 
matter  o'  that  man,  has  he  the  dropsy,  for  he  is  actilly  the  greatest  man 
I  ever  seed  ;  h«  inust  weigh  the  matter  ol  five  hundred  weight ;  he'd  cut 
Uiree  inches  on  the  rib,  he  must  have  a  proper  sight  of  lard,  that  chap  1 
No,  says  I,  don't  call  'em  great  men,  for  there  aint  a  great  m.m  in  the 
country,  that's  a  fact ;  there  aint  one  that  desarves  the  viame  ;  folks  will 
only  larf  at  you  if  you  tt»lk  that  way.  There  may  Ive  some  rich  men, 
,and  I  believe  there  bo,  and  it's  a  pity  there  warn't  more  on  'em,  and  a  still 
greater  pity  they  have  so  little  spirit  or  enterprise  among  'em,  but  th»> 
country  is  non«  the  worse  having  rich  men  ir\  it,  you  may  depend,  Great 
folks  !  weH,  come,  that's  a  good  joke,  that  bangs  the  bush.  No,  my  friend, 
aays  I,  the  meat  that's  at  the  (op  of  the  barrel,  is  sometimes  not  so 
good  as  that  that's  a  little  grain  lower  down  ;  the  upper  and  lower  eends  are 
plaguy  apt  to  have  a  little  taint  in  'em,  but  the  middle  is  always  good. 

Well,  says  the  blue-nose,  perhaps  they  beant  great  men,  cxactlyin  that 
■cnse,  but  tliey  are  great  men  compared  to  us  poor  mlks ;  and  they  eat 


vml 
tell 
Wl 

allf 

a  (.'I 


SKTTIHO  OP  FOR  GOVERNOR. 


n 


op  alt  the  revenue,  there's  nothin  left  for  roads  and  bridges,  they  want  to 
ruin  the  country,  that's  a  fact.     Want  to  ruin  your  granny,  8^y8  I,  (for  it 
raised  my  dander  to  hear  the  critter  talk  such  nonsense.)  I  did   hear  of 
ono  chap,  says  I,  that  sot  fire  to  his  own  house  once,  up  to  Squantum, 
but  the  cunnin  rascal  ensured  it  first ;  now  how  can  yourgreat  folks  ruin 
the  country  without  ruinin  themselves,  unless  they  have  ensured  the  pro- 
vince !  our  folks  will  ensure  all  creation  for  half  nothin,  butTnevd  heerd 
tell  of  a  country  being  ensured  agin  rich  men.     Now  if  you  ever  go  to 
Wall  street  to  get  such  a  policy,  leave  the  door  open  behind  you,  tnat't 
all .;  or  tiiey'll  grab  right  hold  of  yon,  shave  your  head  and  blister  it,  clap 
a  strait  jacket  on  you,  and  whip  you  right  into  a  mad  house,  afore  yoa 
can  say  Jack  Robinson.     No,  your  great  men  are  nothin  but  rich  men, 
and  I  can  tell  you  for  your  comfort,  there's  nothin  to  hinder  you  from  bein 
rich  too,  if  you  will  lake  the  same  means  as  they  did.     They  were  once 
all  as  poor  folks  as  you  be,  or  their  fathers  afore  them  ;  for  I  know  their 
whole  breed,  seed,  and  generation,  and  they  wouldn't  thank  you  to  tell 
them  that  you  knew  their  fathers  and  grandfathers,  I  tell  you.     If  evar 
you  want  the  loan  of  a  hundred  pounds  from  any  of  them,  keep  dark  about 
that,  sea  as  far  ahead  as  you  please,  but  it  aint  always   pleasant  to  have 
folks  see  too  far  back.     Perhaps  they  be  a  litt.e  proud  or  so,  but  that's 
nateral ;  all  folks  that  grow  up  right  off,  like  a  mushroom  in  one  night  are 
apt  10  think  no  small  beer  of  themselves.     A  cabbage  has  plaguy  large 
leaves  to  the  bottom,  and  spreads  them  out  as  wide  as  an  old  woman's 
petticoats,  to  hide  the  ground  it  sprung  from,  and  conceal  its  extraction, 
tout  what's  that  to  you  1     If  they  get  too  large  salaries,  dock  'em  down 
at  once,  but  don't  keep  talkin  about  it  for  everlastinly.     If  you  have  too 
many   servants,    pay  some  of  'em  off,  or  when  they   quit  your   sarvice 
don't  hire  others  in  their  room,  that's  all,  but  you  miss  your  mark  when 
you  keep  firin  away  the  vi^hole  blessed  time  that  way. 

I  went  out  a  gunnin  wlien  I  was  a  hoy,  and  father  went  with  me  to 
teach  me.  Well,  the  first  flock  of  plover  I  scfd  I  let  slip  at  them  and 
missed  them.  Says  father,  says  he,  what  a  blockhead  you  be,  Sam,  thai** 
your  own  fault,  they  were  too  far  off,  you  hadn't  ought  to  have  fired  80 
soon.  At  Bunker's  Hill  we  let  the  British  come  right  on  till  we  seed 
the  tvhites  of  ,.heir  eyes,  and  then  we  let  them  have  it  slap  bang.  Well, 
I  felt  kinder  grigged  at  niissin  my  shoi,  and  I  didn't  over  half  like  to  be 
scolded  too  ;  so  says  I,  yes,  father ;  but  recollect  you  had  a  mud  bank  to 
hide  oehind,  where  you  were  proper  safe,  and  you  had  a  rest  for  yont 
guns  too ;  but  as  soon  as  yon  seed  a  little  more  than  the  whites  of  thoir 
eyes,  you  run  for  your  dear  life,  full  split,  and  so  I  don't  see  much  to  brag 
on  in  that  arter  all,  so  come  now.     I'll  teach  you  to  talk  that  way,  you 

foppy  you,  said  he,  of  that  glorious  day  ;  and  he  fetched  me  a  wipe  that 
do  believe,  if  i  hadn't  a  dodged,  would  have  spoiled  my  gunnin  for  that 
hitch  ;  so  I  gave  him  a  wide  birth  arter  that  all  day.  Well,  the  next 
time  I  missed,  says  I,  she  hung  fire  so  everlastinly,  it's  no  wonder,  and 
the  next  rmss,  says  I,  the  powder  is  not  good,  I  vow.  Well,  I  missed 
every  ehoi,  and  I  had  an  excuse  for  every  one  on  'em — the  tiint  was  bad, 
or  she  flashed  in  the  pan,  or  the  shot  scaled,  or  something  or  another  ; 
and  when  all  wouldn't  do,  I  swore  the  gun  was  no  good  at  all.  Now, 
says  father,,  (and  he  edged  up  all  the  time,  to  pay  me  off  for  that  hit  at 
his  Bunker  Hill  story,  which  was  the  only  shot  I  didn't  miss,)  you  haven't 
got  the  right  reason  arter  all.     It  was  your  own  fault,  Sam. 

Now  that's  jist  the  case  with  you  ;  you  may  blame  banks,  and  council 
and  house  of  assembly,  and  "  the  great  men,"  till  you  are  tired,  but  it'* 


lA 


n 


TMR  CLOCKMAXBK. 


all  your  own  fault — you've  no  spirit  and  no  enterprise,  yon  want  industry 
and  economy  ;  use  them,  and  you'll  soon  he  as  rich  as  the  people  at 
Halifax  you  call  great  folks — they  didn't  grow  rich  by  talking,  ImU  by 
workin ;  instead  of  lookin  after  other  folks'  business,  they  looked  about 
the  keenest  Rrter  their  own.  You  are  like  the  machinery  of  one  of  our 
boats,  good  enough,  and  strong  enough,  but  of  no  airthly  use  till  you  get 
the  steam  up  i  you  want  to  be  set  in  motion,  and  then  you'll  go  ahead 
like  anything,  you  may  depend.  Give  up  politics  ;  it's  a  barren  field,  and 
well  watched  too;  where  one  critter  ^um}>s  a  fence  into  a  good  field  and 
gets  fat,  more  nor  twenty  are  chased  round  ami  round,  by  a  whole  pack 
of  yelpin  curs,  till  they  are  fairly  beat  out,  and  eend  by  bein  half  starved, 
and  are  at  the  liftin  at  last.  Look  to  your  farms,  your  water  powers, 
your  fisheries,  and  factories.  In  short,  says  I,  puttin  on  my  hat  and 
»tartin,  look  to  yourselye9»  and  don't  look  to  others. 


CHAPTER  XXir. 
A  CURE  FOR  CONCEIT. 

It's  a  most  curioiu  unaccountable  thing,  but  it's  a  fact,  said  the  Clock'* 
maker,  the  blue-noses  are  so  conceited,  they  think  they  know  everything ; 
and  yet  there  aint  a  livin  soul  in  Nova  Scotia  knows  his  own  business 
real  complete,  farmer  or  fisherman,  lawyer  or  doctor,  or  any  other  folk. 
A  farmer  said  to  me  one  day,  up  to  Pugnose's  inn,  at  River  Philip,  Mr. 
Slick,  says  he,  I  allot  this  amt  "  a  bread  country  ;"  I  intend  to  sell  off 
the  house  I  improve,  and  go  to  the  states.  If  it  aint  a  bread  country, 
•aid  I,  I  never  seed  one  that  was.  There  is  more  bread  used  here,  made 
of  best  superfine  flour,  and  Na  1  Genesee,  than  in  any  other  place  of 
the  same  population  in  the  univarse.  You  might  as  well  say  it  aint  a 
clock  country,  when,  to  my  sartin  knowledge,  there  are  more  clocks  than 
bibles  in  it.  I  guess  you  expect  to  raise  your  bread  ready  made,  don^'t 
you  ?  Well,  there's  only  one  class  of  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens 
that  can  do  that,  and  that's  them  that  are  born  with  silver  spoons  iu  their 
mouths.  It's  a  pity  you  wasn't  availed  of  this  truth,  afore  you  np  killoch 
and  off — take  my  advice  and  bide  where  you  be. 

Well„  the  fishermen  are  jist  as  bad.  The  next  time  you  go  into  the 
fish-market  at  Halifax,  stump  some  of  the  old  hands  ;  says  you,  "  how 
many  fins  has  a  cod,  at  a  word,"  and  I'll  liquidate  the  bet  if  you  lose  it. 
When  I've  been  along-shore  afore  now,  a  vendm  of  my  clocks,  and  they 
began  to  raise  my  dandtr,  by  belittling  the  Yankees,  I  always  brought 
them  up  by  a  round  turn  by  that  requirement,  "  how  many  fins  has  a  cod, 
at  a  word."  Well,  they  nevei  could  answer  it ;  and  then,  says  I,  when 
you  larn  your  own  business,  I  guess  it  will  be  lime  enough  to  teach  other 
folks  theirn. 

How  different  it  is  with  our  men  folk,  if  they  can't  get  through  a  ques- 
tion, how  beautifully  they  can  go  round  it,  can't  they  1  Nothin  never 
stops  them  :  I  had  two  brothers,  Josiah  and  Eldad,  one  was  a  lawyer, 
and  the  other  a  doctor.  They  were  a  talkin  about  their  examinations 
one  niffht  at  a  huskin  frolic,  up  to  Governor  Bali's  big  stone  barn  at 
Slickville.  Says  Josey,  when  I  was  examined,  the  judge  axed  me  all 
about  real  estate  ;  and,  says  he,  Josiah,  says  he,  what's  a  fee  1  Why, 
says  T,  Judge,  it  depends  on  the  natur  of  the  case.  In  a  common  one, 
•ays  I,  I  call  six  dollars  a  pretty  fair  one ;  but  lawyer  Webster  has  got 
afore  now,  I've  heard  tell,  1,000  dollars,  and  that  i  do  call  a  fee.    Well, 


i.  COKB  ton  CONCIIT. 


n 


th«  judge  he  larfed  ready  to  split  his  sides ;  (thinks  I,  old  chap,  you'll 
bust  like  a  steam  byler,  if  you  haven't  got  a  safety  valve  somewhere  olr 
another,)  and  says  he,  I  vow  that's  superfine  ;  I'll  endorse  your  certificate 
for  you,  young  man  ;  there's  no  fear  of  you,  you'll  pass  the  inapection 
brand  any  how. 

Well,  says  ICIdad,  I  hope  I  may  be  skinned  if  the  same  thing  didn't 
cen  amost  happen  to  me  at  my  examination.  They  axed  me  a  nation 
sight  of  questions,  some  on  'cm  I  could  answer,  and  some  on  'em  no  soul 
could,  right  ofT  the  reel  at  a  word,  without  a  little  cipherin  ;  at  last  they 
axed  me,  how  would  you  calculate  to  put  a  patient  into  a  sweat  when 
common  modes  wouldn't  work  no  how?  Why»  says  I,  I'd  do  as  Dr. 
Comfort  Payne  sarved  father.  And  how  was  thati  said  they.  Why, 
says  I,  he  put  him  into  such  a  sweat  as  I  never  seed  in  him  afore,  in  all 
my  born  days,  since  I  was  raised,  by  sending  him  in  his  bill,  and  if  that 
didn't  sweat  him  it's  a  pity  ;  it  was  an  active  dose  you  may  depend.  I 
guess  that  are  chap  has  cut  his  eye  teeth,  said  the  president,  let  him  pass 
as  approbated. 

They  both  knowed  well  enough,  they  only  made  as  if  they  didn't,  to 
poke  a  little  fun  at  them,  for  the  Slick  family  were  counted  in  a  general 
way  to  be  pretty  considerable  cute. 

They  reckon  themselves  here  a  chalk  above  us  Yankees,  but  I  guesa 
they  have  a  wrinkle  or  two  to  grow  afore  they  progress  ahead  on  us  yet. 
If  they  haven't  got  a  full  cargo  of  conceit  here,  then  I  never  seed  a  load, 
that's  all.  They  have  the  hold  chock  full,  deck  piled  up  to  the  pump 
handles,  and  scuppers  under  water.  They  larnt  that  of  the  British,  who* 
are  actilly  so  full  of  it,  they  remind  m'j  of  Commodore  Trip.  When  he. 
was  about  half  shaved  he  tliought  every  body  drunk  but  himself.  I  never 
liked  the  last  war,  I  thought  it  unnat  sral,  and  that  we  hadn't  ought  to 
have  taken  hold  of  it  at  all,  and  so  most  of  our  New  England  folk* 
thought ;  and  I  wasn't  sorry  to  hoar  Gineral  Dear'oorne  was  beat,  seein 
we  had  no  call  to  go  into  Canada.  But  when  the  Guerriere  was  cap< 
tivated  by  our  old  Ironsides,  the  Constitution,  I  did  feel  lifted  up  amoat  as 
high  as  a  stalk  of  Varginy  corn  among  Connecticut  middlins  ;  I  grew  two 
inches  taller,  I  vow,,  the  night  I  hecrd  that  news.  Brag,  says  I,  is  a  good 
dog,  but  hold  fast  is  better.  The  British  navals  had  been  braggin  and  a 
hectorin  so  long,  that  when  they  landed  in  our  cities,  they  swaggered  b'an 
amost  as  Uncle  Peleg,  (big  Peleg  as  he  was  called,)  and  when  he  walked 
up  the  centre  of  one  of  our  narrow  Boston  streets,  he  used  to  swing  his 
arms  on  each  side  of  him,  so  that  folks  had  to  clear  out  of  both  foot  paths : 
he's  cut,  afore  now,  the  fingers  of  both  hands  agin  the  shop  windows  on 
each  8  de  of  the  street.  Many  a  poor  feller's  crupper  bone  he's  smash- 
ed, with  his  great  th'ck  boots,  a  throwin  out  his  feet  afore  him  e'en  amost 
out  of  sight,  when  he  was  in  full  rig  a  swiggling  away  at  the  top  of  his 
gait.  Well,  they  cut  as  many  shines  as  Uncle  Peleg.  One  frigate,  they 
guessed,  would  captivate,  sink,  or  burn  our  whole  navy.  Says  a  naval, 
one  day,  to  the  skipper  of  a  fishing  Soat  that  he  took,  says  he,  is  it  true, 
Commodore  Decatur's  sword  is  made  of  an  old  iron  hoopl  Well,  says 
the  fikipper,  I'm  not  quite  certified  as  to  that,  seeing  as  I  never  sot  eyes 
on  it ;  but  I  guess  if  he  gets  a  chance  he'll  show  you  the  temper  of  it 
some  of  these  days,  any  how. 

I  mind  once  a  British  man-o'-war  took  one  of  our  Boston  vessels,  and 
ordered  all  hands  on  board,  and  sent  a  party  to  skutllo  her ;  well  they 
skuttled  the  fowls  and  the  old  particular  genuine  rum,  but  they  obliviated 
their  errand  and  left  her.     Well,  next  day  another  frigate  (for  they  wer« 

G2 


78 


THK  CLOCKMAKSit. 


It 


•8  thick  as  toads  arter  a  rain)  comes  near  her  and  fires  a  shot  for  hef  Iff 
bring  to.  No  answer  was  made,  there  bcin  no  livin  soul  on  board,  and 
another  shot  fired,  still  no  answer.  Why,  what  on  airth  is  the  meanin  *f 
this,  said  the  captain,  why  don't  they  haul  down  that  damn  goose  and 
gridiron  1  that's  what  he  called  our  eagle  and  stars  on  the  flag.  Why, 
says  the  first  leftenant,  I  guess  they  are  all  dead  men,  that  tihot  frighten* 
ed  them  to  death.  They  are  afeard  to  show  their  noses,  says  another, 
lest  they  should  be  shaved  off  by  our  shots.  They  are  all  down  below  a 
calcutalin  their  loss,  I  guess,  says  a  third.  I'll  take  my  davy,  says  the 
captain,  it's  some  Yankee  trick,  a  torpedo  in  her  bottom,  or  some  such 
trap  ;  we'll  let  her  be,  and  sure  enough,  next  day,  back  she  came  to  shore 
herself  I'll  give  you  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  says  the  Captain  of  the  Guer- 
riere  to  his  men,  to  take  that  are  Yankee  frigate,  the  Constitution.  I 
guess  he  found  his  mistake  where  he  didn't  expect  it,  without  any  great 
varch  for  it  either.  Yes,  (to  eventuate  my  story,)  it  did  me  good,  I  felt 
dieadful  nice,  1  promise  you.  It  was  as  lovely  as  'oitters  of  a  cold  mornin. 
Ouv  folks  beat  'em  arter  that  so  often,  they  got  a  little  grain  too  much 
concfii  ?»on  They  got  their  heels  too  high  for  their  boots,  and  began 
to  walk  like  Uncle  Peleg  too,  so  that  when  the  Chesapeake  got  whipped 
I  warn't  sorry.  We  could  spare  that  one,  and  it  made  our  navals  look 
round,  like  a  feller  who  gets  a  hoist,  to  see  who's  a  larfin  at  him.  It 
made  'om  brush  the  dust  off,  and  walk  on  rather  sheepish.  It  cut  their 
combs,  that's  a  fact.  The  war  did  us  a  plaguy  sight  of  good  in  more 
ways  than  one,  and  it  did  the  British  some  good,  too.  It  taught  'em  not 
to  carry  their  chins  too  high  for  fear  they  shouldn't  see  the  gutters — a 
mistake  that's  spoiled  many  a  bran  new  coat  and  trousers  afore  now. 

Well,  these  blue-noses  have  caught  this  disease,  as  folks  do  the  Scotch 
fiddle,  by  shakin  hands  along  with  the  British.  Conceit  has  become 
here,  as  Doctor  Rush  says,  (you  have  heerd  tell  of  him,  he's  the  first 
man  of  the  age,  and  it's  generally  allowed  our  doctors  take  the  shine  off 
of  all  the  world)  accUmated,  it  iscitizenized  among 'em,  and  the  only  cure 
is  a  real  good  quiltin.  I  met  a  first  chop  Colchester  Gag  this  summer 
agoin  to  the  races  to  Halifax,  and  he  knowed  as  much  about  racin,  I  do 
suppose,  as  a  Choctaw  Indian  does  of  a  railroad.  Well,  he  was  a  ]  r  lisin 
of  his  horse,  and  runnin  on  like  Statiee.  He  was  begot,  he  said,  by 
Roncesvalles,  which  was  better  than  any  horse  that  ever  was  seen,  be- 
cause he  was  once  in  a  duke's  stable  in  England.  It  was  only  a  man 
that  had  blood  like  a  lord,  said  he,  that  knew  what  blood  in  a  horse  was. 
Captain  Currycomb,  an  officer  at  Halifax,  had  seen  his  horse  and  praised 
him,  and  that  was  enough — that  stamped  him — that  fixed  bis  value.  It 
was  like  the  president's  name  to  a  bank  note,  it  makes  it  pass  current. 
Well,  says  i,  I  haven't  got  a  drop  of  blood  in  me  nothin  stronger  than 
molasses  and  water,  I  vow,  but  I  guess  I  know  a  horse  when  I  see  him 
for  all  that,  and  I  don't  think  any  great  shakes  of  your  beast,  any  how  ; 
what  start  will  you  give  me,  says  I.  and  I  will  run  "Old  Clay"  agin  you,  for 
a  mils  lick  right  an  eend.  Ten  rods,  said  he,  for  twenty  dollars.  Well, 
we  nin^  and  1  made  Old  Clay  Hte  in  his  breath,  and  only  beat  him  by 
half  a  neck.  A  tight  scratch,  says  I,  that,  and  it  would  have  sarved  me 
right  if  I  had  been  beat.  I  had  no  business  to  run  an  old  roadster  so 
everlaslin  fast,  it  aint  fair  on  him,  is  il  1  Says  he,  I  will  double  the  bet 
and  start  even,  and  run  you  agin  if  you  dare.  Well,  says  I,  since  I  won 
the  last  it  wouldn't  be  pretty  not  to  give  you  a  chance  ;  I  do  suppose  I 
oughtn't  to  refuse,  but  I  don't  love  to  abuse  my  beast  by  knockia  him 
about  this  way.  ;    .  ;,  ii    .  ■ 


tRB  ItLOWIN  TISK. 


79 


As  soon  as  the  money  was  staked,  I  said,  hadn't  we  better,  says  I, 
draw  stakes,  that  are  blood  horse  of  yourn  has  such  uncommon  particular 
bottom,  he'll  perhaps  leave  me  clean  out  of  sight.  No  fear  of  that,  said 
he,  lartin,  but  he'll  beat  you  easy,  any  how.  No  fhnchin,  says  he,  I'll 
not  let  you  back  of  the  bargain.  It's  run  or  forfeit.  Well,  says  I,  friend, 
there  is  fear  of  it ;  your  horse  will  leave  me  out  of  sight  to  a  sartainty, 
that's  a  fact,  for  he  carCt  keep  up  to  me  no  time.  I'll  drop  him,  hull  down, 
in  tu  tu's.  If  Old  Clay  didn't  make  a  fool  of  him,  it's  a  pity.  Didn't  he 
gallop  pretty,  that's  all  1  He  walked  away  from  him,  jist  as  the  Chan« 
cellor  Livingston  steamboat  passes  a  sloop  at  anchor  in  the  North  River. 
Says  I,  I  told  you  your  horse  would  beat  me  clean  out  of  sight,  but  you 
wouldn't  believe  me  ;  now,  says  I,  I  will  tell  you  something  else.  That 
are  horse  will  help  you  to  loose  more  money  to  Halifax  than  you  are  a 
tiiiiikin  on  ;  for  there  aint  a  beast  gone  down  there  that  won't  beat  him. 
He  can't  run  a  bit,  Hnd  you  may  tell  the  British  captain  I  say  so.  Take 
him  home  and  sell  him,  buy  a  good  yoke  of  oxen ;  they  are  fast  enough 
for  a  farmer,  and  give  up  blood  horses  to  them  that  can  afford  to  keep 
stable-helps  to  tend  'em,  and  leave  bettin  alone  to  them  as  has  more 
money  nor  wit,  and  can  adord  to  lose  their  cash,  without  thinkin  agin  of 
their  loss.  When  I  want  your  advice,  said  he,  I  will  ask  it,  most  peskily 
sulky.  You  might  have  got  it  before  you  axed  for  it,  said  I,  but  not  afore 
you  wanted  it,  you  may  depend  on  it.  But  stop,  said  I,  let's  see  that 
all's  right  afore  we  part;  so  I  counts  over  the  fifteen  pounds  I  won  of 
him,  note  by  note,  as  slow  as  anything,  on  purpose  to  ryle  him,  then  T 
mounts  Old  Clay  agin,  and  says  I,  friend,  you  have  considerably  the  ad- 
vantage of  me  this  hitch,  any  how.  Possible!  says  he,  how's  that? 
Why,  says  I,  I  guess  you'll  return  rather  lighter  than  you  came,  and 
that's  more  nor  I  can  say,  any  how,  and  then  I  gave  him  a  wink  and  a 
jupe  of  the  head,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  do  you  take?"  and  rode  on  and 
left  him  starin  and  scratchin  his  head  like  a  felle-  who's  lost  his  road.  If 
that  citizen  aint  a  born  fool,  or  too  far  gone  in  the  disease,  depend  on't 
he  found  "  a  cure  (>/■  concet/."  -.  ;      .     , 


CHAPTER  XXII. 
THE  BLOWIN  TIME. 

The  long  rambling  dissertation  on  conceit  to  which  I  had  just  listened', 
from  the  Clockmaker,  forcibly  reminded  me  of  the  celebrated  aphorism 
'^  ffttothinscauton,"  know  thyself,  which,  both  from  its  great  antiquity  and 
wisdom,  has  been  by  maijv  attributed  to  an  oracle. 

With  all  his  shrewdness  to  discover,  and  his  humour  to  ridicule  the 
foibles  of  others,  Mr.  Slick  was  blind  to  the  many  defects  of  his  own 
character  ;  and  while  prescribing  a  "cure  for  conceit,"  exhibited  in  all  ho 
said,  and  all  he  did,  the  most  overweening  conceit  himself.  He  never 
spoke  of  his  own  countrymen,  without  calling  them  the  "  most  free  and 
enlightened  citizens  on  the  face  of  the  airth,"  or  as  "  takin  the  shine  off 
of  a!!  creation."  His  country  he  hoasted  to  be  the  "  best  atween  the  two 
poles,"  "  the  greatest  glory  under  heaven."  The  Yankees  he  consider- 
ed (to  nse  his  expression)  as  ♦'  actilly  the  class-leaders  in  knowledge 
among  all  the  Americans,"  and  boasted  that  they  have  not  only  "  gone 
ahead  of  all  others,"  but  had  lately  arrived  at  that  most  enviable  ne  plus 
ultra  point  "goin  ahead  of  themselves"  In  short,  he  entertained  no  doubt 
that  Slickville  was  the  finest  place  in  the  greatest  nation  in  tho  world^ 
and  tho  Slick  family  the  wisest  family  in  it^ 


80 


TBI   OLOCKMIKIK. 


!^ 


I  was  about  calling  his  attention  to  this  national  trait,  when  I  saw  him 
draw  his  reins  under  his  foot  (a  mode  of  driving  peculiar  to  himself,  when 
be  wished  to  economize  the  time  that  would  otherwise  be  lost  by  an  un« 
necessary  delay),  and  taking  off  his  hat,  (which,  like  -x  pedler's  pack,  con- 
tained a  general  assortment,)  select  from  a  number  of  loose  cigars  one 
that  appeared  likely  "  to  go,"  as  he  called  it.  Having  lighted  it  by  a 
lucifer,  and  ascertained  that  it  was  "  true  in  draft,"  he  resumed  his  reins, 
and  remarked  "  This  must  be  an  everlastin  fine  country  beyond  all  doubt, 
for  the  folks  have  nothin  to  do  but  to  ride  about  and  talk  (politics.  In 
winter,  when  the  ground  is  covered  with  snow,  what  grand  times  they 
have  a  sleighin  over  these  here  marshes  with  the  gals,  or  playin  ball  on  the 
ice,  or  goin  to  quiltin  frolics  of  nice  long  winter  evenings,  and  then  a 
drivin  home  like  n*.ad  by  moonlight.  Natur  meant  that  season  on  pur- 
pose for  courtin.  A  little  tidy  scrumptious  looking  sleigh,  a  real  clipper  of 
n  horse,  a  string  of  bells  as  long  as  a  string  of  inions  round  his  neck,  and 
a  sprig  on  his  back,  !'>okin  for  all  the  world  like  a  bunch  of  apples  broke 
off  at  gatherin  time,  and  a  sweetheart  alongside,  all  mufRed  up  but  her 
eyes  and  lips — the  one  lookin  right  into  you,  and  the  other  talkin  right 
at  you — is  e'en  atnost  enough  to  drive  one  ravin,  tarin,  distracted  mad 
with  pleasure,  aint  it  1  And  then  the  dear  critters  say  the  bells  make 
such  a  din,  there's  no  hearin  one's  self  speak  ;  so  they  put  their  pretty 
little  mugs  close  up  to  your  face,  and  talk,  talk,  talk,  till  one  can't  help 
looking  right  at  them  instead  of  the  horse,  and  then  wrap  you  both  go 
capsized  mto  a  snow  drift  together,  skins,  cushions,  and  all.  And  then 
to  see  the  little  critter  shake  herself  when  she  gets  up,  like  a  duck  landin 
from  a  pond,  a  chatterin  away  all  the  time  like  a  Canary  bird,  and  you  a 
haw-hawin  with  pleasure,  is  fun  alive,  you  may  depend.  In  this  way 
blue-nose  gets  led  on  to  offer  himself  as  a  lovier,  afore  he  knows  where 
he  bees. 

But  when  he  gets  married,  he  recovers  his  eyesight  in  little  less  than 
half  no  time.  He  soon  finds  he's  treed  ;  his  flint  is  fixed  then,  you  may 
depend.  She  larns  him  how  vinegar  is  made  :  put  plenty  of  sugar  in  the 
water  aforehand,  my  dear,  says  she,  if  you  want  to  make  it  real  sharp.  The 
larf  is  on  the  other  side  of  his  mouth  then.  If  his  sleigh  gets  upsot,  it's 
no  longer  a  funny  matter,  I  tell  you  ;  he  catches  it  right  and  left.  Her 
eyes  don't  look  up  to  his'n  any  more,  nor  her  little  tongue  ring,  ring,  ring, 
like  a  bell  any  longer,  but  a  great  big  hood  covers  her  head,  and  a  whappin 
great  muff  covers  her  face,  and  she  looks  like  a  bag  of  soiled  clothes 
agoin  to  the  brook  to  be  washed.  When  they  get  out,  she  don't  wait  any 
more  for  him  to  walk  lock  and  lock  with  her,  but  they  merch  like  a  horse 
and  a  cow  to  water,  one  in  each  gutter.  If  there  aint  a  trn'Tsmogrifica- 
tion  it's  a  pity.  The  difference  atween  a  wife  and  a  sweethe<:rt  is  near 
about  as  great  as  there  is  between  new  and  hard  cider  ;  a  man  never  tires 
of  puttin  one  to  his  lip,  but  makes  plaguy  wry  faces  at  t'other.  It  makes 
me  so  kinder  wamblecropt  when  I  think  on  it,  that  I'm  afeard  to  venture 
on  matrimony  at  all.  I  have  seen  some  blue-noses  most  properly  bit, 
you  may  depend.  You've  seen  a  boy  a  slidin  on  a  most  beautiful  smooth 
bit  of  ice,  haven't  you,  larfin,  and  hoopin,  and  haliowin  like  one  possessed, 
when  presently  sowse  he  goes  in  over  head  and  ears  1  How  he  uuts  fins, 
and  flops  about,  and  blows  like  a  porpoise  properly  frightened,  don't  he  1 
and  when  he  gets  out  there  he  stands,  all  shiverin  and  shakin,  and  the 
water  a  squishsquashing  in  hia  shoes,  and  his  trousers  all  stickin  slimsey 
like  to  his  legs.  Well,  he  sneaks  off  home,  lookin  like  a  fool,  and  thinkin 
everybody  he  meets  is  a  latAn  at  him  ;  many  folks  here  are  like  that  are 


I 


THI  BLOWIN  TIMB. 


81 


boy,  afore  they  have  been  six  months  married.  They'd  be  proper  glad 
to  get  out  of  the  scrape  loo,  and  sneak  off  if  they  could,  that'u  a  fact.  The 
marriage  yoiie  is  plaguy  apt  to  gall  the  neck,  as  the  ish  bow  does  the  ox 
in  rainy  weather,  unless  it  be  most  particularly  well  fitted.  You'veseeii 
a  yoke  of  cattle  that  warn't  properly  mated,  they  spend  more  strength  in 
pullin  agin  each  other,  than  in  pullin  the  load.  Well,  that's  apt  to  b« 
the  case  with  them  as  choose  their  wives  in  sleighin  parties,  quiltin  frolics, 
and  so  on  ;  instead  of  the  dairies,  looms,  and  cheese-house. 

Now  the  blue-noses  are  al'  a  stirrin  in  winter.  The  young  folks  drive 
out  the  gals,  and  talk  love  and  all  sorts  of  things  as  swoet  as  dough-nuts. 
The  old  folks  tind  it  near  about  as  well  to  leave  the  old  women  to  home, 
for  fear  they  shouldn't  keep  tune  together ;  so  they  drive  out  alone  to  chat 
about  house  of  assembly  with  their  neighbours,  while  the  boys  and  hired 
helps  do  the  chores.  When  the  spring  comes,  and  the  fields  are  dry 
enough  to  be  sowed,  they  all  have  to  be  ploughed,  cause  fall  rains  wasb, 
the  lands  too  much  for  fall  ploughin.  Well,  the  ploughs  have  to  b6 
mended  and  sharpened,  cause  what's  the  use  of  doin  that  afore  it's  wanted. 
Well,  the  wheat  gets  in  too  late,  and  then  comes  rust,  but  whose  fault  is 
that  1  Why,  the  climate's,  to  be  sure,  for  Nova  Scotia  aint  a  bread  coun- 
try. 

When  a  man  has  to  run  ever  so  far  as  fast  as  he  can  clip,  he  has  to  stop 
and  take  breath ;  jou  must  do  that  or  choke.  So  it  is  with  a  horse  ;  run 
him  a  mile,  and  his  flanks  will  heave  like  a  blacksmith's  bellows ;  you 
must  slack  up  the  rein  and  give  him  a  little  wind,  or  he'll  fall  right  down 
with  you.  It  stands  to  reason,  don't  it  1  Atwixt  spring  and  fall,  work  is 
"  Blowin  time."  Then  courts  come  on,  and  grand  jury  business,  and 
militia  trainin,  and  race  trainin,  and  what  not ;  and  a  fine  spell  of  ridin 
about  and  doin  nothin,  a  real  "  Blowin  time."  Then  comes  harvest,  and 
that  is  proper  hard  work,  mowin  and  pitchin  hay,  and  reapin  and  bindin 
grain,  and  potato  diggin.  Thai's  as  hard  as  sole  leather  afore  it's  ham- 
mered on  the  lap  stoue  ;  it's  a  most  next  to  anything.  It  takes  a  feller 
as  tough  as  Old  Hickory  (General  Jackson)  to  stand  that. 

Ohio  is  amost  the  only  country  I  know  of  where  folks  are  saved  that 
trouble  ;  and  there  the  freshets  come  jist  in  the  nick  of  time  for  'em,  and 
sweep  all  the  crops  right  up  in  a  heap  for  'em,  and  they  have  nothin  to 
do  but  take  it  home  and  house  it,  and  sometimes  a  man  gets  more  than 
his  own  crop,  and  finds  a  proper  swad  of  it  already  piled  up,  only  a  little 
wet  or  so  ;  but  all  countries  aint  like  Ohio.  Well,  arter  harvest  comes 
fall,  and  then  there's  a  grand  "  blowin  time"  till  spring.  Now,  how  the 
Lord  the  blue-noses  can  complain  of  their  country,  when  it's  only  One-third 
work  and  two  thirds  "  blowin  time,"  no  soul  can  tell. 

Father  used  to  say,  when  I  lived  on  the  farm  along  with  him,  Sam,  says 
he,  I  vow  I  wish  there  was  jist  four  hundred  days  in  the  year,  for  it's  a  plaguy 
sight  too  short  for  me.  I  can  find  'as  much  work  as  all  hands  on  us  can  do  for 
365  days,  and  jist  35  days  more,  if  we  had  'em.  We  haven't  got  a  minuto 
to  spare ;  you  must  shell  the  corn  and  winner  the  grain  at  night,  clean  all  up 
slick,  or  I  guess  we'll  fall  bstarn,  as  sure  as  the  Lord  made  Moses.  If  he 
didn't  keep  us  all  at  it,  a  drivir.<>  way  full  chisel,  the  whole  blessed  time  it's  a 
pity.  There  was  no  "blowin  time"  there  you  may  depend.  We  ploughed  all 
the  fall  for  dear  life  ;  in  winter  we  threshed,  made  and  ntended  tools,  went 
to  market  and  mill,  and  got  out  our  firewood  and  rails.  As  soon  as  frost  was 
gone,  came  sowin  and  plantin,  weedin  and  hoein;  then  harvest  and 
spreadin  compost  ;  then  gatherin  manure,  fencin  and  ditchin  ;  and  turn  to 
and  fall  plowin  agin.     It  all  went  round  like  a  wheel  without  stoppin,  «od 


r  I 


(M 


THB   CLOCKHAKO. 


i 


m 


•o  fast,  I  guesB  you  couldn't  see  the  spokes,  just  one  long  ererlastiil 
stroke  from  July  to  etarnily,  without  time  to  look  back  on  the  tracks. 
Instead  of  racin  over  the  country  like  a  young  doctor,  to  show  how  busy 
a  man  is  that  has  nothin  to  do,  as  blue-nose  does,  and  then  take  a  "  blowin 
time,*'  we  kept  a  rale  travellin  gate,  an  eight-mile-an-hour  pace,  the  whole 
year  round.  They  buy  more  nor  they  sell,  and  eat  more  than  they  raise, 
m  this  country.  What  a  pretty  way  that  is,  isn't  it  1  If  the  critters 
kii  w  how  to  cipher,  they  would  soon  find  out  that  a  sum  slated  that  way 
always  eends  in  a  naught.  I  never  knew  it  to  fail,  and  I  defy  any  soul 
to  cipher  it  so  as  to  make  it  come  out  any  other  way,  either  by  School- 
master's Assistant  or  algebra.  When  I  was  a  boy,  the  Slickvills  bank 
broke,  and  an  awful  disorderment  it  made,  that's  a  fact ;  nolhin  else  was 
talked  of.  Well,  I  studied  it  over  a  long  time,  but  I  couldn't  make  it 
out :  so  says  I,  father,  how  came  that  are  bank  to  break  !•  Warn't  it 
well  built  1  I  thought  that  are  Quincy  granite  was  so  amazin  strotig  all 
natur  wouldn't  break  it.  Why,  you  foolish  critter,  says  he,  it  aint  the 
buildin  that's  broke,  it's  the  consarn  that's  smashed.  Well,  says  I,  I 
know  folks  are  plaguyly  consarned  about  it,  but  what  do  you  call  "  folks 
smashin  their  consarns  1"  Father,  he  larfed  out  like  anything  ;  I  thought 
he  never  would  stop ;  and  sister  Sal  got  right  up  and  walked  out  of  the 
room,  as  mad  as  a  natter.  Says  she,  Sam,  I  do  believe  you  are  a  born 
fool,  I  vow.  When  father  had  done  lartin,  says  he,  I'll  tell  you,  Sam, 
how  it  was.  They  ciphered  it  so,  that  they  brought  out  nothin  for  a  re- 
mainder. Possible  !  says  I ;  I  thought  there  was  no  eend  to  their  puss. 
I  thought  it  was  like  uncle  Peleg's  musquash  hole,  and  that  no  soul  could 
ever  find  the  bottom  of.  My  !  says  I.  Yes,  says  he,  that  are  bank  spent 
and  lost  more  money  than  it  made,  and  when  folks  do  that,  they  must 
smash  at  last,  if  their  puss  be  as  long  as  the  national  one  of  uncle  Sam. 
This  province  is  like  that  are  bank  of  ourn,  it's  goin  the  same  road,  and 
they'll  find  the  little  eend  of  the  horn  afore  they  think  they  are  half  way 
down  to  it. 

If  folks  would  only  give  over  talking  about  that  everlastin  house  of  as- 
sembly and  council,  and  see  to  their  forms,  it  would  be  better  for  'em,  I 
guess  ;  for  arter  all,  what  is  it  1  Why  it's  only  a  sort  of  first  chop  grand 
jury,  and  nothin  else.  It's  no  more  like  congress  or  parliament  than 
Marm  Pugwash's  keepin  room  is  like  our  state  hall.  It's  jist  nothin ; 
congress  makes  war  and  peace,  has  a  say  in  all  treaties,  confarms  all  great 
nominations  of  the  president,  regilates  the  army  and  navy,  governs  twenty- 
four  independent  states,  and  snaps  its  fingers  in  the  face  of  all  the  nations 
of  Europe,  as  much  as  to  say,  who  be  you  1  I  allot  I  am  as  big  as  you 
be.  If  you  are  six  foot  high,  I  am  six  foot  six  in  my  stockin  feet,  by  gum, 
and  can  lambaste  any  two  on  you  in  no  time.  The  British  can  whip  all 
the  world,  and  we  can  whip  the  British.  But  this  little  house  of  assem- 
bly that  folks  make  such  a  fuss  about,  what  is  it  1  Why,  jist  a  decent 
grand  jury.  They  make  their  presentments  of  little  money  votes,  to 
mend  these  everlastin  rottin  little  wooden  bridges,  to  throw  a  poultice  of 
mud  once  a  year  on  the  roads,  and  then  take  a  "  blowin  time"  of  three 
months  and  go  home.  The  littler  folks  be,  the  bigger  they  talk.  You 
never  seed  a  small  man  that  didn't  wear  high  heel  boots,  and  a  high 
crowned  hat,  and  that  warn't  ready  to  fight  most  any  one,  to  show  that 
he  was  a  man  every  inch  of  him. 

I  met  a  member  the  other  day,  who  swaggered  near  about  as  large  as 
Uncle  Peleg.  He  looked  as  if  iie  thought  you  couldn't  find  his  "  ditto" 
anywhere.     He  used  some  most  panic  aUr,  educational  words,  genuine 


f  ATHER  JOHN  O'SHIUOHNKSSY. 


8d 


jaw-breakers.  He  put  me  in  mind  of  a  squirrel  I  once  shot  in  our  wood 
location.  The  little  critter  got  a  hickory  nut  in  his  mouth  ;  well,  he  found 
it  too  hard  to  break,  and  too  big  to  swaller,  and  for  the  life  and  soul  of 
him  he  couldn't  spit  it  out  agin.  If  he  didn't  look  like  a  proper  fool,  you 
may  depend.  We  had  a  pond  back  of  our  barn,  about  the  bigness  of  a 
good  sizeable  wash-tub,  and  was  chock  full  of  frogs.  Well,  one  of  these 
Utile  critters  fancied  himself  n  bull-frog,  and  he  puned  out  his  cheeks,  and 
took  a  raci  "blowin  time"  of  it ;  he  roared  away  like  thunder;  at  least 
he  puffed  and  puffed  out  till  he  bust  like  a  byler.  If  I  see  the  speaker 
this  winter — and  I  shall  see  him  to  a  sarlainty  if  they  don't  send  him  to 
London  to  teach  their  new  speaker — and  he's  up  to  snuff,  that  are  man  ; 
he  knows  how  to  cipher.  I'll  jist  say  to  him.  Speaker,  says  I,  if  any  of 
your  folks  in  the  house  go  to  swell  out  like  dropsy,  give  'em  a  hint  in 
time.  Says  you,  if  you  have  e'er  a  little  safety  valve  about  you,  let  off  a 
little  steam  now  and  then,  or  you'll  go  for  it ;  recollect  the  Clockmaker's 
story  of  the  "  blowin  time." 


sm; 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 


'em,  I 


:enume 


FATHER  JOHN  O'SHAUGHNESSY. 

To-MonRow  will  be  sabbath-day,  said  the  Clockmaker  ;  I  guess  we'll 
bide  where  we  be  till  Monday.  I  like  a  sabbath  in  the  country,  all  natur 
seems  at  rest.  There's  a  cheerfulness  in  the  day  here  you  don't  find  in 
towns.  You  have  natur  before  you  here,  and  nothin  but  art  there.  The 
deathy  stillness  of  a  town,  and  the  barred  windows,  and  shut  shops,  and 
empty  streets,  and  great  long  lines  of  big  brick  bnildins,  look  melancholy. 
It  seems  as  if  life  had  ceased  tickin,  but  there  hadn't  been  time  for  decay 
to  take  hold  on  there ;  as  if  day  had  broke,  but  man  slept.  I  can't  de- 
scribe exactly  what  I  mean,  but  I  always  feel  kinder  gloomy  and  wham- 
blecropt  there. 

Now  in  the  country  it's  jist  what  it  ought  to  be— a  day  of  rest  for  man 
and  beast  from  labour.  WKen  a  man  rises  on  the  sabbath,  and  looks  out 
on  the  sunny  fields  and  wavin  crops,  his  heart  feels  proper  grateful,  and 
he  says,  come,  this  is  a  splendid  day,  aint  it?  let's  get  ready  and  put  on 
our  bettermost  close,  and  go  to  meetin.  His  first  thought  is  prayerfully 
to  render  thanks ;  and  then,  when  he  goes  to  worship  he  meets  all  his 
neighbours,  and  he  knows  them  all,  and  they  are  glad  to  see  each  other, 
and  if  any  two  on  'em  han't  'greed  together  durin  the  week,  why  they 
meet  on  kind  of  neutral  ground,  and  the  minister  or  neighbours  make 
peace  atween  them.  But  it  aint  so  in  towns.  You  don't  know  no  one 
you  meet  there.  It's  the  worship  of  neighbours,  but  it's  the  worship  of 
strangers  too,  for  neighbours  don't  know  nor  care  about  each  other.  Yes, 
I  love  a  sabbath  in  the  countiy. 

While  uttering  this  soliloquy,  he  took  up  a  pamphlet  from  the  table, 
and  turning  to  the  title-page,  said,  have  you  ever  seen  this  here  book  on 
the  "  Elder  Controversy,"  (a  controversy  on  the  subject  of  Infant  Bap- 
tism.) This  author's  friends  say  it's  a  clincher;  they  say  he  has  sealed 
up  Elder's  mouth  as  tight  as  a  bottle.  No,  said  I,  I  have  not ;  I  have 
heard  of  it,  but  never  read  it.  In  my  opinion  the  subject  has  been  ex- 
hausted already,  and  admits  of  nothing  new  being  said  upon  it.  These 
religious  controversies  are  a  serious  injury  to  the  cauce  of  true  religion  ; 
they  are  deeply  deplored  by  the  good  and  moderate  men  of  all  parties. 


^1^ 


tUB  CLOCKMAKKA. 


hi 


It  has  already  embraced  several  denominations  in  the  disputt;  in  this  pro* 
Tince,  and  I  hear  the  agitation  has  extended  to  Now  Brunswick,  where 
it  will  doubtless  be  renewed  with  equal  zeal.  I  am  told  all  the  pamphlets 
are  exceptionable  in  point  of  temper,  and  this  one  in  particular,  which 
hot  only  ascribes  the  most  unworthy  motives  to  its  antagonist,  but  con* 
t^ins  soiTie  very  unjustifiable  and  gratuitous  attacks  upon  other  sects  un- 
connected with  the  dispute.  The  author  has  injured  his  own  cause,  for 
an  intemperate  advocate  is  mure  dangerous  than  an  open  foe.  There  is 
no  doubt  on  it,  said  the  Clockmaker,  it  is  as  clear  as  mud,  and  you  are 
not  the  only  one  that  thinks  so,  I  tell  you. 

About  the  hottest  time  of  ihc  dispute  I  was  tn  Halifax,  and  who  should 
I  meet  but  Father  John  O'Shaughnessy,  a  catholic  priest.  I  had  met 
him  afore  in  Cape  Breton,  and  had  sold  him  a  clock.  Well,  he  was  a 
leggin  it  off  hot  foot.  Possible,  says  I,  Father  John,  is  that  you  ]  Why, 
what  on  airth  is  the  matter  with  yuu  ?  What  makes  you  in  such  an  ever' 
lastin  hurry,  drivin  away  like  one  ravin,  distracted  mad  ?  A  sick  visit, 
says  he ;  poor  Pat  lianigan,  him  that  you  mind  to  Bradore  J^ake,  well, 
he's  near  about  at  the  pint  of  death.  I  guess  not,  said  I,  for  I  jist  hear 
tell  he  was  dead.  Well,  that  brought  him  up  all  standin,  and  he  bouta 
ship  in  a  jiffy,  and  walks  a  little  way  with  me,  and  we  got  a  talkin  about 
this  very  subject.  Says  he.  What  are  you,  Mr.  Slick  ^  Well,  I  looks 
up  to  him,  and  winks,  a  Clockmaker,  says  I  ;  well,  he  smiled,  and  says 
he,  I  see ;  as  much  as  to  say,  I  hadn't  o\ight  to  have  axed  that  are  ques- 
tion  at  all,  I  guess,  for  every  man's  religion  is  his  own,  and  nobody  else's 
business.  Then,  says  he,  you  know  all  about  this  country,  who  does 
folks  say  has  the  best  uf  the  dispute  1  Says  I,  Father  John,  it's  like  the 
battles  up  to  Canada  lines  last  war,  each  side  claims  victory ;  I  guess 
there  aint  much  to  brag  on  nary  side,  damage  done  on  both  sides,  and  no- 
thin  gained,  as  far  as  I  can  learn.  He  stopped  short,  and  looked  me  in 
the  face,  and  says  he,  Mr.  Slick,  you  are  a  man  that  has  seed  a  good  deal 
of  the  world,  and  a  considerable  of  an  understandin  man,  and  I  guess  I 
oan  talk  to  you.  Now,  says  he,  for  gracious  sake  do  jist  look  here,  and 
see  how  the  heretics  (protestants  I  mean,  says  he — for  I  guess  that  are 
word  slipped  out  without  leave,)  are  by  the  ears,  a  drivin  away  at  each 
.  other,  the  whole  blessed  time,  tooth  and  nail,  hip  and  thigh,  hammer  and 
tongs,  disputin,  revcllin,  wranglin,  and  beloutin  each  other,  with  all 
sorts  of  ugly  names  that  they  can  lay  their  tongues  to.  Is  that  the  way 
you  love  your  neighbour  as  youfselfl  We  say,  this  is  a  practical 
comment  on  schism,  and,  by  the  powers  of  Moll  Kelly,  said  he,  but 
they  all  ought  to  be  lambasted  together,  the  whole  batch  on  'em  entirely. 
Says  I,  Father  John,  give  me  your  hand  ;  there  are  some  things  I  guess 
you  and  I  don't  agree  on.  and  most  likely  never  will,  seein  that  you 
^are  a  Popish  priest ;  but  in  vhat  idee  I  do  opinionate  with  you,  and  I  wish, 
with  .ill  my  heart,  all  the  world  thought  with  us. 

I  guess  he  didn't  half  like  that  are  word  Popish  priest,  it  seemed  to  grig 
him  like  ;  his  face  looked  kinder  ryled,  like  well-water  arter  a  heavy 
rain ;  and,  said  he,  Mr.  Slick,  says  he,  your  country  is  a  free  country, 
aint  if?  The  freest,  says  I,  on  the  face  of  the  airth;  you  can't  ditto  it 
nowhere.  We  are  as  free  as  the  air,  and  when  our  dander's  up,  stronger 
than  any  hurricane  you  ever  seed — tear  up  all  creation  amost :  there  aint 
the  beat  of  it  to  be  found  anywhere.  Do  you  call  this  a  free  country '! 
said  he.  Pretty  considerable  middlin,  says  I,  seein  that  they  arc  under 
a  king.  Well,  says  he,  if  you  were  seen  in  Connecticut  a  shakin  hands 
«long  with  a  Popish  priest,  as  you  are  pleased  to  call  me,  (and  he  made 


FATIIEK  JOHN  0*8HAUOHNE8S¥. 


Rie  a  bow,  as  much  as  to  say,  mind  your  trumps  ».be  next  deal,)  as  you 
are  now  in  the  streets  of  Halifax  along  with  me,  with  all  your  tsrackin  and 
boastin  of  your  freedom,  I  guess  you  wouMn't  seil  a  clock  agin  in  that 
State  for  one  while,  I  tell  you,  and  he  bid  me  good  n  unin  and  turned 
away.  Father  John,  says  I.  I  can't  st<  >.  says  he  ^  I  must  see  that 
poor  critter's  family ;  they  must  be  in  great  ti  juble,  and  a  sick  visit  is  aforo 
conlrovarsy  in  my  creed.  Well,  says  I,  one  word  with  you  afore  you  go ; 
if  that  are  name — Popish  priest — was  an  ongenteel  one,  I  ax  your  par- 
don ;  I  didn't  mean  no  offence,  I  do  assure  you,  and  I'll  say  this  for  your 
satisfaction,  tu,  you're  the  first  man  in  this  province  that  ever  garve  me  a 
real  right  down  complete  checkmate  since  I  first  sot  foot  in  it,  I'll  be 
skinned  if  you  aint. 

Yes,  said  Mr.  Slick,  Father  John  was  right  -,  these  antagonizing  chaps 
ought  to  be  well  quilted,  the  whole  raft  of  'em.  It  fairly  makes  me  sick 
to  see  the  folks, -each  on  'ema  backin  upof  their  own  man.  At  it  agin, 
•says  one  ;  fair  play,  says  another ;  stick  it  into  him,  says  a  third ;  and 
that's  your  sort,  says  a  fourth.  Them  are  the  folks  who  do  mischief. 
They  show  such  clear  grit  it  fairly  frightens  me.  it  makes  my  hair 
'Stand  right  up  an  eend  to  see  ministers  do  that  are.  It  appears  to  mo 
that  I  could  write  a  book  in  favour  of  myself  and  my  notions,  without 
writin  agin  any  one ;  and  if  I  couldn't  I  wouldn't  write  at  all,  I  snore. 
Our  old  mmistcr,  Mr.  Hopewell,  (a  real  good  man,  and  a  lamed  man 
too  that,)  they  sent  to  him  once  to  write  agm  the  Unitarians,  for  they  are 
agoiii  ahead  like  statiee  in  New  England,  but  he  refused.  Said  hn, 
Sam,  says  he,  when  I  first  went  to  Cambridge,  there  was  a  boxer  and 
wrastler  came  there,  and  he  beat  every  one  wherever  he  went.  We'l, 
old  Mr.  Pessit  was  the  Church  of  England  parson  at  Charlestown  at  the 
time,  and  a  terrible  powerful  man  he  was  ;  a  rael  sneezer,  and  as  Activi 
-as  a  weasel.  Well,  the  boxer  met  him  one  day,  a  little  way  out  of  town, 
a  tdkin  of  his  evenin  walk,  and  said  he,  parson,  says  he,  they  say  you  are 
a  most  plaguy  strong  man,  and  uncommon  stiff  too.  Now,  says  he,  I 
never  seed  a  man  yet  that  was  a  match  for  me ;  would  you  have  any 
-objection  jist  to  let  me  be  availed  of  your  strength  here  in  a  friendly 
way,  by  ourselves,  where  no  soul  would  be  the  wiser  1  if  you  will,  I'll 
keep  dark  about  it,  I  -avian.  Go  your  way,  said  the  parson,  and  tempt 
me  net ;  you  are  a  carnal-minded,  wicked  man,  and  I  take  no  pleasure 
in  such  vain,  idle  sports.  Very  well,  said  the  boxer  ;  now  here  I  -stand, 
says  he,  in  the  path,  right  slap  afore  you  ;  if  you  pass  round  me,  then  I 
take  it  as  a  sign  that  you  are  afeard  on  me,  and  if  you  keep  the  path, 
why  then  you  must  first  put  me  out,  that's  a  fact.  The  parson  jtst  made 
a  spring  forrard  and  kit«hed  him  up  as  quick  as  wink,  and  throwed  him 
right  over  the  fence  whap  on  the  broad  of  his  back,  and  then  walked  on 
«s  if  nothin  had  happened,  as  demure  as  you  please,  and  lookin  as  meek 
as  if  butter  wouldn't  melt  in  bis  mouth.  Stop,  said  the  boxer,  as  soon  as 
he  picked  himself  up,  stop,  parson,  said  he,  that's  a  good  man,  and  jist 
chuck  over  my  horse  too,  will  you  1  for  I  swan  I  believe  you  could  do  one 
near  about  as  easy  as  t'other.  My  !  said  he,  if  that  don't  bang  the  bush ; 
you  are  another  guess  chap  fiom  what  I  took  you  to  be,  any  how. 

Now,  said  Mr.  Hopewell,  says  he,  I  won't  write,  but  if  e'er  a  Unitarian 
-crosses  my  path,  I'll  jist  over  the  fence  with  him  in  no  time,  as  the  par- 
don did  the  boxer ;  for  writin  only  aggravates  your  opponents,  and  nevet 
convinces  them.  I  never  seed  a  convart  made  by  that  way  yet ;  but  I'll 
tell  you  what  I  have  seed,  a  man  set  his  own  flock  a  doubtin  by  his  owh 
•writin.     You  may  happiTy  your  enemies,  canta;nkerate  your  opponents, 

H 


^« 


TMK  CLOCKMAKER, 


i    # 


and  injure  your  own  ouse  by  it,  but  I  defy  you  to  isrve  it.  These 
writers,  said  he,  put  me  in  mind  of  that  are  boxer's  pupili.  He  would 
■omctimea  set  two  on  'em  to  spar  ;  well,  they'd  put  on  their  gloven,  and 
begin,  larfin  and  joitin,  all  in  good  humour.  Presently  one  on  'em  would 
put  in  a  pretty  hard  blow  ;  well,  t'other  would  return  it  in  airnest.  Oh, 
■ays  the  other,  if  that's  your  play,  otf  gloves  and  at  it ;  and  sure  enough, 
away  would  fly  their  gloves,  and  at  it  they'd  go  tooth  and  nail. 

No,  Sam,  the  misfortin  is,  we  are  all  apt  to  think  scriptur  intended  for 
our  neighbours,  and  not  for  ourselves.  The  poor  all  think  it  made  for 
the  rich.  Look  at  that  are  Dives,  they  say,  what  an  all-fired  scrape  he 
got  into,  by  his  avarice,  with  Lazarus  ;  and  aint  it  writ  as  plain  as  any- 
thing, that  them  folks  will  find  it  as  easy  to  go  to  heaven,  as  for  a  camel 
to  go  through  the  eye  of  a  needle  ]  "Well,  then,  the  rich  think  it  all  made 
for  the  poor,  that  they  shan't  steal  nor  bear  false  witness,  but  shall  be 
obedient  to  them  that's  in  authority.  And  as  for  them  are  Unitarians, 
and  he  always  got  his  dander  up  when  he  spoke  of  them,  why  there's  no 
doin  nothin  with  them,  says  he.  When  *hey  get  fairly  stumped,  and  you 
produce  a  text  that  they  can't  get  over,  nor  get  round,  why,  they  say  it 
aint  in  our  version  at  all — that's  an  interpolation — it's  an  invention  of 
;hem  are  everlastin  monks  ;  there's  nothin  left  for  you  to  do  with  them, 
but  to  sarve  them  as  Parson  Poesit  detailed  the  boxer,  lay  right  hold  of 
'em  and  chuck  'em  over  the  fence,  even  if  they  were  as  big  as  all  out 
doors.  That's  what  our  folks  ought  to  have  done  with  'em  at  first, 
pitched  *em  clean  out  of  the  slate,  and  let  '>)m  go  down  to  Nova  Scotia, 
or  some  such  outlandish  place,  for  they  aint  fit  to  live  in  no  Christian 
country  at  all. 

Fightin  is  no  way  to  make  convarts  ;  the  true  way  ia  to  win  Um,  You 
may  stop  a  man's  mouth,  Sam,  says  he,  by  craininin  a  book  down  his 
throat,  but  you  won't  convince  him.  It's  a  fine  thing  to  write  a  book 
all  covered  over  with  Latin,  and  Greek,  and  Hebrew,  like  a  bridle  that's 
real  jam,  all  spangled  with  brass  nails,  but  who  knows  whether  it's  right 
or  wrong  1  Why,  not  one  in  ten  thousand.  If  I  had  my  religion  to 
choose,  and  wam't  able  to  judge  for  myself,  TU  tell  you  what  I'd  do : 
I'd  jist  ask  myself  who  leads  the  best  lives'?  Now,  says  he,  Sam,  I 
won't  say  who  do,  because  it  would  look  like  vanity  to  say  it  was  the 
folks  who  hold  to  our  platform,  but  I'll  tell  you  who  don't.  It  aint  them 
that  makes  the  greatest  professions  always ;  and  mind  what  I  tell  you, 
8am,  when  you  go  a  tradin  with  your  clocks  away  down  east  to  Nova 
Scotia,  and  them  wild  provinces,  keep  a  bright  look  out  on  them  as  cant 
too  much,  for  a  long  face  is  plaguy  apt  to  cover  a  long  conscience  ;  that's 
a  fact. 


the 

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the 

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hen 

the 

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the 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

TAMING  A  SHREW. 

Thb  road  from  Amherst  to  Parrsboro'  is  tedious  and  uninteresting. 
In  places  it  is  made  so  straight,  that  you  can  see  several  miles  of  it  be- 
fore you,  which  produces  an  appearance  of  interminable  length,  while  the 
stunted  growth  of  the  spruce  and  birch  trees  bespeaks  a  cold,  thin  soil, 
and  invests  the  scene  with  a  melancholy  and  sterile  aspect.  Here  and 
there  occurs  a  little  valley,  with  its  meandering  stream,  and  verdant  and 
fertile  intervale,  which,  though  possessing  nothing  peculiar  to  distinguish 
it  from  many  others  of  the  same  kind,  strikes  the  traveller  as  superior  to 


t«  ... 


TAMING  A  tllREW. 


them  all,  from  the  contrast  to  the  surrounding  country.  One  or  these 
sflchided  spots  attracted  my  attention,  from  the  number  and  neatness  of 
the  buildings  which  its  proprietor,  a  tanner  and  currier,  had  erected  Tor 
the  purposes  of  his  trade.  Kfr.  Slick  said  he  knew  him,  and  he  guessed 
it  was  a  pity  he  couldn't  keep  his  wife  in  as  good  order  as  he  did  nis  fac- 
tory. They  don't  hitch  their  horses  together  well  at  all.  He  is  properly 
lionpecked,  said  he  ;  he  is  afeard  to  call  his  soul  his  own,  and  ho  leads 
the  life  of  a  dog  ;  yuu  never  seed  the  boat  of  it,  I  vow.  Did  you  ever 
see  a  rooster  hatch  a  brood  of  chickens  1  No,  said  I,  not  that  I  can  re- 
collect. Well,  then  I  have,  said  he,  and  if  he  don't  look  like  a  fool  all 
the  time  he  is  settin  on  the  eggs,  it's  a  pity  ;  no  soul  could  help  larfin  to 
SCO  him.  Our  old  nigger,  January  Snow,  had  a  spite  agin  one  of  father's 
roosters,  seein  that  he  was  a  coward,  and  wouldn't  fight.  He  used  to 
call  him  Dearborne,  arter  our  general  that  behaved  so  ugly  to  Canada  : 
and  says  he  one  day,  I  guess  you  are  no  better  than  a  lien,  you  ever- 
lasting old  chicken-hearted  villain,  and  I'll  make  you  a  larfin  stock  to  all 
thn  poultry.  I'll  put  a  trick  on  you  you'll  bear  in  mind  all  your  born 
days.  So  he  catches  old  Dearborne,  and  pulls  all  the  feathers  off  his 
breast,  and  strips  him  as  naked  as  when  he  was  born,  from  his  throat 
clean  down  to  his  tail,  and  then  takes  a  bundle  of  nettles  and  gives  him 
a  proper  switchin  that  stung  him,  and  made  him  smart  like  mad  ;  then 
he  warms  some  eggs  and  puts  them  in  a  nest,  and  sets  the  old  cock  right 
a  top  of  'em.  Well,  the  warmth  of  the  eggs  felt  good  to  the  poor  crit- 
ter's naked  belly,  and  kinder  kept  the  itchin  of  the  nettles  down,  and  he 
was  glad  to  bide  where  he  was,  and  whenever  ho  was  tired  and  got  off, 
his  skin  felt  so  cold,  he'd  run  right  back  and  squat  down  agin,  and  when 
his  feathers  began  to  grow,  and  he  got  obatropolous,  he  got  another  tick- 
lin  with  the  nettles,  that  made  him  return  double  quick  to  his  location. 
In  a  little  time  he  larnt  the  trade  real  complete. 

Now,  this  John  Porter,  (and  there  he  is  on  the  bridge  I  vow,  I  never 
seed  the  beat  o'  that,  speak  of  old  Saytan  and  he's  sure  to  appear  ;)  well, 
he's  jist  like  old  Dearborne,  only  fit  to  hatch  eggs.  When  ho  came  to 
the  bridge,  Mr.  Slick  stopped  his  horse,  to  shake  hands  with  Porter, 
whom  he  recognised  as  an  old  acquaintance  and  customer.  He  inquired 
after  a  bark  mill  he  had  smuggled  from  the  states  for  him,  and  enlarged 
on  the  value  of  such  a  machine,  and  the  cleverness  of  his  countrymen 
who  invented  such  useful  and  profitable  articles  ;  and  was  recommending 
a  new  process  of  tanning,  when  a  female  voice  from  the  house  was  heard, 
vociferating,  John  Porter,  come  here  this  minute.  Coming,  my  dear, 
said  the  husband.  Come  here,  I  say,  directly,  why  do  you  stand  talking 
to  that  Yankee  villain  there  ?  The  poor  husband  hung  down  his  head, 
looked  silly,  and  bidding  us  good  bye,  returned  liiowly  to  the  house.  As 
we  drove  on,  Mr.  Slick  said  that  was  me — I  did  that.  Did  whati  said  I. 
That  was  me  what  «ent  him  back,  I  called  him  and  not  his  wife.  I  had 
that  arc  bestowment  ever  since  I  was  knee  high  or  so ;  I'm  a  rael  com- 
plete hand  at  ventriloquism  ;  I  can  take  off  any  man's  voice  I  ever  heard 
to  the  very  nines.  If  there  was  a  law  agin  forgin  that,  as  there  1%  for 
handwritin,  I  guess  I  should  have  been  hanged  long  ago.  I've  had  high 
goes  with  it  many  a  time,  but  it's  plaguy  dangersome,  and  I  don't  prac/t«« 
it  now  but  seldom. 

I  had  a  real  bout  with  that  are  citizen's  wife  once,  and  completely 
broke  her  in  for  him  ;  she  went  as  gentle  as  a  circus  horse  for  a.  space, 
but  he  let  her  have  her  head  agin,  and  she's  as  bad  M  ever  now.  I'U 
tell  yo\i  how  it  was, 


m 


ran  ctocKsrAKKR, 


m\ 


I  was  down  to  the  Island  u  seUin  clocks,  and  who  should  I  meet  bo& 
John  Porter ;  well,  I  traded  with  lum  lot  one  part  cash,  part  truck,  and 
fxaduce,  and  also  put  oif  on  hJru  that  are  bark  mill  you  heerd  me  axm 
about,  and  it  was  pretty  conjiiderable  on  \n  the  evenin  al'ore  we  finished 
our  trade.  I  came  horAC  along  with  him,  and  had  the  clock  in  the  wagon 
to  fi.T.  it  up  for  him,  and  to  show  hirn  how  to  regilate  it.  Well,  as  we 
neared  the  house,  he  began  to  ii-et  and  take  u<i  dreadful  onoasy  ;  says  he, 
I  hope  Jane  won't  h»  abed,  cause  if  she  is  she'll  act  ugly,  1  d«  suppose. 
I  had  heerd  tell  of  her  afore  ;  how  .she  used  to  carry  a  stiff  upper  lip,  and 
make  hnn  and  i  he.  broomstick  well  acquainted  together  ;  and.  says  I,  why 
do  you  put  up  with  her  tantrums,  I'd  make  a  fair  division  of  the  house 
with  her,  if  it  was  nie,  I'd  take  the  '.nside  and  allocate  her  the  outside  of 
it  pretty  quick,  that's  a  fact.  Well,  when  we  came  to  the  house,  there 
was  no  light  in  it,  and  the  poor  critter  looked  so  streaked  and  down  ii» 
the  mouth,  I  felt  prop'^r  sorry  for  him.  'When  he  rapped  at  the  door,  she 
called  out,  who's  there  .'  It's  me,  dear,  says  Porter.  You,  is  it.  said 
aiie,  then  ycMi  iivay  slay  where  you  lis,  them  as  gave  you  your  supper, 
may  give  you  your  bed,  instead  of  sendin  you  sneakin  home  at  night  like 
a  thief.  Said  I,  in  a  whisper,  says  I,  leave  her  to  me,  John  Porter — jast 
take  the  horses  up  to  the  barn,  and  see  arter  them,  and  I'll  n>anage  her 
for  you,  I'll  make  her  as  sweet  as  sugar  candy,  never  fear.  The  barn 
you  see  is  a  good  piece  off  the  eastwayd  of  the  house  ;  and  as  soon  as  hft 
was  cleverly  out  of  hearin,  says  I,  a  iniitatin  of  his  Toice  to  the  life,  do 
let  nie  in,  Jane,  says  I,  that's  a  dear  critter,  I've  brought  you  home  some 
things  you'll  hko,  I  know.  "Well,  sihe  was  an  awfid  jealous  critter ;  says 
she,  take  'em  to  her  you  sjjent  the  evenin  with,  I  don'^  want  you  nor 
jour  presents  neither.  Arter  a  good  deal  of  coaxin  I  9toc<d  ont'ae  t'other 
tack,  and  began  to  threaten  to  break  the  door  down,  says  I,  you  old  un- 
liansum  lookin  sinner,  you  vinerger  cruet  you,  o|)en  the  door  this  niinit  or 
I'll  smash  it  right  in.  That  grigged  her  properly,  if  made  her  very 
wratby  (for  nothin  s«Us.  up,  a  woman's  spunk  like  callin  her  ugly,  she  gets 
her  back  right  up  like  a  cat  when  a  strange  dog  comes  near  her  ;  she's, 
all  eyes,  shiws  and  bristles). 

I  heerd  kor  bounco  right  out  of  bed,  and  tihe  came  to  the  door  as  she 
was,  ondreased,  and  oi;,bolted  it;  af>d  as  T  entered  it,  she  fetched  me  a 
bo.\  right  atrosa  rny  cheek  with  the  flat  of  her  hand,  that  made  it  tipgl<^ 
agin.  I'll  teach  you  to  call  names  agin,  says  she,  you  varmint.  It  was 
jist  what  I  wanted ;  I  [>uahed  the  door  tu  with  my  f(K)t,  -.nd  seisin  her 
by  the  arm  with  one  band,  I  quilled  her  with  the  horsewhip  real  hand- 
sum  with  the  other.  At  first  she  roar«d  like  mad  ;  I'll  give  you  the  ten 
commandments,  says  s!ie  (meaning  hor  ten  ckiws,)  Til  pay  you  for  thi^, 
you  cowardly  villain,  to  striike  a  woman.  How  dare  you  lift  your  hand, 
John  Porter,  to  your  lawful  wife,  and  so  on  ;  all  the  time  runnin  round 
and  round,  like  a  colt  that'a  &  tM-eakin,  with  the  niouthin  bit,  rarein,  kick  • 
in,  and  plungin  like  staviee.  Then  she  began  to  give  in.  hJnys  she,  I 
beg  pardon,  on  my  kneeo  I  beg  pardon  ;  don't  murder  me  for  Heaven's. 
sake,  don't,  dear  John,  don't  murder  your  poor  wife,  that's  a  dear,  I'll  do, 
as  you  bid  me,  I  promisf)  to  behave  well,  upon  my  honour  I  do,  oh  • 
dear  John,  do  forgive  me,  do,  dear.  Wh»n  I  had  her  properly  brought 
too,  for  havin  nothin  on  bat  a  thin  under  garment  every  crack  of  the 
wihip  told  like  a  notch  on  a  baker's  tally  ;  says  I,  take  that  as  a  taste  of 
what  you'll  catch,  when  you  a  ;t  that  way  like  old  scratch.  Now  go  and 
dresu  youraelf.  and  get  suppor  for  me  and  a  straniicr  I  have  brought  homo 
jilcng  with  me,  and  be  quick,  for  I  vow  I'll  be  roaster  in  my  own  house. 


SI 

de 

I 

I 

\ 

CO 

r 


at 
it 
to 


bh 


A 


TKI  MINISTER't)  HORN  MUO.  M 

She  moaned  like  a  dog  hit  with  a  stone,  half  whine,  half  yelp  ;  dear, 
dear,  says  she,  if  I  aint  all  covered  over  with  welts  as  big  as  my  finger, 
1  do  believe  I'm  flayed  alive  ;  and  she  boohood  right  out  like  anything. 
I  guess,  said  I,  you've  got  'em  where  folks  won't  see  -em,  any  how,  and 
1  calculate  you  won't  be  over  forrad  to  show  'em  where  they  be.  But 
come,  says  I,  be  a  stirrin,  or  I'll  quilt  you  agin  as  sure  as  you're  alive; 
I'll  tan  your  hide  for  you,  you  may  depend,  you  old  ungainly  tempered 
heifer  you. 

When  I  went  to  the  barn,  says  I,  John  Porter,  your  wife  made  right 
at  me,  like  one  ravin  distracted  mad,  when  I  opened  the  door,  thinking 
it  was  you  ;  and  1  was  obliged  to  give  her  a  crack  or  two  of  the  cowskin 
to  get  clear  of  her.  It  has  effectuated  a  cure  completely  ;  now  foller  it 
up,  and  don't  let  on  for  your  life  it  warn't  you  that  did  it,  and  you'll  be 
master  once  more  in  your  own  house.  She's  all  docility  jist  now,  keep 
her  so.  As  we  returned  we  saw  a  light  in  the  keepin  room,  the  fire  was 
blazin  up  cheerfulsome,  and  Marm  Porter  moved  about  as  brisk  as  a 
parched  pea,  though  silent  as  dumb,  and  our  supper  was  ready  in  no  time. 
As  soon  as  she  took  her  seat  and  sot  down,  she  sprung  right  up  on  eend, 
as  if  she  sot  on  a  pan  of  hot  coals,  and  coloured  all  over;  and  then  tears 
started  in  her  eyes.  Thinks  I  to  myself,  I  calculate  I  wrote  that  are  les- 
son in  large  letters  any  how,  I  read  tliat  writin  without  spellin,  and  no 
mistake  ;  I  guess  you've  got  pretty  well  warmed  thereabouts  this  hitch. 
Then  she  tried  it  again,  first  she  sot  on  one  leg,  then  on  the  tother,  quite 
oneasy,  and  then  right  atwixt  both,  a  fidgettin  about  dreadfully ;  like  a 
man's  that's  rode  about  all  day  on  a  bad  saddle,  and  lost  a  little  leather 
on  the  way.  If  you  had  seed  how  she  stered  at  Porter,  it  would  have 
made  you  snicker.  She  couldn't  credit  her  eye*.  He  warn't  drunk, 
and  he  warn't  crazy,  but  there  he  sot  as  peeked  aad  as  meechin  as  you 
please.  She  seemed  all  struck  up  of  a  heap  at  his  rebellion.  The  next 
dav  when  I  was  about  etartin,  T  advised  him  to  act  like  a  man,  and  keep 
the  weather  guage  now  he  had  it,  and  all  would  ba  well ;  but  the  poor 
critter  only  held  on  a  day  or  two,  she  soon  got  the  upper  hand  of  him, 
and  made  him  confess  all,  'ind  by  all  accounts  ho  leads  a  worse  life  now 
than  ever.  I  put  that  are  trick  on  him  jist  to  try  him,  and  I  see  it's  gone 
goose  with  him  ;  the  jig  is  up  with  him,  she'll  soon  call  him  with  a  whis- 
tle like  a  dog.  I  often  think  of  the  hornpipe  she  danced  there  in  the 
dark  along  with  me  to  the  music  of  my  whip  ;  she  touched  it  off  in  great 
atyle,  that's  a  fact.  I  shall  mind  that  go  one  while,  I  promise  you.  It 
was  actilly  equal  to  a  play  at  old  Bowry.  You  may  de[)end,  squire,  the 
only  way  to  tame  a  shrew  is  by  the  cowskin.  Graiidfither  Slick  was 
raised  all  along  the  coast  of  Kent  in  old  England,  and  he  used  to  say 
there  was  an  old  saying  there,  which,  I  expect,  is  not  far  off  the  mark ; 

"  A  woman,  a  dog,  and  a  walnut  tree. 
The  more  you  lick  'em  th.j  better  they  be." 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

THE  MINISTER'S  HORN  MUG. 

This  country,  said  .Mr.  Slick,  abounds  in  superior  mill  privileges,  and 
one  would  naterally  calculate  that  such  a  sight  of  water  power  would 
have  led  to  a  knowledge  of  machinery.  I  guess  if  a  blue-nose  was  to 
go  to  one  of  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens,  and  tell  him  Nova  Scotia 
was  intersected  with  rivers  and  brooks  in  all  directions,  and  nearly  oa» 

H2 


90 


TMK   CLOCKMAKER: 


quarter  of  it  covered  with  water,  he'd  say,  well,  I'll  start  right  off  and  see? 
it,  I  vow,  for  I  guess  I'll  lam  sotnethin.  I  allot  I'll  get  another  wrinkle 
away  down  east  there.  With  such  splendid  chances  for  experitnentin, 
what  first-chop  mills  they  must  have,  to  a  sartinty.  I'll  see  such  new 
combinations,  and  such  new  applications  of  the  force  of  water  to  motion, 
that  I'll  make  my  fortin,  for  we  can  improve  on  anything  amost.  Well, 
he'd  find  his  mistake  out,  I  (juess,  as  I  did  once,  when  T  took  passage  in 
the  night  at  New  York  for  Providence,  and  found  myself  the  next  mornin 
clean  out  to  sea,  steerin  away  for  Cape  Hatteras,  in  the  Charleston 
steamer.  He'd  find  he'd  gone  to  the  wrong  place,  I  reckon  ;  there  aint 
a  mill  of  any  kind  in  the  province  fit  to  be  seen.  If  we  had  'em,  we'd 
sarve  'em  as  we  do  the  gamblin  houses  down  south,  pull  'cm  right  down, 
there  wouldn't  be  one  on  'em  left  in  eight  and  forty  hours. 

Some  domestic  factories  they  ought  to  have  here ;  it's  an  essential 
part  of  the  social  system.  Now  we've  run  to  the  other  extreme,  it's  got 
to  be  too  big  an  interest  with  us,  and  aint  suited  to  the  political  institu- 
tions of  our  great  country.  Nalur  designed  us  for  an  agricultural  people, 
and  our  goverr»ment  was  predicated  on  the  supposition  that  we  would  be 
so.  Mx.  Hopewell  was  of  the  same  opinion.  He  was  a  great  hand  at 
gardenin,  orchardin,  farmin,  and  what  not.  One  evenin  I  was  up  to  his 
house,  and  says  he,  Sam,  what  do  you  say  to  a  bottle  of  my  old  genuins 
cider,  I  guess  I  got  some  that  will  take  the  shine  off  your  father's  by  a 
long  chalk,  much  as  the  old  gentle-  m  brags  of  his'n  ;  I  never  bring  it 
out  afore  him.  He  thinks  he  has  tne  best  in  all  Connecticut.  It's  an 
innocent  ambition  that ;  and,  Sam,  it  would  be  but  a  poor  thing  for  me  to 
gratify  my  pride,  at  the  expense  of  humblin  his'n.  So  I  never  lets  oa 
that  I  have  any  better,  but  keep  dark  about  this  superfine  particular  arti- 
cle of  mine,  for  I'd  as  lives  he'd  think  so  as  not.  He  was  a  real  primi- 
tioe  good  man,  was  minister.  I  got  some,  said  he,  that  was  bottled  that 
▼ery  year  that  glorious  action  was  fought  atween  the  Constitution  and 
the  Guerriere.  Perhaps  the  whole  world  couldn't  show  such  a  brilliant 
whippin  as  that  was.  It  was  a  splendid  deed,  that's  a  fact.  The  British 
can  whip  the  whole  airth,  and  we  can  whip  the  British.  It  was  a  bright 
promise  for  our  young  eagle,  a  noble  bird  that  too  ;  great  strength,  great 
courage,  and  surpassing  sagacity. 

Well,  he  went  down  to  the  collar,  and  brought  up  a  bottle,  with  a 
stick  tied  to  its  neck,  and  day  and  date  to  it,  like  the  lye-bills  on  the  trees 
in  Squire  Hendrick's  garden.  I  like  to  see  them  are  cobwebs,  says  he, 
as  he  brushed  'em  off,  they  are  like  gray  hairs  in  an  old  man's  head,  they 
indicate  venerable  old  age.  As  he  uncorked  it,  says  he,  I  guoss,  Sam, 
this  will  warm  your  gizzard,  my  boy  ;  I  guess  our  great  nation  may  be 
stumped  to  produce  more  elegantcr  liquor  than  this  here.  It's  the  dandy, 
that's  a  fact.  That,  said  he,  a  smackin  his  lips,  and  lookin  at  its  spark- 
lin  top,  and  layin  back  his  head,  and  tippin  off  a  horn  mug  brim  full  of 
it ;  that,  said  he — and  his  eyes  twinkled  agin,  for  it  was  plaguy  strong — 
that  is  the  produce  of  my  own  orchard.  Well,  I  said,  minister,  says  I, 
I  never  see  you  a  swiggin  it  out  of  that  are  horn  mug,  that  I  don't  think 
of  one  of  your  texts.  What's  that,  Sam1  says  he,  for  vou  always  had 
a  most  special  memory  when  you  was  a  boy  ;  why,  says  I,  "  that  the 
horn  of  the  righteous  man  shall  be  exalted,"  I  guess  that's  wha';  they 
mean  by  "exalfin  the  horn,"  aint  iti  Lord,  if  ever  you  was  to  New 
Orle«n*,  and  seed  a  black  thunder  cloud  rise  right  up  and  cover  the  whole 
sky  in  a  minit,  you'd  a  thought  of  it  if  you  had  seed  his  face.  It  looked 
as  dark  as  Egypt.     For  shame,  says  he,  Sam,  that's  ondecent ;  and  let 


mc 

wit 

set 

to 

set 

el 

se3 

g0( 
flO( 

by 
pre 


THE  MINISTER  8  UORW  MCfl. 


81 


me  tell  you  that  a  man  that  jokes  on  such  subjects,  shows  both  a  lack  of 
wit  and  sense  too.  I  like  mirth,  you  know  I  do,  for  it's  only  the  Phari- 
sees and  hypocrites  that  wear  long  faces,  but  then  mirth  must  be  innocent 
to  please  me  ;  and  when  I  see  a  man  make  merry  with  serious  thinsjs,  I 
set  him  down  as  a  lost  sheep.  That  comes  of  your  speculation  to  Low- 
ell ;  and,  I  vow,  them  factorin  towns  will  corrupt  our  youth  of  both 
sexes,  and  become  hotbeds  of  iniquity.  Evil  communications  endamnify 
good  manners,  as  sure  as  rates  ;  one  scabby  sheep  will  infect  a  whole 
flock  ;  vice  is  as  catchin  as  that  nasty  disease  the  Scotch  have,  it's  got 
by  shakin  hands,  and  both  eend  in  the  same  way  ;  m  brimstone.  I  ap- 
probate domestic  factories,  but  nothin  farther  for  us.  It  don't  suit  us  or 
our  institutions.  A  republic  is  only  calculated  for  an  enlightened  and 
vartuous  people,  and  folks  chiefly  m  the  farmin  Ime.  That  is  an  innocent 
and  a  happy  vocation.  Agriculture  was  ordained  by  Him  as  made  us, 
for  our  chief  ^[^upation. 

Thinks  I,  here's  a  pretty  how  do  you  do ;  I'm  in  for  it  now,  that's  a 
fact ;  he'll  jist  fall  to  and  read  a  regular  sarmon,  and  he  knows  so  many 
by  heart  he'll  never  stop,  ^t  would  take  a  Philadelphia  lawyer  to  answer 
him.  So,  says  I,  minister,  I  ax  your  pardon,  I  feel  very  ugly  at  havin 
given  you  oft'enco,  but  i  vl:-'  I't  mean  it,  I  do  assure  you.  It  jist  popt  otit 
unexpectedly,  like  a  cork  out  of  one  of  them  are  cider  bottles.  I'll  do 
my  possibles  that  the  like  don't  happen  agin,  you  may  depend  ;  so  'spose 
we  drink  a  glass  to  r  -econciliation.  That  I  will,  said  he,  and  we  will 
have  another  bottle  foo  tut  I  must  put  a  little  water  into  my  glass,  (and 
he  dwelt  on  that  word,  end  looked  at  me  quite  feelin,  as  much  as  to  say, 
don't  for  goodness  sake  make  use  of  that  are  word  horn  agin,  for  it's  a 
joke  I  don't  like.)  for  my  head  hasn't  quite  the  strength  my  cider  has. 
Taste  this,  Sam,  said  he,  (openin  of  another  bottle,)  it's  of  the  same  age 
as  the  list,  but  made  of  different  apj)les,  and  I  am  fairly  stumped  some- 
times to  say  which  is  best.  » 

Those  are  the  pleasures,  says  he,  of  a  country  life.  A  man's  own 
labour  provides  hiin  with  food,  and  an  appetite  to  enjoy  it.  Let  him  look 
which  way  he  will,  and  he  sees  the  goodness  and  bounty  of  his  Creator, 
in  his  wisdom,  his  power,  and  his  majesty.  There  never  was  anything 
so  true,  as  that  are  old  sayiii,  "  man  made  the  town,  but  God  made  the 
country,"  and  both  bespeak  their  different  architects  in  terms  too  plain 
to  be  misunderstood.  The  one  is  filled  with  virtue  and  the  other  with 
vice.  One  is  the  abode  of  plenty,  and  the  other  of  want ;  one  is  a  ware- 
duck  of  nice  pure  water,  and  t'other  one  a  cess-pool.  Our  towns  are 
gettin  so  commercial  and  factoring,  that  they  will  soon  generate  mobs, 
Sam,  (how  true  that  are  has  turned  out,  haint  it  1  He  could  see  near 
about  as  far  hito  a  mill-stone  as  them  that  picks  the  hole  into  it,)  and  mobs 
will  introduce  disobedience  and  defiance  to  laws,  and  that  must  eend  in 
anarchy  and  bloodshed.  No,  said  the  old  man,  raising  his  voice,  and 
giving  the  table  a  wipe  with  his  fist  that  made  the  glasses  all  jingle  agin, 
give  me  the  country  ;  that  country  to  which  he  that  made  it  said,  "  Bring 
forth  grass,  the  herb  yieldin  seed,  and  thq,tree  yieldin  fruit,"  and  who 
saiu  it  that  it  was  good.  Let  me  jine  with  the  feathered  tribe  in  the 
mornin,  (I  hope  you  get  up  airly  now,  Sam  ;  when  you  was  a  boy  there 
was  no  gettin  you  out  of  bed  at  no  rate,)  and  at  sunset,  in  the  hymns 
which  they  utter  in  full  tide  of  song  to  their  Creator.  Let  me  pour  out 
the  thankfulness  of  my  heart  to  the  Giver  of  all  good  things,  for  the  nu- 
merous blessings  I  enjoy,  and  entreat  him  to  bless  my  increase,  that  I 
may  have  wherewithal  to  relieve  the  wants  of  others,  as  he  prevents  and 


j£!l 


08 


THE  CLOCXMAKEK. 


I 


relieves  mine.     No  !  give  me  the  country.     It's minister  was  jist 

like  a  horse  that  has  the  spavin  ;  he  sot  ofT  considerable  stiff  at  first,  but 
when  he  once  got  under  way,  he  got  on  like  a  house  a  fire.  He  went 
like  the  wind  full  split. 

He  was  just  bcginnin  to  warm  on  the  subject,  and  I  knew  if  he  did, 
what  wonderful  bottom  he  had  ;  how  he  wonld  hang  on  for  ever  amost  ; 
80  8  lys  I,  I  think  so  too,  minister,  I  like  the  country,  I  always  sleep  bet- 
ter there  than  in  towns ;  it  aint  so  plaguy  hot,  nor  so  noisy  neither,  and 
then  it's  a  pleasant  thing  to  set  out  on  the  stoop  and  smoke  in  the  cool, 
nint  it  ]  I  think,  says  I,  too,  minister,  that  arc  uncommon  handsum  cider 
of  yourn  desarves  a  pipe,  what  do  you  think  1  Well,  says  he,  I  think 
myself  a  pipe  wouldn't  be  amiss,  and  I  got  some  rael  good  Varginy,  as 
you  cen  amost  ever  seed,  a  present  from  Rowland  Randolph,  an  old  col- 
lege chum  ;  and  none  the  worse  to  my  palate,  Sam,  for  bringin  by-gone 
recollections  with  it.  Phoebe,  my  dear,  said  he,  to  his  darter,  bring  the 
])ipcs  and  tobacco.  As  soon  as  the  old  gentleman  fairly  got  a  pipe  in  his 
mouth,  I  give  Phoebe  a  wink,  as  much  as  to  say,  warn't  that  well  done  1 
That's  what  I  call  a  most  particular  handsum  fix.  He  can  talk  now,  (and 
that  I  do  like  to  hear  him  do,)  but  he  can't  make  a  speech,  or  preach  a 
sarmon,  and  that  Fdon't  like  to  hear  him  do,  except  on  Sabbath-day,  or 
up  to  Town  Hall,  on  oration  times. 

Minister  was  an  uncommon  pleasant  man,  for  there  was  nothin  amost 
he  didn't  know,  except  when  he  got  his  dander  up,  and  then  he  did  spin 
out  his  yarns  for  everlastinly. 

But  I'm  of  his  opinion.  If  the  folks  here  want  their  country  to  go 
ahead,  they  must  honour  the  plough,  and  General  Campbell  ought  to 
hammer  that  are  into  their  noddles,  full  chisel,  as  hard  as  he  can  drive. 
I  could  lam  him  somethin,  I  guess,  about  hammerin  he  aint  up  to.  It 
nint  every  one  that  knows  how  to  beat  a  thing  into  a  man's  head.  How 
could  I  have  sold  so  many  thousand  clocks,  if  I  hadn't  had  that  nack. 
Why,  I  wouldn't  have  sold  half  a  dozen,  you  may  depend. 

Agriculture  is  not  only  neglected  but  degraded  here.  What  anumbsr 
of  young  folks  there  seem  to  be  in  these  parts,  a  ridin  about,  titivated  out 
real  jam,  in  their  go-to-meetin  clothes,  a  doin  nothin.  It's  melancholy  to 
think  on  it.  That's  the  effect  of  the  last  war.  The  idleness  and  extrava- 
gance of  those  times  took  root,  and  bore  fruit  abundantly,  and  now  the 
young  people  are  above  their  business.  They  are  too  high  in  the  instep, 
that's  a  fact. 

Old  Drivvle,  down  here  to  Maccan,  said  to  me  one  day.  For  grac  jus 
sake,  says  he,  Mr.  Slick,  to  tell  me  what  I  shall  do  with  Johnny.  His 
mother  sets  great  store  by  him,  and  thinks  he's  the  makin*  of  a  consider- 
able smart  man ;  he's  growin  up  fast  now,  and  I  am  pretty  well  to  do  in 
the  world,  and  reasonable  forehanded,  but  I  don't  know  what  the  dogs  to 
put  him  to.  The  Lawyers  are  like  spiders,  they've  eat  up  all  the  flies, 
and  I  guess  they'll  have  to  cat  each  other  soon,  for  there's  more  on  'em 
than  causes  now  every  court.  The  Doctors'  trade  is  a  poor  one,  too, 
they  don't  get  barely  cash  enough  to  pay  for  their  medicitr«s  ;  I  never 
seed  a  country  practitioner  yet  that  made  anything  worth  speakin  oi'. 
Then,  as  for  preachin,  why  church  and  dissenters  are  pretty  ranch  tarred 
with  the  same  stick,  they  live  in  the  same  pastur  with  theif  iocks  ,  and, 
between  'em,  it's  fed  down  pretty  close  I  tell  you.  What  wouJi'  you  ad- 
vise me  to  do  with  him]  Well,  says  I,  I'll  tell  you  if  you  won't  be  miiff 
with  me.  Miffy  with  you  indeed,  said  he,  I  guest-  I'll  be  very  much 
obliged  to  you  ;  it  aint  ever>  day  one  gets  a  chance  to  consult  with  a 


n  • 


THE  vrillTB  MGRER. 


98 


or 


person  of  your  experience ;  I  count  it  quite  a  privilege  to  have  the  opinion 
of  such  an  undcrstandin  man  as  you  be.  Well,  says  i,  take  a  stick  and 
give  him  a  rael  good  quiltin,  jist  tantune  him  like  blazes,  and  set  him  to 
work.  What  does  the  critter  want  ]  you  have  a  good  farm  for  him,  let 
him  go  anu  aim  his  bread  ;  and  when  he  can  raise  that,  let  him  get  a 
wife  to  make  butter  for  it ;  and  when  he  has  more  of  both  than  he  wants, 
let  him  sell  'em  and  lay  up  his  money,  and  he  will  soon  have  his  bread 
buttered  on  both  sides — put  him  to,  eh  !  why,  put  him  to  the  plouqh,  the 
most  material,  the  most  happy,  the  most  innocent,  and  the  most  healthy 
employment  in  the  world.  But,  said  the  old  man  (and  he  did  not  look 
over  half  pleased)  markets  are  so  confounded  dull,  labour  so  high,  and 
the  banks  and  great  folks  a  swallerin  all  up  so,  there  don't  seem  much 
encouragement  for  farmers,  it's  hard  rubbin,  now-a-days,  to  live  by  the 
])lough  ;  he'll  be  a  hard  workin  poor  man  all  his  days.  Oh !  says  I,  if 
he  wants  to  get  rich  by  farmin,  he  can  do  that  too.  Let  him  sell  his 
wheat,  and  eat  his  oatmeal  and  rye  ;  send  his  beef,  mutton,  and  poultry 
to  market,  and  eat  his  pork  and  potatoes,  make  his  own  cloth,  weave  his 
own  linen,  and  keep  out  of  shops,  and  he'll  soon  grow  rich — there  are 
more  fortius  got  by  savin  than  by  makin,  I  guess,  a  plaguy  sight — ho  can't 
eat  his  cake  and  have  it  too,  that's  a  fact.  No,  make  a  farmer  of  him, 
and  you  will  have  the  satisfaction  of  seeing  him  an  honest,  an  independent, 
and  a  respectable  member  of  society  ;  more  honest  than  traders,  more- 
independent  than  professional  meii,  and  more  respectable  than  either. 

Ahem  !  says  Marm  Drivvle,  and  she  began  to  clear  her  throat  for  ac- 
tion ;  she  slumped  down  her  nittin,  and  clawed  off  her  spectacles,  and 
looked  right  straight  at  me,  so  as  to  take  good  aim.  I  seed  a  regular 
norwester  a  brewin,  I  knew  it  would  bust  somewhere  sartin,  and  make 
all  smoke  agin,  so  I  cleared  out  and  left  old  Drivvle  to  stand  the  squall. 
I  conceit  he  must  have  had  a  tempestical  time  of  it,  for  she  had  got  her 
Ebenezer  up,  and  looked  like  a  proper  sneezer.  Make  hei  Johnny  a 
farmer,  eh  !  I  guess  that  was  too  much  for  the  like  o'  her  to  stomach. 

Pride,  squire,  continued  the  Clockmaker,  (with  such  an  air  ol  concern, 
that,  I  verily  believe,  the  man  feels  an  interest  in  the  welfare  of  a  pro- 
vince in  which  he  has  spent  so  long  a  time,)  pride,  squire,  and  a  fnlso 
pride,  too,  is  the  ruin  of  this  country,  I  hope  I  may  be  skinned  if  it  aint. 


CHAPTER  XXVII, 

THE  WHITE  NIGGEU. 

One  of  the  most  amiable,  and  at  the  same  time  most  amusing  traits, 
M  the  Ulockmaker's  character,  was  the  attachment  and  kindness  with 
which  he  regarded  his  liorse.  He  considered  "  Old  Clay"  as  far  above  a 
j)roviiicial  horse,  as  he  did  one  of  his  "  free  and  enlightened  citizens" 
superior  to  a  blue-nose.  He  treated  him  as  a  travelling  companion,  and 
" '"en  conversation  flagged  between  us,  would  often  soliloquize  to  him,  a 
^"nMt  contracted  from  pursuing  his  jomneys  alone.  Well,  now,  he  would 
s*\.  •'  Old  Clay,"  1  guess  you  took  Noar  time  iijjom  up  that  are  hill,  s'pose 
*<r  progress  now.  Go  along,  you  old  sculnin,  and  turn  out  your  toes. 
I  reckon  you  are  as  detf  as  a  shad  ;  do  vau  near  there  !  *'  go  ahead,  Old 
♦  "•ay."  There,  now,  he'd  say,  s(juire,  ;»iiit  that  dreadful  pretty  1  There's 
action.  That  looks  about  right ;  legs  all  under  him,  gathers  all  up  snug, 
no  bobbin  of  his  htad,  no  rollin  of  his  shoulders,  no  wabblm  of  his  hind 
parts,  but  steady  a&  a  pump  bolt,  and  the  ruction  al!  underneath.     Wh*n 


04 


THE  CLOCKMAKEK. 


he  fairly  lays  himself  to  it,  he  trots  like  all  vengeance.  Then  look  at 
his  ears,  jist  like  rabbits',  none  o'  your  flop  ears  like  them  Amherst  beasts, 
half  horses,  half  pigs,  but  straight  up  and  pineted,  and  not  too  near  at  the 
tips  ;  for  that  are,  I  consait,  always  shows  a  horse  aint  true  to  draw. 
There  are  only  two  thirigs,  squire,  worth  lookin  at  in  a  horse,  action  and 
HOundnesR,  for  I  never  saw  a  critter  that  had  good  action  that  was  a  bad 
beast.     Old  Clay  put?  me  in  mind  of  one  of  our  free  and  enlightened — 

Excuse  me,  said  1,  Mr.  Slick,  but  really  you  appropriate  that  v/ord 
"  free"  to  your  countrymen,  as  if  yo;>  thought  no  other  people  in  the  world 
were  entitled  to  it  but  yourselves.  Neither  they  be,  said  he.  We  first 
sot  the  example.  Look  at  our  declaration  of  independence.  It  was  writ 
by  Jefferson,  and  he  was  the  first  man  of  the  age,  perhaps  the  world 
never  seed  his  ditto.  It's  a  beautiful  piece  of  penmanship  that ;  he  gave 
the  British  the  butt  eend  of  his  mind  there.  I  calculate  you  couldn't 
fault  it  in  no  particular,  it's  generally  allowed  to  be  his  cap  sheaf.  In  the 
first  page  of  it,  second  section,  and  first  varse,  are  these  words,  "  We 
hoiil  'his  truth  to  be  self-evident,  that  all  men  are  created  equal."  I 
guess  King  George  turned  his  quid  when  he  read  that.  It  was  somethin 
to  chaw  on,  he  hadn't  been  used  to  the  flavour  of,  I  reckon. 

Jpfierson  forgot  to  insert  one  little  word,  said  I ;  he  should  have  said, 
*'  all  white  men  ;"  for,  as  it  now  stands,  it  is  a  practical  untruth,  in  a 
country  which  tolerates  domestic  slavery  in  its  worst  and  most  forbidding 
form.  It  is  a  declaration  of  shame,  and  not  of  independence.  It  is  as 
perfect  a  misnomer  as  ever  I  knew.  Well,  said  he,  I  must  admit  there 
is  a  screw  loose  somewhere  thereabouts,  and  I  wish  it  would  convene  to 
congress  to  do  somethin  .or  another  about  our  niggers,  but  I  am  not  quite 
certifled  how  that  is  to  be  sot  to  rights  ;  I  consait  that  you  don't  under- 
stand us.  But,  said  he,  (evading  the  subject  with  his  usual  dexterity,) 
we  deal  only  in  niggers  ;  and  those  thick-skulled,  crooked- shanked,  flat- 
fjoted,  long-heeled,  woolly-headed  gentlemen  don't  seem  fit  for  much 
rljo  but  slavery,  I  do  suppose  ;  they  aint  fit  to  contrive  for  themselves. 
They  are  just  like  grasshoppers  ;  they  dance  and  sing  all  summer,  and 
when  winter  comes  they  liiivf  nothin  provided  for  it,  and  lay  down  and 
die.  Tiiey  require  some  one  to  see  arter  them.  Now,  we  deal  in 
black  niggers  only,  but  the  blue-noses  sell  their  own  species  ;  they  trade 
in  white  slavrs.  Thank  God,  said  1,  slavery  does  not  rxist  in  any  part 
of  his  majesty's  dotiiinioiiu  now,  we  have  at  last  wiped  off  that  national 
stain.  Not  quite,  1  guess,  said  he,  with  an  air  of  triumph,  it  aint  done 
with  in  Nova  Scotiii,  for  I  havo  seed  these  human  cattle  sales  with  my 
own  eyes  ;  I  was  a\  ailed  of  the  truth  of  it  up  here  to  old  Furlong's,  last 
November.  I'll  tell  you  the  story,  waid  he  ;  and  as  this  story  of  the 
Clockmaker's  contained  some  extraordinary  statements  which  I  had 
never  heard  of  before,  I  noted  it  in  my  journal,  for  the  purpose  of  ascer- 
taining their  truth  ;  and,  if  founded  on  fact,  of  laying  them  before  the 
proper  authorities. 

liHst  fall,  said  he,  I  was  on  my  way  to  Partridge  Island,  to  ship  off  some 
truck  and  produce  I  had  taken  in,  in  the  way  of  trade  ;  and  as  I  neared 
old  Furlong's  house,  I  seed  an  amazin  crowd  of  folks  about  the  door  ;  I 
said  to  myself,  says  I,  who's  dead,  and  what's  to  pay  now  1  what  on  airth 
is  the  meanin  of  all  this  !  Is  it  a  vandew,  or  a  weddin,  or  a  rolin  frolic, 
or  a  religious  stir,  or  what  is  it  !  Thinks  I,  I'll  see  ;  so  I  hitches  Old 
Clay  to  the  fence,  and  walks  in.  It  was  sometime  afore  I  was  able  to 
swiggle  my  way  through  the  crowd,  and  get  into  the  house.  And  when  I 
did,  who  should  I  see  but  Deacon  Westfall,  a  smooth-faced,  slick-haired, 


THE  WHITE  NtGCER. 


meechin-lookin  chap  as  you'd  see  in  a  hundred,  a  standin  on  a  stool,  with 
an  auctioneer's  hammer  in  his  hand  ;  and  afore  him  was  one  Jerry  Oaka 
and  his  wife,  and  two  little  orphan  children,  ^he  prettiest  little  toads  I 
ever  beheld  in  all  my  bovn  days.  Gentlemen,  said  he,  I  will  begin  iho 
sale  by  puttin  up  Jerry  Oaks,  of  Apple  River,  he's  a  considerable  of  a 
smart  man  yet,  and  can  do  many  little  chores  besides  feedin  the  children 
and  pigs,  I  guess  he's  near  about  worth  his  keep.  Will  you  warrant  him 
sound,  wind  and  limb  1  says  a  tall  ragged-lookin  countryman,  for  he  looks 
to  me  as  if  he  was  foundered  in  both  feet,  and  had  a  string  halt  into  the 
bargain.  When  you  are  as  old  as  I  be,  says  Jerry,  mayhap  you  may  be  . 
foundered  too,  young  man  ;  I  have  seen  the  day  when  you  wouldn't  dare 
to  pass  that  joke  on  me,  big  as  you  be.  Will  any  gentleman  bid  for  him  1 
says  the  deacon,  he's  cheap  at  7s.  6d.  Why,  deacon,  says  Jerry,  why, 
surely  your  honour  isn't  agein  for  to  sell  me  separate  from  my  poor  old 
wife,  are  you  1  Fifty  years  have  we  lived  together  as  man  and  wife,  and 
a  good  wife  has  she  been  to  me,  through  all  my  troubles  and  trials,  and 
God  knows  I  have  had  enough  of  'em.  No  one  knows  my  ways  and  ail- 
ments but  her,  and  who  can  tend  me  so  kind,  or  who  will  bear  with  the 
complaini  J  of  a  poor  old  man  but  his  wife.  Do,  deacon,  and  Heaven  bless 
you  for  it,  and  yours,  do  sell  us  together  ;  we  have  but  a  few  days  to  live 
now,  death  will  divide  us  soon  enough.  Leave  her  to  close  my  old  eyes, 
when  the  struggle  comes  ;  and  when  it  comes  to  you,  deacon,  as  come 
it  must  to  all,  may  this  good  deed  rise  up  for  yuu.  as  a  memorial  before 
God.  I  wish  it  had  pleased  him  to  have  taken  us  afore  it  came  to  this, 
but  his  will  be  done  ;  and  he  hung  his  head,  as  if  he  felt  he  had  drained 
the  cup  of  degradation  to  its  dregs.  Can't  aflford  it,  Jerry  ;  can't  afTord 
it,  old  man,  said  the  deacon,  (with  such  a  smile  as  a  November  sun  gives, 
a  passin  atween  clouds).  Last  year  they  took  oats  for  rates,  now  nothin 
but  wheat  will  go  down,  and  that's  as  good  as  cash,  and  you'll  hang  on, 
as  most  of  you  do,  yet  these  many  years.  There's  old  J,ie  Crowe,  I  be- 
lieve in  my  conscience  he  will  live  for  ever.  The  biddin  then  went  on, 
and  he  was  sold  for  six  shillings  a  week.  Well,  the  poor  critter  gave 
one  long,  loud,  deep  groan,  and  then  folded  his  arms  over  his  breast,  so 
tight  that  he  seemed  tryin  to  keep  in  his  breast  from  bustin.  I  pitied  the 
misfortunate  wretch  from  my  soul,  I  don't  know  as  I  ever  felt  so  streaked 
afore.  Not  so  his  wife,  she  was  all  tongue.  She  begged,  and  prayed, 
and  cried,  and  scolded,  and  talkeJ  at  the  very  tip  eend  of  her  voice, 
till  she  became,  poor  critter,  exhausted,  and  went  off  in  a  faintin  fit,  and 
they  ketched  her  up  and  carried  her  out  to  the  air,  and  she  was  sold  in 
that  condition. 

Well,  I  couldn't  make  head  or  tail  of  all  this,  I  could  hardly  believe 
my  own  eyes  and  ears  ;  so  says  I  to  John  Porter,  (him  that  has  that 
catamount  of  a  wife,  that  I  had  such  a  touss  with,)  John  Porter,  says  I, 
who  ever  seed  or  heerd  tell  of  the  like  of  this,  what  under  the  sun  does 
it  all  mean  ]  What  has  that  are  critter  done  that  he  should  be  sold  arter 
that  fashion  ?  Done,  said  he,  why  nothin,  and  that's  the  reason  they  sell 
him.  This  is  town-meeting  day,  and  we  always  sell  the  posr  for  the  year, 
to  the  lowest  bidder.  Them  that  will  keep  them  for  the  lowest  sum,  gets 
them.  Why,  says  I,  that  feller  that  bought  him  is  a  pauper  himself,  to 
my  sartin  knowledge.  If  you  were  to  take  him  up  by  the  heels  and 
shake  him  for  a  week,  you  couldn't  shake  sixpence  out  of  him.  How  can 
he  keep  him  ]  it  appears  to  me  the  poor  buy  the  poor  here,  and  that  they 
all  starve  together.  Says  I,  there  was  a  very  good  man  once  lived  to 
Liverpool,  so  good,  he  said  he  hadn't  sinned  for  seven  years  :  well,  he  put 


u 


TUG  CLOCKMAKER. 


m 


( 


a  mill-(]am  across  the  river,  and  stxjpt  all  the  fish  from  goiii  up,  and  tlie 
court  fined  him  fifty  pounds  for  it,  and  this  good  mnn  was  so  wrathy,  he 
thought  he  should  feel  better  to  swear  a  little,  but  conscience  tokl  him  it 
was  wicked.  So  he  compounded  with  conscience,  and  cheated  the  devil, 
by  calling  it  a  "  dam  fine  business."  Now,  Friend  Porter,  if  this  is  your 
poor-law,  it  is  a  damn  poor  law,  I  tell  you,  and  no  good  can  come  of  such 
hard-hearted  doins.  It's  no  wonder  your  country  don't  prosper,  for  who 
ever  heerd  of  a  blessin  on  such  carryins  on  as  this  ]  Says  I,  did  you 
ever  hear  tell  of  a  sartin  rich  man,  that  had  a  beggar  called  Lazarus  laid 
at  his  gate,  and  how  the  dogs  had  more  compassion  than  he  had,  and 
came  and  licked  his  sores  1  cause  if  you  have,  look  at  that  forehanded 
man  there.  Deacon  Westfall,  and  you  see  the  rich  man.  And  then  look 
at  that  are  pauper,  dragged  away  in  that  ox-cart  from  his  wife  for  ever, 
like  a  fellen  to  states  prison,  and  you  see  Lazarus.  Recollect  what  fol- 
iered,  John  Porter,  «nd  have  neither  art  nor  part  in  it,  as  you  are  a 
Christian  man. 

It  fairly  made  me  sick  all  day.  John  Portor  foUered  me  out  of  tho 
house,  and  as  I  was  a  turnin  Old  Clay,  said  he,  Mr.  Slick,  says  he,  I 
never  seed  it  in  that  are  light  afore,  for  it's  our  custom,  and  custom,  you 
know,  will  reconcile  one  to  most  anything.  I  must  say,  it  does  appear, 
as  you  lay  it  out,  an  unfeelin  way  of  providin  for  the  poor  ;  but,  as  touchin 
the  matter  of  dividin  man  and  wife,  why,  (and  he  peered  all  round  to  see 
that  no  one  was  within  hearin,)  why,  I  don't  know,  but  if  it  was  my  al- 
lotment to  be  sold,  I'd  as  lief  they'd  sell  me  separate  from  Jane  as  not, 
for  it  appears  to  me  it's  about  the  best  part  of  it. 

Now,  what  I've  told  you,  squire,  said  the  Clockmaker,  is  the  truth ; 
and,  if  members,  instead  of  their  everlastin  politics,  would  only  look  into 
these  matters  a  little,  I  guess  it  would  be  far  better  for  the  country.  So> 
for  our  declaration  of  independence,  I  guess  you  needn't  twitt  me  with 
our  slave-sales,  for  we  deal  only  in  blacks  ;  but  blue-nose  approbates  no 
<listhiction  in  colours,  and  when  reduced  to  poverty,  is  reduced  to  slavery, 
and  is  sold — a  While  Nigger. 


CHAPTER  XXVIir. 

FIRE  IN  THE  DAIRY. 

As  we  approached  within  fifteen  or  twenty  miles  of  Parrsboro',  a  sud- 
den turn  of  the  road  brought  us  directly  in  front  of  a  large  wooden  house, 
consisting  of  two  stories  and  an  immense  roof,  the  height  of  which  edifice 
was  much  increased  by  a  stone  foundation,  rising  several  feet  above 
ground.  Now,  did  you  ever  see,  said  Mr.  Slick,  such  a  catamaran  as 
that  1  there's  a  proper  goney  for  you,  for  to  go  and  raise  such  a  buildin 
as  that  are,  and  he  as  much  use  for  it,  I  do  suppose,  as  my  old  wagon 
here  has  for  a  fifth  wheel.  Blue-nose  always  takes  keer  to  have  a  big 
house,  cause  it  shows  a  big  man,  and  one  that's  considerable  forehanded, 
and  pretty  well  to  do  in  the  world.  These  Nova  Scotians  turn  up  their 
blue-noses,  as  a  bottle  nose  porpoise  turns  up  his  snout,  and  pufi'  and 
snort  exactly  like  him  at  a  small  house.  If  neighbour  Carrit  has  a  two 
story  house  all  filled  with  winders,  like  Sandy  Hook  lighthouse,  neigh- 
bour Parsnip  must  add  jisttwo  feet  more  on  to  the  post  of  his'n,  and  about 
as  much  more  to  the  rafters,  to  go  ahead  of  him  ;  so  all  these  long  sarce 
gentlemen  strive  who  can  get  the  furdest  in  the  sky,  away  from  their 
farms.     In  New  England  our  maxim  is  a  small  house,  and  a  most  an 


' 


Tlttt.  IN  THE  DAIRY. 


9T 


o',  a  sud- 


fvprlastin  almighty  big  barn  ;  but  these  crillers  revarse  it,  ihey  have  little 
hovf  Is  for  their  cattle,  about  the  bigness  of  a  good  sizeable  bear  trap,  and 
a  house  for  the  humans  as  granii  as  Noah's  ark.  Well,  jist  look  at  it  and 
see  what  a  figur  it  does  cut.  An  old  hat  stuck  into  one  pane  of  glass, 
and  an  old  flannel  petticoat,  as  yaller  as  jaundice,  in  another,  finish  off 
the  front  ;  an  old  pair  of  breeches,  and  the  pad  of  a  bran  now  cart-saddle 
worn  out,  titivate  tho  eend,  while  the  backside  is  all  closed  upon  account 
of  the  wind.  When  it  rains,  if  there  aint  a  pretty  how-do-you-do,  it's  a 
pity  ;  beds  toated  out  of  this  room  and  tubd  set  iu  t'other  to  catch  soft 
water  to  wash  ;  while  the  clapboards,  loose  at  the  ecnds,  go  clap,  clap, 
flap,  like  gals  a  hacklin  flax,  and  the  winders  •anil  doors  keep  a  danciu  to 
the  music.  The  only  dry  place  in  the  house  is  in  the  chimney  corner, 
where  the  folks  all  huddle  up,  as  an  old  hen  and  her  chickens  do  under 
a  cart  of  a  wet  day.  I  wish  I  had  the  matter  of  half  a  dozen  po'inds  of 
nails,  (you'll  hear  the  old  gentleman  in  the  grand  house  say,)  I'll  be  darned 
if  I  don't,  for  if  I  had  I'd  fix  them  are  clapboards,  I  guess  they'll  go  for 
it  some  o'  th?se  days.  I  wish  you  had,  his  wife  would  say,  for  they  do 
make  a  most  particular  unhansum  clatter,  that's  a  fact  ;  and  so  they  let 
it  be  till  the  next  ternpestical  time  comes,  and  then  they  wish  agin.  Now 
this  grand  hou'se  has  only  two  rooms  down  stairs,  that  are  altogether 
slicked  «p  and  finished  oli' complete,  the  other  is  jist  petitioned  off  rough 
lite  one-half  great  dark  entries,  and  t'other  half  places  that  look  a  plaguy 
sight  more  like  packin  boxes  than  rooms.  Well,  all  up  stairs  is  a  great 
onfurnished  place,  filled  with  every  sort  of  good  for  nothin  trumpery  in 
natur  ;  barrels  without  eends  ;  corn  cobs  half  husked  ;  cast  off  clothes 
and  bits  of  old  harness,  sheep  skins,  hides,  and  wool,  apples,  one-half 
rotten,  and  t'other  half  squashed  ;  a  thousand  or  two  of  shingles  that  have 
bust  their  withs,  and  broke  loose  all  over  the  floor,  hay  rakes,  forks,  and 
sickles,  without  handles  or  teeth  ;  rusty  scythes,  and  odds  and  eends 
without  number.  When  anything  is  wanted,  then  there  is  a  general  over- 
haul of  the  whole  cargo,  and  away  they  get  shifted  forrard,  on«  by  one, 
all  handled  over  and  chucked  into  a  heap  together  till  the  lost  on©  i« 
found  ;  and  the  next  time  away  they  get  pitched  to  the  starn  agin,  higglety, 
pigglety,  tieels  over  head,  like  sheep  taken  a  split  for  it  over  a  wall  ;  only 
they  increase  in  number  each  mov€,  cause  some  on  'em  are  sure  to  get 
broke  into  more  pieces  than  there  was  afore.  Whenever  I  see  one  of 
thesn  grand  houses,  and  a  hat  lookin  out  o'  the  winder  with  nary  head  in 
it,  thinks  I,  I'll  be  darned  if  that's  a  place  for  a  wooden  chck,  nothin 
short  of  a  London  touch  would  go  down  with  them  foH:s,  so  I  calculate 
I  won't  alight. 

Whenever  you  come  to  such  a  grand  place  as  this,  squire,  depend  on't 
the  farm  is  all  of  a  piece,  great  crops  of  thistles,  and  an  everlastin  yield 
of  weeds,  and  cattle  the  best  fed  in  the  country,  for  they  are  always  in 
the  grain  fields  or  mowin  lands,  and  the  pigs  a  rootin  in  the  potato  patches. 
A  spic  and  span  new  gig  at  the  door,  shinin  like  the  mud  banks  of  Wind- 
sor, when  the  sim's  on  'em,  and  an  old  wrack  of  a  hay  wagin,  with  its 
tongue  onhitched,  and  stickin  out  behind,  like  a  pig's  tail,  all  indicate  a 
big  man.  He's  above  thinkin  of  farmin  tools,  he  sees  to  the  bran  new 
gig,  and  the  hired  helps  look  arter  the  carts.  Catch  him  wiih  his  go-lo- 
meelin  clothes  on,  a  rubbin  agin  their  nasty  greasy  axles,  like  a  tarry  nig- 
ger ;  not  he.  indeed,  he'd  stick  you  up  with  it. 

The  last  lime  I  came  by  here,  it  was  a  little  bit  arter  day  little  down, 
rainin  cats  and  dogs,  and  as  dark  as  Egypt  ;  so,  thinks  I,  I'll  jist  turn  in 
here  for  shelter  to  Squire  Bdl  Blake's.     Well,  I  knocks  away  at  the 


TI<K  CLOl-KMikKit, 


ii 


front  «Iuiir,  till  I  thought  IM  ii  s|i|ii  ii.  in;  luil  iirtcr  rn|i|iin  awlulc  to  nd 
pni|ioii<',  iind  lindin  no  otin  conic,  I  ^riojicN  my  M.iv  loiiiul  to  llio  liark 
door,  iind  o|iiMi!t  ii,  and  liclin  all  alon^r  iliii  |iat(iluin  lor  t!ii<  latcli  ol  ihn 
kt'c|iin  room,  willioiil  Imdinir  ii,  I  kooikn  a^in,  wlion  xonii*  otic  Irum  in- 
Mult'  i'mIIm  out  "  ualli."  'riiinl>M  I,  I  don't  rl»<v<'rly  know  wlicllnir  llml 
niilicalos  "walk  m,"oi  "\v;dk«Mil,"  iI'm  |'laj(nv  •'lii>rl  niriro,  llial  s  «  (an ; 
hill  I'll  M-o  any  how.  Well,  iiilcr  j^ropin  aliotit  awliilr,  at  laHt  I  >{ol  liold 
ol  tho  hirnif;  and  lilted  the  latcli  ami  wnlkcd  in,  Hiid  tliiro  Mil  old  Miirm 
Ulakc,  cloHC  into  one  coini'r  ol  lli(>  t'liimlilry  riri'-)ilar«>,  n  txT^awiii  in  n 
rockm  (liair,  and  n  linll'  ^rowii  U\iuk  lioiitiit|ii>l|i,  lialt  a>ilc*-ii  in  t'oliinr 
corner,  a  i«ci()iidi{iim|i  over  llii- niilitrH.  Who  hryoii  !  oaid  Marm  lilaki*, 
tm  I  can't  hcc  y<>»i  A  Htranjjcr,  Haiti  I.  Hi'«  k,  ways  »iic,  h(ii'akin  to  tlio 
Mack  luil«  r  in  llm  corm-r,  Ucck,  nay*  slicajjin,  raiHin  lit-r  \o!i;c,  I  hcliuvB 
yon  ar<'  ai  d<  I  an  a  )io»t,  y^v\.  up  tln.n  ininil  and  Mtir  the  coals,  till  I  aco  titu 
man.  .Xrlcr  tho  iDaU  wcm  dnicd  into  a  hl:i/.<<,  llioold  laily  Hiirvcycd  mo 
from  head  to  toot,  then  hlie  a.xi'd  im-  my  mime,  and  wher*i  I  cune  from, 
whero  1  wH.s  Hj>oii),  and  wiiat  mv  ltiiHine»is  wun,  I  f.MicN(»,  said  (the,  you 
inii>fl  he  reason. ilde  wi-t,  sit  to  iho  lire  and  dry  youiHeil,  or  mayhaj)  your 
lieaiih  in.iy  he  t  ndamniru'd  p'raps. 

So  I  sot  down,  and  we  soon  ;m>1  prt>lty  consideruhly  wi-li  netjiiaiiitdd, 
and  ipiilt'  sorialdo  like,  and  her  Itnijjne,  when  it  fairly  waked  np,  he;ian  to 
run  like  umilt  race  when  liief^ali's  up.  I  hadn't  heen  talkin  lono,  'ufoin 
I  well  iii!,'h  h>sl  Hi^iht  of  her  .dloj.'eilii  r  ajjin,  for  litil(>  Heck  liejran  to 
(ionnsh  uhotil  her  hioom,  rij^ht  and  hit,  in  ^re.it  stvit*.  a  clearin  np,  and 
she  did  raise  smh  an  awl'nl  thick  cloml  «>'  dust,  I  didn't  know  il  I  should 
over  see  or  hreaihe  cii!iera<^iii.  Well,  wiicnal!  was  sot  to  n;^hl,i  and  iho 
lire  made  iiji,  the  old  l.idy  he^aii  to  ii|.oloy;i!<n  lor  havm  <io  eaiidlet*  ;  ohe 
•aid  she'd  liad  a  Ki<)»d  te.i  party  the  iii^ht  afore,  and  used  llicm  all  np, 
And  a  whole  si^lil  of  vittals  too,  (he  old  mini  hadn't  heen  wtdl  since,  and 
had  }>oii«  to  lied  airly.  Hut,  says  olie,  I  do  wish  with  all  my  heart  you 
liad  u  come  last  ni^lit,  for  we  hud  a  muHt  a  Apti-ial  supper  ;  putikiii  pica 
and  doughnuts,  and   appio  sarce,  and  a  roast  f^oose  stnlled  with   iiidinn 

Eiiddiii,  and  a  piji's  h.irslet  stewed  m  molasses  and  onioiiH,  and  I  don't 
now  what  all,  and  the  lore  part  of  to-d.iy  folks  calliul  to  finish.  I  actdly 
have  iiothin  left  to  set  alore  yt)u  ;  U)\  it  was  none  o'  your  skim-milk  par- 
lies, hut  siipcrline  nppercrust  real  pim,  and  we  made  dean  w«iik  of  it. 
But  I'll  make  somo  tea,  any  how,  (or  you,  and  perhaps,  arter  that,  said 
she,  nllenn  of  her  lone,  perhaps  you'll  e.xjioniul  the  !Scri|)lures,  for  it's 
one  while  since  I've  he«'rd  them  laid  open  powerfully,  i  haven't  hopu 
fairly  lifted  up  since  that  u;o()d  nuni  .ludas  O^lelhorp  tra>-eiled  this  road, 
■nd  then  she  <i;ave  a  yroaii  and  huiifj;  down  her  head,  and  looked  corner- 
ways,  to  st'(?  how  the  land  lay  thenMliouls.  The  teakettle  wasaccordinjj- 
ly  put  on,  and  some  lard  fried  into  od,  aiul  poured  into  n  tiimhier  ;  which, 
with  tlie  aid  ol  an  inch  of  cotton  wick,  served  na  a  make  shift  for  a  candle. 
\Vcll,  artor  tea  we  sat  and  chatted  awhile  about  fashions,  and  markets, 
and  sarinons,  and  scandal,  and  all  sorts  o'  ihin^rs :  and,  in  the  midst  of 
it,  in  runs  the  iii|u:^er  wench,  scicamin  out  at  the  tip  eend  of  her  voice, 
oh  Missii.s  !  Missus  !  there's  Fire  in  the  dairy,  Fire  in  th(>  liairy  !  I'll  give 
it  to  you  for  that,  said  the  old  lady,  I'll  jfive  it  to  you  (or  that,  you  good 
for  nothin  hussy,  that's  all  your  rarelessness,  ^o  and  put  it  out  this  minit, 
how  on  airtli  did  it  i»el  tli<  re  !  my  night's  milk  gom?,  I  daro  say  ;  run 
this  minit  and  put  it  out  and  save  tho  milk.  I  am  dreadful  aleard  of  firo, 
I  always  was  Ironi  a  hoy,  uiul  seein  tho  poor  foolish  critter  seixe  a  hrooni 
iu  her  fright,  1  tips  wilii  the  teakettle  and   follows  her;  and  away  we 


A    nODY    WITHOUT    A    HRAD 


09 


dipt  lliroii^li  thff  ontry,  n\w  ralliii  nut  tiiiii<l  ll))t  rcllnr  tloor  on  l)in  ri^lit, 
Inko  kror  ul  the  rloso  luirnu  on  tlio  tiitt,  imd  no  on,  liiit  ria  I  rouldn'l  .see 
iiutliin,  I  k(<|)t  right  iilraif,,'ht  Hhrad  At  l:iKt  my  toot  kotrhcd  in  MOincthin 
or  unulhor,  th.it  |iilchod  uw  Hoiiinwhiit  Ii-nh  thitii  n  roil  or  mo,  riplit  ui^in 
(lio  |iour  hhick  orittttr,  and  nwuy  wu  w«-iit  ht'cln  ov<'r  lw:ul.  I  ticcrd  » 
■|)la!ih  and  u  groan,  and  I  itini-lt  iionu'lhin  plugoy  Honr,  lint  I  conldn't  nne 
iiothin  ;  at  Itut  I  got  huld  of  luir  and  hdiMJ  lti>r  up,  (orhhit  didn't  hckmihi, 
but  inndo  n  ittraiigo  kind  of  chokin  noiiin,  and  by  thin  linio  up  cainn 
Marni  iiiuku  with  a  liglit.  If  |)oor  Heck  didn't  Int  go  thi'ii  in  airiicat, 
and  Ming  out  for  doar  lifv,  it'ti  a  nity,  fur  kIih  liad  gono  luuid  timt  into  ihn 
■will  tnli,  and  ihu  tiM  kntlio  hnJ  Hcahlcd  iicr  fi'iH.  S\w  kt'pt  a  dancin 
riglit  u|i  and  down,  hko  ono  ravin  diittiart«-.d  iiiuH,  uiid  hooliood  hki*  any- 
tlung,  clawiii  Hway  ut  licr  linad  tlio  whulo  titiii!,  to  rliiar  away  tho  stuff 
that  Htiirk  to  hor  wool. 

1  h«*hl  in  RN  long  au  I  roiild,  till  I  thought  I  Mhnuld  havo  huiitod,  fur  no 
Mini  could  lii'l|t  larl'iii,  and  at  hiHt  I  haw-hawed  ri^'ht  out.  Vou  gooil  for 
iiolhin  Nlnpid  liint,  y«u,  Kaid  thn  old  lady  to  pixor  licrk,  il  tiurvcs  you  right, 
you  had  no  husinott*  to  Icavo  it  tlicr*.  J'll  pay  you.  Hut,  miid  I,  intcrftirin 
lor  tilt'  unfortunato  critter,  good  grarimi!!,  Marni !  yon  forgot  lh«  (ire. 
No  I  don't,  Maid  iihu,  I  sicti  liini,  and  HecHin  tito  lirooiii  that  had  fallen  from 
th(!  iiigg(!r's  hand,  hIia  excliinie.tj,  I  mho  him,  tho  lumty  varinint,  and  began 
to  bi'lahour  motit  onmarciiully  a  poor  halfbtarved  cur  that  the  iioihc.  had 
dilracted  to  tho  entry.  I'll  (each  you,  said  she,  to  drink  milk  ;  1*11  larn 
you  to  Htoal  into  thu  cl4iiry,  nud  th^  Ix'tiot  critter  joitind  chorus  wiili  Hock, 
and  they  both  yolled  togellu'r,  till  liiey  fairly  mudo  the  hoiitin  ring  agin. 
I'reMcnliy  old  iS<{uiro  HIako  popt  hiu  head  out  of  a  door,  and  rubbin  hit 
eycH,  half  asleep  and  half  uwaku,  said,  what  thu  devil'a  to  pay  now,  wife  ! 
VV'iiy  notliin,  Haya  iihe.joniyf  "  Fir»;'s  in  Uie  dairy,"  afid  Hock's  in  tho  awill 
<uh,  that's  all,  Weil,  don't  inaku  such  a  toiiHS,  then,  aaid  he,  if  that's 
all,  and  ho  shot  tu  tlio  door,  and  wont  to  bed  agin.  When  vtp  returned 
to  ilie  keopin  room,  tlio  old  iady  told  mo  that  they  always  had  a  dog 
culled  "  Firo"  evur  since  her  grandfather,  Major  Donald  r'razer's  time, 
ajul  what  waa  vory  .odd,  sayn  slie,  «v«!ry  one  on  'ein  would  drink  milk  if 
he  had  a  chunco. 

Hy  this  time  tho  shower  waa  over,  and  tlie  moon  shinin  so  briglit  and 
i.r|(>ar  (hat  i  thought  I'd  better  be  up  and  Rtirrin,  and  arter  slippin  a  few 
4:cntH  into  iho  poor  nigger  wench's  hand>  1  look  leave  of  tho  grond  folks 
in  tlie  big  house.  Now,  scjuire,  anuing  (iiese  middlin  sized  farmers  yoa 
liiay  lay  this  ilown  as  a  ruio — the  bigger  thu  house,  tho  bigger  tho  fools 
bu  that's  ill  it. 

Hut,  howNomever,  I  never  call  to  mind  that  are  go  in  tlie  biff  house, 
uj)  to  thu  ri^Oit,  tjjut  I  don't  snicker  when  I  tliink  of  "  Fire  in  the  dairy. ^^ 


CHAl'TEK  XXIX. 

A  nony  without  a  hkad. 

I  ARhoT  you  had  ought  to  vi-it  our  gr. ..'  country,  squire,  said  the 
Olaekmaker,  aforo  you  quit  for  g.uid  and  ul!.  i  ,;  dculiite  you  don't  un- 
derstand us.  Tiiu  most  sjilondid  locaticn  .iiweeii  liio  poles  is  the  United 
States,  und  the  first  man  alive  is  General  Jackaon  (he  hero  of  tho  age, 
iiirn  that's  skcercd  the  Uritish  out  of  their  seven  tenses.  Then  there's 
the  great  Daniel  Webster,  it's  generally  allowed,  he's  the  greatest  orator 
on  the  face  of  tho  airth,  by  a  long  chalk,  and  Mr.  Van  Buren,  and  Mr. 
Clay,  and  Amos  Kindle,  and  Judge  White,  and  a  whole  raft  of  states- 
WeUf  up  to  evjur^tUing  and  »ll  ujauuer  o/  politics ;  there  aint  the  beat  of 


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'em  to  be  fourul  anywhere.  If  you  was  to  hear  'em  I  consait  you'd  hear 
genuine  pure  Enghsh  for  once,  any  how  ;  for  it's  generally  aMowed  we 
•peak  English  better  than  the  British.  They  all  know  me  to  be  an  Ameri* 
can  citizen  here  by  my  talk,  for  we  speak  it  complete  in  New  England. 

Yes,  if  you  wnnt  to  see  a  free  peo|>le — them  that  makes  their  own 
laws,  arcordin  to  their  own  notions — go  to  the  slates.  Indeed,  if  you 
can  fault  them  at  all,  they  are  a  little  grain  too  free.  Our  folks  have  their 
head  a  trifle  too  much  sometimes,  [)articularly  in  elections,  both  in  free- 
dom of  sj)eech  and  freedom  of  press.  One  hadn't  ought  to  blart  right 
out  always  all  that  comes  uppermost.  A  hor.se  that's  too  free  frets  hiin- 
aelf  and  his  rider  too,  and  botli  on  'cm  lose  flesh  in  the  lon<r  run.  I'd 
een  a  most  as  licves  use  the  whip  sotnetimos,  as  to  be  for  everlastinly  a 
pullin  at  the  rein.  One's  arm  gets  plaguy  tired,  that's  a  fact.  I  often 
think  of  a  lesson  I  larnt  Jehicl  Quirk  once,  for  lettin  his  tongue  outrun 
his  good  manners. 

I  was  down  to  Rhode  Island  one  summer,  to  lam  gildin  and  bronzin, 
so  as  to  give  the  finishin  touch  to  my  clocks.  Well,  the  folks  elected 
me  a  hogreeve,  jist  to  poke  fun  at  me,  and  Mr.  Jehiel,  a  bean  pole  of  a 
lawyer,  was  at  the  bottom  of  it.  So  one  day,  up  to  Town  Hall,  where 
there  was  an  oration  to  be  delivered  on  our  Independence,  jist  afore  the 
orator  commenced,  in  runs  Jehiel  in  a  most  allfired  hurry  ;  and  says  he, 
I  wonder,  says  he,  if  there's  are  a  hogreeve  here,  because  if  there  be  I 
require  a  turn  of  his  office.  And  then,  said  he,  a  lookin  up  to  me  and 
callin  out  at  the  tip  eend  of  his  voice,  Mr.  Hogreeve  Slick,  says  he, 
here's  a  job  out  here  for  you.  Folks  snickered  a  good  deal,  and  I  felt 
my  spunk  a  risin  like  half  flood,  that's  a  fact,  but  I  bit  in  my  breath,  and 
spoke  quite  cool.  Possible,  says  I ;  well,  duty,  I  suppose,  must  bed  one, 
though  it  aink  the  most  agreeable  in  the  world.  I've  been  a  thinkin,  says 
I,  that  I  v7ou!>'  be  liable  to  a  fine  of  hfty  cents  for  sufferin  a  hog  to  run 
at  large,  and  as  you  are  the  biggost  one,  I  presume,  in  all  Rhode  Island, 
I'll  jist  begin  by  ringin  your  nose,  to  prevent  you  for  the  futui  frona  pokia 
your  snout  where  you  hadn't  ought  to,  and  I  seized  him  by  the  nose  and 
nearly  wrung  it  off.  Well,  you  never  heeid  such  a  sboutin  and  clappin 
of  hands,  and  chcerin,  in  your  life  ;  they  haw-hawed  like  thunder.  Says 
I,  Jehiel  Quirk,  that  was  a  superb  juke  of  yourn,  how  you  made  the  folks 
larf,  didn't  you  ?  You  are  ecu  amost  the  wittiest  critter,  I  ever  seed.  I 
guess  you'll  mind  your  parts  o'  speech,  and  study  the  accidence  agin  afore 
you  let  your  clapper  run  arter  that  fashion,  wou't  you  1 

I  thought,  said  I,  that  among  you  republicans,  there  were  no  gradations 
of  rank  or  office,  and  that  all  were  equal,  the  hogreeve  and  the  governor, 
the  judge  and  the  crier,  the  master  and  the  servant  1  and  although,  from 
the  nature  of  things,  more  power  might  be  intrusted  to  one  than  the  other, 
yet  that  the  rank  of  all  was  precisely  the  same.  Well,  said  he,  it  is 
so  in  theory,  but  not  always  in  practice ;  and  when  we  do  prac/t«e  it,  it 
seems  to  go  a  little  ngin  the  grain,  as  if  it  warn't  quite  right  neither. 
When  I  was  last  to  Baltimore  there  was  a  court  there,  and  Chief  Justice 
Marshall  was  detailed  there  for  duty.  Well,  with  us  in  New  England, 
the  sheriff  attends  the  judge  to  court,  and  says  I  to  the  sheriflf,  why  dont 
you  escort  that  are  venerable  old  judge  to  the  state  house  1  he's  a  credit 
to  our  nation  that  man,  he's  aclilly  the  first  pothook  on  the  crane,  the 
whole  weiglit  is  on  him  ;  if  it  warn't  for  him  the  fat  would  be  in  the  fire 
in  no  time  ;  I  wonder  you  don't  show  him  that  respect ;  it  wouldn't  hurt 
you  one  morsel,  I  guess.  Says  he,  quite  miffy  like,  don't  he  know  thw 
way  to  court  as  well  as  I  do  '  If  I  thought  he  didn't^  I'd  send  one  ol 
my  niggers  to  show  him  the  road.     I  wonder  who  was  bis  lacquey  last 


X  BODT  WtTROVT  K  RKAO. 


101 


u'd  hear 


year,  that  he  wants  me  to  be  hisn  this  time.  It  don't  convene  to  onp  of 
our  free  and  enlightened  citizens,  to  tag  arter  any  man,  that^s  a  fact. 
it's  too  English  and  too  foreign  for  our  glorious  institutions.  He's  bound 
by  law  to  be  there  at  ten  o'clock,  and  so  be  I,  and  we  botn  know  the 
way  there,  I  reckon. 

I  told  the  story  to  our  minister,  Mr.  Hopewell,  (and  he  has  some  odd 
notions  about  him  that  man,  though  he  don't  always  let  out  what  b* 
thinks  ;)  says  he,  Sam,  that  was  in  bad  taste,  (a  great  phrase  of  the  old 
gentleman's  that)  in  bad  taste,  Sam.  That  are  sheriff  was  a  goney  ; 
ilon't  cut  your  cloth  arter  his  pattern,  or  your  garment  won't  become 
you,  I  tell  you.  We  are  too  enlightened  to  worship  our  fellow  citizen* 
as  the  ancients  did,  but  we  ought  to  pay  great  respect  to  vartue  and 
exalted  talents  in  this  life,  and,  arter  their  death,  there  should  be  statue* 
of  eminent  men  placed  in  our  national  temples,  for  the  veneration  of  arter 
ages,  and  public  ceremonies  performed  annually  to  their  honour.  Atter 
all,  Sam,  said  he,  (and  he  made  a  considerable  of  a  long  pause,  as  if  he 
wa.%  dubersome  whether  he  ought  to  speak  out  or  not)  arter  all,  Sam,  siaid 
he,  atween  ourselves,  (but  you  must  not  let  on  I  said  so,  for  the  fulneet 
of  the  time  han't  yet  come)  half  a  yard  of  blue  riband  is  a  plaguy  cheap 
way  of  rewardin  merit,  as  the  English  do  ;  and,  although  we  larf  at  'em, 
(for  folks  always  will  larf  at  what  they  han't  got,  and  never  tan  get,)  yet 
titles  aint  bad  things  as  objects  of  ambition,  are  they  T  Then  tappen  me 
on  the  shoulder,  and  lookin  up  and  smilin,  as  he  always  did  when  he  waa 
pleased  with  an  idee,  Sir  Samuel  Slick  would  not  sound  bad,  I  gucsa, 
would  it,  Sam  1 

When  I  look  at  the  English  house  of  lords,  said  he,  and  see  so  much 
laming,  piety,  talent,  honour,  vartue,  and  refinement  collected  tog<!ther, 
I  az  myself  this  here  question,  can  a  system,  which  produces  and  sus- 
tains such  a  body  of  men  as  the  world  never  saw  before  and  never  will 
see  agin,  be  defective  1  Well,  I  answer  myself,  perhaps  i>  is,  for  all 
human  institutions  are  so,  but  I  guess  it's  e'en  about  the  best  arter  all. 
It  wouldn't  do  here  now,  Sam,  nor  perhaps  for  a  century  to  come,  but  it 
will  come  sooner  or  later  with  some  variations.  Now  the  Newtowa 
pippin,  when  transplanted  to  England,  don't  produce  such  fruit  as  it  does 
in  Long  Island,  and  English  fruits  don't  presarvc  their  flavour  here 
neither  '  allowance  must  be  made  for  difTerence  of  soil  and  climate ; 
(oh  Lord !  thinks  I,  if  he  turns  into  his  orchard,  I'm  dune  for ;  Pll  have 
to  give  him  the  dodge  some  how  or  another,  through  some  hole  in  the 
fence,  that's  l  fact,  but  he  passed  on  that  time.)  So  it  is,  said  he,  with 
constitutions ;  our'n  will  gradually  approximtite  to  their'n,  and  their'n  to 
our'n.  As  they  lose  their  strength  of  executive,  they  will  varge  to  re- 
publicanism, and  as  we  invigorate  the  form  of  government,  (as  we  mutt 
do,  or  go  to  the  old  boy,)  we  shall  tend  toward  a  monarchy.  If  this  conr.es 
on  gradually,  like  the  changes  in  the  human  body,  by  the  slow  approach  of 
old  age,  so  much  the  better :  but  J  fear  we  shall  have  fevers,  and  convul- 
sion-^ts,  and  colics,  nnd  an  everltistin  gripin  of  the  intestimes  first ;  you 
and  I  won't  live  to  see  it,  Sam,  but  L^ur  posteriors  will,  you  may  depend. 

I  don't  go  the  whole  figur  with  minister,  said  the  Clockmaker,  but  I 
do  opinionate  with  him  in  part  In  our  business  relations  we  belie  our 
political  principles  ;  we  say  every  man  is  equal  in  the  Unioa,  and  should 
have  an  equal  vote  and  voice  in  the  government ;  but  in  our  banks, 
railroad  companies,  facto  y  corporations,  and  so  on,  every  man's  vole  is 
regilated  by  his  share  and  proportion  of  stock ;  and  ii  it  warn't  ao,  no 
man  would  take  hold  on  these  things  at  all. 

12 


r 


1  a 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


i 

t 


Natur  ordained  it  to  ;  a  fatlier  of  a  family  is  head,  and  ruTes  supremo 
in  his  household  ;  his  eldest  son  and  darter  are  like  first  leftenants  under 
him,  and  then  there  is  an  oversrcr  over  the  niggers  ;  it  would  not  do  for 
all  to  be  equal  there.  So  it  is  in  the  univar^e,  it  is  ruled  by  one  supe- 
rior power  ;  if  all  the  angels  had  a  voice  in  the  government,  I  guess 

Here  I  fell  fast  asleep  ;  I  had  been  no<lding  for  some  time,  not  in  appro- 
bation of  what  he  said,  but  in  heaviness  of  slumber,  for  I  had  never  be- 
fore hear  J  him  so  prosy  since  I  first  overtook  him  on  the  Colchester  road. 
I  hate  poliiics  as  a  subject  of  conversation,  it  is  too  wide  a  field  for  chit 
chat,  and  too  often  ends  in  angry  discussion.  How  long  he  continued 
in  this  train  of  speculation  I  do  not  know,  but,  judging  by  the  different 
aspect  of  the  country,  I  must  have  slept  an  hour. 

I  was  at  length  aroused  by  the  report  of  his  rifle,  which  he  had  dis- 
charged from  the  wagon.     The  last  I  recollected  of  his  conversation  was, 
I  think,  about  American  angels  having  no  voice  in  the  government,  an 
ssaertion  that  struck  my  drowsy  faculties  as  not  strictly  true  :  as  I   had 
often  heard  that  the  American  ladies  talked  frequently  and  warmly  on  the 
subject  of  politics,  and  knew  that  one  of  ihem  had  very  recently  the  cre- 
dit of  breaking  up  General  Jackson's  cabinet.     When  I  awoke,  the  first 
I  heard  was,  well,  1  declare,  if  that  aint  an  amazin  fine  shot,  too,  consi- 
derin  how  the  critter  was  a  runnin  the  whole  bkssed  time  ;  if  I  han't  cut 
her  head  off  with  a  ball,  jist  below  the  throat,  that's  a  fact.     There's  no 
mistake  in  a  good  Kentucky  rifle,  I  tell  you.     Whose  head  'i  said  I,  in 
great   alarm,  whose  head,  Mr.  Slick  1  for  heaven's  sake  what  have  you 
done  1  (for  I  had   been  dreaming  of  those  angelic  politicians,  the  Ame- 
jfican  ladies.)     Why  that  are  hen-partridge's  head,  to  be  sure,  said  he  ; 
don't  you  see  how  special  wonderful  wise  it  looks,  a  flutterin  about  arter 
its  head.     True,  said  I,  rubbing  my  eyes,  and  opening  them  in  time  to 
see  the  last  muscular  spasms  of  the  decapitated  body  ;  true,  Mr.  Slick,  it 
is  a  happy  illustration  of  our  previous  conversation — a  body  without  a  head^ 

CHAPTER  XXX. 

A  TALE  OF  BUNKER'S  HILI^ 

Mr.   Slick,  like  all  his  countrymen  whom  I  have  seen,  felt  that  hisr 
own  existence  was  involved  in  that  of  the  Constitution   of  the  United 
States,  and  that  it  was  his  duty  to  uphold  it  upon  all  occasions.     He  af- 
fected to  consider  its  government  and  its  institutions  as  perfect,  and  if 
any  doubt  was  suggested  a.s  to  the  stability  or  character  of  either,  would 
make  the  common  reply  of  all  Americans,  '*  I  guess  you  don't  understand 
us,"  or  else  enter  into  a  laboured  defence.     When  left,  however,  to  the 
free  expression  of  his  own  thoughts,  he   would,  often  give  utterance  to 
those  apprehensions  which  most  men  feel  in  the  event  of  an  experiment 
not  yet  ntirly  tried,  and  which  has  in  many  parts  evidently  disappointed 
the  sanguine  hopes  of  its  friends.     But,  even  on  these  occasions,  when 
his  vigilance  seemed  to  slumber  he  would  generally  cover  them,  by  giv- 
ing them  as  the  remarks  of  others,  or  concealing  them  in  a  tale.     It  was 
this  habit  that  gave  his  discourse  rather  the  apitearance  of  thinking  aloud 
than  a  connected  conversation. 

We  are  a  great  nation,  squire,  he  sa'.d,  that's  sartin;  but  I'm  afeard 
we  didn't  altogether  start  right.  It's  in  politics  as  in  racin,  everything 
depends  upon  a  fair  stajt.  If  you  are  off  too  quick,  you  have  to  pull  up 
and  turn  back  adn,  and  your  beast  gets-  out  of  wind  and  is  balHed,  and 
if  yoa  loae  in  the  start  you  han't  got  a  fair  chance  arterward,  and  are 


liii 


A.  TXVi  OF  bunker's  MILL. 


103 


supremo 
irits  under 
not  do  for 
one  supe- 

uess 

t  in  appro- 
never  be- 
•ster  road. 
Id  for  cliit 
continued 
e  different 

e  had  dis- 

ition  was, 

nrnerit,  an 

as  I  had 

miy  on  the 

ly  the  cre- 

e,  the  first 

too,  consi- 

I  han't  cut 

There's  no 

said  I,  in 

t  have  you 

the  Ame- 

,  said  he ; 

iibout  arter 

in  time  to 

Jr.  Slick,  it 

'loul  a  head.. 


elt  thai  hisr 
the  United 
IS.  He  af- 
fect, and  if 
her,  would 
understand 
ver,  to  the 
Iterance  to 
experiment 
isappointed 
ions,  when 
;m,  by  giv- 
Ir.  It  was 
iking  aloud 

I'm  afeard 
everything 
!  to  pull  up 
)ained,  and 
d,  and  are 


plaguy  apt  to  be  jockeyed  in  the  course.  When  we  set  up  housckcepin, 
ns  it  were,  for  ourselves,  we  hated  our  stepmother  Old  England,  so  dread- 
ful bad,  we  wouldn't  foller  any  of  her  ways  of  managin  at  alt,  but  made 
new  receipts  for  ourselves.  Well,  we  missed  it  in  many  things  most 
consumedly  some  how  or  another.  Did  you  ever  see,  said  he,  a  congre- 
gation split  right  in  two  by  a  quarrel  ?  and  one  part  go  otf  and  set  up  for 
themselves.  I  am  sorry  to  say,  said  I,  that  I  have  seen  some  melancholy 
instances  of  the  kind.  Well,  they  shoot  ahead,  or  drop  astern,  as  the 
case  may  be,  but  they  soon  pet  on  another  tack,  and  leave  the  old  ship 
clean  out  of  sight.  When  folks  once  take  to  emigratin  in  religion  in  this 
way,  they  never  know  where  to  bide.  First  they  try  one  lo'*ation,  and 
then  they  try  another  ;  some  settle  here  and  some  improve  there,  but  they 
don't  hitch  their  horses  together  long.  Sometimes  they  complain  they 
have  too  little  water,  at  other  times  that  they  have  too  much  ;  they  are 
never  satisfied,  and,  wherever  these  separatists  go,  they  onsctllc  others 
as  bad  as  themselves.     /  ncv"r  look  on  a  desarler  as  any  great  shakes. 

My  poor  father  used  to  say,  Sam,  mind  what  I  teil  you,  if  a  man  don't 
agree  in  all  particulars  with  his  church,  and  can't  go  the  whole  hog  with 
*em,  he  aint  justified  on  that  account,  no  how,  to  separate  from  them, 
for,  Sam,  "schism  is  a  sin  in  the  eye  of  God"."  The  whole  (.^hri.stian 
world,  he  would  say,  is  divided  into  two  great  families,  the  catholic  and 
protestant.  Well,  the  catholic  is  a  united  family,  a  happy  family,  and  a 
strong  family,  all  governed  by  one  head  ;  and,  Sam,  as  sure  as  eggs  is 
eggs,  that  are  family  will  grub  out  t'other  one,  stalk,  branch,  and  root,  it 
won't  so  much  53  leave  the  seed  of  it  in  the  ground,  to  grow  by  chance 
as  a  nateral  curiosity.  Now  the  protestant  family  is  like  a  bundle  of 
refuse  shingles,  when  withered  up  together,  (which  it  never  was  and 
never  will  be  to  all  etarnity)  no  great  of  a  bundle  arter  all,  you  might 
take  it  up  under  one  arm,  and  walk  off  with  it  without  winkin.  But, 
when  all  lyin  loose  as  it  always  is,  jist  look  at  it,  and  see  what  a  sight  it 
is,  all  blowin  about  by  every  wind  of  doctrine,  some  away  up  een  a  most 
out  of  sight,  others  rollin  over  and  over  in  the  dirt,  some  split  to  pieces, 
and  others  so  warped  by  the  weather  and  cracked  by  the  sun  ;  no  two 
of  'cm  will  lie  so  as  to  make  a  close  jint.  They  are  all  divided  into  sects, 
railin,  quarrelin,  separatin,  and  agreein  in  nothin,  but  hatin  each  other. 
It  is  awful  to  think  on.  T'other  family  will  some  day  or  other  gather 
them  all  up,  put  them  into  a  bundle  and  bind  them  up  tight,  and  condemn 
'em  as  fit  for  nothin  under  the  sun,  but  the  fire.  Now  he  who  splits  one 
of  these  here  sects  by  schism,  or  he  who  preaches  schism,  commits  a 
grievous  sin  ;  and,  Sam,  if  you  valy  your  own  peace  of  mind,  have  nothin 
to  do  with  such  folks. 

It's  pretty  much  the  same  in  politfcs.  I  aint  quite  clear  in  my  con- 
science, Sam,  about  our  glorious  revolution.  If  that  are  blood  v;as  shed 
justly  in  the  rebellion,,  then  it  was  the  Lord's  doin,  but  if  unlawfully,  how 
am  I  to  answer  for  my  share  in  it.  I  was  at  Bunker's  Hill  (the  most 
splendid  battle  it  is  generally  allowed  that  ever  was  fought ;)  what  effect 
my  shots  had,  I  can't  tell,  and  I  am  glad  I  can't,  all  except  one,  Sam, 
and  that  shot — here  the  old  gentleman  became  direadful  agitated,  he 
shook  like  an  ague  fit,  and  he  wa'ked  up  and  dowa  the  room,  and  wiung 
his  hands  and  groaned  bitterly.  I  have  wrastled  with  the  Lord,  Sam, 
and  have  prayed  to  him  to  enlighten  me  on  that  pint,  and  to  wash  out 
the  stain  of  that  arc  blood  from  my  hands,  i  never  told  you  that  are 
iitory,  nor  your  mother  neither,  for  she  could  not  stand  it,  poor  critter, 
eh^'s  kinder  narvous. 

Well,  Doctor  Wanen,  (the  first  sddiei  of  his  age,  though  he  nevu 


104 


THE  CLOCKMAKBK. 


ii! 


I    ' 


foueht  afore,)  commanded  us  all  to  resarvc  our  fire  till  the  British  cam« 
within  pint  blank  shot,  and  we  could  cleverly  see  the  whites  of  their  eyes, 
and  we  did  so  ;  and  we  mowed  them  down  like  grass,  and  wc  repeated 
our  fire  with  awful  effect.  I  was  among  the  last  that  remained  behind 
the  breastwork,  fur  most  on  'em,  arter  the  second  shot,  cut  and  run  full 
split.  The  British  were  close  to  us  ;  and  an  olHcer,  with  his  sword 
drawn,  was  leading  on  his  men  and  encouragin  them  to  the  charge.  I 
could  see  his  features,  he  was  a  real  handsiun  man,  I  can  see  him  now 
with  his  white  breeches  and  black  gaiters,  and  red  coat,  and  three  cor- 
nered cocked  hat,  as  plain  as  if  it  was  yesterday  instead  of  the  year  75. 
Well,  I  took  a  steady  aim  at  him  and  fired.  He  didn't  move  for  a  space,  and 
I  thought  I  had  missed  him,  when  all  of  a  sudden,  he  sprung  right  straight 
up  an  ccnd,  his  sword  slipt  through  his  hands  up  to  the  pint,  and  then 
he  fell  flat  on  his  face  atop  of  the  blade,  and  it  came  straight  out  through 
his  back.  He  was  fairly  skivered.  I  never  seed  anything  so  awful  since 
I  was  raised,  I  actilly  screamed  out  with  horror — and  I  threw  away  my 
gun  and  joined  them  that  were  retreatin  over  the  neck  to  Charles- 
town.  Sam,  that  are  British  officer,  if  our  rebellion  was  onjust  or  onlaw- 
ful,  was  murdered,  tha'v's  a  fact ;  and  the  idee,  now  I  am  growin  old, 
haunts  me  day  and  night.  Sometimes  I  begin  with  the  Stamp  Act,  and 
I  go  over  all  our  grievances,  one  by  one,  and  say  aint  they  a  sufticient 
justification  ]  Well,  it  makes  a  long  list,  and  I  get  kinder  satisfied,  and 
it  appears  as  clear  as  anything.  But  sometimes  there  comes  doubts  in 
my  mind  jist  like  a  guest  that's  not  invited  or  not  expected,  and  takes 
you  at  a  short  like,  an^l  I  say,  warn't  the  Stamp  Act  repealed,  and  con- 
cessions made,  and  warn't  offers  sent  to  settle  all  fairly ;  and  I  get 
troubled  and  oneasy  agin  1  And  then  I  say  to  myself,  says  T,  oh  yes,  but 
them  offers  came  too  late.  I  do  nothin  now,  when  I  am  alone,  but  ar-' 
gue  it  over  and  over  agin.  I  actilly  dream  on  that  man  in  my  sleep 
sometimes,  and  then  I  see  him  as  plain  as  if  he  was  afore  me,  and  I  go 
over  it  agin  till  I  come  to  that  are  shot,  and  then  I  leap  right  up  in  bed 
and  scream  like  all  vengeance,  and  your  mother,  poor  old  critter,  says, 
Sam,  says  she,  what  on  airth  ails  you  to  make  you  act  so  like  old  scratch 
in  your  sleep  ;  I  do  believe  there's  somethin  or  another  on  your  con- 
science. And  I  say,  Polly  dear,  I  guess  we're  a  goin  to  have  rain,  for 
that  plaguy  cute  iheumatis  has  seized  my  foot  and  it  docs  antagonise  me 
so  I  have  no  peace.  It  always  does  so  when  it's  like  for  a  change. 
Dear  heart,  she  says,  (the  poor  simple  critter,)  then  I  guess  I  had  better 
rub  it,  hadn't  I,  Sam  ?  and  she  crawls  out  of  bed  and  gets  her  red  flan- 
nel petticoat,  and  rubs  away  at  my  foot  ever  so  long.  Oh,  Sam,  if  she 
could  rub  it  out  of  my  heart  as  easy  as  she  thinks  she  rubs  it  out  of  my 
foot,  I  should  be  in  peace,  tha<,'s  a  fact. 

What's  done,  Sam,  can't  be  helped,  there  is  no  use  in  cryin  over  spilt 
milk,  but  still  one  can't  help  a  thiakin  on  it.  But  I  don't  love  schisms, 
p.nd  I  don't  k>ve  rebellion. 

Our  revolution  has  made  us  grow  faster  and  grow  richer  ;  but,  Sam, 
when  we  were  younger  and  poorer,  we  were  more  pious  and  more  happy. 
We  have  nothin  fiJCfd  either  in  religion  or  politics.  What  connexion 
there  ought  to  be  atween  Chtirch  and  State  I  am  not  availed,  but  some 
there  ought  to  be  as  sure  as  the  Lord  made  Moses.  Religion,  when  left 
to  itself,  as  with  us,  grows  loo  rank  and  luxuriant.  Su«kcrs  and  sprouts, 
and  intersecting  shoots,  and  superfluous  wood  make  a  nice  shady  tree 
to  look  at,  but  where's  the  fruit,  Sami  that's  the  question  ;  wfaere's  the 
fruit  1  No  ;  the  pride  of  human  wisdom,  and  the  presumption  it  breeds 
will  ruinate  us.     Jefferson  was  an  infidel,  and  avowed  it,  and  gloried  in 


.    t 


erLLtNfl  A  BLVE-NOSR. 


IM 


eir  eyes, 
repeated 
i  behind 
run  full 
8  sword 
arge.  I 
im  now 


it,  and  called  it  the  enlightment  of  the  age.  Cambridge  Collego  is  Uni- 
tarian, cause  it  looks  wise  to  doubt,  and  every  drumstick  of  a  boy  ridt« 
cules  the  belief  of  his  forefathers.  If  our  country  is  to  b«  darkened  by 
infidelity,  our  government  defied  by  every  state,  and  every  state  ruled  by 
mobs,  then,  Sam,  the  blood  we  shed  in  our  revolution  will  be  atoned  for 
in  the  blood  and  suffering  of  our  fellow-ciiizens.  The  murders  of  that 
civil  war  will  be  expiated  by  a  political  suicide  of  the  state. 

I  am  somewhat  of  father's  opinion,  said  the  Clockmaker,  though  I 
don't  go  the  whole  iigur  with  him,  but  he  needn't  have  made  such  an 
cverlastin  touss  about  fixin  that  are  British  officer's  flint  for  him,  for  he'd 
a  died  himself  by  this  time,  I  do  suppose,  if  he  had  a  missed  his  shot  at 
him.  Praps  we  might  have  done  a  little  better,  and  praps  we  mightn't, 
by  stickin  a  little  closer  to  the  old  constitution.  But  one  thing  I  will 
«ay,  I  think,  arter  all,  your  colony  government  is  about  as  happy  and  as 
good  a  one  as  I  know  on.  A  man's  life  and  propurty  are  well  protected 
here  at  little  cost,  and  he  can  go  where  he  likes,  provided  he  don*t  tres- 
pass on  his  neighbour. 

I  guess  that's  enough  for  any  on  us,  now,  aint  it  1 


CHAPTER  XXXI. 
GULLING  A  BLUE-NOSE. 

I  ALLOT,  said  Mr.  SUck,  that  the  blue-noses  are  the  most  gullible  folks 
on  the  face  of  the  airth ;  rigular  soft  horns  that's  a  fact.  Politics  and 
such  stuff  set  'em  ...  gapin,  like  children  in  a  chimbly  corner  listenin  to 
tales  of  ghosts,  Salem  witches,  and  Nova  Scotia  snow  storms  ;  and  while 
they  stand  starin  and  yawpin,  all  eyes  and  mouth,  they  get  their  pockets 
picked  of  every  cent  that's  in  'em.  One  candidate  chap  says,  "Feller 
citizens,  this  country  is  goin  to  the  dogs  hand  over  hand  ;  look  at  your 
rivers,  you  have  no  bridges  ;  at  your  wild  lands,  you  have  no  roads  ;  at 
your  treasury,  you  aint  got  a  cent  in  it  ;.  at  yottr  markets,  things  don^ 
fetch  nothin  ;  at  your  fish,  the  Yankees  ketch  'em  all.  There's  nothin 
behind  you  but  sufferin,  around  you  hut  poverty,  afore  you  but  slavery 
and  death.  What's  the  cause  of  this  unheerd-of  awful  state  of  things, 
ay,  what's  the  cause  T  Why,  judges,  and  banks,  and  lawyers,  and  great 
folks,  have  swallered  all  the  money.  They've  gut  you  down,  and  they'll 
keep  you  down  to  all  etarnity,  you  and  your  posteriors  arter  you.  Kise 
up,  like  men.  arouse  yourselves  like  freemen,  and  elect  me  to  the  legis- 
latur,  and  I'll  lead  on  the  small  but  patriotic  band,  I'll  put  the  big  wigs 
thro'  their  facins,  I'll  make  'em  shake  in  their  shoes,  I'll  knoak  off'  your 
chains  and  make  you  free."  WcH,  thegonfys  f^il!  fu  and  elect  him,  and 
he  desarts  right  away,  with  balls,  rifle,  powder  horn,  and  all.  He  pro- 
mised too  much. 

Then  comes  a  rael  good  man,  and  an  everla&lin  fine  preacher,  a  most 
a  special  spiritual  man,  renounces  the  world,  the  flesh,  and  the  devil, 
preaches  and  prays  day  and  night,  so  kind  to  the  poor,  and  so  humble,  he 
has  no  more  pride  than  a  babe,  and  so  short-handed,  he's  no  butter  to 
his  bread  ;  nil  self-deni>il,  mortify  in  i"  the  flesh.  Well,  as  soon  as  he 
can  work  it,  ho  marries  the  richest  gal  in  all  hi»  flock,  atid  then  his  bread 
is  b'Utered  on  both  sides.     He  prormned  too  much. 

Then  comes  a  doctor,  and  a  prime  article  he  is,  too  ;  I've  got,  says  he, 
a  screw  auger  emetic  and  hot  crop,  and  if  I  can't  cure  all  sorts  o'  things 
in  natur,  my  name  aint  Quack.  Well,  he  turns  stomach  and  pocket  both 
inside  out,  and  leaves  poor  blue-nose — a  dead  man.   He  promised  too  much. 

Then  comes  a  lawyer,  an  honest  hwyer  too,  a  rael  wonder  under  the 


I0« 


THE  CLOCKMAKKR. 


IX 


sun,  as  straight  as  a  shingle  in  all  his  dealins.  He's  so  honest  he  canH 
bear  to  hear  tell  of  other  lawyers,  he  writes  agin  'em,  raves  ugin  'em, 
votes  agin  'em,  they  are  all  rogues  but  him.  He's  jist  the  man  to  lake  a 
case  in  hand,  cause  he  will  see  justice  done.  Well,  he  wins  his  case, 
and  (oha  all  for  costs,  cause  he's  sworn  to  see  justice  done  to — himself. 
He  promised  too  much. 

Then  comes  a  Yankee  Clockmakcr,  (and  here  Mr.  Slick  looked  up 
and  smiled,)  with  his  "  80.''t  sawder,"  and  "  human  natur,"  and  he  sells 
clocks  warranted  to  run  from  July  to  etarnity,  stoppages  included,  and  I 
must  say  they  do  run  as  long  as — as  long  as  wooden  clocks  commonly 
do,  that's  a  fact.  But  I'll  show  you  presently  how  I  put  the  leak  into 
'em,  for  here's  a  feller  a  little  bit  ahead  on  us,  whose  flint  I've  made  up 
my  mind  to  fix  this  while  past.  Hero  we  were  nearly  thrown  out  of  the 
wagon,  by  the  breaking  down  of  one  of  those  small  wooden  bridges, 
which  prove  so  annoying  and  so  dangerous  for  travellers.  Did  you  hear 
thar  are  snap,  said  he,  well,  as  sure  as  fate^  I'll  break  my  clocks  over 
them  are  etamal  log  bridges  if  Old  Clay  clips  over  them  artcr  that  fash* 
ion.  Them  are  poles  are  plaguy  treacherous,  thf^y  are  jist  like  old  Marm 
Patience  Doesgood's  teeth,  that  keeps  the  great  United  Independent  De- 
mocratic Hotel  at  Squaw  Neck  Creek,  in  Massachusetts,  one  half  gone, 
and  t'other  half  rotten  eends. 

I  thought  you  had  disposed  of  your  last  clock,  said  T,  at  Colchester, 
to  Deacon  Flint.  Se- 1  did,  he  replied,  the  last  one  I  had  to  sell  to  him, 
but  I  got  a  few  left  foo  other  folks  yet.  Now  there  is  a  man  on  this  road, 
one  Zeb  Allen,  a  rael  genuine  skinflint,  a  proper  close  fisted  customer  as 
you'll  almost  see  anywhere,  and  one  that's  not  altogether  the  straight 
thing  in  his  dealin  neither.  He  don't  want  no  one  to  live  but  himself, 
and  he's  mighty  handsum  to  me,  sayin  my  clocks  are  all  a  cheat,  and 
that  we  ruinate  the  country,  a  drainin  every  drop  of  money  out  of  it,  a 
callin  me  a  Yankee  broom  and  what  not.  But  it  aint  all  jist  gospel  that 
he  says.  Hovr  I'll  put  a  clock  on  him  afore' he  knows  it,  I'll  go  right 
into  him  as  slick  as  a  whistle,  and  play  him  to  the  eend  of  my  line  like  a 
trout.  f'U  have  a  hook  in  his  gills,  while  he's  a  thinkin  he's  only  smel- 
lin  at  the  bait.  There  he  is  now,  I'll  be  darned  if  he  aint,  standin  afore 
his  shop  door,  lookin  as  strong  as  high  proof  Jamaiky ;  I  gness  I'll  whip 
out  the  bun^  while  he's  lookin  arter  tho  spicket,  and  praps  he'll  be  none 
o'  the  wiser  till  he  finds  it  out,  neither. 

Well,  squire,  how  do  you  do,  said  he,  how's  all  at  home!  Reasona- 
ble well,  I  give  you  thanks,  won't  you  alifrht  ?  Can't  to-day,  said  Mr. 
S[ickv  IV.'.  iu  a  couiiderault  or  a  hurry'  16  katch  ihe  packei,  have  you  any 
commands  for  Sow  West  ]  I'm  going  to  the  Island,  and  across  the  bay 
to  Windsor.  Any  word  that  wayl  No,  says  Mr.  Allen,  none  that  I 
can  think  on,  unless  it  be  to  inquire  how  butter's  goin ;  they  tell  me 
cheese  is  down,  and  produce  of  all  kind  particular  dull  this  fall.  Well, 
I'm  glad  I  can  tell  that  question,  said  Slick,  for  I  don't  calculate  to  ra* 
turn  to  these  parts,  butter  is  risin  a  cent  or  two  ;  I  put  mine  off  mind  at 
tenpence.  Don't  return  1  possible  !  why,  how  you  talk !  Have  you 
done  with  the  cU)ck  tiade?  I  guess  I  have,  it  aint  worth  foUerin  now. 
Mo&t  time,  said  the  other,  larfin,  for  by  all  accounts  the  clocks  warn't 
worth  havin,  and  most  infarnal  dear  too,  folks  begin  to  gat  their  eyes 
open.  It  warn't  needed  in  your  case,  said  Mr.  Slick,  with  that  pecu- 
liarly composed  manner  that  indicates  suppressed  feeling,  for  you  were 
always  wide  awake,  if  all  the  folks  had  cut  their  eye  teeth  as  airly  as 
you  did,  there'd  be  plaguy  few  clocks  sold  in  these  part  I  reckon  ;  but 
you  are  right,  squire,  you  may  say  that,  they  actually  were  not  wpirtb. 


OdLLINO  A  BLUE-NOSl. 


107 


httvin,  and  (hat's  the  truth.  The  fact  is,  said  he,  throwin  down  his 
reins,  and  affecting  a  most  confidentiHl  tone,  I  felt  almost  ashamed  of 
them  myself,  I  tell  you.  The  long  and  short  of  the  matter  is  Jist  this, 
they  don't  make  no  good  ones  now-a-days,  no  more,  for  they  calculate 
'nm  for  shippin  and  not  for  home  use.  I  was  all  struck  up  of  a  heap, 
when  I  seed  the  last  lot  I  got  from  the  states  ;  I  was  properly  bit  by 
them,  you  may  depend  ;  they  didn't  pay  cost,  for  I  couldn't  recommend 
them  with  a  clear  conscience,  and  I  must  say  I  do  like  a  fair  deal,  for 
I'm  straight  up  anl  down,  and  love  to  go  right  ahead,  that's  a  fact.  Did 
you  ever  see  them  I  fetched  when  I  first  came,  them  I  sold  over  the  bay  1 
No,  said  Mr.  Allen,  I  can't  say  I  did.  Well,  continued  he,  they  were 
a  prime  article,  I  tell  you,  no  mistake  there,  fit  for  any  market,  it's 
genernlly  allowed  there  ainl  the  beat  of  them  to  be  found  anywhere.  If 
you  want  a  clock,  and  can  lay  your  hands  on  one  of  them,  I  advise  you 
not  to  let  go  the  chance  ;  you'll  know  'em  by  the  "  Lowell"  mark,  for 
they  were  all  made  at  Judge  Beler's  factory.  Squire  Shepody,  down 
to  five  islands,  axed  mo  to  get  him  one,  and  a  special  job  I  had  of  it,  near 
about  more  sarch  arter  it  than  it  was  worth,  but  I  did  get  him  one,  and 
a  particular  handsum  one  it  is,  copald  and  gilt  superior.  I  guess  it's 
worth  ary  half-dozen  in  these  parts,  let  tothers  be  where  they  may.  If  I 
could  a  got  supplied  with  the  like  o'  them,  I  could  a  made  a  grand  spec 
out  of  them,  for  they  took  at  once,  and  went  off  quick.  Have  you  got  it 
with  you,  said  Mr.  Allen,  I  should  like  to  see  it.  Yes,  I  have  it  here, 
all  done  up  in  tow,  as  snug  as  a  bird's  egg,  to  keep  it  from  jarrin,  for  it 
hurts  'em  consumedly  to  jolt  'em  over  them  are  etarnal  wooden  bridges. 
But  it's  no  use  to  take  it  out,  it  ain't  for  sh-  it's  bespoke,  and  I  wouldn't 
take  the  same  trouble  to  get  another  for  twenty  dollars.  The  only  one 
that  I  know  of  that  there's  any  chance  of  gottin,  is  one  that  Increase 
Crane  has  up  to  Wilmot,  they  say  he's  a  sellin  otf. 

After  a  good  deal  of  persuasion,  Mr.  Slick  unpacked  the  clock,  but 
protested  against  his  asking  for  it,  for  it  was  not  for  sale.  It  was  then 
exhibited,  every  part  explained  and  praised,  as  new  in  invention  and 
perfect  in  workmanship.  Now  Mr.  Allen  had  a  very  exalted  opinion  of 
Squire  Shepody's  taste,  judgment,  and  saving  knowledge  ;  and,  as  it 
was  the  last  and  only  chance  of  gettin  a  clock  of  such  superior  quality, 
he  offered  to  take  it  at  the  price  the  squire  was  to  have  it,  at  seven 
pounds  ten  shillings.  But  Mr.  Slick  vowed  he  couldn't  part' with  it  at 
no  rate,  he  didn't  know  where  he  could  get  the  like  agin,  (for  he  warn't 
■quile  sure  auout  increase  V^rane's,)  and  the  squu^  .  jUi^TSFWBIWPWS?!* 
disappointed,  he  cooldn't  think  of  it.  In  proportion  to  the  difficulties, 
rose  the  ardour  of  Mr.  Allen,  his  offers  advanced  to  £8i  to  ,£8  lOa,  to 
£9.  I  vow,  said  Mr.  Slick,  I  wish  I  hadn't  let  on  that  I  had  it  at  all. 
I  don't  like  to  refuse  you,  but  where  am  I  to  get  the  like  1  after  much 
discussion  of  a  similar  nature,  he  consented  to  part  with  the  clock, 
though  with  great  apparent  reluctance,  and  pocketed  the  money  with  a 
protest  that,  cost  what  it  would,  he  should  have  to  procure  another,  for 
he  couldn't  think  of  putting  the  squire's  pipe  out  arter  that  fashion,  for 
he  was  a  very  clever  man,  and  as  fair  as  a  bootjack. 

Now,  said  Mr.  Slick,  as  we  proceeded  on  our  way,  that  are  fellow 
is  properly  sarved,  he  got  the  most  inferior  article  I  had,  and  I  jist  doubled 
the  price  on  him.  It's  a  pity  he  should  be  a  tellin  of  lies  of  the  Yankees 
all  the  time,  this  will  help  him  now  to  a  little  grain  of  truth.  Then 
mimicking  his  voice  and  mariner,  he  repeated  Allen's  words  with  a  strong 
nasal  twang,  *'  Most  time  for  you  to  give  over  the  clock  trade,  I  gueas, 
for  by  all  accounts  they  aint  worth  havin,  and  most  infarnal  dear  toOfi 


A- 


•w^-~-r- 


lt)8 


THE  CLOCKMAKBR. 


folks  begin  to  get  their  eyes  open."  lietter  fur  you,  if  you'd  a  had  yourn 
open,  I  reckon  ;  a  joke  is  a  joke,  but  I  consait  you'll  find  that  no  joke. 
The  next  lime  you  tell  stories  nbout  Yankee  pedlers,  put  the  wooden 
dock  in  with  the  wooden  pnnkin  seedn,  and  hickory  hams,  will  you ! 
The  blue-noses,  squire,  nro  all  like  Zeb  Allen,  they  think  they  knovT 
everything,  but  they  get  guiled  from  year's  tend  to  year's  eend.  They 
expect  too  n>uch  from  others,  and  do  too  little  for  themselves,  'i'hey  actilly 
expect  the  t>iin  to  shine,  and  the  rain  to  fall,  through  their  little  houses 
of  assembly.  What  have  you  done  for  usl  they  keep  axin  their  mem- 
bers. Who  did  you  spunk  up  to  last  session  ?  jist  as  if  all  legislation 
consisted  in  attackin  some  half  dozen  puss  proud  folks  at  Halimx,  who 
are  list  as  big  noodles  as  they  be  themselves.  You  hear  nothin  but 
pohtics,  politics,  politics,  one  everlastin  round  of  give,  give,  give.  If  I 
was  governor  Td  give  'em  the  bott  eend  of  my  mind  on  the  subject,  I'd 
crack  their  pates  till  I  let  some  light  in  'em,  if  it  was  me,  I  know.  I'd 
say  to  the  memheis,  don't  come  down  here  to  Halifax  with  your  lock- 
rums  about  politics,  making  a  grcHt  tou»s  about  nothin,  but  open  the 
country,  foster  agricultur,  encourage  trade,  incorporate  companies,  make 
bridges,  facilitate  conveyance,  and  »bove  all  things  make  a  railroad  from 
Windsor  to  Halifax  ;  and  mind  what  I  tell  you  now,  write  it  down  for 
fear  you  should  forget  it,  for  it's  n  fact ;  and  if  you  don't  believe  me,  I'll 
lick  you  till  you  do,  for  there  aint  a  word  of  a  lie  in  it,  by  gum.  One 
such  work  as  the  Windsor  Bridge  is  worth  all  your  laws,  votes,  speeches, 
and  resolutions,  for  the  last  ten  years,  if  tied  up  and  put  into  a  meal  bag 
together.     If  it  aint,  I  hope  I  mny  be  shot. 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 
TOO  MANY  IRONS  IN  THE  FIRE.  - 

We  had  a  pleasant  sail  of  three  hours  from  Parrsborough  to  Windsor. 
The  arrivals  and  departures  by  water  are  regulated  at  this  place  by  the 
tide,  and  it  was  sunset  before  we  reached  Mrs.  Wilcox's  comfortable  inn. 
Here,  as  at  other  places,  Mr.  Slick  seemed  to  be  perfectly  at  home  ;  and 
he  pointed  to  a  wooden  clock,  as  a  proof  of  his  successful  and  extended 
trade,  and  of  the  universal  influence  of  "  soft  sawder,"  and  a  knowledge 
of  "  human  naiur."  Taking  out  a  penknife,  he  cut  off  a  splinter  from  a 
stick  of  firewood,  and  balancing  himself  on  one  leg  of  his  chair,  by  the 
did  of  hie  iighi.  '\;<ii,  ci;viri-.oi-.i\;J  h:a  fr^-curitc  acarcKtcnt  cf  whittljrg, 
which  he  generally  pursued  in  silence.  Indeed  it  appeared  to  have  be- 
come with  him  an  indispensable  accompaniment  for  reflection. 

He  sat  in  this  abstracted  manner,  until  he  had  manufactured  into  deli- 
cate shavings  the  whole  of  his  raw  material,  when  he  very  deliberately 
resumed  a  position  of  more  ease  and  security,  by  resting  his  legs  on  two 
chairs  instead  of  one,  and  putting  both  his  feet  on  the  mantelpiece. 
Then,  lighting  his  cigar,  he  said  in  his  usual  quiet  manner,  "there's  a 
plaguy  sight  of  truth  in  them  are  old  proverbs.  They  are  distilled  facts 
steamed  down  to  an  essence.  They  are  like  portable  soup,  an  amazin 
deal  of  matter  in  a  small  compass.  They  are  what  I  valy  most,  experi- 
ence. Father  used  to  say,  I'd  as  lief  have  an  old  homespun,  self-taught 
doctor,  as  are  a  professor  in  the  college  at  Philadelphia  or  New  York  to 
attend  me  ;  for  what  they  do  know,  they  know  by  experience,  and  not 
by  books  ;  and  experience  is  everything,  it's  hcarin,  and  seein,  and  tryin, 
and  arter  that  a  feller  must  be  a  born  fool  if  he  don't  know.  That's  the 
beauty  of  old  proverbs  ;  they  are  as  true  as  a  plumbline,  and  as  short 
4U)d  sweet  as  sugar  candy.     Now  when  you  come  to  see  all  about  this 


TOO  MA\V  IRON'S  IN   THE  FJRE. 


109 


coantry,  you'll  find  the  truth  of  that  are  onn  ;  "  a  man  that  has  too  many 
irons  in  the  fire,  is  plaguy  apt  to  get  some  on  'em  burnt." 

Do  you  recollect  that  are  tree  I  show'd  you  to  Parrsboro',  it  was  all 
covered  with  black  knobs,  like  a  wart  rubbed  with  caustic.  "Well,  the 
plum  trees  had  the  same  disease  a  few  years  ago,  and  they  all  died,  and  the 
cherry  trees,  I  consait,  will  go  for  it  too.  The  farms  here  are  all  covered 
with  the  same  "  black  knobs,'*  and  they  do  look  like  old  Scratch.  If  you 
see  a  place  all  gone  to  wrack  and  ruin,  it's  mortgaged,  you  may  depend. 
The  "  black  knob"  is  on  it.  My  plan,  you  know,  is  to  ax  leave  to  put  a 
clock  in  a  house,  and  let  it  be  till  I  return.  I  never  say  a  word  about 
sellin  it,  for  I  know  when  I  come  back,  they  won't  let  it  go  arter  they 
are  once  used  to  it.  Well,  when  I  first  came,  I  knowed  no  one,  and  I 
was  forced  to  inquire  whether  a  man  was  good  for  it,  afore  I  left  it  with 
him  ;  so  I  made  a  pint  of  axin  all  about  every  man's  place,  that  lived  on 
the  road.  Who  lives  up  there  in  the  big  house  1  says  I ;  it's  a  n'>e  loca- 
tion that,  pretty  considerable  improvements,  them.  Why,  sir,  that's 
A.  D.'s ;  he  was  well  to  do  in  the  world  once,  carried  a  stiff  upper  lip, 
and  keered  for  no  one  ;  he  was  om;  of  our  grand  aristocrats,  wore  a 
long-tailed  coat,  and  a  ruffled  shirt,  but  he  must  take  to  ship  buildin,  and 
has  gone  to  the  dogs.  Oh,  said  T,  too  many  irons  in  the  fire.  Well, 
the  next  farm,  where  the  pigs  are  in  the  potato  field,  whose  is  that  ? 
CMi,  sir,  that's  C.  D.'s  ;  he  was  a  considerable  forehanded  faimer  as  any 
in  our  place,  but  he  sot  up  for  an  assembly-man,  and  opened  a  store,  and 
things  went  agin  him  somehow,  he  had  no  luck  arterward.  I  hear  his 
place  is  mortgaged,  and  they've  got  him  cited  in  chancery.  •'  The  black 
knob'^  is  on  him,  said  I.  The  black  what,  sir  1  says  blue-nose.  Nothin, 
says  I.  But  the  next,  who  improves  that  house  1  Why,  that's  E.  F.'b  ; 
he  was  the  greatest  farmer  in  these  parts,  another  of  the  aristocracy,  had 
a  most  noble  stock  o'  cnttle,  and  the  matter  of  some  hundreds  out  in 
jint  notes ;  well,  he  took  the  contract  for  beef  with  the  troops,  and  he 
fell  astarn,  so  I  guess  it's  a  gone  goose  with  him.  He's  heavy  mort- 
gaged. "  Too  many  irons"  agin,  said  I.  Who  lives  to  the  left  there  ? 
that  man  has  a  most  special  fine  intervale,  and  a  grand  orchard  too,  he 
must  be  a  good  mark  that.  Well,  he  was  once,  sir,  a  few  years  ago ; 
but  he  built  a  fullin  mill,  and  a  cardin  mill,  and  put  up  a  lumber  establish- 
ment, and  speculated  in  the  West  Indy  line,  but  the  dam  was  carried 
away  by  the  freshets,  the  lumber  fell,  and  faith  he  fell  too ;  he's  shot 
up,  he  han't  been  seed  these  two  years,  his  farm  is  a  common,  and  fairly 
run  out.  Oh,  said  I,  I  understand  now,  my  man,  these  folks  had  too 
many  irons  in  the  fire,  you  see,  and  some  on  'em  have  got  burnt.  I 
never  heerd  tell  of  it,  says  blue-nose  ;  they  might,  but  not  to  my  know- 
ledge ;  and  he  scratched  his  head,  and  looked  as  if  he  would  ask  the 
meanin  of  it,  but  didn't  like  to.  Arter  that  I  axed  no  more  questions : 
I  knew  a  mortgaged  farm  as  far  as  I  could  see  it.  There  was  a  strong 
family  likeness  in  'em  all,  the  same  ugly  features,  the  same  cast  o'  coun- 
tenance. The  "  black  knob"  was  discernible,  there  was  no  mistake ; 
barn  doora  broken  off,  fences  burnt  up,  glass  out  of  windows,  more 
white  crops  than  green,  and  both  looking  weedy,  no  wood  pile,  no  sarce 
garden,  no  compost,  no  stock,  moss  in  the  mowin  lands,  thistles  in  the 
ploughed  lands,  and  neglect  everywhere  ;  skinnin  had  commenced,  takin 
all  out  and  puttin  nothin  in,  gittin  ready  for  a  move,  so  as  to  leave  nothin 
behind.  Flittin  time  had  come.  Foregatherin  for  foreclosin.  Preparin 
to  curse  and  quit.  That  beautiful  river  we  came  up  to  to-day,  what  super* 
fine  farms  it  has  on  both  sides  of  it,  hasn't  it  1  it's  a  sight  to  behold. 

K 


:,!( 


li 


it 


iil 


MO 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


Our  fulka  havo  no  notion  of  such  a  country  so  far  down  east,  beyond 
creation  amost,  ns  Nova  Scotiii  ia.  If  I  was  to  draw  up  an  accuunl  of 
it  for  the  ShckviUc  Gazette,  I  guess  few  would  accept  it  as  a  bona  fide 
draft,  without  some  'sponsible  man  to  endorse  it,  that  warn't  given  tu 
ilamniin.  Tiiry'd  say  there  was  a  land  speculation  to  the  bottom  of  it, 
or  a  water  |)rivilege  to  put  into  the  market,  or  a  plaster  rock  to  gel  oil", 
or  some  such  scheme.  They  would,  I  snoro.  But  I  hope  I  may  never 
see  daylight  agin,  if  there's  such  a  country  in  all  our  great  nation  us 
the  r/-citiity  of  Windsor. 

Now  it's  jisl  as  hkc  as  not,  some  goney  of  ii  blue- nose,  that  seed   ua 
from  his  fields,  sailin  all  up  full  split,  with  a  fair  wind  on  the  packet,  went 
right  off  home  and  said  to  his  wife,  now  do  for  gracious  sake,  mother,  jist 
look  here,  and  sec  how  slick  tbem  folks  go  along ;  and  that  captain  has 
nothin  to  do  all  day,  but  sit  straddle  legs  iw:ross  his  tiller,  and  order  about 
his  sailors,  or  talk  like  a  gentleman  to  his  passengers  ;  he's  got  most  as 
easy  a  time  of  it  as  Ami  Cuttle  has,  since  ho  took  up  the  fur  trade,  a 
snnrin  rabbits.     I  guess  I'll  buy  a  vessel,  and  leave  the  lads  to  do  the 
ploughin  and  little  chores,  they've  growed  up  now  to  be  considerable  lumps 
of  boys.     Well,  away  he'll  go,  hot  foot  (for  I  know  the  critters  better  nor 
they  know  themselves,)  and  he'll  go  and  buv  some  old  wrack  of  a  vessel, 
to  carry  plaster,  and  mortgage  his  ft'rm  to  pay  for  her.     The  vessel  will 
jam  him  up  light  for  repairs  sind  new  riggin,  and  the  sheriff  will  soon  pay 
him  a  visit ;  (and  he's  a  most  particular  troublesome  visiter  that ;  if  he 
once  only  gets  a  slight  how-d'ye-do  acquaintofnce,  he  becomes  so  amazin 
intimate  afterward,  a  comin  in  v^ithout  knockin,  and  a  runnin  in  and  ouC 
at  all  hours,  and  makin  so  plaguy  free  and  casy^  it's  about  as  much  as  a 
bargain  if  you  can  get  clear  of  him  arterwatd.)     Benipt  by  the  tide,  and 
benipt  by  the  sheriff,  the  vessel  makes  short  work  with  him.     Well,  the 
upshot  is,  the  farm  gets  neglected  while  Captain  Cuddy  is  to  sea  a  drogirt 
of  plaster.     The  thistles  run  over  his  grain  fields,  his  cattle  run  over  hia 
hay  land,  the  interest  runs  over  its  time,  the  mortgage  runs  over  all,  and 
at  last  he  jist  runs  over  to  the  lines  to  Eastport,  himself.     And  when  he 
finds  himself  ihere^  a  standin  in  the  street,  near  Major  Pine  s  tatern,  with 
his  hands  in  his  trouser  pockets,  a  chasin  of  a  stray  shiUin  frein  one  eend 
of  'em  to  another,  afore  he  can  catch  it,  to  swap  for  a  dinner,  won't  he 
)ook  like  a  ravin  distracted  fool,  that's  all  T     He'll  feel  about  as  streaked 
as  I  did  once,  a  ridin  down  the  St.  John  river.     It  was  the  fore  part  of 
March ;  I'd  been  up  to  Frcdericton  a  speculatin  in  a  small  matter  of  lum- 
ber, and  was  rcturnin  to  the  city,  a  gallopin  along  on  one  of  old  Buntiu'a 
horses,  on  the  ice,  and  all  at  once  I  missed  my  horse,  he  went  right  slap 
in  and  slid  under  the  ice  out  of  sight  as  quick  as  wink,  and  there  I  was  a 
standin  all  alone.     Well,  says  I,  what  the  dogs  has  become  of  my  horse 
and  portmantle  t  they  have  given  mc  a  proper  dodge,  that's  a  fact.     That 
is  a  narrcr  squeak,  it  fairly  bangs  all.     Well,  1  guess  he'll  feel  near  about 
as  ugly,  when  he  finds  himself  brought  up  all  standin  that  way ;  and  it 
will  come  so  sudden  on  him,  he'll  say,  why  it  aint  possible  I've  lost  farnt 
and  vessel  both,  in  tu  tu's  that  way,  but  I  don't  see  neither  on  'em. 
Eastport  is  near  about  all  made  up  of  folks  who  have  had  to  cut  and  run  for  it, 
I  was  down  there  last  fall,  and  who  should  I  see  but  Thomas  Rigby, 
of  Windsor.     He  knew  me  the  minit  he  laid  eyes  upon  me,  for  I  had 
sold  him  a  clock  the  summer  afore.     (I  got  paid  for  it,  though,  for  I  seed 
he  had  too  many  irons  in  the  fire  not  to  get  some  on  'cm  burnt ;  and  be- 
sides, I  knew  every  fall  and  spring  the  wind  set  in  for  the  lines  from 
IVindser,  very  strongs  a  regular  tiade  wind,  a  sort  of  monshune,  th»t 


TOO  MANY  lUONi  IN  THE  PinR. 


HI 


blows  all  one  way  for  a  long  time  without  shift  in  )  Well,  I  felt  proper 
soriy  for  him,  for  he  was  a  very  clever  nun,  and  looked  cut  up  dreadrully, 
and  amazin  down  in  the  mouth.  Why,  says  I,  possible  !  is  that  you,  Mr, 
|{i<»hy  !  why,  as  I  am  alive  !  if  that  aint  my  old  friend,  why  how  do  you  t 
Hearty,  I  thank  you,  8ai<l  he,  how  be  you  1  Reasonable  well,  I  give  you 
thanks,  says  I  ;  but  what  on  airth  brought  you  herel  Why,  says  he, 
Mr.  fSlick,  I  couldn't  well  avoid  it;  times  are  uncommon  dull  over  tho 
bay  ;  there's  nolhin  slirrin  tliere  this  year,  and  never  will,  I'm  thinkin. 
No  mortal  soul  can  live  in  Nova  Scotia.  I  do  believe  that  our  country 
was  made  of  a  Saturday  night,  arfer  all  the  rest  of  the  tniivarso  waa 
finished.  f)no  half  of  it  has  got  all  the  bail„st  of  Noah's  ark  thrown  out 
there  ;  and  the  other  half  is  eat  up  by  bankers,  lawyers,  and  other  great 
folks.  All  our  money  goes  to  pay  salaries,  and  a  poor  man  has  no  chance 
at  all.  Well,  says  I,  are  you  done  up  stock  and  fluke — a  total  wrack? 
No,  says  he,  I  have  two  hundred  pounds  left  yet  to  the  good,  but  my 
farm,  stock,  and  utensils,  them  young  blood  horses,  and  the  bran  new  ves- 
sel I  was  a  buildin,  are  all  gone  to  pot,  swept  as  clean  asathrashin  floor, 
that's  a  fact ;  Shark  &  Co.  took  all.  Well,  says  I,  do  you  know  the 
reason  of  all  that  misfortin  ?  Oh,  says  he,  any  fool  can  tell  that ;  bau 
times  to  be  sure  ;  everyth'ir'  lii.s  turned  agin  the  country,  the  banks  have 
it  all  their  own  way,  and  much  good  may  it  do  'em.  Well,  says  I,  what's 
the  reason  the  bar  1  •  don't  eat  us  up  too,  for  I  guess  they  arc  as  hungry 
as  yourn  be,  and  noway  particular  about  their  food  neither  ;  considerable 
fiharp  set ;  cut  like  razors,  you  may  depend.  I'll  tell  you,  says  I,  how 
you  got  that  are  slide,  that  sent  you  heels  over  head — "  V'ok  had  too  many 
irons  in  the  firey  You  hadn't  ought  to  have  taken  hold  of  ship  buildin 
at  all,  you  knowed  nothin  about  it !  you  should  have  stuck  to  your  farm, 
.ind  your  farm  would  have  stuck  to  you.  Now  go  back,  afore  you  spend 
your  money,  go  up  to  Douglas,  and  you'll  buy  as  good  a  farm  for  two 
iiundred  pounds  as  what  you  lost,  and  see  to  that,  and  to  that  only,  and 
you'll  grow  rich.  As  for  banks,  they  can't  hurt  a  country  no  groat,  I 
guess,  except  by  breakin,  and  I  consait  there's  no  fear  of  yourn  breakin  ; 
and  as  for  lawyers,  and  them  kind  o'  heavy  coaches,  give  'em  half  the 
road,  and  if  they  run  agin  you,  lake  the  law  of  'em.  Undivided,  unro- 
mittin  attention  paid  to  one  thing,  in  ninety-nine  cases  out  of  a  hundred, 
will  ensure  success  ;  but  you  know  the  old  sayin  about  "  too  many  irons." 

Now,  says  I,  Mr.  Rigby,  what  o'clock  is  iti  Why,  says  he,  the  moon 
is  up  a  piece,  I  guess  it's  seven  o'clock  or  thereabouts.  I  suppose  it's 
time  to  be  a  movin.  Stop,  says  I,  jist  come  with  mo,  I  got  a  rael  nateral 
curiosity  to  show  you  ;  such  a  thing  as  you  never  laid  your  eyes  on  in 
Nova  Scotia,  I  know.  So  we  walked  along  toward  the  beach.  Now, 
says  I,  look  at  that  are  man,  old  Lunar,  and  his  son,  a  sawin  plank  by 
moonlight,  for  that  are  vessel  on  tho  stoc'Ks  there  ;  come  agin  to-morrow 
inornin  afore  you  can  cleverly  discarn  objects  the  matter  of  a  yard  or  so 
afore  you,  and  you'll  find  'em  at  it  agin.  !  guess  that  vessel  won't  ruinate 
those  folks.  They  know  their  business  and  stick  to  it.  Well,  away 
went  Rigby,  considerable  sulky,  (for  ho  had  no  notion  that  it  was  his  own 
fault,  he  laid  all  the  blame  on  the  folks  to  Halifax,)  but  I  guess  he  was  a 
little  grain  posed,  for  back  he  went,  and  bought  to  Sowack,  where  I  hear 
he  has  a  better  faim  than  he  had  afore. 

I  mind  once  wo  had  an  Irish  gal  as  a'dairy  help  ;  well,  we  had  a  wicked 
devil  of  a  cow,  and  she  kicked  over  the  milk  pail,  and  in  ran  Dora,  and 
swore  the  Bogle  did  it ;  jist  so  poor  Rigby,  he  wouldn't  allow  it  to  be 
nateral  causes,  but  laid  it  all  to  politics.     Talkin  of  Dora,  puts  me  in 


113 


Tit'l  CLOCKMAKSR. 


fi! 


|i 


It 


If 


i 


miiid  of  the  gals,  for  she  warii't  a  bad  lookin  heifer  tliat :  my  !  what  an 
eye  she  had,  and  I  consaited  she  had  a  particular  small  foot  and  ankle 
too,  when  I  helped  her  up  once  into  the  hay  mow,  to  search  for  eggs  ; 
but  I  can't  exactly  say,  for  when  she  brought  'em  in,  mother  shook  het 
head  and  said  it  was  dangerous  ;  she  said  she  might  fall  through  and  hurt 
herself,  and  always  sent  old  Snow  arterward.  She  was  a  considerably 
of  a  long-headed  woman,  was  mother,  she  could  see  as  far  ahead  as  most 
folks.  She  warn't  bojn  yesterday,  I  guess.  But  that  are  proverb  is  true 
as  respects  the  gals  too.  Whenever  you  see  one  on  'em  with  a  whole 
lot  of  sweethearts,  it's  an  even  chance  if  she  gets  married  to  any  on  'em. 
One  cools  off,  and  another  cools  off,  and  before  she  brings  any  one  on 
'em  to  the  right  weldin  heat>  the  coal  is  gone  and  the  fire  is  out.  Then 
she  may  blow  and  blow  till  she's  tired  ;  she  may  blow  up  a  dust,  but  the 
deuce  of  a  flame  can  she  blow  up  agin  to  save  her  soul  alive.  I  never 
gee  a  clever  lookin  gal  in  danger  of  that,  I  don't  long  to  whisper  in  her 
ear,  you  dear  little  critter,  you,  take  care,  you  have  too  many  irons  in 
the  fire,  some  on  'em  will  get  stone  cold,  and  t'other  ones  will  get  burnt 
80,  they'll  never  be  no  good  in  natur. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 
WINDSOR  AND  THE  FAR  WEST. 

The  next  morning  ^he  Clockmaker  proposed  to  take  a  drive  round  the 
neighbourhood.  You  hadn't  out,  says  he,  to  be  in  a  hurry  ;  you  should  see 
the  uicinity  of  this  location  ;  there  aint  the  beat  of  it  to  be  found  anywhere. 

While  the  servants  were  harnessing  old  Clay,  we  went  to  see  a  new 
bridge,  which  had  recently  been  erected  over  the  Avon  River.  That, 
said  he,  is  a  splendid  thing.  A  New  Yorker  built  it,  and  the  folks  in  St. 
John  paid  for  it.  You  mean  of  Halifax,  said  I  ;  St.  John  is  in  the  other 
province.  1  mean  what  I  say,  he  replied,  and  it  is  a  credit  to  New 
Brunswick.  No,  sir,  the  Halifax  folks  neither  know  nor  keer  much  about 
the  country  ;  they  wouldn't  take  hold  on  it,  and  if  they  had  a  waited  for 
them,  it  would  have  been  on©  while  afore  they  got  a  bridge,  I  tell  you. 
They've  no  spirit,  and  plaguy  little  sympathy  with  the  country,  and  I'll 
tell  you  the  reason  on  it.  There  are  a  great  many  people  there  from 
other  parts,  and  always  have  been,  who  come  to  make  money  and  nothin 
else,  who  don't  call  it  home,  and  don't  feel  to  home,  and  who  intend  to 
up  killoch  and  off,  as  soon  as  they  have  made  their  ned  out  of  the  blue- 
noses.  They  have  got  about  as  much  regard  for  the  country  as  a  pedler 
has,  who  trudges  along  with  a  pack  on  his  back.  He  icalks,  cause  he 
intends  to  ride  at  last ;  trusts,  cause  he  intends  to  sue  at  last ;  smiles, 
cause  he  intends  to  cheat  at  last  ;  saves  all,  cause  he  intends  to  move  all 
at  last.  It's  actilly  overrun  with  transient  paupers,  and  transient  specu- 
lators, and  these  last  grumble  and  growl  like  a  bear  with  a  sore  head,  the 
whole  blesseu  time,  at  everything  ;  and  can  hardly  keep  a  civil  tongue 
in  their  head  while  they're  fobbing  your  money  hand  over  hand.  These 
critters  feel  no  interest  in  anything  but  cent  per  cent  ;  they  deaden  pub- 
lic spirit ;  they  han't  got  none  themselves,  and  they  larf  at  it  in  others  ; 
and  when  you  add  their  numbers  to  the  timid  ones,  the  stingy  ones,  the 
ignorant  ones,  and  the  poor  ones,  that  are  to  be  found  in  every  place, 
why  the  few  smart  spirited  ones  that's  left,  are  too  few  to  do  anything, 
9X1"^  so  nothin  is  done.  It  appears  to  mc,  if  I  was  a  blue-nose  I'd — but 
thank  fortin  I  aint,  so  I  says  nothin  ;  hut  there  is  something  that  aint  al- 
together jist  right  in  this  country^  that's  a  fact. 


S   :': 


1  !'• 


WINDSOR  AiND  THE  FAR   WEST. 


113 


But  what  a  country  this  Bay  country  is,  isn't  it  T  TiOok  at  that  med- 
der,  beant  it  lovely  1  Tho  Prayer  Eyes  ol  the  Illanoy  are  the  top  of  the 
ladder  with  us,  but  these  dykes  take  the  shine  off  them  by  a  long  chalk, 
that's  sartin.  The  land  in  our  far  west,  it  is  generally  allowed,  can't  be 
no  better  ;  what  you  plant  is  sure  to  grow  and  yield  well,  and  food  is  so 
cheap,  you  can  live  there  for  half  nothiti.  But  it  don't  agree  with  us  New 
England  folks ;  we  don't  enjoy  good  health  there  ;  and  what  in  the  world  is 
the  use  of  food,  if  you  have  such  an  etarnal  dyspepsy  you  can't  digest  it.  A 
r.ian  can  hardly  live  there  till  next  grass,  afore  he  is  in  the  yaller  leaf.  Just 
like  one  of  our  bran  new  vessels  built  down  in  Maine,  of  the  best  hack- 
matack, or  what's  better  still,  of  our  real  American  live  oak,  (and  that  s 
allowed  to  be  about  the  best  in  the  world)  send  her  off  to  the  West  Indies, 
and  let  her  lie  there  awhile,  and  the  worms  will  riddle  her  bottom  all  full 
of  holes  like  a  tin  cullender,  or  a  board  with  a  grist  of  duck  shot  through 
it,  you  wouldn't  believe  what  a  bore  they  be.  Well,  that's  jist  she  case 
with  the  western  climate.  The  heat  takes  the  solder  out  of  the  kneei 
and  elbows,  weakens  the  joints,  and  makes  the  frame  rickety. 

Besides,  we  like  the  smell  of  the  salt  water,  it  seems  kinder  nateral  to 
us  New  Englanders.  We  can  make  more  a  ploughin  of  the  seas,  than 
a  ploughin  of  a  prayer  eye.  It  would  take  a  bottom  near  about  as  long  as 
Coimecticut  River,  to  raise  wheat  enough  to  buy  the  cargo  of  a  Nantucket 
whaler,  or  a  Salem  tea  ship.  And  then  to  leave  one's  folks,  and  native 
place,  where  one  was  raised,  halter  broke,  and  trained  to  go  in  gear,  and 
exchange  all  the  comforts  of  the  old  states,  for  them  are  new  ones,  don't 
seem  to  go  down  well  at  all.  Why,  the  very  sight  of  the  Yankee  gals 
is  good  for  sore  eyes,  the  dear  little  critters,  they  do  look  so  scrumptious, 
I  tell  you,  with  their  cheeks  bloomin  like  a  red  rose  budded  on  a  white 
one,  and  their  eyes  like  Mrs  Adams's  diamonds  (that  folks  say  shine  as 
well  in  the  dark  as  in  the  light,)  neck  like  a  swan,  lips  chock  full  of 
kisses — lick  !  it  fairly  makes  one's  mouth  water  to  think  on  'em.  But 
it's  no  use  talkin,  they  are  just  made  critters,  that's  a  fact,  full  of  health, 
and  life,  and  beauty  ;  now,  to  change  them  are  splendid  white  water  lilies 
ot  Connecticut  and  Rhode  Island,  for  the  yaller  ciocusses  of  Illanoy,  is 
what  we  don't  like.  It  goes  most  confoundedly  agin  the  grain,  I  tell  you. 
Poor  critters,  when  they  get  away  back  there,  they  grow  as  thin  as  a 
sawed  lath,  their  little  peepers  are  as  dull  as  a  boiled  codfish,  their  skin 
looks  like  yaller  fever,  and  they  seem  all  mouth  like  a  crocodile.  And 
that's  not  the  worst  of  it  neither,  for  when  a  woman  begins  to  grow  sailer 
it's  all  over  with  her  ;  she's  up  a  tree  then  you  may  depend,  there's  no 
mistake.  You  can  no  more  bring  back  her  bloom,  than  you  can  the  colour 
to  a  leaf  the  frost  has  touched  in  the  fall.  It's  gone  goose  with  her,  that's 
a  fact.  And  that's  not  all,  for  the  temper  is  plaguy  apt  to  change  with 
ths  cheek  too.  When  the  freshness  of  youth  is  on  the  move,  the  sweet- 
ness of  temper  is  amazin  apt  to  start  along  with  it.  A  bilious  cheek  and 
a  sour  temper  are  like  the  Siamese  twins,  there's  a  nateral  cord  of  union 
atween  them.  The  one  is  a  sign  board,  with  the  name  of  the  firm  written 
on  it  in  big  letters.  He  that  don  t  know  this,  can't  read,  I  guess.  It's 
no  use  to  cry  over  spilt  milk,  we  all  know,  but  it's  easier  said  than  done 
that.  Women  kind,  and  especially  single  folks,  will  take  on  dreadful  at 
the  fadin  of  their  roses,  and  their  fretHn  only  seems  to  make  the  thorns 
look  sharper.  Our  minister  used  to  say  to  si!»ter  Sal,  (and  when  she  was 
young  she  was  a  rael  witch,  a  most  an  everlastin  sweet  girl,)  Sally,  he 
used  to  say,  now's  tiic  time  to  lam,  when  you  are  young  ;  store  your  mind 
well,  dear,  and  the  fragrance  will  remain  long  arter  the  rose  has  shed  its 

K  3 


ri4 


THB    CLOCKMAKEK. 


m 


leaves.  The  ottar  of  roses  is  stronger  than  the  rose,  and  a  plaguy  tijght 
more  valuable.  Sal  wrote  it  down,  she  said  it  warn't  a  bad  idee  that  •,  but 
father  larfed,  he  said  he  guessed  minister's  courtin  days  warn't  over,  when 
he  made  such  pretty  speeches  as  that  are  to  the  gals.  Now,  who  would 
go  to  expose  his  wife,  or  his  darters,  or  himself  to  the  danger  of  such  a 
climate,  for  the  sake  of  SO^bushels  of  wheat  to  the  acre,  instead  of  151 
There  seems  a  kinder  somethin  in  us  that  rises  in  our  throat  when  we 
think  on  it,  and  won't  let  us.  We  don't  like  it.  Give  me  the  shore, 
and  let  them  that  like  the  fa^  west  go  there,  I  say. 

This  place  is  as  fertile  as  Ulanoy  or  Ohio,  as  healthy  as  any  part  of  the 
globe,  and  right  along  side  of  the  salt  water ;  but  the  folks  wa.it  three 
things,  industry,  enterprise,  economy;  these  blue-noees  don't  knew  how 
to  valy  this  location  ;  only  look  at  it,  and  see  what  a  place  for  bisness 
it  is  ;  the  centre  of  the  province  ;  the  nateral  capital  of  the  Basin  of  Minas, 
and  part  of  the  Bay  of  Fundy ;  the  great  thoroughfare  to  St.  John,  Canada, 
and  the  United  States  ;  the  exports  of  lime,  gypsum,  freestone,  and  grind- 
stone ;  the  dykes  ;  but  it's  no  use  talkin  ;  I  wisl.  we  had  it,  that's  all. 
Our  folks  are  like  a  rock  maple  tree,  slick  'em  in  ivny  where,  butt  eend 
up  and  top  down,  and  they  will  take  root  and  grow  ;  but  put  'em  in  a 
lael  good  soil  like  this,  and  give  'em  a  fair  chance,  and  they  will  go  ahead' 
and  thrive  right  off,  most  amazin  fast,  that's  a  fact.  Yes,  if  we  had  it 
we  would  make  another  guess  place  of  it  from  what  it  is.  In  one  year 
we  would  have  a  railroad  to  Halifax,  which,  unlike  the  stone  that  killed  two 
birds,  would  be  the  makin  of  both  places.  I  often  tell  the  folks  this,  but 
all  they  can  say,  is,  on,  we  are  too  poor  and  too  young.  Says  I,  you  put 
me  in  mind  of  a  great  long  legged,  long  tail  colt  father  had.  He  never 
changed  his  name  of  colt  as  long  as  he  lived,  and  he  was  as  old  as  the 
hills  ;  and  though  he  had  the  best  of  feed,  was  as  thin  as  a  whippin  post. 
He  was  colt  all  his  days,  always  young,  .ilways  poor  ;  and  young  and 
poor  you'll  be  I  guess  to  the  eend  of  the  chapter. 

On  our  return  to  the  inn,  the  weather,  which  had  been  ■  threatening 
£or  some  time  past,  became  very  tempestuous.  Tt  rained  for  three  suc- 
cessive days,  and  the  roads  were  almost  impassable.  To  continue  my 
journey  was  wholly  out  of  the  question.  I  determinedi  therefore,  to  take 
a  seat  in  the  coach  for  Halifax,  and  defer  until  next  year  the  remaining 
part  of  my  tour.  Mjr.  Slick  agreed  to  meet  me  here  in  June,  and  to  pro- 
vide for  me  the  same  conveyance  I  had  used  from  Amherst.  I  look  for- 
ward with  much  pleasure  to  our  meeting  again.  His  manner  and  idiom 
were  to  me  perfectly  new  and  very  amusing :  while  his  good  sound  sense, 
searching  observation,  and  queer  humour,  rendered  his  conversation  at 
once  valuable  and  interesting.  There  are  many  subjects  on  which  I 
should  like  to  draw  him  out ;  and  I  promise  myself  a  fund  of  amusement 
in  his  remarks  on  the  state  of  society  and  manners  at  Halifax,  and  the 
machinery  of  the  local  government,  on  both  of  which  he  appears  to  enter- 
tain many  original  and  some  very  just  opinions. 

As  he  took  leave  of  me  in  the  coach,  he  whispered,  "  inside  of  your 
great  big  cloak  you  will  find  wrapped  up  a  box,  containin  a  thousand 
rael  genuine  first  chop  Havanahs,  no  mistake  ;  the  clear  thing.  When 
you  smoke  'em,  think  'sometimes  of  your  old  companion,  "  Sam  Slick, 

THE  ClOCKMAKSR." 


1 


END  OF  FIRST  SERIEf. 


.   9 


